A New Fantastic Point Of View?

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Aladdin might be a cautionary tale of what happens when you wish for selfish things, but that doesn't mean that we don't then all spend the film wondering what we'd do if we found a genie. I'm quite happy with the size of my dick so I wouldn't wish for a bigger one. But I'd still like it to be more impressive so I think that my first wish would be for every other man on the planet's dick to be shrunk by a couple of inches. Kind of like how Goldfinger planned to irradiate the world's supply of gold with the exception of his own in an attempt to make his more valuable. Like that but with dicks. I'd obviously want more wishes after that but one of the rules is that you can't wish for any more than the three you're given. So I think that for my second wish I'd simply ask for the power of a genie myself. Just the power mind you. I wouldn't want to actually become a genie because my third wish would be for an Order 66 of the genies. A large-scale mass execution of magical beings in order to ensure that nobody was ever capable of challenging me or preventing me from exercising my own fucking will. Not that I'd do much after that I suppose. I'd probably just make chocolate healthy, create a second season of Joss Whedon's Firefly, and then Thanos snap about ninety-five per cent of our shit species away because most people are dickheads and I fucking hate them. I'd also wish for less of these pointless fucking live-action Disney remakes because at this point they are really starting to do my tits in now. 

The Greatest Thing That Our Species Has Ever Created

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Cinema can probably stop now because John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum is the greatest fucking achievement that our shit show of a species has ever fucking accomplished. You can take your Great Pyramids, and your penicillin, and your pointless fucking trips to the moon, and shove them up your arse because the perfection of John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum, flat out shits all over them. Oh, did we figure out a way of splitting open an atom? Who gives a fuck?! John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum features a scene in which dogs in bulletproof fucking jackets kill about fifty people in five fucking minutes. Yeah, did you hear that? Dogs in bulletproof fucking jackets kill fifty people in five fucking minutes. I mean, what?? Did Einstein write the script for this movie? Was it Stephen Hawking? Is that what he was doing before he died? Just blinking this movie out in morse code as his last act of genius? Because unless aliens came down and beamed this film into our heads then clearly John Wick: Chapter 3- Parabellum is the greatest fucking advance that our society has made since we first crawled out of the swamp as a fucking fish.

Murder, Bestiality, Tinder, And Pokemon

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When I was about ten years old we had my cousin around to stay and in the four seconds that I took my eyes off him, he managed to delete all thirty fucking hours of the progress that I'd put into my Pokemon Yellow on the Gameboy Colour. I'd like to say that I took this gracefully as it had obviously been an accident on his part, but the reality is that I dropped down to my knees and screamed the word “no” as loud as I could like a dickhead. I wasn't wearing a vest at the time but if I had been I suspect that I'd have probably ripped it off to add to the fucking drama. Not only had he deleted where I was up to in my game but he'd essentially also murdered the Pikachu that I'd formed a bond within it. Yeah, that's right, I said 'murdered'. Anyway, that would all have been about twenty years ago now and although I'm obviously over it if he, Andrew, happens to be reading this and still wants to make it up to me then I suppose the only fair way of doing that would be to make things even right? So that would be oh I don't know, thirty hours of my chores that he could do in order for me to get back the time that was stolen and then maybe he could stand by and watch as I kick his favourite fucking pet to death, yeah? Maybe I'd feel better about it then, Andrew.

Does Liking This Film Make Me A Bad Person?

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People think that Mel Gibson directed the two-hour torture-fuckery that was The Passion Of The Christ because of his religious beliefs and desire to tell that aspect of our saviour's life. But did anybody consider that he really just wanted to direct a film in which a Jewish guy gets the shit kicked out of him for two hours? Not even any old Jewish guy but the king of the Jewish guys! It's certainly possible, isn't it? Because if there's one thing that we all know about Mel Gibson it's that he hates the jews. Oh and don't get him started on black people or what the collective term for them might be. If the domestic abuse allegations are anything to go by, I think it's fair to say that he's not too fond of women either. Who can also forget his views on gay people from an early 90's interview in which he simply pointed at his own arse-hole and stated that “this is only for taking a shit”? Presumably, he then went on to point at his own mouth and claim, “and this is for talking shit”. If all of that wasn't bad enough, it's also worth remembering that he was one of the people involved in Daddy's Home 2 which was a fucking hate crime against all of humanity in one fell swoop.

The Avengers Abide

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When a film like Avengers: Endgame comes out, it starts to feel like we're living in some sort of fascist state in which even the slightest whisper of a spoiler is punishable by death. In general, I'd say that I'm against any form of fascism to the point that I get pissed off when even the self-scan in the supermarket tells me to remove my shopping from the bagging area. I mean what the fuck does it think it's doing, telling me what to do. We don't live in the fucking Matrix yet you robot-prick! However, in this case, my only regret is that spoiling things literally isn't punishable by death as I would quite happily cave any perpetrators head in with a fucking rock and then shit into their skull as a warning to everybody else. So I won't spoil anything major here if you haven't seen it. I'll probably talk about the bit in the movie in which Tony and Steve die of AIDS and why I felt it was right to graphically show how they got it. But I don't think that counts as a spoiler because we all saw it coming right? We certainly saw them coming in that scene anyway. So I guess I will be talking a little bit about what happens and so if you haven't seen it then you know.. piss off.

A Big Foot With A Big Sole

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I can't say I'm a huge believer in conspiracy theories, whether they are the existence of Nessie, Jesus, or Mickey Rourke, but there's always been something interesting about Big Foot to me. With his huge sloping forehead, hunched back, massive saggy tits, and almost humanoid squint, my friend Graham could be mistaken for our missing link. In fact, during my speech as his best man at his wedding, I went into further detail; “when Graham was in school he would quite literally get told off by the teachers for drinking rainwater from the puddles on the floor. And I think that we could have probably guessed that from looking at him. I don't mean to suggest that Graham is strange looking, and he looks very smart today, but Jesus. He's got a head that is the exact shape of a monkey nut, weird slitty nostrils like a snake, he doesn't have any lips, and his tiny little ears haven't grown since birth.” Despite all evidence to the contrary, however, my bizarre friend is, in fact, a human and therefore essentially fucking useless to me. Especially when considering, and as I went on to say in my speech, that “If this was Victorian England then I could wheel him around in a circus and make money from simply showing him off to people.” So, of course, I don't definitely believe in the existence of Big Foot but with friends like Graham I obviously can't entirely rule it out. 

Darkness Prevails

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The new Hellboy is incredible value for money because it's only two hours long but it felt like it was on for a fucking month. The original two instalments of this series were helmed by the visionary director Guillermo Del Toro who created a fairytale world that was somehow epic in scale and yet still managed to focus on the complexities of its characters. I'm not even sure that this new film had any fucking characters now that I think about it.. Of course, it'd be difficult for any film to follow in the footsteps of one of Del Toro's with this being especially true of the Hellboy franchise. The second of his two movies was quite clearly designed to be the middle part of a trilogy and so like an unwanked dick in a massage parlour, we were all hoping that he'd return to finish it off. I understand that the studio couldn't justify the budget that he required for his final film when looking at how much he required and the box office results of those first two movies... but this new version is such a step down from what's come before that it's taking the absolute piss. It's like wanting to go to an art exhibition but because you can't afford a trip to the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa you simply settle to go down an ally to look at a page of Readers Wives that some tramp has stuck to the wall with a piece of his actual shit.  

Tim Burton Gives Us His Big D

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When I was in school one of my fellow students asked our teacher if they'd heard of the white-eared elephant. In confusion, the teacher asked, “what's the white-eared elephant?” to which the student pulled the pockets of his trousers out and said, “well here's his white ears” and then whilst pointing at his cock announced, “and here's his trunk”. I know that sounds weird but I went to an all boys school and when too many males are in the same room their dicks essentially become a comedy prop. The original Dumbo though was made when Disney was at one of the company's lowest points and so, like a crack-head in a shop doorway, they were just after a cheap hit to keep them going. With its short running time, huge heart, and cute characters, I'm sure that Dumbo would have seemed exactly what they were after too. The original animated Dumbo is like your favourite old person in that it's warm-hearted and sweet for about an hour before getting a little bit fucking racist for the final ten minutes. Plus it's got a flying elephant which is such a great idea. If a circus owner asked you if you wanted to go for a particularly magical ride on his long-eared elephant would you really turn him down? Obviously you fucking wouldn't. Just make sure that you ask what colour those long ears are first.

Bring On The Demons

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There was a guy sitting pretty close to me when I went to see Ouija: Origin Of Evil who had clearly misjudged the movie. You know the old trick of taking a girl on a date to a horror film in the hope that she'll cack her pants and grab hold of your wanger or something out of panic? Well, I'm pretty sure that had been his plan because he was there with a girl and you could kind of tell they hadn't been going out for very long. He was that horrible combination of awkward and yet grabby as though still a little nervous to be around her but also confident enough to restrain her in case of any escape attempts. Well, the film began and I'm not sure that things went entirely his way. Not only did she spend the entire movie sat fairly calmly but on the off chance that there was even the smallest hint of a scare, he'd quite obviously shit himself and jump out of his fucking seat. As a terminally single geek, I'm happy to admit that I'm not a reliable expert in the field of dating however I'm also pretty sure that the old 'take a girl to a horror movie' thing only works if you're brave enough to impress them and don't spend the movie squirming about and murmuring as though your fucking love eggs are kicking in.

We Need To Talk About Us

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Usually when you leave the cinema and the person you're with says that they want to talk “about us” it means that you shouldn't have hidden your dick at the bottom of the popcorn box. With Jordan Peele's latest movie Us though, the very fact that most people will be leaving the cinema and saying “we need to talk about Us”, is pretty much what makes it so brilliant. Us is a Rorschach test of a movie in that it gives enough for you to know that there's a subtext but not so much that the subtext is branded onto your bollocks and obvious for everyone to see. It's the kind of movie that'll live on because everybody will have their own theory as to what it's actually about with 'duality' being the only thing that I suspect that we'll all agree on. The film seems obsessed with the idea that one single thing can hold two opposing meanings or ideals with the broader message being that we can be our own worst enemies. So when you're leaving the cinema and the person you're with says, “we need to talk about us”, there's always the chance that they mean, “I'd like to talk about the themes of the film we've just seen”, whist at the same time also meaning, “plus you're dumped for putting your dick in the popcorn box”.

Spring Is The Bush Porn That It's Okay To Love

Have you ever heard of bush porn? Because as far as I'm concerned directors Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead's film Spring is essentially the movie equivalent of bush porn. I have no clue why this was the case but before the internet was a thing it was quite common to find discarded porno mags within random bushes in the park. Well, like that bush porn from my early teenage years, I have no idea how I discovered the film Spring but I am 100% glad that I ended up coming across it. Interestingly enough I wasn't entirely sure how to describe this movie because I don't want to give away some of its surprises but Wikipedia has it listed as being a romantic body horror. If you can think of a more fitting term to describe some of the fucking grot that I saw when discovering some bush porn than 'romantic body horror' then I'll be impressed. For me, Spring is kind of like Call Me By Your Name in that it's about two people falling in love in a foreign country except that Spring has a surprise that's even grosser than that movie's 'eating the jizzy peach' scene.

Seeing Captain Marvel As A Whole

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With the release of Captain Marvel, it seems that Hollywood has come a long way. I'm just looking at the IMDb trivia for that film in particular and it claims that due to lead actress Brie Larson's allergy to cats that all of her scenes with the feline of the movie were filmed with either a puppet or a computer-generated VFX. In 1939's The Wizard Of Oz the actor playing the Tin Man had a reaction to his make-up which left him in the hospital and at death's door. Could they have changed the make-up for him to return to the role? Probably. But when somebody starts acting like a fucking diva and demanding that you don't kill them then why the fuck should you bother? Plus if he's moaning now then you can only imagine how much of a pain he'd be in a later scene when finding out that the prop snow being thrown in his face is actually asbestos. None of that is a lie either by the way and so you know that if they'd made Captain Marvel back in the day that they'd have just smeared that fucking cat all over Brie Larson's face until she either developed an immunity to it or dropped the fuck dead. Not that they'd have even made this movie back in the day, because, who the fuck wants to see an action movie with a woman in the lead role?

Snow Country For Old Men

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I know that they say that there's no such thing as bad publicity, but I reckon that telling a journalist that you once wanted to cosh an innocent “black bastard” to death is probably taking a risk. Cold Pursuit is the movie in which Liam Neeson was allowed to open his mouth, and like a cat shitting glitter we all just stood around and screamed, “what the fuck is coming out of him?!” Many argued that Neeson was a racist and should be 'cancelled' as though he's a fucking subscription channel, whereas others figured that, 'meh, no harm, no foul'. Personally, I take the not-so-nuanced view that wanting to batter a black man to death is probably a little bit racist in the way that jabbing a screwdriver into your eyes might be a little bit fucking dangerous. However, that's not to say that I think that Neeson himself is a racist. Based on the shame that he claimed to feel, and the way in which he volunteered the story out of nowhere, I think that Neeson has evolved to the point that he understands how abhorrent his actions were. I also think that society would be better off learning from a person's mistakes instead of shutting them down for admitting them. What made a person think that was the right way to act and what changed their mind? Isn't that a more interesting discussion than simply whether or not Neeson still deserves a career? I mean, have you fucking seen Taken? He was pushing it with that shitty fucking franchise alone.

The Treasure Of Broken Britain

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When I was a kid, there was a time I was at the local swimming pool when I spotted a single pound coin below the water. Excited, I swam down to claim my treasure only to find that the second I grabbed it the bastard somehow dissolved through my fingers. Rather than money, it seems that it was actually a tiny little turd that somebody had shat out of their swimming shorts that I'd picked up. In The Kid Who Would Be King our distinctly English hero also finds some treasure on a building site except in his case it's very much the real thing. The young boy Alex sees the sword Excalibur lodged in a block of cement and as it turns out, it's only him that can actually pull it out. If I'd have been him and knowing my luck, I'd have tried to pull it out to find that it was actually a stick that somebody had been flicking dog-shit with. In his case, he becomes Earth's saviour and must protect our broken country from the onset of demons and dragons which is a bit of an adventure for him. In my scenario, I imagine that I would have just rubbed my eyes and probably ended up fucking blind or something.

Love Is What Brought You Here

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I live in a predominately white area where I have to remind myself not to stare at a black person if I see one in the street because it's just such an uncommon sight. In fact, the area is so white that if my friends and I were to find ourselves in a horror movie then I'd almost certainly be the first to die simply because I have the most basic hint of a tan about me. However, whenever I've been to the cinema to see a film about any kind of minority then in every single case that minority has been in the audience too. This was the case with Crazy Rich Asians, Black Panther and most recently If Beale Street Could Talk in which there was a single black lady sat in the seat that I'd actually booked for myself. Every time I see this happen I'm reminded of why representation really does matter and how refreshing and needed it must be for those individuals. Still.. I did say that in this case that the lady was sat in the seat that I'd booked for myself. I know it was her fuck up but considering the film we were seeing, I have to admit that I did feel proper shitty having to tell her to go back to wherever her cinema ticket says she belongs.

Her Heart Will Go On

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Alita: Battle Angel begins with Christoph Waltz finding a robotic head in a landfill site which is lucky for him. When I was a kid the most exciting thing that I found lying around was a porno mag in the bushes and the pictures in it were so rank that I think it actually set my development back a few years. But this film is set in the future where finding robot heads is apparently not a huge deal and I presume that porn mags have been replaced with a chip in your brain and some kind of sci-fi suction device. I'm not sure what kind of sci-fi suction device that might be but I reckon a robotic ladies head that you find in the dump might be a good starting place. From here, Waltz decides to give the lady's detached robotic head a body and bring her back to life which is pretty lucky for her. Most people are perverts and so realistically I think the closest to a body that most people would attach her head to would be a fucking anvil. If anything this film should be like a cross between Pinocchio and one of those documentaries about creepy men that become too attached to their sex dolls. Anyway, it turns out that the robot that Waltz names Alita is actually a three-hundred-year-old fighting machine. So she actually looks pretty good for an older lady considering that she's the same age and level of human that Jackie Stallone is.

Getting The Dragon Horn

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How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World is the third and allegedly last film in the franchise and so obviously concludes with all of the dragons being rounded up and shot in the head with a fucking bolt gun. I mean.. it obviously doesn't, but hopefully any parents reading would have stopped at that point and decided not to take their idiot child to see it. If it's the final film in the trilogy then I don't need this movie to make money to ensure a sequel and I don't like seeing children in the cinema. Or anywhere for that matter. If they're not annoying me themselves then the way in which they're being badly parented by their troglodyte prick parents will no doubt be pissing me off instead. In the case of this cinema outing, it was about ten minutes into the movie when some fucking idiot turned up with about thirty kids and proceeded to shine her phone into my eyes as she mentally wrestled with the concept of seat numbers. So maybe this film is a complete masterpiece and I missed it because you very specifically have to have watched the bit at the start in which my retinas were being burnt off to fully get it. However, the message of the movie is that if you love something then you should let it go. So if you love your child and you're thinking of taking them to see this film then maybe you could just have the fucker adopted and then stay at home yourself instead?

Coasting Along

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It's not that I don't love Clint Eastwood but I had pretty low expectations when going to see his latest film The Mule. I mean, obviously he's made some stone-cold classics with Unforgiven being one of the greatest films of all time. But Eastwood waited a decade to make that film because he wanted to be the old man that the character he was playing was. And that's exactly what he was in that film. An old broken man. That was also almost thirty fucking years ago and somehow the old prick is still going strong. Well, I say strong... Some of his more recent films have been like when an old person tells a story that seems to last forever and you just wish for a plane crash to improve them. Although in the case of Sully: Miracle On The Hudson even the plane crash didn't help. Grandpa Simpson tells those exact kinds of boring stories and we let him off because we understand that he's doing it because he's old. Grandpa Simpson is 83 years old which, as I write this, is actually five fucking years younger than Eastwood himself.

This Glass Is Half Empty

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If M. Night Shyamalan filmed himself taking a dump into a flower pot and then kicked it at a stray cat then I'd consider him a genius. Not because of that but because he directed the masterpiece Unbreakable and nobody will ever be able to take that away from him. We all remember Lord Byron for being one of our greatest poets and yet we don't let his genius be tainted by the fact that he used to collect his lover's pubic hair in a carefully organised file. I think that the same should apply to Shyamalan with Unbreakable being proof of his genius and with the rest of his movies being his file of matted pubes. Also if Shyamalan did film himself crapping into a flower pot and then kicking it at a cat then it'd still be a better movie than The Last Airbender. I enjoyed his The Visit and I was really enjoying his Split until the final few seconds revealed it to be a secret Unbreakable sequel and I lost my shit. I was so excited to see Bruce Willis's David Dunn back and I was even more excited to see what was going to happen next. I really wanted to like this new film too simply to be able to use the pun that Glass was smashing!

Unbreakable - Kind Of A Miracle

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There's no denying that Albert Einstein was a genius and without his laws of relativity we wouldn't be where we are today. Not that I have a clue what his laws of relativity really are, by the way. I know that they're something to do with space and time but space and time are also the two most basic elements of a sumo match and I don't think he invented the concept of fat blokes shoving each other around. I do know however that Einstein used to wear a silk gown in which he'd intentionally whip his dick out at random women and then attempt to seduce them if they didn't respond with too much disgust. I also know that the word 'genius' is thrown about a little too much these days and should really only be reserved for world-changing flashers like Einstein. But I believe the film director M. Night Shyamalan to fit the criteria despite almost all evidence to the contrary. Sure he hasn't come up with some Earth shattering theory that explains something about gravity and I don't think he's even responsible for creating a single traditional Japanese sport. However, and I don't mean to be hyperbolic here but Shyamalan did something much more impressive then either of those two things combined. He wrote and directed the 2000 masterpiece Unbreakable.

Aquaman Made Me Wet

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The actor Jason Momoa is so good looking that he could be the the star of one of those pretentious men's fragrance adverts, and yet at the same time he also manages to look like an actual tramp. I can genuinely picture him eating a cat out of a fucking bin, but I also imagine that he'd smell fucking incredible whilst doing it. In his new film Aquaman we're introduced to him as he rescues a submarine from a band of pirates whilst topless. But why is he topless? The filmmakers must know that it's frowned upon for the audience to openly masterbate in the cinema so what are they hoping to achieve? They've also given him some weird yellow contact lenses that are meant to show that he can talk to the fish or something. Or maybe they're like built in bio-goggles? To be honest I don't know what was going on with his eyes but they were way too sinister. He's kind of like a goat in that the evil in his eyes is way out of proportion with everything else on the rest of his head. Observations like this were also distracting me for the first twenty-minutes of the film and so might be the reason that I was never entirely sure what was going on with the story. Also I spent the entire opening act in confused self-reflection when some water splashed on Aquaman's stupidly handsome hobo face during a fight and I accidentally came in my pants.

Taking The Rocky Path

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I saw a thing on Twitter the other day in which somebody asked, “What is the best bad movie that you love?” to which somebody else answered with Rocky 4, and I thought 'well, fuck the rest as that is the actual answer'. Rocky 4 is a piece of shit movie in which the franchise started snorting pure uncut 80's culture to the point that it lost its grip on reality. There are some poignant moments in it such as the death of Apollo Creed, which obviously plays into the new movie Creed 2. The rest of us however, can only really remember it for its montages. There's a montage of Stallone running up a mountain, carrying logs, and pulling sledges. At one point there's even a montage of all the other fucking montages from the previous movies. In all cases, he strains his face to resemble a kicked-in ballsack with a pair of mismatched googly-eyes stuck on it. Let's not forget the bit either in which the film pretty much stops to show us a ten minute James Brown concert for no reason whatsoever. Oh, and there's a robot butler in that one too because there was presumably too much cocaine knocking about when the script was being written. Rocky 4 is a crap movie but I'll be fucked if I don't admit that it's fun to watch.