29 July 2019

Living In A Box

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The Girl With All The Gifts might sound like the title of a high-class porno but it's actually a dystopian-set horror film that revolves around the metaphor of Schrödinger's cat. Not another one of them I hear you say?! If a cat is locked in a box with a can of poison that may or may not go off at a random point, is the cat alive or dead? Like the shit song Living In A Box, by the shit band Living In A Box, I reckon that actually having to live in a box would also be pretty shit and so expect an angry cat no matter what. This is also true of zombies when you make them live in a box apparently, although I'm not sure of their opinion on the band or song. The film takes place in a future Britain in which a fungal infection has gotten into the brains of most of the adult population and turned them into what the surviving characters refer to as the 'hungries'. From that nickname alone I think I might have an ex-girlfriend that may have had that brain-fungus. I can say that of course because although we might no longer be friends anymore, she was also a crazy bitch and can go fuck herself. However, the reality of this brain-fungus thing isn't actually too far from what the film suggests. Sure, a mushroom in your skull that can control your behaviour might sound as farfetched as being bitten by a rage infected monkey, but there is actually a fungus in our actual world that does latch onto the host's brain and will essentially turn them into a zombie. So far it's only known to work with ants and shit but for the sake of safety I'm still going to board up my windows and doors after stocking up on tinned goods and buying a fucking anteater.

22 July 2019

Putting Its Behind In Its Past

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Was Scar called Scar before or after he first got his scar? Because if he got his scar first then that seems pretty shitty to make it his nickname. A scar is a form of disfigurement, right? That'd be like calling some poor deformed soul Burnie after they'd had their skin melted off in a horrific fire. Do you think that person is going to want to be your friend after you've made the worst moment of their life a cute little nickname? I know that Hitler's actions can never be justified but if he'd spent his life being called One Bollock by literally every single person he knew then you'd at least understand his bitterness a little bit better. Or did they call him Scar before he had the scar because that seems just as bad doesn't it? Who looks down at a newborn baby and decides to name them after a skin blemish? Especially after his brother Mufasa had already received such a cool name by comparison. Imagine having two children and naming one little baby Brad and the other little baby Cock-wart. Which of those two do you think might grow up to be a little bit anti-social? It's imposing a self-fulfilling prophecy onto somebody from birth and then blaming them when they didn't turn out entirely perfect. If you named your newborn baby Tubby McThickshit then I don't think that you'd have that much of a right to wonder why they grew up to be a fat fucking idiot. I'm not trying to make excuses for Scar, it's simply that I've just seen Disney's latest remake of The Lion King and, because it's so completely lacking in any fucking originality at all, it gave me time to think about things.

16 July 2019

What A Massive Cult

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When it comes to the dating game, I think it's always best to go for somebody that's good looking. You can fake a nice personality but, conveniently, looks are only ever skin deep. The hottie will stab you in the heart too, but after however many years it takes to get over them.. at least you'll always have the wank fodder to remember them by. Hereditary director Ari Aster's latest film Midsommar might seem like it's going to be a complete rip-off of The Wicker Man which might be because in many ways that's exactly what the fuck it is. In fact, the only thing that it didn't have was Christopher Lee dressed up like a mad aunty at a party as she dances about in an attempt to hide the menopause. However, if there's one thing that does separate this from that 1973 cult classic it's that its director is calling it a break-up movie. Of course, it still has horror elements to it because what break-up isn't completely fucking horrific? I tried to break-up with somebody once and the night genuinely ended up with us in hospital after she'd cracked her head on the corner of a table after forcing herself pass out. That was also the night that I decided that personalities can't be trusted and to only go for hotties. I've been single since. If The Wicker Man is to go by though it seems that the average cultist is even more hardcore and jaded than I am. We both prefer people to be hot but in their case, it's because they've locked them inside a big wooden structure and set them the fuck on fire.

9 July 2019

Boners, Stepdads, and Fake News

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Oh it's hard when you're a teenager, isn't it?! Your dick, I mean. Not so much these days but back then there was no bigger thorn in my side than the boner in my pants. Just fucking constant. In fact, I honestly don't know how people haven't figured out that Spider-Man is a teenage boy based on how tight is costume is and how often he must get those occasionally random boners. He could be hanging upside down on a lamppost just minding his own business and suddenly.. oop random boner time. I mean he'd have definitely got one in the last movie when Vulture was trying to choke him to death wouldn't he? And if you ask me, it shows a complete lack of initiative on his part too that he didn't just whip it out and start thrashing away. Best case scenario is that your enemy gets so freaked out that they let you go, worst case is that you simply go out with a smile. In Spider-Man: Far From Home, Peter decides to follow his dick to Europe where he intends to woo MJ, his school crush. In fact, it's a school trip that he's going on and so you can imagine that his biggest enemy will be whichever teacher has given up their free time to take the children away. Here's a clue - it's probably a pedo one. But the reality is that there's a bunch of crazy shit going down with some elemental giant things that he has to sort out. Of course, he has to do this without giving his secret identity away which is going to be even more difficult when he's got his entire class keeping tabs on him and MJ constantly reminding him that it's boner time.

1 July 2019

So Danny And I Made A Film Together

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When Danny Boyle and I were making his latest film Yesterday, I mentioned to him that he was my favourite director of all time. Huh, what? Oh, I hadn't told you that Danny and I made this film together? Oh right, okay, err in which case I spent a day on set with the D-Meister as he directed me in his latest film. That's pretty cool, right? What a brag. Not only has Danny Boyle also directed Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Fassbender, and Ewan McGregor but now he can tell people that he's also worked with me. Admittedly I was an extra and his direction was, "instead of standing right here by me, why don't you go and stand over there instead", but it counts. Anyway, so when I was chatting to him at his hotel afterwards after I'd waited four hours for him to leave the set, chased him to his car, and forced a taxi-driver at gunpoint to follow where he went, I told him that he was my favourite director of all time. He said "thanks", as though he hears it all the time and as though I was only saying it to kiss his arse because he was right there. But in my case, he really is my favourite director. Trainspotting is my all-time favourite film, I swear that 28 Days Later reinvented the horror genre, and I will fight to the fucking death with anybody that is dismissive of The Beach. But the bit in that film in which DiCaprio hallucinates that he's in a computer game is a bit shit? What the fuck did you just say? Right, you, me, tooled up, by the bins, right fucking now!