A New Fantastic Point Of View?

Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Podcasts

Aladdin might be a cautionary tale of what happens when you wish for selfish things, but that doesn't mean that we don't then all spend the film wondering what we'd do if we found a genie. I'm quite happy with the size of my dick so I wouldn't wish for a bigger one. But I'd still like it to be more impressive so I think that my first wish would be for every other man on the planet's dick to be shrunk by a couple of inches. Kind of like how Goldfinger planned to irradiate the world's supply of gold with the exception of his own in an attempt to make his more valuable. Like that but with dicks. I'd obviously want more wishes after that but one of the rules is that you can't wish for any more than the three you're given. So I think that for my second wish I'd simply ask for the power of a genie myself. Just the power mind you. I wouldn't want to actually become a genie because my third wish would be for an Order 66 of the genies. A large-scale mass execution of magical beings in order to ensure that nobody was ever capable of challenging me or preventing me from exercising my own fucking will. Not that I'd do much after that I suppose. I'd probably just make chocolate healthy, create a second season of Joss Whedon's Firefly, and then Thanos snap about ninety-five per cent of our shit species away because most people are dickheads and I fucking hate them. I'd also wish for less of these pointless fucking live-action Disney remakes because at this point they are really starting to do my tits in now. 

Tim Burton Gives Us His Big D

Join us on Facebook!

When I was in school one of my fellow students asked our teacher if they'd heard of the white-eared elephant. In confusion, the teacher asked, “what's the white-eared elephant?” to which the student pulled the pockets of his trousers out and said, “well here's his white ears” and then whilst pointing at his cock announced, “and here's his trunk”. I know that sounds weird but I went to an all boys school and when too many males are in the same room their dicks essentially become a comedy prop. The original Dumbo though was made when Disney was at one of the company's lowest points and so, like a crack-head in a shop doorway, they were just after a cheap hit to keep them going. With its short running time, huge heart, and cute characters, I'm sure that Dumbo would have seemed exactly what they were after too. The original animated Dumbo is like your favourite old person in that it's warm-hearted and sweet for about an hour before getting a little bit fucking racist for the final ten minutes. Plus it's got a flying elephant which is such a great idea. If a circus owner asked you if you wanted to go for a particularly magical ride on his long-eared elephant would you really turn him down? Obviously you fucking wouldn't. Just make sure that you ask what colour those long ears are first.

Under The Shell

Join us on Facebook!

Like most people I was completely disgusted when I saw Scarlett Johansson playing the character of Major in this live-action remake of Ghost In The Shell. Of course most people were annoyed because they saw her casting as being yet another example of Hollywood 'white-washing' however what pissed me off was that in the original anime you saw Major's tits. Arguably the outrage over race is probably somewhat more justified than my simple desire to see a famous lady's chest-melons however I'd argue that both complaints contain some validity. Sure I would quite literally kill a man to be allowed within the vicinity of Johansson, who is quite probably the number one person on my list of people I'm allowed to have sex with without my partner getting mad. This is despite both my awareness that this list of celebrities wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, and also the fact that I don't have a current partner anyway. However the lack of titties is in fact indicative of a greater issue with the film which I will now attempt to use to justify my own pervertedness.

It Doesn't Hold A Candelabra

Join us on Facebook!

Beauty And The Beast is the latest of Disney's live-action cash-ins and begins as we all remember the animated original does. An old hag crashes a party and wonders why she's instantly told that she has to leave. Because when I have party I just love it when uninvited tramps decide to turn up for the free punch. I mean, I'm not exactly happy when the people I've invited turn up. However the hag turns out to be a witch and therefore places a curse on the owner of the house for having “no love in his heart”... she also curses everybody that he seems to know because presumably the hypocritical bitch has no love in her heart either. It's that kind of twatty act of magical revenge that probably prevented her from having any friends and parties of her own to go to. Not that I have any sympathy for either the Prince in charge of the party or the Beast the he ultimately becomes. He turned away a person in need, he's rich, he's a prick, and he has “no love in his heart”. If Donald Trump was turned into a monster, I wouldn't spend the movie hoping he'd find love in order to free himself of his curse. I'd spend it feeling smug that he now has to spend his life putting his shit into a litter tray instead of onto twitter.

King Of The Swingers

Join us on Facebook!

The 1967 Disney adaptation of The Jungle Book tells the story of a young boy who is raised by animals having been either abandoned or lost in the wild by his actual parents. Kind of like how children are brought up in Toxteth. In this story, the boy befriends the animals who all conveniently speak one unifying language that appears to transcend the distinctions between species. This can only really lead me to believe that either the animals have never attempted to build a Babel-esque tower towards God, or more likely the kid has gone feral with this whole story simply being a psychotic episode that takes place inside his demented head. I know it looks like he's dancing with a cuddly bear but in reality he's probably dying of some infection whilst marking his territory by shitting up a wall. The problem for him is that his brain is telling him that he should return home by having him hallucinate a killer tiger and having his panther mate tell him to piss off back to his village. The whole thing is a chase movie really, as the tiger wants to prevent him returning to the safety of humanity by killing the boy before he can become a man. Although a better move would be to let him get back to his village, wait until everyone has died of all the various diseases that the boy has caught in the jungle, and then just finishing off the stragglers.