28 May 2019

A New Fantastic Point Of View?

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Aladdin might be a cautionary tale of what happens when you wish for selfish things, but that doesn't mean that we don't then all spend the film wondering what we'd do if we found a genie. I'm quite happy with the size of my dick so I wouldn't wish for a bigger one. But I'd still like it to be more impressive so I think that my first wish would be for every other man on the planet's dick to be shrunk by a couple of inches. Kind of like how Goldfinger planned to irradiate the world's supply of gold with the exception of his own in an attempt to make his more valuable. Like that but with dicks. I'd obviously want more wishes after that but one of the rules is that you can't wish for any more than the three you're given. So I think that for my second wish I'd simply ask for the power of a genie myself. Just the power mind you. I wouldn't want to actually become a genie because my third wish would be for an Order 66 of the genies. A large-scale mass execution of magical beings in order to ensure that nobody was ever capable of challenging me or preventing me from exercising my own fucking will. Not that I'd do much after that I suppose. I'd probably just make chocolate healthy, create a second season of Joss Whedon's Firefly, and then Thanos snap about ninety-five per cent of our shit species away because most people are dickheads and I fucking hate them. I'd also wish for less of these pointless fucking live-action Disney remakes because at this point they are really starting to do my tits in now. 

20 May 2019

The Greatest Thing That Our Species Has Ever Created

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Cinema can probably stop now because John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum is the greatest fucking achievement that our shit show of a species has ever fucking accomplished. You can take your Great Pyramids, and your penicillin, and your pointless fucking trips to the moon, and shove them up your arse because the perfection of John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum, flat out shits all over them. Oh, did we figure out a way of splitting open an atom? Who gives a fuck?! John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum features a scene in which dogs in bulletproof fucking jackets kill about fifty people in five fucking minutes. Yeah, did you hear that? Dogs in bulletproof fucking jackets kill fifty people in five fucking minutes. I mean, what?? Did Einstein write the script for this movie? Was it Stephen Hawking? Is that what he was doing before he died? Just blinking this movie out in morse code as his last act of genius? Because unless aliens came down and beamed this film into our heads then clearly John Wick: Chapter 3- Parabellum is the greatest fucking advance that our society has made since we first crawled out of the swamp as a fucking fish.

13 May 2019

Murder, Bestiality, Tinder, And Pokemon

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When I was about ten years old we had my cousin around to stay and in the four seconds that I took my eyes off him, he managed to delete all thirty fucking hours of the progress that I'd put into my Pokemon Yellow on the Gameboy Colour. I'd like to say that I took this gracefully as it had obviously been an accident on his part, but the reality is that I dropped down to my knees and screamed the word “no” as loud as I could like a dickhead. I wasn't wearing a vest at the time but if I had been I suspect that I'd have probably ripped it off to add to the fucking drama. Not only had he deleted where I was up to in my game but he'd essentially also murdered the Pikachu that I'd formed a bond within it. Yeah, that's right, I said 'murdered'. Anyway, that would all have been about twenty years ago now and although I'm obviously over it if he, Andrew, happens to be reading this and still wants to make it up to me then I suppose the only fair way of doing that would be to make things even right? So that would be oh I don't know, thirty hours of my chores that he could do in order for me to get back the time that was stolen and then maybe he could stand by and watch as I kick his favourite fucking pet to death, yeah? Maybe I'd feel better about it then, Andrew.

7 May 2019

Does Liking This Film Make Me A Bad Person?

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People think that Mel Gibson directed the two-hour torture-fuckery that was The Passion Of The Christ because of his religious beliefs and desire to tell that aspect of our saviour's life. But did anybody consider that he really just wanted to direct a film in which a Jewish guy gets the shit kicked out of him for two hours? Not even any old Jewish guy but the king of the Jewish guys! It's certainly possible, isn't it? Because if there's one thing that we all know about Mel Gibson it's that he hates the jews. Oh and don't get him started on black people or what the collective term for them might be. If the domestic abuse allegations are anything to go by, I think it's fair to say that he's not too fond of women either. Who can also forget his views on gay people from an early 90's interview in which he simply pointed at his own arse-hole and stated that “this is only for taking a shit”? Presumably, he then went on to point at his own mouth and claim, “and this is for talking shit”. If all of that wasn't bad enough, it's also worth remembering that he was one of the people involved in Daddy's Home 2 which was a fucking hate crime against all of humanity in one fell swoop.