29 December 2014

Members And The Public

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So there was this one time that I ‘blacked up’ one of my close chums for a short movie that we were making. It was nothing offensive though before you jump to any conclusions, as all I wanted him to do was to walk around town like a bad motherfucker. Okay- looking back, maybe this wasn't in the best of taste but I can swear that there was no hate involved and we were much younger at the time. It's hard to judge what's socially acceptable when you're only a mere twenty-one years old. Anyway, the walk to the set involved a brief journey along the main road where my friend suddenly became infected with a sort of strange, hysterical confidence. Seeing the ridiculousness of the situation, the cars driving past began to beep and wave causing him to respond accordingly by aiming his guns and pretending to shoot. Did I mention he had guns? No? Well he did! Politically, 2009 was a different time so please don't judge us by your modern standards. Anyway so we filmed the scene, hid from the police and then went home safe in the knowledge that we'd had a productive day. I asked my friend if he could sum up his experience of mingling with the public whilst in disguise in one word to which he replied “fucking weird”. Technically that was two words, but you know... who’s going to argue with a white guy that thinks he's fucking Shaft.

22 December 2014

There And Back Again

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Is it just me or is the saying “It's always in the last place you look” the most annoying phrase ever. Obviously it's in the last place I'll fucking look! I'm hardly going to continue the search for something once it's already turned up am I? At this point in the Hobbit franchise, the Dwarves have made it to the mountain having woken the resident dragon up and told him to move his scaly arse. Their leader Thorin also appears to be going mad which could be due to the magical power of his gold or simply because he can't find a great big shiny stone. If I can't find my keys then I start smashing the shit out of the house in search of them, and so I think stomping around a mountain and threatening to banish all of your closest friends from your kingdom is more than reasonable behaviour. Anyway, because the dragon has buggered off, a bunch of freaks have decided that they also want to claim some of the gold it was guarding. As a result of this, five separate armies square-off at the foot of the mountain like a particularly well organised gang of looters. Oh and for the record, I wouldn't bother seeing this movie if you haven't seen the other two as it's basically just the last third of one massive story. Without the context of the previous movies I think you could easily confuse these battles between beautiful male elves and beefy skinhead Orcs as being like a riot in the Gay Capital of Brighton. It's not.

15 December 2014

The Power Of Faith

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Back in the day there was a man who was rather like a real life version of Father Christmas!! Jimmy Saville made children's dreams come true and raised so many millions for charities that you'd think he was a modern-day saint. Also, he was a raging pedophile and seemed to make no attempt to hide that fact. I was born after his popularity and so to me, Saville just looked like a creepy old fucker who couldn't have appeared more sinister had he presented his television shows whilst fingering his belly button and dribbling onto his pedo-bling. Aside from a few political connections and an apparent conspiracy of pedophile entertainers, it seems that Saville convinced people that he wasn't a nonce by doing his absolute best to seem exactly like one. For me this is very much how the Church seems to work. People worry about these shadowy groups that control the world from behind the scenes. Is it a secret Government organisation? The Illuminati? The Masons? Meanwhile there's a fucking great big shrine to the magical Jesus in almost every village in our country. On the surface it pretends to be all about spreading good-will and acceptance of all of God's children. Below this however it is a woman hating, gay hating, money obsessed organisation that is more than plagued by its own homegrown infestation of kiddie-rapists. I don't think that religion is bad. I think that some people are bad and that they use their faith in the make-believe sky lord as a justification for being massive evil cunts. Anyway, this all quite clearly leads us to the lighthearted comedy, drama, film, Philomena.

8 December 2014

A Person Is Smart, People Are Dumb

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I sometimes wonder what the worst thing someone has done, who I’ve randomly been in close proximity to is. I walk past strangers all the time, at least one of them must have been a fucking nutter. I mean, I must have walked past a murderer at some point but have I walked past a murderer who then went home and shagged a dog? It's not impossible is it? What about a murderer who shagged a dog and then worshipped a statue of Mel Gibson that they'd made out of shit? I have walked past a lot of people and so I don't think we can rule it out. It's one of the many reasons that I tend to assault people who attempt to shake my hand. To me a stranger is basically a cat locked in a box with a can of poisonous gas that may or may not go off. They exist in a hypothetical state where they could either be Earth dwelling angels of kindness or even turd-obsessed whore killers who believe that Cliff Richard wants them to burn things. I'm more of a ‘glass-is-half-empty’ kind of chap and so if a human is being presented to me as a blank canvas then I'll assume that they're all animal rapists, child killers and Michael Bay fans until I'm proven wrong. If I don't know you then I think you're scum and I'd like you to leave me the fuck alone. In many ways, I think that this is one of the biggest reasons that I love the 1997 family movie, Men In Black.

1 December 2014

Panem's Got Talent

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A few years ago I made an exploitatively low wage as a videographer. We made everything from promo videos for crap businesses to wedding films for some fat brides and their toothless husbands. It was not an easy job though because at the end of the day it was less about filming what we saw and more to do with rolling a turd in glitter. One video for example was a message from a family to their son who was about to move away to Australia. At one point they wheeled the old Nan in to say goodbye with her knowing full well that she would likely be dead before he returned. With tears in her eyes she gave an emotional rendition of an old war time song and it was beautiful. Or at least it would have been had the walls to the house not been so thin that we could clearly hear the sound of somebody pissing in the adjacent bathroom. Ah well, moment ruined, let’s move the fuck on. Oh and on top of that there was also another video we made in which one man demonstrated- on his brother- the methods used in measuring people for bespoke clothing. As the man measured the inside of his brothers leg, we followed the tape measure up to the groin were we found that he was now sporting a rather profound erection. What is it they say about incest? That it's fun for all of the family! Anyway, the point is that people are fucking idiots and making them look good is not easy.