The Treasure Of Broken Britain

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When I was a kid, there was a time I was at the local swimming pool when I spotted a single pound coin below the water. Excited, I swam down to claim my treasure only to find that the second I grabbed it the bastard somehow dissolved through my fingers. Rather than money, it seems that it was actually a tiny little turd that somebody had shat out of their swimming shorts that I'd picked up. In The Kid Who Would Be King our distinctly English hero also finds some treasure on a building site except in his case it's very much the real thing. The young boy Alex sees the sword Excalibur lodged in a block of cement and as it turns out, it's only him that can actually pull it out. If I'd have been him and knowing my luck, I'd have tried to pull it out to find that it was actually a stick that somebody had been flicking dog-shit with. In his case, he becomes Earth's saviour and must protect our broken country from the onset of demons and dragons which is a bit of an adventure for him. In my scenario, I imagine that I would have just rubbed my eyes and probably ended up fucking blind or something.

Star Trek 10: Nemesis

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Star Trek 10: Nemesis - what the fuck is it about?

So the Enterprise is sent to the Romulan council in order to negotiate a peace treaty, for some reason. Not that it matters I suppose considering that they're all instantly killed by a young Tom Hardy. Hardy plays an evil clone of Picard which we as an audience can tell because they're both disgustingly bald. Honestly there were scenes in which the two of them had their naked heads close together in which I couldn't help but think of that moment with Barbara Windsor in Carry On Camping. We're told that this clone exists because the Romulans “somehow” managed to get some of Picard's DNA. We're never told how they managed this, although considering Picard has flirted with at least one alien per new planet, I kind of don't want to know. Even when Picard is looking at Hardy, you can tell he's trying to work out whether banging a clone would count as incest. Anyway, long story short, Hardy needs Picard's blood to live and has decided that he also wants to destroy Earth... because you know.. fuck it, why wouldn't you!?

So was it shit or not then?

It was nice that in this film Hardy didn't just do his usual thing of mumbling, although sadly I still couldn't understand a word that he was fucking saying. I mean, this is a genuine sentence uttered in the movie: “The Son'a, the Borg, the Romulans, the evil Soran, and that pesky Nexus. You seem to get all the easy assignments!”. Sorry, what the fuck did you just say? It got so bad in this movie in regards to all that space gibberish that I actually invented a drinking game whilst watching it. Simply take a shot every time you hear something that you don't understand and then see if you can get to the first half hour without being fucking dead. In terms of Hardy's performance however, although I don't know what the fuck he was saying, I did enjoy him in general. Although he was skinny as hell. I guess this was filmed during that point in which he was enjoying life as a crack-head, which is fair enough. As the film goes on, his character begins to get sicker and sicker.. I'm not sure if this was intentional or if the filming was just dragging on and he was being forced to go cold turkey.

Whereas most franchises are content with just the explosions, Star Trek likes to ask the bigger questions. You know.. the really important things in life such as what would we do without the environment? And what does a God really need with a spaceship? In the case of Nemesis, it seemed to me that the movie was basically just asking 'have you ever considered that your problems could be solved with suicide?' Picard is trying to kill his clone; Data quite literally deactivates a replica of himself, and then the film concludes when a main character Wrath Of Khan's it by sacrificing themselves to save their friends. In every case, it seems that topping yourself isn't the worst idea ever. Even in terms of the franchise this is true. I read that this movie was stupidly released at the same time as one of the Lord Of The Rings films and as such made piss all money. What was the result of this? The franchise basically died before being brought back with the much more accessible and noticeably more profitable reboot. Problem solved!

I did like this film though. It was the first of the Next Generation movies to feel actually cinematic, the action was pretty good, and I did feel some emotion with the concluding sacrifice. I mean the emotion was pretty much just “oh.. never mind” but that's more than I felt at my own granddad's funeral. Who can be truly sad when you know you have a free buffet coming up?! With it's pro top-yourself message however, I just worry now that if I'm ever feeling particularly low and find myself looking at my veins whilst holding a knife, I can't be sure that I won't suddenly hear Patrick Stewart's voice demanding me to “make it so!”.

 

Star Trek 9: Insurrection

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Star Trek 9: Insurrection - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins on a planet of Amish type people who seemingly have no idea about the evils of technology. Well, not until Data the robot pops up and kicks the shit out of them anyway. It turns out that Data has been shot, resulting in him going a little mental. Because that's obviously what you want when exploring the dangers of the universe... a machine that will let you know it's malfunctioning by battering the fuck out of you. Picard promptly turns up to stop the android's rampage which he does by singing a Gilbert O'Sullivan song to him. I guess the film-makers were aware that the only way to end an action scene in a more exciting way than with an explosion is to have a bald, Yorkshire bloke turn up and sing the hits of the fucking 70's.

Anyway, it turns out that Data may have been shot to prevent him from uncovering a plot against these boring Amish type people. Despite spending their time by ignoring such electrical joys as the television, iPhone, and the Lovehoney Double-Dip-Delight Dildo, their planets position exposes them to some weird space-rays that allow them to remain youthful forever. Or if not forever then at least long enough that somebody like Cher might want to visit before her skin becomes so tight that her skull manages to rip its way through her face like Alien's fucking chestburster.

So was it shit or not then?

As seems to be the case with the Next Generation movies, it basically felt like an extended episode of the show, and to be fair... it makes the show look shit. Although that image of TubGirl made me never want to take a bath again, and we all know baths are good for you, so I'll keep an open mind. Duration-wise Insurrection manages to be about half an hour shorter than the average Trek movie and about nine fucking years shorter than Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Usually I'd argue that brevity is a good thing, however here it's as though loads of shit has just got chopped out. Sub-plots go seemingly nowhere and the theme of the movie remains as unexplored as Picard's personal barbershop. For example, one of the many subplots that goes nowhere is Picard's love of one of the planet's locals. However after ninety minutes of flirting they don't even kiss, which is odd, especially considering that Insurrection is really just a compound of both 'insert' and 'erection'.

Also the Starfleet's Prime Directive states that when exploring a new planet there should be “no interference with the social development of said planet”. As such, this movie is about Picard standing up for what's right for the Amish-like people against the hypocrisy of Starfleet's order to move them. However the movie fails to explore the idea that, firstly, pretty much every planet the crew have visited has been interfered with; secondly, when Kirk and Picard were visiting, most of the female aliens on said planets have been interfered with; and thirdly, it probably would be for the greater good that this small civilisation be relocated in order for scientists to fully examine these 'everlasting youth rays'.. and was it not Spock that said “the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many”? It seems like this would have been a great chance for the film to address the franchises own hypocrisies regarding that Prime Directive whilst examining the morality between the Prime Directive and Spock's mantra.

Also I depressingly didn't even have to Google the directive or the Spock quote.. I am enjoying this franchise over all, but if its mission was to turn me into a fucking nerd then I can't help but feel it's made it so. And I am enjoying this franchise, and I did enjoy Insurrection to a degree. It had some good action, nice half-developed ideas, and the villain was fun. Imagine an alien that's had so much plastic surgery that it's as though he's had his scrotum stapled across his face and you're pretty much there. If you can't manage that then just picture Mickey Rourke.

Star Trek 8: First Contact

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Star Trek 8: First Contact - what the fuck was it about?

So I guess this is really the first movie to show just the Next Generation team in action, and I did like the variety of Mr Wharf, Data, and Picard. With them, you have a dark-skinned Klingon, a pale android, and grossest of all... a fucking bald man. This time however we're told that “The Borg have gone back in time in order for them to be able to assimilate the future” Or to put it another way.. “some sci-fi shit is happening and so let's crack on”. In this movie, Patrick Stewart must go back in time to prevent past events from destroying the future, although unlike in Days Of Future Past, this time he actually gets off his lazy arse and goes himself. Oh, and this time, the villains are the previously mentioned Borg who travel around annoying people in giant metal cubes. So I guess they're a bit like intergalactic caravaners. The only thing is that the Borg aren't actually shown for ages and so all you know is that parts of them are made of metal and they like whatever room they're in to be uncomfortably hot. So for the first half of the movie I was basically just picturing my Nan.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, there's a lot of reference throughout to Picard having been previously tampered with by the Borg in the TV show. But all we really get to see of this is a quick flash back of him having a drill stabbed into his eyes, which coincidentally reminded me of what it felt like to watch Star Trek: The Motion Picture. But to somebody that's only watching the films this aspect is a little confusing, especially considering it adds basically nothing to the story except occasionally making Picard angry for no real reason. But if you can all recall, it really only takes the sight of James Cordon hosting an award ceremony to make Patrick Stewart angry, and I didn't need to watch a TV show to understand that. It was pretty fucking obvious that he was pissed.

In fact, the whole movie kind of just felt like a big-budget episode of a TV show really, with its only claim to being cinematic being that it's a TV show that's dressed up in sci-fi clothes. So, you get a couple of space-based dog-fights and explosions that cause people to comically trampoline around the Enterprise Bridge as though they're the silhouetted ladies from the opening titles to a Roger Moore Bond film. But it really doesn't look like a movie. I mean, even in terms of design you can tell that the Shatner films originate from a 60's sensibility, because everything is made of lava-lamps and would be pretty fucking fun to stare at when stoned. However when looking at everything here, the only real thing that dates it to the 90's is the ageing CG and that last few survivors of Patrick Stewart's hair. Oh, and as much as I do love Stewart, to somebody with my experience of Star Trek, this crew just really doesn't feel as iconic as the big-eared Spock or the sausage-shaped Kirk.

Having said all that, I did enjoy First Contact for what it was. The Borg's Queen was a cool character, although when she announced that she “brings order to chaos” it made me see her as less as a villain and more as the woman who could sort out the queueing system at my local chippy. Oh, and I do like Data too. At one point, and despite being a robot, the Queen asks him how long it's been since he last got laid, to which he responds “Eight years, seven months, sixteen days, four minutes, twenty-two seconds”. It's getting depressing how much I relate to him. Still it's enjoyable to see him essentially deconstruct humanity by trying to understand us. And it was fun to see James Cromwell pop up in this too. He plays a drunken rocket-scientist that spends a lot of his time chasing after whatever woman he can spot. If I have to watch James Cromwell being overly interested in a tasty babe then I definitely prefer Star Trek: First Contact to fucking Pig In The City.

 

Star Trek 7: Generations

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Star Trek 7: Generations - what the fuck is it about?

So this is the film in which Kirk and Picard manage to team up after Kirk is struck by what I'll call some 'contrivance-lightning' that conveniently sends him into the future. Although if you've been watching these movies chronologically, you can see that age alone has already been sending Shatner into the future pretty fucking quickly. Moments before this happens, a retired Kirk was doing a tour of the Enterprise when things went a little titties up. They attempt to save some other ships from a weird space-cloud by arriving with only seconds to spare and getting themselves instantly stuck in it too. That's not the mistake, though. I mean.. that's just stupidity. I guess you can't expect these people to be.. you know.. rocket scientists. The mistake is that, of the few people they manage to rescue, one of them is Malcolm McDowell. Because he's never played a crazy before, has he? Well except in every other fucking film he's ever appeared in. McDowell plays a creature here that's able to live an extraordinarily long life and so is able to survive travelling into the future to piss about with Picard. I mean, McDowell's rotting haggardy face certainly screams “man who refuses to die”. And to think, all it took to look the part was a decade-long smack habit.

So was it shit or not then?

Well I was excited to see this movie because I really wanted to see Shatner act alongside Patrick Stewart. I mean, I'm fans of them both however in terms of their style, I imagined it'd be as weird as a comedy double-act featuring Doug Stanhope alongside Barry Chuckle. And I was right. Stewart is doing his usual thing of drawing on his Shakespearean background whereas Shatner is fighting against the giant throbbing cock of self-parody. I was right; it was weird. The problem is that, as combinations go, it wasn't the good kind of weird, like sticking pineapple on a pizza, but rather the bad kind like you know.. sticking a good actor alongside William Shatner.

It doesn't help either that the film takes fucking yonks to build up to this moment, and then when it happens it's a bizarre mix of strange and boring. Because rather than being sent directly to the future, Kirk is living in a dimension in which he's living out an idealised version of his own life and that the future simply has access to. When we meet him, he seems excited because in this existence his dead dog is alive again. And it seems to be alive simply because he loved it so much. That's nice. I mean it's a shame that he seems to have forgotten about his dead son, but oh well.

And then we get to the death of Kirk, which is one of the least dignified conclusions since I was in school and I noticed that one of the other kids had finished a run after soiling himself. Kirk has to be one of the most iconic pop-culture characters of all time, and he dies simply because a crappy metal bridge collapses with him on it. I mean, I know he's put weight on over the last few films, but still. I'd say the character deserved more than that, especially seems as he adds pretty much nothing else to the plot at all. It's as though the movie only exists to have the two captains together and give one a good send off, and yet where these two's goals are concerned, the film is sadly like my school chum's post-run arse-hole, because it completely failed.

The rest of the film is also pretty forgettable with the exception of a sub-plot involving Data. He's a robot that accidentally fucks up an upgrade that was meant to have him feel emotions. The result is that, like this film as a whole, his mood is all over the place. I did find the way in which he'll go from laughter to the verge of tears in the space of a second pretty funny though. Although that could simply be because it reminded me of my Mum after a drink.