Falling Into The Booby Trap

Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Podcasts

A few weeks before the new Tomb Raider film came out, the Jennifer Lawrence fronted Red Sparrow was also released which caused people to wonder if this might be a renaissance period for female-led franchise films. Does anybody even remember Red Sparrow anymore though? Did that end with somebody getting their skin ripped off by a cheese grater or am I just confusing it with the time I tried to make a pizza whilst stoned? Either way, it wasn't exactly successful and so Tomb Raider was left alone in carrying the burden of being an action movie that didn't focus exclusively on a white male actor who was probably called fucking Chris or something. Not only that but they decided to set themselves something of a challenge by making a movie that was also based on a video-game. For anybody that's never seen the Super Mario Brothers or Street Fighter films, this is generally about as good an idea as sticking your dick into an electrical socket to power the toaster that you're about to shove up your arse. Whether you play games or not however, the odds are that you'll know the name Lara Croft with her having achieved a somewhat iconic status already and having already previously featured in two earlier Tomb Raider movies. If not then she's basically a gun-toting archaeologist that teenagers used to secretly tug one out to in the '90s.

 Subscribe to the podcast!

Murder, Bestiality, Tinder, And Pokemon

Join us on Facebook!

When I was about ten years old we had my cousin around to stay and in the four seconds that I took my eyes off him, he managed to delete all thirty fucking hours of the progress that I'd put into my Pokemon Yellow on the Gameboy Colour. I'd like to say that I took this gracefully as it had obviously been an accident on his part, but the reality is that I dropped down to my knees and screamed the word “no” as loud as I could like a dickhead. I wasn't wearing a vest at the time but if I had been I suspect that I'd have probably ripped it off to add to the fucking drama. Not only had he deleted where I was up to in my game but he'd essentially also murdered the Pikachu that I'd formed a bond within it. Yeah, that's right, I said 'murdered'. Anyway, that would all have been about twenty years ago now and although I'm obviously over it if he, Andrew, happens to be reading this and still wants to make it up to me then I suppose the only fair way of doing that would be to make things even right? So that would be oh I don't know, thirty hours of my chores that he could do in order for me to get back the time that was stolen and then maybe he could stand by and watch as I kick his favourite fucking pet to death, yeah? Maybe I'd feel better about it then, Andrew.

The Rock Spanks His Monkey

Join us on Facebook!

Although it pains me to say I was sadly at the funeral of my best friends' new born daughter the other week. During the speeches about her life it was genuinely mentioned that one of the experiences that had been lost was the chance for me to sit with her and explain exactly why The Rock is the greatest human of all time... And obviously this annoyed me. “Hang on” I thought, “why would I have to be the person to explain this? Does this mean that not everybody here actually fucking thinks it too?” It seemed an inappropriate time and place to bring this query up afterwards but it also seemed a little inappropriate that some people might not love The fucking Rock as much as I do and so I had to say something. I mean, seriously?! In the way that he raises those eyebrows whilst playing everything with his tongue firmly in his cheek it's like he's a cross between Roger Moore and the Incredible fucking Hulk. Just look at his entrance into Fast Five in which he stomps into the series with the confidence that the British Empire used to have whilst stomping around the world, casually claiming countries as their own. As Dominic Toretto and his merry band of morons were too busy stealing cars, it seems that they weren't quite quick enough to spot The Rock and his charm were stealing their own fucking franchise.

They've Got Fun And Games

Join us on Facebook!

Jumanji is an average film that people remember as being better than it was because nostalgia is a drug and we all love Robin Williams. That original movie involved playing a magical board-game in which animals spawned out of it and caused mass devastation on the real world. Although I'd argue that it still wasn't quite as destructive as the average game of Monopoly can be. We once played a game in which - I swear to God - one friend attempted to avoid going bankrupt by offering fucking blow-jobs around. Considering the popularity of the original film, it's odd that it's taken over twenty years for a sequel to come out and I have no idea why that might have been? Maybe Robin Williams was reluctant to return? Or maybe there was a sequel in 2005 called Zathura: A Space Adventure and everybody forgot it instantly? I guess we'll never know. To keep things fresh, this sequel decides to do things a little differently to the original. Rather than being about a board-game releasing a load of animals into our world, it's about a video-game that sucks people into its world. Just to write that again so you can take it in without shitting your pants.. this is a sequel that dares to do something new. Thank God it wasn't a Star Wars movie or people would be pressing rape charges against it for ruining their childhood about now.

The First Good Video Game Movie?

Join us on Facebook!

Like googling the phrase 'two girls one cup', invading Poland, or visiting Toxteth, it seems that adapting a video game into a movie is one of the worst things that you could ever possibly do. Over the years we've been hit by a tsunami of shit after people have tried and failed to successfully transition one medium to the other and yet film-makers still persist in trying. This is despite almost every case attempted so far ending its life as a Tomb Raider or Super Mario Bros. shaped turd bobbing its way towards cinemas like a bloated corpse in a sea of piss. Assassin's Creed is the latest series to attempt the jump from games to movies, however if the reviews are anything to go by, it would appear that the success of this leap of faith has been equal to watching a drunk bloke attempt a 60ft bungee into a post-curry cesspool whilst using only his dick for a rope.

A Terrible Vision

Join us on Facebook!

People rightly moan that there aren't enough female directors working in Hollywood which seems to be a problem that the Wachowskis are single-handedly trying to solve themselves. A few weeks ago, and before it was announced that Andy had transitioned into Lilly, a friend asked if it was me who'd told him that one of the Coen Brothers had had a sex change. I thought for a second before responding that it wasn't, but I may have told him that one of the Wachowski's had. “Oh” he said, “that makes more sense”. I asked why he was asking to which he answered “Because I was watching an interview with the Coens the other day and I was trying to work out which one of them it was”. He then paused before concluding “I wondered why they both had fucking beards”. Well, to quote The Kinks, “it's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world”. If turning into Martha from Arthur will make a person happy, but doesn't involve somebody then having to drag a fat girl out of a lake and remove a moth from her throat, then who are we to judge? However, as acceptable as it is for a person to surgically alter their sexual organs, I draw the line at video-games that attempt to become films and films that attempt to become video-games. This all leads me to Hardcore Henry which now joins The Boy and Daddy's Home as films I've seen this year that definitely sound like they're going to be gay pornos.

Live. Die. Repeat.

Edge of Tomorrow is a film in which Tom Cruise dicks about with aliens and everybody thinks he's mad. What a stretch that must have been for him! Right, I've already talked about the film and made a shit joke so now it's time for me to go off topic. God, I hate my life. Like, it's actually fucking shit. I drive to work where I get bollocked for being crap at my job and then I drive home were I'm bollocked by my step-mum for still being alive. To be honest, I think that knowing how much my existence annoys her is all that's stopping me from driving head on into a fucking wall. Is this getting too grim yet? I suppose it's meant to be a movie blog and not a suicide note so I'll lighten things up a bit. Hey, have you ever noticed Tom Cruise's front two teeth? They should be in the middle of his mouth but they're not. They're actually off to the side for some reason. I promise that once you see it you'll never un-see it ever again. If you thought a cult that rapes its followers’ bank balances before treating them to bullshit secrets about little green men was weird then just wait until you see Tom Cruise’s smile. Oh, and did I mention that I'm only one bad day away from slashing my wrists? Sorry, no- ignore that.. It got dark again. We're here to discuss a film and so that's exactly what we'll do. Have you seen Edge of Tomorrow yet? I'm thinking of sticking my head in the oven. It's a good film. It's about a man who has a really shit time every single day and from the moment he wakes up. How unbearable does that sound? Fuck my life...