Aquaman Made Me Wet

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The actor Jason Momoa is so good looking that he could be the the star of one of those pretentious men's fragrance adverts, and yet at the same time he also manages to look like an actual tramp. I can genuinely picture him eating a cat out of a fucking bin, but I also imagine that he'd smell fucking incredible whilst doing it. In his new film Aquaman we're introduced to him as he rescues a submarine from a band of pirates whilst topless. But why is he topless? The filmmakers must know that it's frowned upon for the audience to openly masterbate in the cinema so what are they hoping to achieve? They've also given him some weird yellow contact lenses that are meant to show that he can talk to the fish or something. Or maybe they're like built in bio-goggles? To be honest I don't know what was going on with his eyes but they were way too sinister. He's kind of like a goat in that the evil in his eyes is way out of proportion with everything else on the rest of his head. Observations like this were also distracting me for the first twenty-minutes of the film and so might be the reason that I was never entirely sure what was going on with the story. Also I spent the entire opening act in confused self-reflection when some water splashed on Aquaman's stupidly handsome hobo face during a fight and I accidentally came in my pants.

Lucky Number 7

I was once camping in a field with my friends because we couldn't afford real holidays at the time. It was the middle of the night and we were all a little drunk when suddenly there was a loud crashing sound. A car veered straight off the road, into the air, through the surrounding fence and onto our campsite. It was the most exciting thing ever! Quickly, we campers surrounded the intruding vehicle like a cross between the Top Gear audience and The Lord Of The Flies. Obviously a few people helped the driver but most of us were just there for a good bit of lollygagging to make the evening go quicker. In fact, there was an empty baby seat in the car which led most people to believe that a child must have been catapulted out of the vehicle like a fucking Looney Tunes cartoon. As the hunt began for the non-existent child, the police turned up and dragged the driver off for being quite obviously as pissed as a fart. This is the reality of car accidents- and also one of the main reasons that the Fast And Furious franchise is so absurdly over the top that Vin Diesel could shit out a whole Gremlin halfway through the film and it wouldn't be any more ridiculous. Within about half an hour, the incident was over, we were back by our tents and drinking cheap cider as a way of convincing ourselves that we really were having fun.