What Is The Chance Of Success?

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Whether it be The Scorpion King from The Mummy franchise or a bit of dog shit from a bike tyre, spin-offs are not always very enjoyable. Rather than being a cash-in however, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is like a kid on the last day of school. You're still attending class and therefore have to abide by the bulk of the usual rules but so long as you don't do something too stupid like reveal the teacher's blatant alcoholism or out the caretaker as a nonce, then you're mostly left to do what you want. Well, in that vein, Rogue One is still very much a part of the Star Wars universe, but one that's not shackled to every single one of the tropes of the main episodes. So gone are the old familiars of an opening text crawl, the Jedi, and incest, only to be replaced by a much more gritty, much more self-contained story of blowing up.. well.. the Death Star. I guess some things never change and although we might not be so bound to the intergalactic episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show that is the Skywalker family, you can never have too many films in which a rag-tag gang of survivors must fight to destroy cinema's most devastating disco-ball.

Face To Face With Greatness

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Disney's latest film Moana tells the story of a teenage Polynesian girl that wants to run away from home. However although most teenage girls that runaway from home do so for dangerous reasons, such as the fact that they've put their trust into an older man with a nice car and a predatory agenda, Moana simply wants to save her island from a destructive curse. To do this she must hunt down a demi-God named Maui who is essentially responsible for all of the troubles that she's suffering, which must be nice for her. I mean, as a society, we're all used to a God being at the heart of our troubles, but unlike everybody else that's ever been gullible enough to believe in one, at least she knows that hers isn't total made-up bullshit. Her adventure involves travelling overseas, which is something that her father has strictly forbidden her to do because it's dangerous and he has some common sense. However the girl's dying Grandma is at a point in her life where she clearly doesn't give a fuck about anything and so encourages our hero out on her suicide mission. The old woman also thinks that once she dies she'll turn into a giant stingray looking thing that'll no doubt help the plot out at some point. I don't know why she wants to be a giant stingray but I'm going to guess she's not a fan of Steve Irwin.

Have Filmmakers Run Out Of Ideas?

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It's easy to say that filmmakers have run out of ideas when screens are full of sequels, remakes, and whatever the fuck piece of shit Batman V Superman was meant to be. In fact, this is something I heard two middle-aged men bitching about the other day and I suppose it's easy to see why. I mean look at what's on right now... Ben Hur and The Magnificent 7? It's like we're into the remake part of the studio named 'Stuff that Dad's might like'. Sadly my Dad is more into drinking himself into an early grave and remaining married to his miserable bitch wife than he is in seeing films, so I ended up going to The Magnificent 7 with a friend instead. I should point out at this point too that as terrible as I'm sure it is to admit, I haven't actually seen the original. Sorry. I guess I'm rarely sat in front of the television on Easter Sunday. It's just one of those things that's been on my 'to do list' for ages along with completing The Wire and either figuring out what the fuck my life is about or finally going through with the car exhaust, hose pipe, window trick.

Food Banks And Soapboxes

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When Ken Loach won his second Palme D'or for I, Daniel Blake, it was presented to him by Mad Max director George Miller and Mel 'Sugar Tits' Gibson. This is ironic because as Loach's new film began, I presumed that I was watching one of those post-apocalyptic, world's-gone-to-shit movies. Then I realised that rather than being set in the ruins of the old world, I, Daniel Blake was actually taking place in modern day Newcastle. Meh, it's an easy mistake to make. In this film, the Mordor-alike Newcastle has its own Eye Of Sauron ensuring that the orc-ish Geordies are kept under control. However rather than being a giant flaming tower, it's the Conservative Government and its Orwellian benefit system that aims to bewilder the sick and the vulnerable into a conveniently cheap death. Times are tough and money is tight, and this movie aims to remind us of how Cameron once said “We're all in it together”. Although what we're 'in' might differ depending on where you fall within society. Where some people are finding themselves heading towards being in a poverty-related early grave, others are simply enjoying another bottle of champers whilst being shaft-deep in a dead pig's mouth.

Warner Brothers Studio Tour

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People think that you have to be chosen to go to Hogwarts. That an owl will fly to you on your eleventh birthday with a letter inviting you to begin your education in the wizarding world. But fuck that. I'm not eleven any more and I didn't get invited to go and learn fucking magic. My friend Kris and I went down to London last weekend and as we wandered aimlessly around, we bumped into a street magician as he was about to begin his show. He used his mind to bend cutlery, he made foam balls disappear from under a cup, and he made the corner of a random card that he'd ripped appear on the inside of an uncut lemon. Did he learn to do this under the guidance of Professor Dumbledore? No. Of course not. Who needs the first rate education of Hogwarts when you have a childhood as lonely as his must have been! Anyway, he finished his show, asked us all for a fiver and so me and my friend performed a magic trick of our own and fucking disappeared. We needed all of our money for something much more exciting that weekend because although we might not have been invited to go to Hogwarts, we'd decided to do a Malfoy and buy our way in instead. Whether Malfoy would stay in a small room at the Premier Inn in Watford before going to school, I don't know. But after a good nights sleep in which my friend assures me that he didn't masturbate, we were both ready to go to the Harry Potter Warner Brothers Studio Tour.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

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This is the first film in a new series of non-Harry Potter Harry Potter films and, to cut to the chase.. it's fucking brilliant. Do you know what a Niffler is? Well it's basically a creature from the magical world that likes to steal gold which looks like the bastard offspring of a mole that was gang-raped by pack of rowdy mallards. In many ways, that little bastard sums Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them up in that he's charming, full of energy, and when you shake him upside down he begins shitting out gold. In the way that he runs about causing trouble and trying to steal as much money for himself as he can get his stupid little hands on, he's also a magical creature for our new Trump-Era. In fact... you have to wonder if the makers of this film could predict what the polls couldn't and somehow knew that we'd now be living in a world in which the American President would be that gassy haired fuck. I mean, this film features winged snakes, invisible monkeys, and a giant, horny, horned rhino-thing.. but if you wanted to know where to find the most dangerous of creatures then it apparently looks like an Umpa Lumpa crossed with a down-syndrome Guinea Pig and it's soon to be living part-time in the fucking White House.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part Two

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Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

So this film begins with the Harry Potter trio breaking into a bank, because the movie came out during the recession and so fuck the system!! They're helped into the building by one of its employees who then proceeds to betray them and leave them trapped. Who'd have thought that a banker couldn't be trusted?! Anyway, they escape the bank with a horcrux and then destroy it. They then quickly find and destroy a shit tonne more horcuxes in half the time that it took them to fuck up that single one in the previous film. As much as I quite enjoyed The Deathly Hallows Part 1, I think this is proof that it had been affected by the curse known as Cyniculous Cash-In-ious.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part One

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Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part One- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

To be honest I've never seen British camping depicted better in a movie than in this one. As much as we'd like to pretend it's true, we don't actually do a little exercise in the afternoon sun as a bra flies across the field and Barbara Windsor flops her tits out. Like this film, the reality is that we actually just sit in a tent as it pisses down outside, we all start to snap at each other, and we wonder if this will be the night that we die. At this point in the series, everything Harry has ever known and loved, including Dumbledore, has gone straight out of the window. So along with Ron and Hermione, they all set off on an adventure to find and destroy several artefacts that contain Voldemort's soul. Sadly they don't really know where to start because Dumbledore figured that setting up little riddles would be more fun than not being a difficult bastard.

Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince

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Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

Essentially this is the film in which Dumbledore has assigned Harry the special mission of allowing the new teacher of potions, Professor Slughorn, to take him to a variety of parties and then eventually seduce him. Well, I suppose it is a boarding school after all. Slughorn has a memory that Dumbledore needs in order for him to discover a secret that might help them to defeat Voldemort. Although if this film had been set in our modern day world, it would have been pretty fucking easy to do considering everybody now posts their every waking thought as a status on some form of social media. 'Can't believe I just taught Voldemort how to live forever lol #WatANob'.

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix

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So in this, film Harry is confused and disturbed by the fact that he's found himself dreaming of an older man. Sure it might be the man that killed his Mum, Dad, and at least one fellow student, but I'd still make fun of him for it if I was his friend. Hey, I have a joke that I thought up whilst watching this film. It goes...

Q- Voldemort has no nose. How does he smell?

A- Of the blood of Harry's parents!

Anyway, because of comments like that, Harry spends most of this movie being pretty pissed off. At one point he even worries if his anger is proof that he has a lot more in common with Voldemort than he'd like to admit to. I wouldn't worry about it mate.. being constantly angry isn't proof of a magical connection to your parents' killer. The other day I nearly smashed the office up just because I was the only person in work not to get offered a fucking biscuit. To add to this however, he's probably also pretty pissed off that nobody believes him about Voldemort's return which seems fair enough on his part. The last film ended with him having won what was essentially his school's sports day when he returned holding the corpse of a fellow competitor. I guess the idiots watching just assumed that was what you won in that competition. In which case, fuck them.. I'd take my prized Diggory home and mount him in the bathroom where I keep my other fucking trophies.

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

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Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire- What the fuck is it about? (Lots of spoilers)

The film begins with an attack at a sports event. Only Harry sees the attacker and yet when pressed for details responds with “I don't know who it was. I didn't see his face!” I wouldn't worry about it mate. If the last three fucking films have been anything to go by it'll probably be your new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. I honestly don't know how that school gets away with its hiring policy for that position. We're four films into this franchise and so far there's been a radicalised child killer, a pathological liar, a man with a violent split-personality, and now an imposter. In the real world, and despite being innocent, Filch's appearance alone would spur the papers to out him as a nonce and incite a mob to burn his fucking shed down.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

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Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

So Harry begins his third year of magic school and finds out that a serial killer has broken out of prison and wants him dead. Not exactly a relatable issue for most of us and so the film cleverly throws in a grim little subtext for all the teenagers in the audience. Like most kids of Harry's age, the boy wizard is finding himself a little hounded by the black dog. However in his case it's not simply a metaphorical term for the depression he feels as it dawns on him that the world is a shithole. Rather, his black dog is quite literally a big black dog that seems to want him dead. Oh, and in an attempt to protect Harry from this escaped killer, Dumbledore has opened the school to a bunch of grim-reaper like pricks known as Dementors. The Dementors however also seem pretty happy to kill Harry too if he happens to get in their way. So.. basically, Harry has to go through another year of school in which most of the things at that school want him dead. But oh fuck... he better get a parental signature on his Hogsmeade form or he won't be allowed to visit the quaint little village to have fun with his friends.

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets

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Just to get you up to speed

Believe me or don't but the first Harry Potter film was riddled with subtext regarding the time in a young boy's life when he learns his favourite new hobby of whacking off. If you don't trust me then you can click here to read my previous blog which should explain.

Well, it seems that the second film in the saga continues that train of thought and wonders.. 'hmm, so what might a young boy become obsessed with once he's learnt how to knock one out?” The answer of course being the lifelong search for vagina. Or as this film calls it... The Chamber of Secrets!!

Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone

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Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

I wonder if the entire success of this franchise is down to simple wish fulfilment? Harry Potter is an eleven year old child when he finds out that not only is he famous for having saved the world but he's also as rich as fuck. You find me an eleven year old child and I'll show you a superficial little bastard that'd give his right nut for all of that. Send me to a mixed-gender boarding school and throw an invisibility cloak into the mix and fuck it- I'm sold. So Harry finds out that he's a wizard and on his way to magic school, which is lucky because his complete cluelessness makes spoon feeding the audience exposition pretty fucking easy. It's just a shame that they then go on to repeat everything about a million times. So Harry'll say, “You told me they died in a car crash” and just to emphasis this important point, Hagrid will then repeat “A Car Crash!!”. “You're a Wizard Harry”, says Hagrid. “I'm a Wizard” Harry repeats to make sure that all the thick people in the audience got the point.

I Saw John Carpenter Live!

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As John Carpenter and his band launched into their live rendition of the theme from his ghostly masterpiece The Fog, some genius thought it'd be a good idea to turn on the smoke machine. And they were right. It was fucking genius. Seeing Carpenter play that piece of music with footage from the film projected onto a large screen behind him, while mist slowly descended over the room, was one of the many highlights of the Liverpool gig that I saw him at on the 28^th of October. I can't say that any ghost-pirates appeared from the fog this time, however it's been so long since I last ate any fruit that it wouldn't surprise me if I had fucking scurvy at this point. Getting into the gig had proven to be more of a ball-ache than I'd imagined thanks to Google-maps providing the wrong location, one Taxi-driver refusing to take us because “he'd be fucked by the Hackneys”, and then finding ourselves stuck outside the most badly organised venue that I've ever been to. People with paper tickets were allowed straight in whereas those with E-tickets had to stand outside until twenty-minutes past the gig's original start time for some reason. To quote a fellow E-ticket queuer; “it's like we're the working class and this venue thinks it's the fucking Titanic”.

Marvel Is Going Strange

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Doctor Strange is arguably the most unbelievable film that Marvel have decided to use in their Cinematic Universe. Not because of all the magic and crazy shit in it of course. Who can be surprised by that in a world featuring The Avengers?! Even more insanely, it actually seems to take place in an America in which literally nobody ever seems to have to pay their hospital bills! I mean, what the fuck?! At one point an injured Doctor Strange zaps straight into the hospital, calls the name of a nurse he knows, finds an empty operating room and gets seen to straight away. The other day my mate fell strangely onto his ankle because he's a total fucking idiot and I thought we were both going to die in that hospital the wait was so long. It was the same as that time I slipped in the bathroom when balancing on the side of the bath and cracked my bollocks on the sink. Who cares about magic when the film has hospitals that treat people as well as this?! This might be a universe in which aliens are being shat out of the sky, and various ancient Gods are taking a huge glittery dumps onto humanity, however clearly it's not all bad!

A Real Disaster At The Movies

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So it was Friday night and I'd arranged to go to the cinema with my friends to see the disaster movie Deepwater Horizon. It's about an oil rig that exploded and in which people died or something. Anyway, about an hour before we'd arranged to meet, the real disaster struck when every single one of my shit-house friends individually messaged to cancel on me. I mean, what was I meant to do? Only fucking losers go to the cinema alone on a Friday night and I obviously wasn't about to do that was I?! Anyway so I got to the cinema on my own and found my seat. I was trying to be discreet although in retrospect the flask of tea may have been a mistake. I took it with me because I'm English and we sometimes just can't help ourselves. Also I was alone at the cinema on a Friday night.. how much more could the other fuckers there really judge me?! Anyway so just as the film began I undid the lid and, forgetting how hot tea is, I accidentally unleashed so much steam that I pretty much turned my aisle into a fucking sauna. Now I think about it, perhaps this kind of thing is why nobody will come the cinema with me... On the bright-side however, as the giant sea-based oil rig began to explode, I couldn't help but feel that I'd actually created a much more immersive environment for everybody around me. So you know.. you're welcome!

A Boring Journey

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In the way that my bitch of a step-mother is missing any sense of empathy, compassion, kindness, and even some of her teeth, The Girl On The Train also lacks a fundamental ingredient that it requires to be complete. It's an edge of the seat thriller that seems to have forgotten to be in any way fucking thrilling. I've heard the book it's based on referred to as an 'airport book', which I'd assumed meant it was an enjoyably trashy page turner that you might pick up at the airport for an easy read on your holidays. However having seen the film I can only now assume that it's called an 'airport book' because it's so predictable and boring that once you start reading it you'll want to drop it off in the furthest bin you can find from your house. If you haven't read or heard of the book then perhaps you'll have heard of this movie thanks to the bombardment of trailers that have been trying to sell it as an edge of the seat experience. I agree with this too I suppose, in that I did spend a lot of the movie on the edge of my seat. However this was less to do with how gripped I was and more to do with the fact that as soon as the credits were rolling and I could leave, I'd decided I wanted a sprinting start.

I Saw A Film Today, Oh Boy!

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For the sake of context, I feel it might be worth mentioning that I live in a place called The Wirral which is directly opposite Liverpool. I'm close enough that I can get away with taking the piss out of them, but far enough away that I'm thankfully not actually one of them. Essentially, Wirral is perfectly located to keep an eye on whatever trouble the scousers might be getting up to, but with the river Mersey keeping us just far enough apart for the sake of 'Health and Safety'. People always associate the River Mersey with Liverpool but it's actually just as much ours as it is theirs. You've heard of the Mersey Ferry I'm guessing? Well, that'll pretty much take you straight to us like the last chopper out of Saigon. So basically, I've lived my life having to constantly hear our neighbouring Liverpudlians screaming about The fucking Beatles from over the river but without actually coming from the same place as them to give that much of a shit. I mean, I like The Beatles, don't get me wrong, but you know what Liverpool is like. If a scouser won a line of Bingo when he was on holiday he'd be championed back as a local fucking hero.

And It Was The Best

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Hunt For The Wilderpeople is a film about two people on a journey, which is ironic because I had to go on a journey to find this fucking movie. Despite looking more shite than a little brown lump in a particularly smelly kitty-litter box, Nine Lives is still playing in my local cinema well over a month since it was dumped onto the Earth. Are people really paying to see that? Because even though I'd heard that it was one of the best films of the year, Hunt For The Wilderpeople was only playing in the nearest art-house cinema to me, and I'm not sure why! I mean, it's not like the film is obscure or designed only for the most cine-literate of movie geeks. It's about a mismatched couple bickering on an adventure. Not only is this the set-up for most movies, it's relatable too as I was bickering with my friend as we were forced on our journey to see this film. Although, in the film the two characters bicker because of their water-and-oil personalities, me and my friend bickered because he couldn't understand why it was inappropriate to frantically scratch cheese stains off his crotch when we're on a crowded fucking train.

Going To See Bridget Jones's Baby...

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Going to see Bridget Jones's Baby was like accidentally stumbling into a fucking hen-night. Me and my friend religiously go to the cinema every single Tuesday and I refuse to watch the same film more than once a year. So this was literally the only thing that was available for us to see at that time. Plus it was getting good reviews so sod it, I figured it was worth a shot. But fuck me.. as we opened the door to the cinema, you could see the oestrogen flooding out like blood from the elevator in The fucking Shining. Women were dressed as devils, had banners around themselves, and at least one middle-aged gang looked like the Playboy Bunnies had escaped from a particularly rough session at the vivisection clinic.

Something Blindingly Good

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Kubo And The Two Strings begins with a mother and her young son in hiding from their family, which is something I can relate to. In this case it's because Kubo's grandfather has already plucked out one of his eyes and intends to pluck out the other. Me and my Mum genuinely once hid behind the front-room sofa because a relative we simply thought to be particularly boring was knocking on our door. Had they wanted to blind me too? Fuck that shit! Kubo is also told by his mother that he's not to go out at night because he'll be spotted and hunted down by the Moon King. My Mum also told me that when I was a child, although even then I knew that the Moon King was her euphemism for the pedophile that lived three doors down. The stuff I couldn't relate to however were the scenes in which the young boy went on a mythical adventure in which he fought giant skeletons and witches alongside his friends, the samurai beetle man, and a talking monkey. Me and my mate once found a load of beer in the woods alongside some porno mags but that's about as exciting as our adventures would get.

Alone In The Dark?

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Whilst watching Lights Out I was reminded of a little phase I once went through when I was younger. When I was a child there was a period in which every night I would see the Grim Reaper stood at the bottom of my bed just watching me. My Mum would turn the light on and reveal that it was actually just the shadow of some cuddly-toys combined with with a hung up dressing gown, but fuck her.. I know what I saw. From that point on I insisted on going to sleep with the light on due to my own little quirk of finding it easier to nod off when I couldn't see fucking demons. I was probably about eight when I began seeing him and so it's been a long time since I had Death stood over me as I lay in my bed. Shame really, because life seems to get shitter with age and so I don't think I'd really be too fucked about a visit from that cloaked prick at this point.

The World Gathered Round

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From the moment that the movie began with every-bodies favourite awkward sitcom character driving to work and singing aloud, I knew I was about to see one of the funniest films of the last few years. Despite how identical that set-up is however, I'm sadly not talking about David Brent: Life On The Road but rather the vastly superior spin-off movie Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa. The Office may well be my favourite show of all time and so I was nervous when Gervais announced that Brent was going to be the star of his own film. Not least of all because it seems that the more I see of Gervais, a man I once considered to be an Emperor of comedy, the more I begin to wonder about the fleshy pink colour of his flabby new clothes. The Simpsons creator Matt Groening once described Gervais as being “the new Woody Allen”. But you know.. as much as that'd be nice, I'm not sure it's actually true. Allen is the writer/director of such classics as Annie Hall and Manhattan, and Gervais is the man behind some not-so-classics as The Invention Of Lying and The Special Correspondents. The only way that Groening's Allen comparison could be even remotely accurate would be if he was actually referring to an as yet undisclosed allegation regarding Gervais fucking private life.

Bourne Again

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Is it just me or does Jason Bourne have a suspiciously similar set-up to Finding Dory? It's around a decade after the previous entry in the series and we're finally getting a sequel in which everybodies favourite amnesiac fights to discover the mystery of their absent parents. Although I suppose the fact that Dory isn't known to have ever battered the shit out of anybody with a rolled up bit of magazine is one difference between the two. Also Jason Bourne is not a fish. One other thing that they do share however is in how artistically nobody really saw these follow-ups coming. I mean obviously Finding Nemo and The Bourne series were shitting out more coins than King Midas after a particularly brutal 'pokey-bum wank'. However it didn't seem that either of them really had anywhere to go in terms of story. Ignoring Jeremy Renner's The Bourne Cash-In, The Bourne Ultimatum not only wrapped the entire story up but it did so with literally the most perfect way to end one of the most consistent trilogies of the last few decades. In which case the question that needs to be be asked is 'does this new Jason Bourne film do anything to justify the continuation of the franchise?' Short answer.. No.

A Fish Out Of Water

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I was once working in a pub as four blokes in their mid-fifties were sat around ranting to each other about the problems with the youth of today. “You're in your twenties, aren't you” one of them eventually said to me, “I mean- you lot... I bet you can't even put your foot on this ceiling?!” There's a lot that you can slag my generation off for and so I'll admit that this criticism took me a little by surprise. “Obviously I can't”, I answered whilst pulling my best 'you're a fucking tit' face, “but I bet you can't either!” I don't know if people in his day found that walking around on their hands was a more efficient way to get around, but I was certainly intrigued by his declaration of, “actually... I fucking can”. “Go on then” I challenged, whilst excitedly preparing for the fact that on this shift I was about to get paid to watch on old man break his fucking back. It was at this point that the guy simply reached down to what turned out to be his prosthetic leg, popped it off, reached up, touched the foot against the ceiling and began to laugh. I know people don't like to hear it but sometimes disabled people aren't just victims. Sometimes disabled people can be knobheads as well.

It's Just Really, Really Bad

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Don't you hate it when you lie on your C.V., get the job, realise you have no idea how to actually be a brain surgeon, and suddenly now you're a murderer?! Well, it seems that's pretty much what's happened to Suicide Squad which is so structurally fucked and tonally inconsistent that I feel like I should go back to it with a doll so that it can point to exactly where the studio interfered with it. Just look at the very first trailer which used a haunting version of 'I Started A Joke' by everybody's favourite wailing eunuchs, The Bee Gees. It looked pretty creepy, I thought. Then trailer two used 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and the world shat its collective arse out with excitement because the movie looked like it'd be so much damn fun. Perhaps I'm wrong, but when you do watch the final film, it comes across as though they were making trailer one and then changed the product to fit it closer to the more popular aesthetic of trailer two. Imagine if you organised a wake for the death of your sister's husband but it gets on Facebook that it's actually a party, and so you have to put balloons everywhere to try and fake an atmosphere of fun. Meanwhile your sister is killing that atmosphere by crying her eyes out and blaming you for the death of her husband by “pretending to be his fucking brain surgeon”.

This Helped Me To Stand Up To A Racist

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Everybody has their moment to shine when it comes to standing up to a racist... well, except others racists, obviously. When leaving the cinema the other day I happened to bump into a chap who'd taken offence at somebody's “fucking dirty Muslim beard”. Apparently some white guy nearby had a beard that reminded this man of a 'Muslim beard' whatever that is (presumably he'd spotted some halal meat in it... or something), and as a result, said beard-owner needed to “fuck off out the country with those other Muslim bastards if he loves them so much”. I don't know what worried me more, the fact that I was now presented with the dilemma of either having to stand up to a drunken racist, or alternatively pretend to be one in order to avoid a confrontation.. or the fact that this chap clearly thought I had the look of somebody that might agree with his mad bastard views. Admittedly I don't have a “fucking dirty Muslim beard”, however that's less to do with the my ill-informed and bigoted xenophobia and more to do with the fact that I just can't grow a fucking beard.

Busting Makes Me Feel Good

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Since the announcement of Paul Feig's Ghostbusters reboot, it seems that the world has gone fucking mad. Alleged fans of the original saw an all-female cast and a fresh start for their long dead franchise, and rather than being grateful they reacted by screaming holy fucking jihad. The director and cast began receiving death threats as though they'd organised a mass bonfire of every copy of the original film and just before the burning had started they'd stood on top of the pile and taken one huge collective 'fuck you' dump. Except that's not what they did, is it? They had a vision for a property that had literally done piss-all since its crappy sequel was released in 19-fucking-89 and they made a movie. A movie that up until now nobody in the world had even seen. It's like a child waking up on Christmas day, seeing their un-opened presents, and despite having no idea what's inside, they start crying because it's not what they wanted. Well, as far as I'm concerned, children like that don't deserve presents. They deserve to be drowned in a fucking well.

Star Trek Into Darkness

Star Trek Into Darkness - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins with Benedict Cumberbatch's John Harrison causing some shit that makes Kirk want to track him down and capture him. However perhaps there's more to this John Harrison than initially meets the eye? Perhaps he's not who we think he is? Perhaps he's somebody a little more iconic that that?! Well, I guess I Khan't tell you either way. Or maybe I can?! Meh, fuck it, he's playing Khan. Obviously. So the first half of the movie has a Godfather 3 style massacre- a villain who does one of those ridiculous 'get captured and then somehow predict everybody's movements' plans, and then it concludes with a spot of Wrath Of Khan karaoke. Oh, and all throughout, the guy who plays Robocop is trying to start a war between the Federation and the Klingons because, you know.. this is an action film and it's nice to see spaceships go 'boom'.

So was it shit or not then? (Spoilers.. obv)

Reviews were initially kind to this movie, however as the years have gone by its reputation has gone down faster than than a cheap whore that'll suck you off for less than a packet of fruit pastels. I think the initial love for it was simply because of how fast it moves and how fun it is and so people weren't given chance to turn against it. But as time has passed and everything it has to offer has sunk in, people have gotten an “it's ripping off the Wrath Of Khan” hump. Which is sort of justified of course, seeing as Kirk's cancery/radiation death is literally identical to Spock's in that earlier movie, but with one small difference. Wrath Of Khan's was between two men that had been friends for over thirty years and so was significantly more emotional. As such, many people feel the scene hadn't earned justification for itself due to this Kirk and Spock being about as moody with each other as a teenager that's been forced to stop tossing off and do some house chores. 

Except in Into Darkness's defence, I don't think its death scene is about Kirk and Spock's friendship, but simply how everything Spock touches turns to shite. His planet his destroyed, his Mum dies, all of his Federation leaders get wiped out, and then after all of that, his new mate dies too. If the Enterprise really was like a ship exploring the vast mysteries of the sea-like universe then I'd have Spock thrown overboard for being a fucking Jonah*. So I don't think we were meant to accept that Pine and Quinto's characters were as close as Shatner and Nemoy's, but rather Spock has finally fucking snapped. Hence him then going after Khan with all the anger and confusion of a man who's just sat down really hard on his own testicles. However if I do have a criticism of that scene being in this movie, it's that the Spock who died in Wrath Of Khan is in this fucking movie too. They even ask Nemoy's Spock about Khan. You'd think might mention “oh yeah.. that Khan's a right prick. By the way.. You know that reactor core thing? Maybe keep a fucking radiation suit by it, yeah?”. I mean that's just basic safety regulation, surely!

I suppose it's also a bit of a problem that Kirk is killed and then resurrected within the space of about ten minutes, which was also after his equally brief demotion and re-promotion had lasted about as long it'd take to have a piss. So I'm not saying that the script couldn't have done with being passed through the common sense machine at least one more time. Plus considering Khan's blood essentially brought Kirk back from the dead, and the film ends with Khan in a freezer, you've essentially removed any sense of threat from the rest of the franchise... whilst also doing the ship's doctor Bones out of a fucking job. And nor, as we discover as the film goes on, am I really sure why Khan thought it was a good idea to hide all of his friends in a load of missiles. Maybe it explained it and I missed it, but as stupid moves go, that is basically the equivalent of hiding your ice-cream in an oven and then wondering why it's melted. Short story.. because you were a dickhead.

I think the other thing people don't like about this movie is that it puts more of a focus on the Federation's militarisation than it does on the crew simply going off for an intergalactic jolly 'oliday. However it does kind of make sense when you consider that this timeline follows on from a film in which the planet Vulcan was destroyed. In which case, as a one off story to tell of the paranoid aftermath of those events, I was pretty happy with what I got. Although considering Vulcan was destroyed by a laser that was dangling from an easily breakable chain, I'm not so sure that they needed an army as much as they simply should have pulled their fucking thumb out and shot it down. Into Darkness might be a bit stupid but it is quite a lot of fun, and in a franchise in which Kirk asks “what does a God need with a Spaceship”, 'stupid but fun' isn't necessarily a step-down.

* Just in case you aren't an 18th century sailer or  haven't seen Master And Commander a 'Jonah' is basically a sailers version of a jinx.

 

Star Trek

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Star Trek - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins when the villain, Nero McBlandson, goes through a worm-hole that leads him directly into a franchise reboot. From here he kills Kirk's Dad and alters the timeline just enough that the original fans shouldn't get pissy about the un-canon-ing of their favourite show, but not quite enough to change anything significant. As such, we see Kirk become Captain of the Enterprise with Spock being his right hand man. I guess if your job is to issue orders then it probably helps for your second in command to have a good pair of ears.

So was it shit or not then?

Well surely we all have to admit that this movie is just completely fucking brilliant, don't we? Apparently the fans of the original films and shows hate this movie, but I honestly can't work out why. I mean, it's a prequel, sequel, and re-boot, all at the same time, which is at such a level of genius that I reckon it'd have Steven Hawking's computer shouting “clap, clap, clap”. Over the years I've seen this movie quite a bit, however this was my first viewing having seen every previous film in the franchise. As such, I became kind of worried that this time the performance by Pine and Quinto might pale in comparison to their much more iconic predecessors. Thankfully though this turned out not to be the case as, although Shatner does have his justifiably legendary status, Pine's secret weapon is simply that he can actually fucking act. Nor is it a problem for Quinto either due to Nemoy showing up in the film to point at him and shout “this is me from now on”. Oh and it also helps that the cast are also borderline clones of the original crew. I mean, having looked at the two actors, I refuse to believe that Karl Urban isn't simply what happens when the original Bones dips his balls in a Petri Dish full of stem cells.

One of the things that has changed for me since having watched the original films however is how much more emotional this has become. The opening ten minutes alone has always had me in tears but this time I found myself fighting them back with such regularity that I had to check that I wasn't going through the fucking menopause. Not to slag off the previous movies, but with them I think that I only cried once, and that was tears of joy after The Motion Picture finally ended and I discovered I hadn't actually lost a year of my fucking life to it. In fact, just compare the introduction of the Enterprise in that film to its introduction in this one and you'll see the difference. Here we get one of the most amazing scores of modern times aiding a shot that's like being stabbed in the brain with nostalgia.. in The Motion Picture we got a five minute sequence in which William Shatner gave his best 'fuck-me eyes' to an air fix model.

Not that I'm saying that this newer movie is perfect of course. Eric Bana's Nero is so uncharismatic that I'm presuming the black hole that he travelled through came into existence when he looked into a mirror and accidentally created a vortex of boredom. He's got a weird run too and it's really distracting. It's kind of a waddle you know, like if a fat person had been entered into a 'race for a pie competition'. Or to make that sound more Star Trek-related, it's as if William Shatner had been entered into a 'race for a pie competition'. Oh, and even ignoring Nero, there's a couple of distracting plot-holes scattered throughout. Most notably when Kirk is blasted onto a random part of a random planet and randomly runs into a random cave in which he randomly meets the older Spock. I don't know though, maybe that's how life works. Like if you take three rights you end up going left perhaps when so many things randomly happen like that things lead directly to where you need them to. Which in this movies case, was bullshit.

However that's one gripe in an otherwise brilliant movie. Sure the fans can moan that there was too much action and it lost the intellectual subtlety of what the franchise should be about, but what it lacks in subtext it gains in being the most consistently brilliant film of the franchise since Wrath Of Khan. I'm sorry the movie couldn't please everybody in favour of a the larger audience of general film fans, but to quote Spock “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”, and this movie is fucking brilliant. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

Star Trek 10: Nemesis

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Star Trek 10: Nemesis - what the fuck is it about?

So the Enterprise is sent to the Romulan council in order to negotiate a peace treaty, for some reason. Not that it matters I suppose considering that they're all instantly killed by a young Tom Hardy. Hardy plays an evil clone of Picard which we as an audience can tell because they're both disgustingly bald. Honestly there were scenes in which the two of them had their naked heads close together in which I couldn't help but think of that moment with Barbara Windsor in Carry On Camping. We're told that this clone exists because the Romulans “somehow” managed to get some of Picard's DNA. We're never told how they managed this, although considering Picard has flirted with at least one alien per new planet, I kind of don't want to know. Even when Picard is looking at Hardy, you can tell he's trying to work out whether banging a clone would count as incest. Anyway, long story short, Hardy needs Picard's blood to live and has decided that he also wants to destroy Earth... because you know.. fuck it, why wouldn't you!?

So was it shit or not then?

It was nice that in this film Hardy didn't just do his usual thing of mumbling, although sadly I still couldn't understand a word that he was fucking saying. I mean, this is a genuine sentence uttered in the movie: “The Son'a, the Borg, the Romulans, the evil Soran, and that pesky Nexus. You seem to get all the easy assignments!”. Sorry, what the fuck did you just say? It got so bad in this movie in regards to all that space gibberish that I actually invented a drinking game whilst watching it. Simply take a shot every time you hear something that you don't understand and then see if you can get to the first half hour without being fucking dead. In terms of Hardy's performance however, although I don't know what the fuck he was saying, I did enjoy him in general. Although he was skinny as hell. I guess this was filmed during that point in which he was enjoying life as a crack-head, which is fair enough. As the film goes on, his character begins to get sicker and sicker.. I'm not sure if this was intentional or if the filming was just dragging on and he was being forced to go cold turkey.

Whereas most franchises are content with just the explosions, Star Trek likes to ask the bigger questions. You know.. the really important things in life such as what would we do without the environment? And what does a God really need with a spaceship? In the case of Nemesis, it seemed to me that the movie was basically just asking 'have you ever considered that your problems could be solved with suicide?' Picard is trying to kill his clone; Data quite literally deactivates a replica of himself, and then the film concludes when a main character Wrath Of Khan's it by sacrificing themselves to save their friends. In every case, it seems that topping yourself isn't the worst idea ever. Even in terms of the franchise this is true. I read that this movie was stupidly released at the same time as one of the Lord Of The Rings films and as such made piss all money. What was the result of this? The franchise basically died before being brought back with the much more accessible and noticeably more profitable reboot. Problem solved!

I did like this film though. It was the first of the Next Generation movies to feel actually cinematic, the action was pretty good, and I did feel some emotion with the concluding sacrifice. I mean the emotion was pretty much just “oh.. never mind” but that's more than I felt at my own granddad's funeral. Who can be truly sad when you know you have a free buffet coming up?! With it's pro top-yourself message however, I just worry now that if I'm ever feeling particularly low and find myself looking at my veins whilst holding a knife, I can't be sure that I won't suddenly hear Patrick Stewart's voice demanding me to “make it so!”.

 

Star Trek 9: Insurrection

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Star Trek 9: Insurrection - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins on a planet of Amish type people who seemingly have no idea about the evils of technology. Well, not until Data the robot pops up and kicks the shit out of them anyway. It turns out that Data has been shot, resulting in him going a little mental. Because that's obviously what you want when exploring the dangers of the universe... a machine that will let you know it's malfunctioning by battering the fuck out of you. Picard promptly turns up to stop the android's rampage which he does by singing a Gilbert O'Sullivan song to him. I guess the film-makers were aware that the only way to end an action scene in a more exciting way than with an explosion is to have a bald, Yorkshire bloke turn up and sing the hits of the fucking 70's.

Anyway, it turns out that Data may have been shot to prevent him from uncovering a plot against these boring Amish type people. Despite spending their time by ignoring such electrical joys as the television, iPhone, and the Lovehoney Double-Dip-Delight Dildo, their planets position exposes them to some weird space-rays that allow them to remain youthful forever. Or if not forever then at least long enough that somebody like Cher might want to visit before her skin becomes so tight that her skull manages to rip its way through her face like Alien's fucking chestburster.

So was it shit or not then?

As seems to be the case with the Next Generation movies, it basically felt like an extended episode of the show, and to be fair... it makes the show look shit. Although that image of TubGirl made me never want to take a bath again, and we all know baths are good for you, so I'll keep an open mind. Duration-wise Insurrection manages to be about half an hour shorter than the average Trek movie and about nine fucking years shorter than Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Usually I'd argue that brevity is a good thing, however here it's as though loads of shit has just got chopped out. Sub-plots go seemingly nowhere and the theme of the movie remains as unexplored as Picard's personal barbershop. For example, one of the many subplots that goes nowhere is Picard's love of one of the planet's locals. However after ninety minutes of flirting they don't even kiss, which is odd, especially considering that Insurrection is really just a compound of both 'insert' and 'erection'.

Also the Starfleet's Prime Directive states that when exploring a new planet there should be “no interference with the social development of said planet”. As such, this movie is about Picard standing up for what's right for the Amish-like people against the hypocrisy of Starfleet's order to move them. However the movie fails to explore the idea that, firstly, pretty much every planet the crew have visited has been interfered with; secondly, when Kirk and Picard were visiting, most of the female aliens on said planets have been interfered with; and thirdly, it probably would be for the greater good that this small civilisation be relocated in order for scientists to fully examine these 'everlasting youth rays'.. and was it not Spock that said “the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many”? It seems like this would have been a great chance for the film to address the franchises own hypocrisies regarding that Prime Directive whilst examining the morality between the Prime Directive and Spock's mantra.

Also I depressingly didn't even have to Google the directive or the Spock quote.. I am enjoying this franchise over all, but if its mission was to turn me into a fucking nerd then I can't help but feel it's made it so. And I am enjoying this franchise, and I did enjoy Insurrection to a degree. It had some good action, nice half-developed ideas, and the villain was fun. Imagine an alien that's had so much plastic surgery that it's as though he's had his scrotum stapled across his face and you're pretty much there. If you can't manage that then just picture Mickey Rourke.

Star Trek 8: First Contact

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Star Trek 8: First Contact - what the fuck was it about?

So I guess this is really the first movie to show just the Next Generation team in action, and I did like the variety of Mr Wharf, Data, and Picard. With them, you have a dark-skinned Klingon, a pale android, and grossest of all... a fucking bald man. This time however we're told that “The Borg have gone back in time in order for them to be able to assimilate the future” Or to put it another way.. “some sci-fi shit is happening and so let's crack on”. In this movie, Patrick Stewart must go back in time to prevent past events from destroying the future, although unlike in Days Of Future Past, this time he actually gets off his lazy arse and goes himself. Oh, and this time, the villains are the previously mentioned Borg who travel around annoying people in giant metal cubes. So I guess they're a bit like intergalactic caravaners. The only thing is that the Borg aren't actually shown for ages and so all you know is that parts of them are made of metal and they like whatever room they're in to be uncomfortably hot. So for the first half of the movie I was basically just picturing my Nan.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, there's a lot of reference throughout to Picard having been previously tampered with by the Borg in the TV show. But all we really get to see of this is a quick flash back of him having a drill stabbed into his eyes, which coincidentally reminded me of what it felt like to watch Star Trek: The Motion Picture. But to somebody that's only watching the films this aspect is a little confusing, especially considering it adds basically nothing to the story except occasionally making Picard angry for no real reason. But if you can all recall, it really only takes the sight of James Cordon hosting an award ceremony to make Patrick Stewart angry, and I didn't need to watch a TV show to understand that. It was pretty fucking obvious that he was pissed.

In fact, the whole movie kind of just felt like a big-budget episode of a TV show really, with its only claim to being cinematic being that it's a TV show that's dressed up in sci-fi clothes. So, you get a couple of space-based dog-fights and explosions that cause people to comically trampoline around the Enterprise Bridge as though they're the silhouetted ladies from the opening titles to a Roger Moore Bond film. But it really doesn't look like a movie. I mean, even in terms of design you can tell that the Shatner films originate from a 60's sensibility, because everything is made of lava-lamps and would be pretty fucking fun to stare at when stoned. However when looking at everything here, the only real thing that dates it to the 90's is the ageing CG and that last few survivors of Patrick Stewart's hair. Oh, and as much as I do love Stewart, to somebody with my experience of Star Trek, this crew just really doesn't feel as iconic as the big-eared Spock or the sausage-shaped Kirk.

Having said all that, I did enjoy First Contact for what it was. The Borg's Queen was a cool character, although when she announced that she “brings order to chaos” it made me see her as less as a villain and more as the woman who could sort out the queueing system at my local chippy. Oh, and I do like Data too. At one point, and despite being a robot, the Queen asks him how long it's been since he last got laid, to which he responds “Eight years, seven months, sixteen days, four minutes, twenty-two seconds”. It's getting depressing how much I relate to him. Still it's enjoyable to see him essentially deconstruct humanity by trying to understand us. And it was fun to see James Cromwell pop up in this too. He plays a drunken rocket-scientist that spends a lot of his time chasing after whatever woman he can spot. If I have to watch James Cromwell being overly interested in a tasty babe then I definitely prefer Star Trek: First Contact to fucking Pig In The City.