28 June 2015

Fathers And Justice

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The Empire Strikes Back continues the story of Luke, Leia, and Han as their importance in the universe continues to grow and their incestuous love triangle reaches its fever pitch. Luke begins his training with Yoda, an alien that both looks and sounds exactly like the disabled love-child of both Kermit and Miss Piggy, whilst everybody else just tries to avoid the massive shiny helmet of Darth Vader. Meanwhile, Vader himself is attempting to track down the young Skywalker with all the determination of a knob that's dressed up as Batman, whilst hanging a 'Fathers For Justice' sign off Buckingham Palace. For most people, this is the best film in the Star Wars franchise and for others it's simply the best film ever made. On the flip side however, some people even consider this film a further stain on the reputation of cinema after the dumbing down of movies began in the mid-70's with its predecessor and Jaws. I won't really be giving that train of thought much time here though on the grounds that those people are simply pretentious, boring twats.

23 June 2015

The Original Hope

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When I was younger I used to believe in all sorts of silly little things such as magic, Santa Claus, and anti-aging cream. Since then however I've sadly discovered that most of these things are actually total bullshit and exist simply because people were desperate enough for them to be real. In many ways this is similar to the Star Wars prequels which were willed into creation by the franchise's fans and a creator with all the imagination of a lump of cheese. Being set before the original holy trilogy, those films could be seen as the mundane reality behind the eye-catching magic. In the same way that the Masked Magician showed us that everything is done with smoke and mirrors, they too showed us what the Clone Wars were and how Darth Vader came to be. If we're to assume that most people weren't the biggest fans of these most recent additions to the saga then I guess one question has to be asked... now we've had a decade to come to terms with them, do the prequel films diminish the magic of the original Star Wars 

15 June 2015

No Expense Spared

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Now, before we go any further, I feel I should point out that I think that Jurassic Park is perfect in every single way. If you told me now that there was a movie starring Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern and Richard Attenborough then I'd have my pants off and my pop-corn ready before you even got to the title. If you then told me that the cast would then spend the bulk of the movie running away from huge dinosaurs then I'd probably just start crying due to how flawless that idea is. Sobbing whilst naked from the waist down really is the only proper way to react to a plot description of Jurassic Park. It has a fat man falling down a waterfall, a triceratops with the shits, and a sneaky, ninja T-Rex at the end. What more could anybody ever want from a movie?! The sequels decreased in quality as the franchise marched on but I'd argue that they were still never less than good. Sure Jurassic Park 3 isn't the best but it's not much worse than Jurassic Park: The Lost World. Neither films might reach the heights of the groundbreaking original but they both have their moments. The scene in which Julianne Moore falls onto a sheet of cracking glass is one of unbelievable tension, and if you don't like the idea of a dinosaur that's eaten a phone and now has his own ringtone, then I don't think we're ever going to get along. 

8 June 2015

I Have A Bad Feeling About This

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Some people call me a fussy eater which is nice of them. I do love being judged. I guess humanity has reached a point where crimes such as serial killing and pedophilia have been long-since eradicated leaving just me and my hatred of sprouts to sort out. I do wish I liked vegetables but right now I find it difficult to eat something that was both fertilised with and tastes like horse shit. Having said that, I did find myself presented with a salad the other day and I actually enjoyed it. Now usually I'd just throw the plate on the floor and start screaming expletives but I'd just spent the previous week with a violent case of diarrhoea and so didn't really have the energy for a pissy fit. With cynical apprehension, I put the first leaf in my mouth and chewed down to discover that not only could I swallow the green crap but that I didn't hate it either. Sure I was starved to the point were I was half hallucinating that I'd turned into a six foot fucking rabbit, but that doesn't change the fact that that particular salad wasn't awful. I suppose the reason I tell you this is because in many ways this post-diarrhoea appreciation of salad is exactly like my most recent experience of watching Star Wars: Episode 3 - Revenge Of The Sith 

1 June 2015

The Reality of Nostalgia

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I started life in a particularly grotty area in which junkies roamed the streets and little children would shit on the floor in public. Some girl I knew once squat one out under a slide in the park and told me to keep it a secret. She said that I should tell people a dog had done it, which was fine because as far as I was concerned a fucking dog had done it. I was disgusted, appalled, and about five years old. Thankfully we moved away and it was only the other day, about twenty years later that I decided to return to it. I looked up the old road that had shaped my initial impression of the world when I was kicked in the balls by a wave of nostalgia. The place was exactly how I'd remembered it... the streets were paved with faeces and syringes littered the floor acting as obstacles for the children as they played their daily game of 'don't get AIDs'. What struck me the most however was how small the place now seemed. I wondered what the chap who bought our old house thought of the place, but of course I couldn't ask him. Not because I didn't have the confidence but rather that he'd made his answer quite obvious several years earlier by stringing himself up from a nearby lamppost and hanging himself. Oh well.