Aquaman Made Me Wet

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The actor Jason Momoa is so good looking that he could be the the star of one of those pretentious men's fragrance adverts, and yet at the same time he also manages to look like an actual tramp. I can genuinely picture him eating a cat out of a fucking bin, but I also imagine that he'd smell fucking incredible whilst doing it. In his new film Aquaman we're introduced to him as he rescues a submarine from a band of pirates whilst topless. But why is he topless? The filmmakers must know that it's frowned upon for the audience to openly masterbate in the cinema so what are they hoping to achieve? They've also given him some weird yellow contact lenses that are meant to show that he can talk to the fish or something. Or maybe they're like built in bio-goggles? To be honest I don't know what was going on with his eyes but they were way too sinister. He's kind of like a goat in that the evil in his eyes is way out of proportion with everything else on the rest of his head. Observations like this were also distracting me for the first twenty-minutes of the film and so might be the reason that I was never entirely sure what was going on with the story. Also I spent the entire opening act in confused self-reflection when some water splashed on Aquaman's stupidly handsome hobo face during a fight and I accidentally came in my pants.

That's a joke obviously. I'm far too single to start implying to girls that I might be gay as well as undesirable. But the point still stands. I didn't like Momoa's previous efforts with the role in 2017's Justice League because of his slightly cringy surfer-dude vibe. It was a bit too close to an adult's attempt at writing a cool character in the early 90's after they'd just watched one episode of Saved By The fucking Bell. He was like Point Break's Johnny Utah if he'd gone into The Fly's teleportation pod with Chewbacca from Star Wars and as they merged some light brain-damage appeared to occur within him. And so I was a little worried for this new movie. On top of that I think we all know at this point that the DC Extended Cinematic Universe isn't quite working as well as we'd all hoped it might. If Marvel's Cinematic Universe is the pinnacle of multi-franchise team-ups then DC's attempts have been like watching a three-legged dog attempt to do a shit up a lamppost. But let's not forget Wonder Woman! Batman V Superman may have felt as though we were being sprayed in the face by a high-pressure hose.. that was directly inserted up a bulls arse.. and as the farmer spoon-fed it laxatives for fun. However Diana Prince's solo movie was the silk towel that we needed to clean that up with before wiping the words “Martha, Martha, Martha” out of our ears. 

Aquaman therefore was a bit like watching Marvel's Thor but if you accidentally pissed yourself whilst doing it. Both are larger than life characters in a camp film in which an alpha-male must learn to control his hubris in order to rule a magical kingdom. Except that Aquaman is a lot wetter and a bit more of a mess. I'd read one review that pretty accurately claimed it to be like a cross between Flash Gordon and the under-water scenes from The Phantom Menace although that comparison promises a lot more Brian Blessed than you sadly get here. Not that you don't get your fair share of oddly dressed character actors of course. Willem Dafoe is sort of like the film's Obi-Wan except that with his tight clothes and tied-back bun he reminded me of a woman that I used to see on my local council estate pushing a bucket around in a pram like a fucking baby. There's also Amber Heard as some sort of Aqua-Princess and who sports a bright green costume to go with her distinctly red hair. She basically looks Poison Ivy from Batman but if somebody over watered her by mistake. She was actually really good in this too considering that the last thing that I saw her in was that weird short film in which Johny Depp smashed up a kitchen. And if I'm going to be completely honest, she wasn't the only good thing here as I slowly began to love every second of the movie as it went on.

Now I'm not going to say that Aquaman is a great film because there were some scenes that were like watching Power Rangers as you're being fucking waterboarded. And the film is at its absolute weakest when it goes for laughs and turns out to be about as funny as a fire at the puppy factory. There's also some CG that you could literally see dating in front of your own fucking eyes. However if cinema should do anything it's surely to show me things that I haven't ever seen before? And before this film I'd never seen exposition delivered by a man whilst he was sat on top of a hammerhead shark, I'd never seen an octopus play the drums, and I'd never seen Dolph Lundgren stab a mermaid to death with a fucking trident. The film takes its time to get going however once we get to all of the magical giant fish and underwater cities I was well and truly into it. By the last battle the film had become so ridiculous that my brain had abandoned the sinking ship of my own fucking head and I just wanted to jump up and clap with excitement. It was kind of like Brexit in that I had literally no idea about what was going on but I felt very passionate in how I felt about it. 

Of course the film would obviously be better if its lead actor was a little more self-aware to the silliness of what was going on. I mean it's rare for me to walk out of a big budget blockbuster and feel nostalgic for Brendan fucking Frasier. However you can definitely tell it was directed by James Wan who I happen to be quite the fan of. Not because the scarier scenes show his understanding of horror having created the Saw, Insidious, and The Conjuring franchises but like his Fast And Furious 7 I could never tell if the film was legitimately good.. or ironically so. Like that film though, it's only afterwards that you wish it had been a little more obviously tongue in cheek having been swept up in the ride at the time. Both films also ended with me getting a little bit teary eyed which was unexpected and it didn't even require the death of a major actor to do it this time. Instead the film is book-ended with a love story between two people that shouldn't have been able to find each other but did. With a man from the land meeting a woman from the sea, Aquaman would have been perfect if it'd taken it's Splash-like set-up and blended it with the ridiculousness of Big Trouble In Little China. And yet I was hoping to hate this film so that I could end this blog by claiming that the cast of Wan's Saw would have chopped their feet off a lot quicker if they were being forced to watch it. However, thanks to Wan's ability to mix heart with some stylish action I was more than happy with what we got regardless. So that's a pain in the dick, I suppose. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.