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Showing posts with label Action. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Action. Show all posts
28 July 2020
Help The Aged
27 April 2020
Some Very White-Knuckle Action
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20 May 2019
The Greatest Thing That Our Species Has Ever Created
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17 September 2018
How To Catch A Predator
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20 November 2016
Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part Two
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So
this film begins with the Harry Potter trio breaking into a bank,
because the movie came out during the recession and so fuck the
system!! They're helped into the building by one of its employees
who then proceeds to betray them and leave them trapped. Who'd have
thought that a banker couldn't be trusted?! Anyway, they escape the
bank with a horcrux and then destroy it. They then quickly find and
destroy a shit tonne more horcuxes in half the time that it took them
to fuck up that single one in the previous film. As much as I quite
enjoyed The Deathly Hallows Part 1, I
think this is proof that it had been affected by the curse known as
Cyniculous Cash-In-ious.
30 June 2014
Fight Your Guts Out
11 November 2013
Hammer Time
As you may have noticed we're all in a bit
of trouble at the minute with planet Earth having spunked most of its money up
the wall. Because of the deliciously titled ‘Credit Crunch’ a lot of people are
having huge difficulty finding work and for a long time I was grimly among
them. I can promise you that not being able to secure a job is one of the worst
experiences that I've ever had to endure and I say this as a person who has
also once had to have a catheter shoved up their knob. I applied for every job
that I could find without any prejudice as to how shit it might actually be. I
even applied to be a Supermarket Santa despite my CV lacking the obvious
requirement of me being a known paedophile. What was most annoying though was
that it seemed to me that the only way to get hired for anything was to be a
child of somebody who could offer a job. If you didn't start life being shot
out of the employers’ genitals then it felt like your application would go
instantly into a pile labelled, “Not A Bastards Chance”.
With all this in mind I have to admit that
for me the Thor franchise may
have the most relevant and brilliant message of any Marvel film so far. Odin is the King of Fantasy-Land with his
title one day being passed onto one of his two sons. The job is basically
Thor's but he's not sure if he wants it and although Loki is embarrassingly
desperate, he's pretty much been told to go fuck himself. I know this is a
world of robots, alien Gods and pasty-faced elves but if you look closely
you'll see that the biggest turd poking out of the arse-hole of trouble is
still nepotism. If the job of being King was passed on to the right candidate
and not simply the right son, Loki would never have had a titty fit about his ‘birthright’
and therefore never would have killed all those innocent people. If this had
been the case then neither Loki nor Thor would have gone to Earth and the
Avengers would never have been formed. So literally everything that now happens
in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will only be because some cunts only give jobs
to their bratty fucking kids!
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| Eyes like piss-holes in the snow. |
The latest entry in the series is Thor:
The Dark World which any intellectuals reading will deduce is a sequel to Thor
and a kind of a semi-sequel to what the UK rather shitely knows as Avengers
Assemble. This time around, Thor is out restoring peace to various worlds
by relentlessly, undiplomatically slaughtering any troublemakers whilst Loki
remains peacefully imprisoned back at home in a plastic twat-tank. At the same
time there's also a puddle of demonic black jizz hidden in the universe that an
evil albino elf is trying to locate so that he can more expertly express
himself through the art of being a massive angry shit. Oh and there's also a
million other little subplots pissing about throughout too such as Kat Dennings
befriending an intern with all the skill and grace of an autistic and Stellan
Skarsgard's multiple attempts at flashing his cock. I suppose the most
important distraction though is Natalie Portman's relationship with Thor.
Despite only spending a limited amount of time together in the first film, she
is still obsessively praying for him to return like a frumpy housewife that's
desperately waiting up for her boozehound husband.
So firstly I'm happy to confirm that the
film was really good. If you've enjoyed Marvel's output over the last few years
then I'm sure you'll like this too and if not then I sadly can't guarantee that
we'll be able to remain friends any longer. One thing that really pisses me off
about some films is the way in which they expect you to know shit before going
in. For me, a movie really needs to be a complete experience and shouldn't rely
on you having seen previous instalments, read the books, sat on the
merchandised dildo or done any other unnecessary fucking homework to enjoy it.
The genius of Marvel is that so far they've just about managed to walk that
dickish knife-edge of producing standalone films that still further an ongoing
story. If you've seen all of their previous films then this will of course be a
more rewarding experience for you but if you've not and this is your first then
you'll still survive being dropped in. Oh, and if this is your first Marvel
film and you've managed to avoid the hyped, well-received and financially
successful series, I guess the only thing I would ask is... What the fuck?
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| Thor 2: Probing The Dark World |
One of the many ways that Marvel Studios
have managed to remain so fresh is by generally avoiding making the same film
twice. They've done period action, sci-fi espionage, alien invasion,
camp-fantasy, and now err, well I guess a grittier-but-still-camp
sci-fi-fantasy? I'm hoping that by the time they get to a Black Widow spin-off,
they've run out of new genres and so for the sake of originality have to dabble
in hardcore pornography. The first Thor movie had a kind of Flash Gordon vibe
running through it however this sequel actually has a much muddier kind of earthy
thing going on. Something tells me that the sudden loss of pantomime is
probably thanks to the hiring of Game of Thrones director Alan Taylor
having lost the previous films slightly less subtle Gilderoy Lockhart. Taylor
both continues and expands the world that Branagh created with the results
being eye bleedingly good. It's also worth noting that the sci-fi element has really been ramped up
here too. People ride in weird flying lazer boats and elves are armed with both
swords and fuck-off rocket launchers. In fact I'd like to say that the whole
design of the film is possibly the most impressive thing about the entire
movie. I'd like to say that but due
to a balls up at the cinema, I was forced to see Thor: The Dark World in
3D and to put it mildly, it looked shite. Everything was slightly blurry as
though I was watching it through a filter of jizz and the whole thing was also
so fucking dark that I'd jump every-time I heard the booming voice of the always
amazing Idris Elba.
In terms of the film itself though, I guess
my only issue really would be with the underdevelopment of a couple of
characters. Like I mentioned, Natalie Portman does basically nothing other than
get into trouble, wait to be shagged and spout out exposition. If you’re not a
fan of bullshit science in which people run around with the phlange-o-meter
whilst shouting about the location of Smeg-gasm's then prepare to be annoyed
with this. The main baddie here is also pretty crap which is a shame because
he's played by Christopher Eccleston who’s usually really good. However all he
has to do is stomp about under layers of prosthetics and mumble in a made-up
language and so his character ends up with about as much personality as a stale, puddle of dog piss. Loki is obviously around to pick up the slack and seems as
he's become such a cult character over the years it does seem like a lot more
time has been spent crafting his significantly wittier dialogue. This isn't a
problem just yet but there's only so many times that he can be relied on before
fatigue sets in and a fresh ‘quim’ becomes essential.
The action in the film is as entertaining
as you'd hope and like Iron Man 3 it even manages to be funnier than
most of the actual comedies that get dribbled out from the lazy cock-end of
Hollywood. The final showdown here is also a great mixture of fighting and
humour as Thor gets more laughs from his hammer than British TV-tit Timmy Mallet
ever managed in his entire 'career'. The plot is a tiny bit on the crud side
with more holes than a specialist brothel for fans of conjoined twins and there
are at least a few moments in which shit happens simply because of a miraculous
coincidence. Thor's arc too is kind of similar to Superman's in Superman 2 in
which he must choose between his responsibilities and the love of his life.
Although considering that his girlfriend here is Natalie Portman, that really
isn't much of a choice. Along with a depressing amount of others, Portman is
very near the top of my long list of, 'women I'm in love with that wouldn't
piss on me if I was on fire'. Thor: The Dark World isn't the best film
of the year but it's still really good and unless you're inconvenienced by the
kindness of death then I’d strongly recommend going to see it. Just if you do
go then make sure you see it in 2D as it was originally filmed. I promise that
where cinema is concerned, films that are retro-fitted to 3D like this really
are the artistic equivalent of and as painful as having someone stamp on your
cock.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
9 September 2013
Space Is No Place For Women Or Gays!
Riddick wasn't
a bad film particularly, it's just that it seemed a bit lacking in the brain
department. As I mentioned, the first third is pretty much just him alone in
the desert and titting about with some crappy looking dog that he's found. The
problem with this bit though is that as an actor, Vin Diesel is about as
charismatic as a lightly-cooked turd on a stick and I say that as a huge fan of
Fast 5 and Furious 6. I loved those films because of how fucking
ridiculous they were and how obliviously serious he seems to take them. Here
however, there's no stunt too dumb to laugh at and if we're to compare the two
franchises then Riddick seriously suffers from its lack of The Rock...
although so do most films to be fair. Watching Vin pissing about on a lonely
planet for a while is made worse by how contrived the appearance of the mongo-looking
dog actually is. Not only does the creature look like it was created by a blind
animator with stumps for hands but it's blatantly only there to provide Riddick
with some motivation later on. Not only that but the dog also obviously exists
so that he has something to react to during these scenes when surely the
logical thing to do is to just fucking eat the thing. I know that everything in
a film tends to be there to progress the story of the main character but
usually it's done organically and in a way that feels at least a little more
subtle than a bite to the cock.
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| "This ain't nothing knew". |
When Diesel does open his mouth however he
randomly turns out to be a little bit rapey by aggressively threatening to shag
a lesbian in a fairly graphic way. This next bit probably counts as a spoiler
alert but really, that's only because it kind of spoils the film. As mentioned
there is only one main female here and interestingly she claims not to be into
guys. Usually this would be an opportunity to add depth to a character or at
least explore issues of sexuality and independence in a dystopian future.
Instead however the makers decide to go down a more homophobic path of simply
making her a prize to show how amazing Riddick actually is. By the end of the
film not only has his manliness managed to bag him a girl that would be
unobtainable to the rest of us but it's also implied that he's about to succeed
in fucking the gay out of her as well. What a guy! Personally I'm not a lesbian
but it does seem pretty offensive to treat homosexuality as a condition that
can be cured with just the smallest of pricks.
There is of course an alternative
possibility that the character is not really a lesbian and has just claimed it
to help stall any advances from her fellow horny crew members. Although to be
honest this would be crediting the franchise with more intelligence than it has
so far displayed in all of the three films. If this ruse is true then it might
go towards excusing the film from being homophobic but it's still a
sexist bag of wank. I think there are five female characters in total with one
being the probable lesbian who falls for the rapey Riddick and at least three
more being naked orgy members near the beginning. Obviously I'm not against sex
scenes in films but these three women literally only seem to show up to be
objectified by treating us to a cheeky bit of nipple and flashing their neatly
combed lady vadge's. The final woman is a prisoner of the bad guys who is raped
and killed within the space of about two minutes and again simply to provide
Riddick with some anger related motivation. This is made worse by the fact that
she and his dog exist for the same reason but with the shitty looking pixel-pooch
getting a significantly more memorable character arc. So according to this film
the ranking of importance is men at the top with space-dogs next and then
finally women at the bottom. If you see this film at the cinema and there's a
loud buzzing sound then please don't worry. It doesn't mean that the speakers
have broken it's just that the corpse of Emily Davison is somewhere spinning in
its grave at about four thousand rpm.
It's a shame about all this too because
before it crossed into this bizarre world of misogyny I was kind of enjoying
it. I mean yes, it's just a retread of Pitch Black and dragged out for
about thirty minutes longer, but it was okay I guess. There's some fun action
in it and enjoyably gloopy gore so I certainly wasn't too bored anyway. If I
were to guess, I would say that the main problem is that the whole thing just
feels like it's been made by a teenage boy whose in-between playing Xbox and
tossing off for the fourteenth time that hour. I think the design of Riddick
himself is kind of evidence of this as he's basically just some boring as fuck,
bald cunt with a green vest and some snazzy, swimming goggles. You can imagine
a kid in school drawing something as dumb as that and being as proud as tits
with his moronic creation. This apparently infantile outlook might also explain
the complete lack of understanding on gender equality and the very clichéd
characters and action. You know those annoying moments that pop up in all shit
action films from time to time? Well, expect them all here but only as a bit of
light relief from all the lady-bashing.
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| Nice tits... Shame about the existence of equal rights! |
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
15 October 2012
Raiders With A Martial Art
If watching violent films and playing
violent games could turn us into violent people then there's no doubt I'd have
killed someone by now. I already have a predisposition towards misanthropy and
so it really wouldn't take that much to push me over the edge. A few years back
I endured a particularly brutal breakup with someone in which they wouldn't
take the hint and piss the fuck off. After three hours of trying to convince
her to get out of my house I found myself defeated and exhausted. I sat on the
floor with my brain all argued out and tried in silence to think of something I
could say that would end this siege of emotional retardation.
Although she did eventually leave it wasn't
before I'd been turned into a lobotomised wreck. Dribbling, disorientated and
overwhelmed I was like a drunk Paris Hilton in a cum factory. I therefore did
the only thing that I could to regain my sanity and so switched on the Xbox.
Say what you like about Call of Duty: Black Ops but it's combat training
was a godsend. I set the bots to easy, found the smallest possible level and
then spent the next two hours repeatedly shooting the poor little bastards
pointblank in the face with a shotgun. It'd been a difficult night for me so
I'm glad nobody was around to witness my
maniacal laughter or raging boner.
My point is that rather than turning me
into a genuine psycho this virtual slaughter actually mellowed me out and
helped to relieve a fuck load of stress. Despite the bad press they get,
violent films work just the same for me by acting as an effective celluloid stress-ball.
If I accidentally catch just a glimpse of Piers Morgan's mutated ball-sack of a
face then I have to watch Natural Born Killers for six solid hours to
try and calm down... It's either that or I have to kill a budgie.
The most violent film I've seen both
recently and for the first time is the Indonesian action film The Raid. I'd
heard good things about it beforehand, but then I'd also heard good things
about anal sex and I can't say I enjoyed that particularly. The difference I
suppose was that I watched The Raid of my own free will whereas it
wasn't until mid-fuck I realised that I'd been duped into performing buggery.
Call me old fashioned but my general outlook is that a vagina is usually snug enough unless, of course,
your cock is quite small, or your girlfriend’s a slut.
The Raid starts
quietly with the main character Rama preparing for his next assignment. He's a
member of an Elite SWAT team, an excellent fighter and his wife is currently
expecting their first child. I guess Rama figures that as soon as his partner
gives birth, his life is basically over anyway and so why not go for a job in
which you're likely to die in a hail of bullets? The opening scene is the
closest we get to any real backstory and even that features Rama slapping a
punching bag as though he's just caught AIDs off the village tart.
If there's one thing that can be said about
The Raid, it’s that it's not complicated. In fact, the plot is probably
about as simple and single-minded as Ashton Kutcher in a coma dreaming about
eggcups. I mean that as a complement too by the way, as so many action films
are ruined by a convoluted story. For example, The Merovingian adds nothing to The
Matrix Reloaded except running time and annoying, pseudo-philosophical
drivel. If there's any one nation that I refuse to be lectured by about 'Cause
and Effect' then it's the fucking French (worse still by someone pretending to be French). The Raid on
the other hand is so lean that if it were an actor, it could easily play a
holocaust victim or perhaps a smack addict.
Rama gets called up for his assignment and
quickly finds himself in the back of a van with the rest of his team. Their
mission is to invade a scummy block of flats and then arrest the gang leader
who lives there. Unfortunately for them, the majority of people who inhabit it
are also criminals using the security of the building to lie low. I hate to
draw comparisons to this tower and the unemployed yobs who live there, to a
block of flats in the poorer parts of Liverpool, so I won't. Not because I
don't believe it but because Scousers can be fucking touchy when they want to
be.
Despite this being a crack team of well-trained
law enforcers, they manage to fuck things up within seconds of entering the
building. They're spotted by a young child who manages to sound the alarm and
warn everyone inside that they're on the prowl. I hate to criticise the
Indonesian Police but what the fuck was their delay. They had a clear two
seconds to shoot that lookout kid in the fucking head and yet they hesitated. I
know he hadn't done anything to warrant his death when they had the opportunity,
but since when would that stop our police? Until I live in a fascist society
were innocent people can be shot to death by the law and with no real
consequences, then I just won't be able to feel safe.
The building is instantly put into lockdown
with the residents ordered to kill Rama and his colleagues in exchange for some
free rent. What follows is ninety minutes of hardcore action and survival
horror that makes your average snuff movie look like the latest Pixar film. To
describe the violence in The Raid as extreme would be an understatement.
It features people getting shot in the face, stabbed in the throat and the most
horrific gaping axe wound since Pamela Anderson hit that red record button,
spread her legs and showed us what she had for breakfast.
If the plot of this film sounds in any way
familiar then I'd assume that's because you're one of the twelve people to have
seen the recent and excellent Dredd. Comparisons between the two films
have been widely made with their similarity in fact being used as criticism
against Dredd. However having now seen both films, I really don't see
what the problem is. Sure they share the same set up but that's about it. It's
kind of like the start of Casino Royale when Bond is chasing the black
guy who’s bouncing around a construction site like an evil Tigger with a bomb.
They come to a dead end in which the black guy leaps athletically through a
small window only for Bond to plough straight through it like a proper defiant
bastard. With this analogy, The Raid is Tigger the bomber and Dredd
is Bond. They both face the same hurdles but where one solves it with a
dignified display of lethal ballet, the other just smashes things up like an
angry cunt with a wasp up his arse.
I don't want to have to choose between Dredd
and The Raid because I loved them both. However after watching the
latter I kind of realised I never need to see another action film ever again.
Everything about The Raid is pretty much perfect with the stunts being
exciting, imaginative and relentlessly bone-crunching. Most films break up
their action with scenes of exposition or ‘backstory’ but The Raid can't
be fucked with something as pathetic as dialogue. It therefore breaks up its
action with different forms of violence. They start off shooting at each other,
then move onto knife fights and then conclude with some phenomenal kung-fu
shiz. I'm not exaggerating when I say the martial arts here really does makes
the incredible fighting in The Matrix look like two thalidomide's trying
to happy-slap each other in a desperate attempt to somehow climax.
I'm in no way a sporty person but the level
of dedication on display with The Raid’s
stunts is genuinely shocking. At times the fighting gets so extreme you can't
help but wonder if anybody genuinely got hurt. I'm not saying that action films
are improved by the possibility of real danger but it would certainly make some
movies more entertaining. In fact if someone actually kicked Chris Tucker in
the throat then Rush Hour would be at risk of becoming almost watchable.
Bizarrely, and despite The Raid being
an Indonesian kung-fu film, it is in fact written and directed by some Welsh
bloke called Gareth Evans. Before seeing this movie, I'd always thought of the
Welsh as an English secret and considered them our sort-of-simple cousins. They
were basically only known for living in the hills and riding sheep in a way
that can only be safe with the use of a condom. Having now seen The Raid, my
opinion hasn't changed but Gareth Evans is clearly a talented man. For the full
running time, his camera never stops moving, whizzing about like an bonus character
on crack. The ‘kineticism’ really is up their with Sam Raimi and Edgar Wright
and really does go to show that it's not the budget that dictates excitement,
but the level of talent in control. If Michael Bay was even half as talented as
Evans then he'd realise how shite Transformers: Dark of the Moon was and
cry himself to death in a puddle of piss and shame. If we, as a species,
realised how much more money was involved with that ball-poppingly dull
threequel was, we'd hopefully do the same.
If I have one criticism of The Raid, it
would be regarding a minor plot development in which two characters turn out to
be brothers. Despite this adding a little extra tension and character
development it also comes across as a little bit of a coincidence. Although in its
defence, that is only a minor point and is in no way as contrived as Star
Wars: The Phantom Menace. I'd always wondered who built C3-PO and so thank
God it turned out to be a young Darth Vader. Without that random and
unnecessary development, the saga wouldn't have held together as well and Episode
one would probably be considered to be proper shite.
In the end, The Raid probably won't
be everybody’s cup of tea, but that's only because some people are pussies. Yes,
it's violent, but it's really not as offensive as something like the morally
bankrupt Sex and the City 2. After watching The Raid all I wanted
to do was tell people how brilliant it was. After Sex and the Shitty I
just wanted to self-harm for a few hours until the memories went away. I guess
what I'm saying is that violent films really don't make the people watching
them violent. After enduring the self-indulgent escapades of Miranda,
Charlotte, Samantha and Seabiscuit, they might even help to calm us down. Sure
laughing at the sight of seeing someone knifed in the throat might seem
anti-social but fuck it- I can assure you it was through the sheer giddy of The
Raids brilliance and not because I think being stabbed is a source of humour.
Not unless Piers Morgan's after any tips for a stand up routine, anyway.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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