28 February 2016

Blandest Film Of The Year So Far?

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It is a truth universally acknowledged that today's youth are total fucking idiots. Or at least some of them are. Well, one to be specific.. I've recently become friends with a chap in his late teens that's sadly been raised on a diet of religion and the mainstream media to the point that he's become what Toy Story's Mr Potato Head might refer to as an “uncultured swine”. In the wake of Bowie's tragic demise I decided to play Under Pressure to my friend in an attempt to educate him on what the world had just lost. “Who's this song by?” he asked, “Is it Jedward?” ...I mean, 'is it fucking Jedward'? Bowie's body wasn't even cold and I could hear him spinning in his fucking grave. However at a mere twenty-seven years old, I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't a few things that had fallen between the cracks for me too. As a result, Pride And Prejudice And Zombies is literally my first ever exposure to the works of Jane Austen. Is that bad? It's bad, isn't it?! Well, blame my parent I suppose! Blame my school, and fuck it.. blame me too if you like. Although it's worth noting that my young friend also thought that a double cheeseburger was called a 'double cheeseburger' because it contained double fucking cheese. So you know.. let's keep things in perspective!

21 February 2016

Is Deadpool As Subversive As It Seems?

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Like my chunky bitch of an ex-girlfriend, Deadpool wants to have its cake and eat it. So in the case of the film, this means that you're meant to think that it's anarchic and subversive despite it being made by the studio that it's pretending to rebel against. As a result with Deadpool, you do get plenty of swearing and some friendly digs at the X-Men franchise, but you never get anything that's devastatingly deconstructive of the genre due to who's holding the money. It's like a whore that advertises themselves as the dirty little bitch that'll do anything whilst still having to check with their pimp before agreeing to wank off a donkey. Particularly if donkey wanking might cause problems for any future business or cross-franchise pollination. For example, people think that the Bond films became gritty because they attempted to catch up to the real world relevance of Jason Bourne. However I think it's actually because that franchise was well and truly destroyed by Austin Powers, who sent up the 007 formula so effectively that Bond, like all of his dead girlfriends, became absolutely fucked. Was Deadpool good fun? Yes. But do you really think that the superhero genre is now going to struggle to continue in its current format? Of course not! This is slightly more complicated than my ex who would more simply just like to have had some of her cake left after having already shoved the whole thing into her fat stupid face. Bitch.

14 February 2016

Is This A Hollow Victory?

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13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi has to be one of the worst fucking titles ever. I mean, what does it even refer to?! '13 Hours' sounds to me like it's the first instalment of a shitty new Young Adult franchise. Or does '13 Hours' simply refer to the running time of the movie, because that's how long it fucking felt like. In fact, here's a better title for this movie- how about 'Another American Balls Up'? Based on a true story, the film is about an American security team that find themselves lost up Shit Creek after a U.S Ambassador is killed by a mob in his Libyan-based compound. Considering this is a touchy subject that's constantly being used as a political football, I'm sure you can imagine the calibre of director that would be required to tell the story. Could it be Paul Greengrass, Kathryn Bigelow, Oliver Stone, Clint Eastwood, or maybe even Ben Affleck? No. Fuck them. Let's get Michael Bay to do it. It's not like his films are always total shit... just look at Pearl Harbour! That film clearly understood the nuance's of history, hence Roger Ebert's classic review of it being about how “the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle”.

7 February 2016

De Niro And The Meaning Of Life

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Do you believe in the power of karma? If so then you're a fucking idiot. I hate to be the bearer of obvious news, but there's no fairness to our existence. Do you want to know the ingredients of life? Simply take one giant God-free bowl of chaos and chance, make sure to throw in plenty of randomness, and then mix it all together with as much bullshit as you can get your hands on. The only way that you could possibly fall for the notion of karma would be if you failed to notice that every single person experiences nothing beyond a relentless cycle of ups and down. Hitler might have been a bad person but even he was lucky enough to get a girlfriend. Although of all the honeymoons I've heard of, I can't say I'm too jealous of them nipping outside the bunker to shoot each other in the fucking head. But you know, fuck it.. I haven't got a girlfriend, and beyond enjoying the occasional Mel Gibson movie, I've not done anything even remotely as bad as the holocaust. This all brings me nice and neatly to the subject of Robert De Niro.