29 September 2014

Retro Slashing

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There was this one time that I was alone in the house when suddenly somebody burst through the front door and ran straight up the stairs. As it turned out, they desperately needed the bathroom and didn't feel the need to shut the door behind themselves. I was therefore treated to the sounds of a stranger shitting their guts out. I heard every fart, every splash and every groan. There wasn't a single element of their arse flappage that I didn't experience with crystal-clear clarity! The problem was that I was in the room directly opposite the bathroom and so, although they wouldn't have seen me on their trip in, they'd be looking right at me on their way out. The only thing worse than having a stranger run into your house and start shitting up the walls is the social awkwardness afterwards and so I started to panic. I decided to try and shut myself in so that I'd be hidden from view, however, because my door is annoyingly creaky, I had to time my actions to the sound of their... noises. Do you ever have those moments where you look at your own life and wonder “what the fuck has gone wrong?” Hiding from a stranger as they filled the house with the stench of their own anus was certainly one for me.

22 September 2014

Busting My Ghostly Cherry

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Personally, I don't believe in the supernatural because I'm both a grown up and not a complete fucking idiot. I'd hate to offend people by saying that everybody who claims to have seen a ghost is stupid as that's clearly not true... some of them are obviously just full of shit. When I was a teenager, I claimed that I was visited by ghosts every night, however that wasn't so much true as it was me desperately trying to explain away the ectoplasm that was splattered around my room. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I like the idea of being able to return to this world once I've snuffed it. On the one hand it'd be nice to believe that there was something more than this miserable life, but then on the other I'm not too keen on the idea of being watched in the shower by an invisible gang of dead perverts. Presumably, being a ghost is just like having invisibility as a superpower so, if there was any truth to this bollocks, then there'd be a shit load more hauntings in female changing rooms than seem to go reported. In fact, I like to imagine that Angelina Jolie wouldn't be an actress anymore either as she'd be too busy being possessed by beings that insist she spend the bulk of her day frigging herself off in front of a mirror... I think the key words in that last sentence were “I like to imagine”.

15 September 2014

Getting Carried Away

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When I was younger, one of my best friends lived next to an empty house which we'd all been told was haunted. Out of everybody who knew about it though, only one boy claimed to have seen the ghost and even then, we knew he was full of crap. He was younger than us and clearly his brain hadn't quite found that sweet spot of being imaginative and yet still believable, because his description of what he'd seen was complete fucking bollocks. He said the ghost was of a giant that was also a witch and that it had sharp teeth and it could fly and it had claws and it had four arms and nine legs and blah, blah, fucking blah. Basically, he used the word “and” so much that it was obvious he'd gotten carried away on the enthusiasm of his own bullshit. Have you read the description of the Devil in the Bible? It's basically the same deal! When I was a kid, we got the good book given to us for free and so naturally the section on the anti-Christ was the only bit I bothered with. Anyway, he sounded equally as stupid with the same mix of imagination and lack of believability. The Devil has twelve horns and fire in his eyes and three tails and balls the size of the moon and a tongue like a Whales dick and YES- I GET THE POINT. HE'S A FUCKING MONSTER!  Anyway, so to summarise, I guess that's probably what I thought about The Place Beyond The Pines...

8 September 2014

Defending Yourself From Nutters

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I was talking to a friend a little while ago about horror films and we seemed to have a differing opinion on what frightened us the most. He was afraid of ghosts because he wouldn't know how to defend himself from one whereas I'm afraid of intruders because I'm a grown up and so I know which of the two really exist. I keep a baseball bat next to my bed and believe me I have no intention of using it to play fucking sports with. It's there for one simple reason and that is to defend myself from some knobhead who might break into my room and attempt to steal my possessions or touch my winkle or whatever. Nor by the way will I be using it to try and cripple the bastard by slamming it into their legs. If I find that somebody has broken in then I'm not taking any risks and so will be going exclusively for the head and bollocks. Not to sound paranoid but I essentially sleep next to a piece of wood that I'm fully prepared to kill somebody with. I'm sure the reality would be that I'd freeze with fear and just piss myself but, you know... A boy can dream.

1 September 2014

In Darkness I Listen

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Sin City was the first 18 certificate film that I managed to sneak in to the cinema to see and it blew my sixteen year old head clean off. I thought everything about it was fucking amazing. It probably helped that I'd already been converted from the trailer alone, but still. I don't know if you remember it but I'd say that it is possibly my favourite trailer of all time. Have you not got a favourite trailer? Ha- get a life! I bet you've not even spent time writing up a list of your top 100 films of all time have you? Well, fuck it because I have and Sin City is sitting very comfortably in my top ten ever. In case it's not obvious, I am of course fucking single. Anyway, so before I'd even seen the film, I went out and bought the graphic novels which were also great because not only were they cool and violent but they also had pictures of tits in them. What more could a teenage boy want! Pretty much as soon as the first film was released, they promised us a sequel and I couldn't wait for it... but I had to. Nine long fucking years it's been since Sin City and only now are we getting the follow up film.  So much as changed... I've gone from being a cynical world hating teenager to being a cynical world hating twenty-something. Anyway, it's here now- let’s hope it was worth the fucking wait.