Getting The Dragon Horn

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How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World is the third and allegedly last film in the franchise and so obviously concludes with all of the dragons being rounded up and shot in the head with a fucking bolt gun. I mean.. it obviously doesn't, but hopefully any parents reading would have stopped at that point and decided not to take their idiot child to see it. If it's the final film in the trilogy then I don't need this movie to make money to ensure a sequel and I don't like seeing children in the cinema. Or anywhere for that matter. If they're not annoying me themselves then the way in which they're being badly parented by their troglodyte prick parents will no doubt be pissing me off instead. In the case of this cinema outing, it was about ten minutes into the movie when some fucking idiot turned up with about thirty kids and proceeded to shine her phone into my eyes as she mentally wrestled with the concept of seat numbers. So maybe this film is a complete masterpiece and I missed it because you very specifically have to have watched the bit at the start in which my retinas were being burnt off to fully get it. However, the message of the movie is that if you love something then you should let it go. So if you love your child and you're thinking of taking them to see this film then maybe you could just have the fucker adopted and then stay at home yourself instead?

Live And Let Live

In many ways I regret getting my dog because I've grown annoyingly fond of her and I know that one day the bitch will break my heart and die. For years I refused to watch animal documentaries because I didn't like the idea of seeing a shark rip open a seal or a crocodile pulling the head off a zebra. People say I should man up because it's just part of life, but fuck them! When I was younger I lived in the kind of area where a young girl would drop her pants in the park and then casually do a shit under the slide. Just because something's part of life it doesn't mean I need to watch Richard Attenborough narrate it on a Sunday night. Around the time she was doing her public dump, there seemed to be a weird sub-genre of animal abuse movies that masqueraded as kids films that I didn't like either. They all had the exact same plot in which a child would befriend an animal that would be taken away and tormented by the adults before being rescued by the kid at the end. Free Willy is probably a good example of this with the film-makers cleverly realising that the simplest way of creating drama in a film for children is by finding a cute, innocent creature and then fucking it up. Like those shit movies from my youth, my dog too has found herself in trouble when I've needed to protect her. Another dog attacked her once and so I had to kick it in the face... Job’s a good’n. Let's move on.