I'd Really Love To Be Alone Without All The Ache And Pain

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The Lighthouse tells the story of two Lighthouse keepers being trapped together on their small island in the late 19th Century. It stars Willem Dafoe as the old hand and Robert Pattinson as the new boy there to be told what to do. It's also batshit fucking insane. In an interview, Willem Dafoe said that the film is about what happens when two men are stuck together in a giant cock-shaped building and allowed to go mad. So to say that it's a look at what happens when masculinity is allowed to fester would be an understatement. But imagine The Shining if there are fewer rooms to hide in and both people are Jack Nicholson and you're not too far off what this film is like. I fully understand the situation too by the way. My mate and I had to wait in the house for a delivery from the post-man once and the insanity and boredom had started to get to us straight away. “How long do you think we'd have to be locked in a room with each other before we went mad and started fucking?” I asked my friend. “Hmm”, he pondered, “I'd say at least a couple of days”. A couple of days? I was thinking more about how many years?! We were two men voluntarily sitting in a building that has television and wi-fi and yet my friend was still only one day away from offering up his arse-hole for fucking rations.

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Aquaman Made Me Wet

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The actor Jason Momoa is so good looking that he could be the the star of one of those pretentious men's fragrance adverts, and yet at the same time he also manages to look like an actual tramp. I can genuinely picture him eating a cat out of a fucking bin, but I also imagine that he'd smell fucking incredible whilst doing it. In his new film Aquaman we're introduced to him as he rescues a submarine from a band of pirates whilst topless. But why is he topless? The filmmakers must know that it's frowned upon for the audience to openly masterbate in the cinema so what are they hoping to achieve? They've also given him some weird yellow contact lenses that are meant to show that he can talk to the fish or something. Or maybe they're like built in bio-goggles? To be honest I don't know what was going on with his eyes but they were way too sinister. He's kind of like a goat in that the evil in his eyes is way out of proportion with everything else on the rest of his head. Observations like this were also distracting me for the first twenty-minutes of the film and so might be the reason that I was never entirely sure what was going on with the story. Also I spent the entire opening act in confused self-reflection when some water splashed on Aquaman's stupidly handsome hobo face during a fight and I accidentally came in my pants.