Making Rambo Crap Again

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In First Blood, Sylvester Stallone gave us one of cinema’s most relatable characters with John Rambo. He was an aimless man who decided that he was feeling a bit peckish. When denied a sandwich by a town’s local authorities, he understandably went berserk and fucking battered them all. If I'm in work and lunch is delayed by as much as five minutes then I start to think about dousing the place in petrol and burning it to the fucking ground. Obviously I didn't fight in Vietnam the way Rambo did although I did once engage in some pretty heavy haggling in a Turkish market. I guess it's probably not the same thing though. He came back with PTSD whereas all I managed to bag was a pretty nifty fez. And look, I know it's easy to make fun of how Stallone might talk but we really shouldn't joke about it. Stallone's mumbling is a result of an actual accident in which he was pulled into this world during his birth with so much force that he was left permanently damaged. This is understandable too when you remember that his mother is Jackie Stallone. If my first experience of life involved a journey through her vagina then I reckon I'd probably end up being yanked out by the fucking face too. But First Blood ends with his broken ex-Green Beret in tears and screaming about the horrors that he endured as a result of that war and it's genuinely heartbreaking. Well.. I assume that's what he was getting upset about, anyway. Obviously I couldn't understand a fucking word of it. 

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Taking The Rocky Path

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I saw a thing on Twitter the other day in which somebody asked, “What is the best bad movie that you love?” to which somebody else answered with Rocky 4, and I thought 'well, fuck the rest as that is the actual answer'. Rocky 4 is a piece of shit movie in which the franchise started snorting pure uncut 80's culture to the point that it lost its grip on reality. There are some poignant moments in it such as the death of Apollo Creed, which obviously plays into the new movie Creed 2. The rest of us however, can only really remember it for its montages. There's a montage of Stallone running up a mountain, carrying logs, and pulling sledges. At one point there's even a montage of all the other fucking montages from the previous movies. In all cases, he strains his face to resemble a kicked-in ballsack with a pair of mismatched googly-eyes stuck on it. Let's not forget the bit either in which the film pretty much stops to show us a ten minute James Brown concert for no reason whatsoever. Oh, and there's a robot butler in that one too because there was presumably too much cocaine knocking about when the script was being written. Rocky 4 is a crap movie but I'll be fucked if I don't admit that it's fun to watch.

A Rocky Legacy?

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When I was finishing school, my Dad suggested to me that I consider his line of work as a possible career path. Obviously I ruled this out on the grounds that it's not the fucking Victorian times and I'd rather hang myself than do something as cliched as follow in my father's footsteps. Little did I know that, after nepotism, the only way to get a decent job would be to find the CEO of a company and suck them off in an alley. Creed is the seventh film in the Rocky series, one which has decided to spin off and focus on the young son of the franchise's Hulked up Lando Calrissian, Apollo Creed. Little Creed is determined to do his own thing despite who his father was and he admirably wants to make a name for himself on his own merits. Bearing in mind my own stubbornness on the subject and subsequent lack of success, hope, and happiness, I see him and I as being kindred spirits. So to make it on his own he decides to become a part of his fathers profession, forces his father's ex-world-champion friend to train him, and then takes on his first big match simply as a result of who his father was. Oh, right... good job with the whole 'making it on your own' thing. Prick.