24 February 2020

Runnin' With The Blue Devil

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I was on my way home from a friends house one night when I spotted a hedgehog just chilling in the middle of the road like an absolute dickhead. I decided to move him because I was already quite close to my house and I knew that if I left him and then found him dead the next day I'd feel way too guilty about having not done something. Oh, don't worry, I'm aware that I'm a fucking angel. As I approached the little guy I could see that he was stood on top of something.. and I could hear this weird noise that sounded a lot like something being repeatedly crunched coming from it. I picked him up and as I did I discovered something horrific. I wasn't rescuing any old hedgehog, I was rescuing the Jeffery fucking Dahmer of hedgehogs. When I picked him up it turned out that the thing he was stood on was actually another dead hedgehog and the crunching was the sound of him fucking eating it. Not only that but he was enjoying his meal so fucking much that he refused to let it go. When I lifted him the other partly-eaten hedgehog came up with him and was dangling by its intestines from his fucking mouth. I didn't know what to do so I panicked and ran with him. I decided to put him in my garden so that he wouldn't go back to the road but as I did a car drove past and saw me. I can't imagine what they must have thought as they saw me legging it down the road with a blooded hedgehog in my hand and another dangling by its guts from his fucking mouth. But I imagine they felt as disgusted and upset as the internet did when they first laid eyes on the original design of the title character in the Sonic The fucking Hedgehog movie.

17 February 2020

A Life Changing Hit From A Bong

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If you can watch the film Okja and still eat meat by the time the credits roll then as far as I'm concerned you're a fucking sociopath. I'd been considering vegetarianism for some time before seeing this movie but I'd been somewhat put off by the fact that I didn't like eating things that weren't meat and I fucking loved eating the things that were. If I were to order a pizza then when asked what toppings I'd like for it I'd ask for so much meat that it was almost easier for me to just sing “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” down the fucking phone. Of course, I felt guilty about it. To quote this film, “I'm an animal lover. Everybody knows that about me!” But my God they taste so good, don't they? It helps that we often give the food different names too I think. I'm not eating a cute little piggy but a delicious cooked sausage that I can imagine somebody must have plucked harmlessly from the sausage tree. I was going to say I'd like to imagine myself eating from the sausage bush but that just sounds as though I like a man with a lot of pubes and I'm desperate to suck his cock. Of course, I knew that sausages came from pigs but even the adverts on television made the animals look happy for me to eat them. Beef adverts make it seem as though the meat is a gift from the cows and I'd be hurting their poor little moo-moo feelings if I chose not to accept it. Look, I love giving gifts as much as the next person but if it involves me being shot in the head, hung from meat hooks, splayed open, and then shoved into a fucking burning hot oven then I might just get you a fucking gift voucher instead if you don't fucking mind. 

11 February 2020

I'd Really Love To Be Alone Without All The Ache And Pain

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The Lighthouse tells the story of two Lighthouse keepers being trapped together on their small island in the late 19th Century. It stars Willem Dafoe as the old hand and Robert Pattinson as the new boy there to be told what to do. It's also batshit fucking insane. In an interview, Willem Dafoe said that the film is about what happens when two men are stuck together in a giant cock-shaped building and allowed to go mad. So to say that it's a look at what happens when masculinity is allowed to fester would be an understatement. But imagine The Shining if there are fewer rooms to hide in and both people are Jack Nicholson and you're not too far off what this film is like. I fully understand the situation too by the way. My mate and I had to wait in the house for a delivery from the post-man once and the insanity and boredom had started to get to us straight away. “How long do you think we'd have to be locked in a room with each other before we went mad and started fucking?” I asked my friend. “Hmm”, he pondered, “I'd say at least a couple of days”. A couple of days? I was thinking more about how many years?! We were two men voluntarily sitting in a building that has television and wi-fi and yet my friend was still only one day away from offering up his arse-hole for fucking rations.

3 February 2020

We're All Horrible But At Least I Know It Now

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Hello neighbour, I'm glad we're online neighbours you and I. You come knocking at my little blog's door and I'll always let you in so that you can read some of my most recent and special thoughts. Of course, if this was real life I'd spit in your face and tell you to fuck off you piece of shit. I hate you. You're a cunt. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I realise having seen Tom Hanks' latest film A Beautiful Day In The Neighbourhood that I'm probably not a good one either. The film tells the real-life story of a journalist who was tasked with interviewing the children's TV host Mr Rogers. Over here in the UK, I don't think we're too aware of Mr Rogers, but by all accounts the Americans fucking love him. I was trying to think about who our equivalent might be and I really struggled. He's a TV presenter that has a special relationship with his younger audience and who is admired for all of the positivity that he's brought into the world. Who is our version of that? Because right now I'm thinking Jimmy Savile. In the film, the journalist is asked to write a puff-piece on Mr Rogers that might explain why he's considered such a hero. I guess it'd be trickier to write that about Savile now that he's turned out to be one of the most notorious fucking child molesters of all time. Mr Rogers was apparently a genuinely lovely human whereas I once read an interview in which Savile retrospectively seemed to imply that he'd spent a week fucking the corpse of his dead Mum as she lay decomposing in his flat.