29 January 2017

The First Good Video Game Movie?

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Like googling the phrase 'two girls one cup', invading Poland, or visiting Toxteth, it seems that adapting a video game into a movie is one of the worst things that you could ever possibly do. Over the years we've been hit by a tsunami of shit after people have tried and failed to successfully transition one medium to the other and yet film-makers still persist in trying. This is despite almost every case attempted so far ending its life as a Tomb Raider or Super Mario Bros. shaped turd bobbing its way towards cinemas like a bloated corpse in a sea of piss. Assassin's Creed is the latest series to attempt the jump from games to movies, however if the reviews are anything to go by, it would appear that the success of this leap of faith has been equal to watching a drunk bloke attempt a 60ft bungee into a post-curry cesspool whilst using only his dick for a rope.

22 January 2017

Ready For La La Love?!

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Musicals are a strange old thing. Especially the ones in which crowds spring into a huge song and dance routines en mass and then go back to their normal activities as though nothing had ever happened. It's sort of as though every musical like that belongs to a George A Romero-like apocalyptic sub-genre in which humanity has been infected with some sort of singing tourettes. If the afflicted in 28 Days Later were bitten by a rage infected monkey then I can only assume the occupants of a musical were bitten by whatever this genre's equivalent is. I don't know what that would be but I'm thinking.. probably.. Bonnie Tyler. As such, I can see why some people wouldn't like musicals. It is strange to see people express their inner thoughts and deepest emotions with what looks like a completely improvised song and dance that everybody knows the lyrics and choreography too. Although fuck it- I'm English, so I'm shocked whenever people simply express their deepest emotions regardless of how they do it.

16 January 2017

An Emotional Kick

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Other than the global economy, the destruction of the environment, and our complete inhumanity towards the poor and needy, I suppose the most annoying thing about the world are those pricks that talk at the cinema. My problem with this is that I refuse to leave the screening to get a staff member because I don't want to miss any of the film and I can't shush them because I'm too busy holding in a fireball of rage. As a result, I worry that if I go over and ask them to be quiet I'll accidentally lose my shit and just throw battery acid in their face and then piss on their burning body. I suppose I should just stop carrying battery acid around really. However when I went to see A Monster Calls, some dickhead Mum had brought her melon-headed gizoid of a child and the little turd-monger just wouldn't shut the fuck up throughout the movie. I tried to hush the noisy little nipper with a polite word but in doing so I accidentally uncorked my own bottle of rage and before I knew what was going on I'd accidentally threatened the tiny mite with physical violence. Anyway, I felt a surge of adrenalin, he shut the fuck up, and I was able to get on with enjoying the film. The moral of the story? Sometimes it's okay to scare children.

8 January 2017

An Infernal Waste Of Time

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The cinema I go to is near the sea and so when the wind picks up, it really fucking picks up. The other day I went to see a showing of the new Ron Howard film Inferno and, as the wind got stronger, it managed to find its way into the screen through a vent which could be heard throughout the entire movie as a high-pitched whistling. Or at least I think that's what that noise was?! Because in all honesty from about five minutes in I can't be sure that the sound wasn't actually the dying screams of my brain as the film spent two full hours mercilessly smothering it with a mouldy pillow of dumbness. Apparently this film is the third in the Dan Brown trilogy following on from The Da Vinci Code and Angels And Demons, which I'll admit I haven't actually seen. However from what I hear, Dan Brown is both Brown in name and brown in quality with his series being as shit as Tom Hanks's Da Vinci Code mullet. If that's true then I guess I'm here to report that Inferno hasn't broken that run of bollocks. Imagine the already crap Mission:Impossible 2 if they replaced Ethan Hunt with the boring version of Marcus Brody from Raiders Of The Lost Ark and you're not a million miles away from what this film is. But it's shitter than that... Somehow...