A Couple Of Guys Who Were Up To No Good

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I was talking to a friend in work the other day about the new film Gemini Man when they asked me, “if you had a clone would...”, to which I replied “fuck him? I don't think I'd leave the house we'd be fucking so often”. I'm not gay but if you're having sex with your actual self then I presume that technically just counts as a more advanced form of masturbation, right? “I'd have to hope that the other me is more prepared to be the taker though”, I added. “Well.. he'd be as willing to be the taker as you are considering that you're the same person”, my friend said. This was true and so I played the whole thing out in my head. My clone and I would definitely be okay with tugging each other off to start with and I think that once we'd broken that boundary we'd probably move on to blow-jobs. I honestly can't say that I ever want a dick in my mouth but if it's basically my dick and my clone is willing to do the same to me then I guess it works out? Once we've gone this far though I suspect we'd be at the point of no return and within the week we'd just be bumming each other none stop to the point of starvation. 

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A Disappointing Shaft?

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So I watched a Shaft film for the first time ever the other night. As in, the blaxploitation franchise, obviously. That's not just what I call pornos. If that was the case then I'd have to say that I'd spent my teenage years attempting to find the limit of how many shaft films that a single brain could take. I suppose that I should clarify further too that I didn't actually watch Shaft, the 1971 film featuring Richard Roundtree as Shaft, or even Shaft the 2000 film featuring Samuel L Jackson as Shaft. But rather I watched Shaft the 2019 film with Richard Roundtree, Samuel L Jackson and some young dweeb called Jessie Usher as Shaft, Shaft, and just one more Shaft. Essentially this film works on the same principle of a gangbang in that it assumes that the more Shafts there are, the more fun things will be. Roundtree is the oldest Shaft and father to Jackson's Shaft II, who in turn is the father of Usher's Shaft Jr. I also guess that the characters of Shaft are about as imaginative at naming their children as the filmmakers are with this franchise. There are only five Shaft films with three of them being called Shaft. Where's the fun in that? Has anybody even told them that the shaft is also what we call the bit of a dick that isn't the tip? It'd be ironic if not because I spent this movie hating these characters so much that where I was supposed to see three Shafts I could only really see three bellends.

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So Danny And I Made A Film Together

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When Danny Boyle and I were making his latest film Yesterday, I mentioned to him that he was my favourite director of all time. Huh, what? Oh, I hadn't told you that Danny and I made this film together? Oh right, okay, err in which case I spent a day on set with the D-Meister as he directed me in his latest film. That's pretty cool, right? What a brag. Not only has Danny Boyle also directed Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Fassbender, and Ewan McGregor but now he can tell people that he's also worked with me. Admittedly I was an extra and his direction was, "instead of standing right here by me, why don't you go and stand over there instead", but it counts. Anyway, so when I was chatting to him at his hotel afterwards after I'd waited four hours for him to leave the set, chased him to his car, and forced a taxi-driver at gunpoint to follow where he went, I told him that he was my favourite director of all time. He said "thanks", as though he hears it all the time and as though I was only saying it to kiss his arse because he was right there. But in my case, he really is my favourite director. Trainspotting is my all-time favourite film, I swear that 28 Days Later reinvented the horror genre, and I will fight to the fucking death with anybody that is dismissive of The Beach. But the bit in that film in which DiCaprio hallucinates that he's in a computer game is a bit shit? What the fuck did you just say? Right, you, me, tooled up, by the bins, right fucking now!

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So We Should Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb?

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After seeing a few trailers, and being a fan of the director's previous work, I remember going fucking nuts for the new Godzilla film in 2014. If I was to compare being a movie fan to being on drugs then it was like being one of those nutters on bath-salts as I manically gobbled up every new trailer like it was the face of an innocent fucking tramp. On its release I therefore remember my initial impression of the film being that it was a little bit like the first time that I'd ever managed to get off with someone. Not because it was a mess and over far sooner than I'd expected but rather because despite having enjoyed the experience, I had probably gone in with my expectations a little too high. My life hadn't been changed the way I'd been led to believe that it would have been, but there are worse ways to kill time. I imagine I also made that comparison as a way of subtly reminding people that I have had my end away in the past and should like to be considered for any events of that nature in the future. Please. Watching Godzilla is still like having sex for me, but mostly because it's rare that I manage to get it on and even when I do, it probably means that I'm bored and having a quiet night to myself. However, nothing could quite have prepared me for sequel 'Godzilla: King Of The Monsters', which I saw the other day. If I were to compare this new film to getting laid too then it was like being invited to an orgy in which the most attractive people on the planet are said to be attending. Except when you get there it's just a creepy scout leader tugging himself off as an old lady projectile shits into his face. I didn't like it and it fucking stunk.

The Greatest Thing That Our Species Has Ever Created

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Cinema can probably stop now because John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum is the greatest fucking achievement that our shit show of a species has ever fucking accomplished. You can take your Great Pyramids, and your penicillin, and your pointless fucking trips to the moon, and shove them up your arse because the perfection of John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum, flat out shits all over them. Oh, did we figure out a way of splitting open an atom? Who gives a fuck?! John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum features a scene in which dogs in bulletproof fucking jackets kill about fifty people in five fucking minutes. Yeah, did you hear that? Dogs in bulletproof fucking jackets kill fifty people in five fucking minutes. I mean, what?? Did Einstein write the script for this movie? Was it Stephen Hawking? Is that what he was doing before he died? Just blinking this movie out in morse code as his last act of genius? Because unless aliens came down and beamed this film into our heads then clearly John Wick: Chapter 3- Parabellum is the greatest fucking advance that our society has made since we first crawled out of the swamp as a fucking fish.

The Avengers Abide

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When a film like Avengers: Endgame comes out, it starts to feel like we're living in some sort of fascist state in which even the slightest whisper of a spoiler is punishable by death. In general, I'd say that I'm against any form of fascism to the point that I get pissed off when even the self-scan in the supermarket tells me to remove my shopping from the bagging area. I mean what the fuck does it think it's doing, telling me what to do. We don't live in the fucking Matrix yet you robot-prick! However, in this case, my only regret is that spoiling things literally isn't punishable by death as I would quite happily cave any perpetrators head in with a fucking rock and then shit into their skull as a warning to everybody else. So I won't spoil anything major here if you haven't seen it. I'll probably talk about the bit in the movie in which Tony and Steve die of AIDS and why I felt it was right to graphically show how they got it. But I don't think that counts as a spoiler because we all saw it coming right? We certainly saw them coming in that scene anyway. So I guess I will be talking a little bit about what happens and so if you haven't seen it then you know.. piss off.

Love Is What Brought You Here

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I live in a predominately white area where I have to remind myself not to stare at a black person if I see one in the street because it's just such an uncommon sight. In fact, the area is so white that if my friends and I were to find ourselves in a horror movie then I'd almost certainly be the first to die simply because I have the most basic hint of a tan about me. However, whenever I've been to the cinema to see a film about any kind of minority then in every single case that minority has been in the audience too. This was the case with Crazy Rich Asians, Black Panther and most recently If Beale Street Could Talk in which there was a single black lady sat in the seat that I'd actually booked for myself. Every time I see this happen I'm reminded of why representation really does matter and how refreshing and needed it must be for those individuals. Still.. I did say that in this case that the lady was sat in the seat that I'd booked for myself. I know it was her fuck up but considering the film we were seeing, I have to admit that I did feel proper shitty having to tell her to go back to wherever her cinema ticket says she belongs.

Her Heart Will Go On

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Alita: Battle Angel begins with Christoph Waltz finding a robotic head in a landfill site which is lucky for him. When I was a kid the most exciting thing that I found lying around was a porno mag in the bushes and the pictures in it were so rank that I think it actually set my development back a few years. But this film is set in the future where finding robot heads is apparently not a huge deal and I presume that porn mags have been replaced with a chip in your brain and some kind of sci-fi suction device. I'm not sure what kind of sci-fi suction device that might be but I reckon a robotic ladies head that you find in the dump might be a good starting place. From here, Waltz decides to give the lady's detached robotic head a body and bring her back to life which is pretty lucky for her. Most people are perverts and so realistically I think the closest to a body that most people would attach her head to would be a fucking anvil. If anything this film should be like a cross between Pinocchio and one of those documentaries about creepy men that become too attached to their sex dolls. Anyway, it turns out that the robot that Waltz names Alita is actually a three-hundred-year-old fighting machine. So she actually looks pretty good for an older lady considering that she's the same age and level of human that Jackie Stallone is.

How To Catch A Predator

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In 1987, a crack team of steroid-addled super men were slaughtered by a vagina-faced space-Rastafarian as they fucked about on a jungle mission. Thirty-one years later however it seems that director Shane Black has managed to find something even more terrifying than that first film's monster for his sequel The Predator. Sure the first movie's beastie was scary, with its towering height, mouth pincers, and shoulder cannons... but this film stars Jake Busey. JAKE FUCKING BUSEY for fuck's sake! Have you seen him in The Frighteners and Contact? He's literally a thing of nightmares. He's got the kind of creepy face and intense stare that should only ever be seen peering out of a haunted mirror in an old German fairytale. But he's worse because he's also a real man that walks our actual planet in real life! Sure he's only in this movie for a few minutes in the beginning but that's honestly enough to put the shits up me. I can understand a creature that's from another planet existing, but imagine something that started life in the ball-sack of Gary Busey. You'd be freaked out if you found a sentient creature living up Nick Nolte's arse or between Meatloaf's tit-folds, so why do we just accept a man that made his journey to Earth via Gary Busey's dick?!

A Fuel-Injected Suicide Machine

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My car tyre burst when I was in a scummy area called Birkenhead and I quickly found myself truly fucked. Due to my stinginess I didn't have a spare one and so had to call some nearby shop to send somebody to help me. As it turns out they sent a full-on fucking psychopath who picked me up and drove me down small suburban roads at about 60mph whilst detailing his plans for a new civil war. Genuinely. He’d been out of prison for seven days and already he was planning a revolution in which 'the whites fight all the blacks'. He believed that foreigners were coming over and stealing all of our jobs to the point were he told me 'I don't blame my kids for being fucking drug dealers'. I had never been so terrified in my entire life. He asked me if I knew any shortcuts between where I'd been stranded and where we were going which I sadly didn’t- “How da fuck do you expect to get away from da police if you don't know your short cuts?!” was his response. The Mad Max franchise might consist of adrenaline fuelled action films in which nutters drive through desolate areas at high-speeds, but it hasn't got shit on being helped by an ex-convict from a working class town in the North of England. I literally shat myself.

This Is Hardcore

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When I was younger, I was well aware that the true meaning of Christmas was to receive as many presents as possible whilst hiding behind the sofa from anybody who may attempt to visit. Since my parents' divorce however, almost every Christmas has been completely different from the last. A couple of years ago in fact I found myself sat around a table with a friend's loving family as they sang songs and had a great time. This might seem normal to you but because I have nothing to do with my family- and we've never sang songs- I couldn't help but assume the night would end with me being burnt alive in a giant Wicker Man. The next year I was kindly invited back but this time we'd be staying in an empty hotel that one family member had been tasked with looking after for the season. Not only that but I swear to God that that specific family member genuinely did show me both an axe that he kept hidden and also some documents stating that someone of his name had worked there a good hundred years earlier. I couldn't go past a fucking lift without expecting to see a river of blood come flooding out. God knows what I'll be doing this year for it. Maybe it'll be another quiet one at home or maybe I'll be floating above my bed as somebody throws holy water in my face and I call their mother a cunt.

Flying High

The worst flight I've ever been on was when I was blackmailed into going to Greece for my dad's second wedding. I travelled with my nan and aunt on a plane full of horny teenagers who were all excited for the non-stop partying that they were presumably about to enjoy. I was only in my early twenties but after my two family members, I was easily the third oldest person on board by some fucking years. Imagine arriving at a rave with your nan and not being able to leave because the only exit was a ten thousand foot drop and that's exactly what it was like. They were loud, drunk, annoying, and I'm pretty sure that the two in front of us were basically shagging. I'm not exactly a people-person at the best of times and so this was literally my worst nightmare. I promise you that for the few hours we were in the air I was praying for something to go wrong to shut these fuckers up. Just one massive explosion and the noisy bastards would have been blasted out and burnt up in the atmosphere! Obviously I'd have been killed too but it would have been worth it. Like a martyr for the misanthropes, I'd have died fucking happy.  

A Bad Book

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Is it just me or does it seem unfair to refer to a single parent family as 'broken'? Sure, single mums sometimes get stressed and drown their children in the bath, but that's not to say a couple with a kid is any better. I'm from a single parent family and to be honest I prefer it to when my parents were together. Some people just aren't right for one another and before my Mum moved out I wasn't allowed to stay up late, so I can't say I was too arsed. If anything was upsetting, I suppose it was the inevitable custody battle where parents fight over who gets to keep their child. It's not that I felt torn between the two but rather that it simply never happened, as both sides were happy to leave me with the other. Bastards! It was a shame too as not only was my loyalty up for the highest bidder but I think a large scale game of 'Who Loves Me The Most' would have done wonders for my confidence. Sure I was almost in my twenties by the time they got divorced but fuck them it'd still have been nice.

Hell Hath No Fury

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There's a person in my life who I can't stand. I won't refer to them by name but if you're reading this, you leather-faced old bitch, then I hope you fucking die. Just so that you have something to imagine, she's coated in three inches of fake sun-tan and has wrinkles so deep that she looks like a satellite photo of a mud slide. If you can picture a pair of testicles that somebody has stuck some googly eyes and a frowny face onto then you're pretty much there. Anyway, the hag pisses me off to the point that often I'll call somebody up to vent to. On one occasion this just happened to be my Mum where I said that I wished that this person would get stabbed in the face and bleed to death. That was fine. Then I said that I hoped they'd get cancer of the soul, painfully slip away into the afterlife and then spend an eternity boiling in a pool of hot, molten shit. It was at that point that my Mum started having a go at me for wishing cancer on somebody. Where's the fucking consistency there? Apparently it's okay to hope somebody gets a sharp blade jammed into their face but not to wish they get a fairly common disease. My Mum said it was different because anybody can get cancer. Who'd have thought that saying "I'm pretty sure anybody can get stabbed in the face, too" would lead to such an argument?

Crashing The Party

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I don't like sports, however that's not to say I have anything against sports movies- so long as they do something more inventive than spunk out the usual shit about being an underdog. Despite the obvious appeal of watching Stallone get his face punched in, I'm not a huge fan of Rocky however I'm certainly willing to turn my back on anybody that doesn't love Raging Bull. Of all the sports to have films about them, it seems like boxing is the most popular which I suppose is simply due to the dramatic ways in which people can get their mush fucked up. I thankfully haven't been exposed to that much crap but I did see Goal a little while ago and obviously hated it. Like football itself, I guess I just found it hard to feel much tension over some smug little shits ability to use his over-valued trotters to nudge a ball into a net. Obviously that's not a blanket rule and I'd always have an open mind but the general thing seems to be that sports films are better when they're about the player and not the game. With this in mind and considering what I said before, I'm surprised there hasn't been more films about racing cars. Are they even called 'racing cars'? Because when I read that back just then, it sounded like it was written by a child with learning difficulties... Fuck it- they're cars and they race so I'm not wrong to say it. Anyway, I'm surprised there haven't been more films about racing cars because they can have the same guff around them in terms of story but it's broken up by some high speed chases. I wouldn't ever watch F1 by choice but in terms of movies, I can't see anything unappealing about interesting characters being blasted around a track in a fuck off car that's using a rocket as a butt plug. 

Live. Die. Repeat.

Edge of Tomorrow is a film in which Tom Cruise dicks about with aliens and everybody thinks he's mad. What a stretch that must have been for him! Right, I've already talked about the film and made a shit joke so now it's time for me to go off topic. God, I hate my life. Like, it's actually fucking shit. I drive to work where I get bollocked for being crap at my job and then I drive home were I'm bollocked by my step-mum for still being alive. To be honest, I think that knowing how much my existence annoys her is all that's stopping me from driving head on into a fucking wall. Is this getting too grim yet? I suppose it's meant to be a movie blog and not a suicide note so I'll lighten things up a bit. Hey, have you ever noticed Tom Cruise's front two teeth? They should be in the middle of his mouth but they're not. They're actually off to the side for some reason. I promise that once you see it you'll never un-see it ever again. If you thought a cult that rapes its followers’ bank balances before treating them to bullshit secrets about little green men was weird then just wait until you see Tom Cruise’s smile. Oh, and did I mention that I'm only one bad day away from slashing my wrists? Sorry, no- ignore that.. It got dark again. We're here to discuss a film and so that's exactly what we'll do. Have you seen Edge of Tomorrow yet? I'm thinking of sticking my head in the oven. It's a good film. It's about a man who has a really shit time every single day and from the moment he wakes up. How unbearable does that sound? Fuck my life...

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

Like you, I couldn’t care less whether my neighbours lived or died. Obviously I’m not a psychopath so I’d prefer for them to remain in some state of happy consciousness but in honesty, they have so little impact on my life that I can’t see how their survival is my problem. I’m sure that makes me sound like a dick but if I were you, I’d look more towards the bigger picture to see how capitalism and social networking have pushed us towards a selfish society that’s smothered by a sense of isolation… That and during my youth if I accidentally kicked a ball over the fence then some of them would be cocks about giving it back, so fuck them. On my list of priorities, I’d say that my neighbour's ability to remain alive is somewhere above me remembering to put the bin out this week but definitely below getting around to finally watching The Wire. There’s a family that lives next door to me that I honestly don’t think I’ve seen in months. Maybe by chance we’ve just managed to avoid each other or maybe they’re rotten corpses are lying on the other side of my wall having chocked to death in a ritualistic orgy of drugs and bestiality. Either way they’re keeping the noise down so I’ll leave them to it.   

Taxi Driver 2: Son of a Bickle

Anyway so all of this brings me to the latest film that I saw at the cinema which happens to have been Seth Rogen’s Bad Neighbours. Apparently it’s called Neighbours in other countries but they changed the name here because they worried we’d confuse it with that shit Australian soap of the same name. If that’s true then cheers for having so little faith in our intelligence knobheads! Although having said that and to be fair you’re depressingly probably not wrong. I once heard a kid loudly ask if he was watching Spider-man 2 about an hour into a screening of Fantastic Four 2: Rise of The Silver Surfer so I guess you really can’t underestimate the public's stupidity at times. Not only that but to have heard that simple little brat ask its ridiculous question I guess that must also mean that I’d paid to see Fantastic Four 2 too… so I guess neither of us where wearing our thinking caps that day. Anyway yeah… So I saw Bad Neighbours which basically tells the story of a young family who have their peace shattered when the place next door to them becomes a fraternity house. Despite an initial bonding session things quickly turn sour and the two neighbours end up in a prank war. Well fuck me sideways if that’s not a set-up for a comedy then I don’t know what is!

I’d like to say at this point that I love seeing films that are new to me and so even if I didn’t particularly like something that’s not to say I can’t appreciate the experience of having seen it. With that in mind it brings me no pleasure to have to report that in my humble opinion Bad Neighbours was a little bit shit. I mean it’s not awful and is nowhere near as bad as the Jack and Jill style of comedic diarrhoea that Adam Sandler has been pumping out for the majority of his career. But I’m a fan of Seth Rogen and compared to some of his films like SuperBad and Pineapple Express for me this really doesn’t compete. I think there are four main reasons for this which are its lack of heart, the lack of discipline, the lack of surprises and the fact that all the female characters mostly have to do is have nice tits. Although to be fair with the exception of those that have milk shooting out of them or a baby clamped on the women did have some nice tits.

So to start with the lack of discipline I think this comes down to the script and how there doesn’t seem to fucking be one. Rogen’s comedies often have an improvised feel to them which is fine but that still requires something more technical than sticking people together getting them to chat shit and then hoping for the best. There are conversations here in which the bollocks spews from characters mouths and although it teases the potential of humour it generally ends up going on for way too long. The cast of This is Spinal Tap tend to improvise their comedies but you can still tell that the material has been trailed and scrutinised beforehand. The Office too feels improvised although according to interviews I hear that the naturalistic dialogue and performances were simply the result of Gervais and Merchants really well written scripts. My point is that I’m not simply bitching that Bad Neighbours doesn’t sound like it was written by the bastard off-spring of Shane Black and Oscar Wilde but rather that it simply could have done with a little more self-control.

As for the lack of heart… well this ironically might have helped me get over that previous issue. As I mentioned before I do really like Super Bad and Pineapple Express however they clearly also place the same level of importance on their scripts as Mel Gibson does on not being a mental racist. Despite their obvious indulgences though the one thing that they have to hook me in is likeable characters and slightly touching relationships. Whether it be Jonah Hill and Michael Cera or Seth Rogen and James Franco, I’m kind of a sucker for films that depict the sweetness of two friends strengthening their bond. I think films about male friendship are to me what rom-coms are to lonely women who spend their nights crying fat tears of regret into a tasty tub of ice-cream. In Bad Neighbours however there are I suppose three main relationships… there’s the one between Rogen and his wife Rose Byrne, Rogen and his neighbour Zac Efron and another between Efron and mate Dave Franco. Out of all of those though the only one that comes close to being either interesting or memorable is the one between Rogen and Efron as the film hints towards a kind of big brother/little brother thing between the two. In fact for me the highlight of the movie was their drunken bonding session in which they ate magic mushrooms, got wankered, argued about who made the best Batman and then had a swordfight with their piss. Sadly though this only lasts like one scene before the two are pitted against each other and the film descends into dull, slapstick bollocks.

Rogen is a family man whose jealous of Efrons freedom and Efron is a dick because he’s worried about his future. If there’s one thing I like more than male bonding it’s a film in which the message seems to be that no matter who or how old you are life will always be shite. Both this idea and their relationship are in my opinion two really great starting points for a film. However like I say the slapstick takes precedence over this which would be fine if it wasn’t for one thing… They fucking ruined it for us before we even started watching the fucking movie. Yes I like films about both relationships and nihilism but as Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin have proven there’s still an art to getting a laugh from having somebody get accidentally twat in the head. However the one thing that this therefore requires is the element of surprise. If I’m going to be honest this probably isn’t the kind of film I’d go out of my way to see but I’d seen basically everything out right now and me and my friends needed something to do for the day. My point is that before seeing this film I had about as much interest in Bad Neighbours as the film had for using it’s script for anything more than a shitrag.

However because I’d seen so many other films recently I’d been forced to see the trailer for this film so many times that I already knew most of the fucking jokes. Did I laugh at the stuff with the airbags or the baby eating a condom? Well yeah… I tittered about a month ago when I saw it out of context in the trailer but not now. If I was seeing it fresh then I’m sure the panic in a parents face as they spot their offspring cheerfully chowing down on what looks like a rubber jizz bag would be hilarious. So I guess my advice would be that if the plot is going to waffle and the dialogue is indulgently long then don’t stick all the fucking slapstick jokes in the trailer as that’s literally all there is left to enjoy. It’s like a porn film trying to sell itself by sticking all of the nudity in the trailer when the rest of the film consists of a fully clothed woman chatting to some bloke about the broken boiler. Sorry love but I’ve already seen your flange and I spaffed about two minutes ago. To conclude… if you’ve seen this films trailer then you’ve seen this film.

Today's spot the difference competition! Write in when you find them all!

Anyway like I said Bad Neighbours is a bit shit but it's not awful however I still kind of felt like I needed a quick reminder of why I like Seth Rogen. I'm pretty sure that there's one film in his entire back catalogue that has a great script and yet still feels naturalistic and even features male bonding. For anybody that felt the same amount of disappointment that I did during this film then I really strongly recommend that you go back to his genuinely brilliant cancer comedy 50/50. Admittedly that film also suffers from a lack of meaningful female characters but I guess misogyny must just be part of their style. In 50/50 the main characters girlfriend does nothing but act like a bitch and yet here too Rogen's wife and ironically his young daughter constantly find themselves getting lost amongst the chaos. In fact there's one scene in this film in which the young couple break up for no real reason with the event being about as emotional as having a drunken piss against a bus stop. Not only that but they only stay split up for about a second before they randomly get back together and it's as though nothing ever happened. That's probably the main problem with Bad Neighbours really it's just a bunch of stuff that happens to tie together a bunch of predictable, slapstick moments and then it's over. To be fair though... You could say the same about life. Bye, bye. 

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The Path of the Righteous Man

And now I shall begin this blog in the style of an old bitter man who’s had one too many to drink before closing time. I'll let you decide at which point I start to break character and allow reality to bleed in! So... what is it with you people? Bastards, the lot of you! I look around and all I see are bullshitters and fuckwits. I used to have hope. I had dreams. But you've killed them all with your lies like the great selfish arseholes that you are! I hate you. I hate your fake smiles and your fucking punchable shithead faces. I'm sick of being choked to death by the truth shaped bollocks that you ram down my throat. You're all a herd of wild bell-ends and I have been trampled by your hooves of crap for far too long. Sure I might have a few trust issues but I'd say the biggest issue is simply that everyone's a twat and you can all burn in hell. I think there are about four people in this life who I can actually properly trust and thank fuck for them. They're the last line of defence between me, the world and a full blown breakdown. You lot should be fucking grateful for them too because I swear to God that I'm only one spoonful of horseshit away from heading to the clock tower and taking fucking aim! Aaaaand scene... So anyway, Captain America: The Winter Soldier was pretty good.

This film continues the story of Steve Rogers from both his first film and The Avengers as the worlds least scrawny nice-guy continues to have the world shit all over him. Whilst adjusting to life in our time, he now works for SHIELD who supposedly protect our world from all the freaky stuff that's been going down of late. I was actually thinking whilst watching this that if you lived in the Marvel Universe, the daily news channels would be the greatest TV show of all time! How the hell would something like Breaking Bad compete with the News at Ten when that news features genuine footage of aliens, superheroes, and massive fuck-off robots? You'd think that their fictional dramas would be the most boring things possible just as a bit of escapism from all the adrenalin. Breaking Bad wouldn't be about a dying teacher slowly becoming a stone-cold Meth dealer it would be about a dying teacher slowly becoming a stone-cold corpse. It'd be self-fulfilment television at its most relaxing! Anyway... So SHIELD gets compromised, Nick Fury disappears and the Captain has to figure out who he can trust whilst also trying to discover who the hell The Winter Soldier is. There's fights, laughs, tears, and credits.

What do you mean I look like someone left a waxwork of Brad Pitt to close to a fire?

So, if there's one theme that runs so consistently through this film it's the idea of trust which, other than my questionable mental state and an overly indulgent writing style, is the main reason for the opening paragraph. SHIELD has been infiltrated by the enemy and after being informed by Fury, The Captain slowly learns that he can no longer trust anybody. Although Marvel essentially make nothing but superhero action films, it's admirable that they try to remain at least somewhat original by setting each new addition in a different sub-genre. This time they've decided on homaging the old paranoia/conspiracy thrillers of the 70's with this film featuring sinister organisations, bugged rooms, double agents and the appearance of an old decomposing Robert Redford. It's not that Redford doesn't look good for his age, it's just that now he kind of looks like somebody’s tried to make a sculpture of his younger self out of cheese and it's starting to go off. He's still cool though so unless he's offering a million dollars, I suppose it doesn't matter to me what he looks like. I also appreciated how this film is basically the next episode in what is essentially now just a massive-budget TV show and yet still remains accessible to any new audience members. Did you see the first Captain America film? No? Well then don't worry because The Cap himself will fill you in when he goes for an egotistical stroll through, 'The Museum of Clunky Exposition'.

So yeah- I really enjoyed this film which, let’s face it, is so reminiscent of Thunderbirds that it's like a live-action wet dream from the founder of the Jerry Anderson fan club. For me, the highlight was near the start where Fury is involved in a car chase that results in even more proof that Samuel 'Not in the Matrix' Jackson really is the coolest motherfucker on the planet. I also really like Steve Rogers despite that fact that he seems so considerate and kind that he's at constant risk of being about as much fun as fingering a deflated sex doll that's not even pretending to be into it. I don't know why I like Rogers so much but I think it's because he's a nice guy and I'm single which, from my experience, must mean that I am too. I also admire how little controversy Marvel have attracted for Captain America considering that the way in which he acquired his powers essentially makes the franchise a promotional tool for the use of steroids. Are you a pathetic scrawny fuck who wishes he was tough enough to punch foreigners in the face? Then when not try making yourself bigger by stabbing yourself in the muscles with a variety of untested drug-filled needles?! You've got to admire their balls for that one!

Anyway, also I think it's pretty cool to see how relevant this film kind of is with its exploration of Government Agencies spying on people who haven't yet done anything wrong. Admittedly that exploration only goes as far as seeing how long it'll take for something to explode but it's still nice to know that John Snowdon has a blockbuster he can relate to, too. In fact, I really enjoyed all of the fun espionage action so much that for at least the first hour I thought this could be my favourite non-Avengers film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Well, I thought that for the first hour at least but then it just went on and on and on. In many ways the structure of this film is very reminiscent of Ron Jeremy in that it's kind of long and a bit too flabby. Having said that, I don't really know what I'd take out to get this film down to a more reasonable duration. The only thing I can think is that the third act could have done with something different simply because every Marvel film ever has so far ended with a climactic battle. In fact, other than World War Z, I'm pretty sure that no action film has either. Sure none of them had previously also involved the cool swooping of The Falcon, or as I prefer, ‘Robo-Kes’... but still. In fact, one of the things I also loved was in how his metal wings were barely explained considering how fucking mental and impractical they are. I think there's a throwaway line about how he ended up with them after somebody asked, “what the fuck?” But despite whatever his answer really was, it was so uninformative that he may as well have just retorted with, “Because only cunts ask questions”.

Speaking of things with almost no explanation, I'd say that possibly the biggest fault of the film is that The Winter Soldier, whose name is in the fucking title, ends up getting a little neglected. As villains go, he's like a young boy sat outside a pub for six hours with a glass of lemonade and a packet of crisps as the adults have fun inside. His backstory is also explained in a sequence that's over so quickly it makes most vines look like Lawrence of A-fucking-rabia. The Winter Soldier turns up, shoots things and looks angry... that's about it. I mean how in God's name can he be unhappy considering his single superpower is a pneumatic wanking arm? In fact, what's he even doing out of the house? Although, whatever... I guess the presence of an underused villain is always going to be a problem with characters as charismatic and famous as these lead superheroes seem to be. It's also true of a few other Marvel films too, with Thor 2's Malekith being about as personality-free as a dishcloth and Iron Man's Obadiah Stane's name sounding like a wet patch found around an old, pissed Irishman's crotch. I guess there's also only so many times that they can wheel Loki out too before either Tom Hiddleston dies of exhaustion or the character becomes about as overused as a fat person’s shitting bucket. I suppose this villain thing is just going to have to be something the series concentrates on improving as things move on. Speaking of which, another problem is possibly that with these films are planned out so far ahead that there's almost no level of suspense in regards to the fate of key characters. Near the start here, somebody gets off-ed which is slightly undermined by the fact that we've all seen the cast list for The Avengers 2 and we all saw Gordon pull the exact same trick in The Dark Knight.

Captain America 3: The Unventilated Fart

But, yeah... I promise you that this film is still really good with Marvel's first real fuck up still yet to happen. It's admirable that a mainstream action movie should aim for some degree of political relevance- it's nice to see a studio have the balls to make huge changes within the world of their films and it's fun to see Robert Redford both visibly involved with pop-culture and alive. It does kind of bang on about the issue of trust quite a lot which is fine... Although if you've had the same experiences that I have with the opposite sex then not trusting people really isn't a lesson you need to be taught. Once you've had to forcibly prevent a girl from ramming her finger up your arse, a stern word about being ‘on your guard’ from Samuel L. Jackson seems a little redundant. But that's just me... Sometimes I think I can be too honest in these blogs…? Maybe that's why I can relate to Captain America so much. He can't trust people because everyone around him keeps getting murdered and I can't because somebody once tried to penetrate me. We're like two peas in a pod! And on that note, I'll end it there and see you next week. Bye-bye!!!

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