26 January 2015

The Best Of A Bad Situation

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Like Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes, they say that revenge is a dish best served cold… but maybe revenge isn't the end of the situation? I went to court once because I'd heard it was free to watch and what else is a young boy to do with his days off? So, after asking the man at the desk what the best thing he had on that day was, I went and sat in on a murder trial. To cut a long story short, the guy we saw had been driving one car and managed to shoot a bloke in another car square between the eyes. He was claiming he'd only meant to scare the guy and not actually kill him with his defence being that it was such a brilliant shot that he couldn't possibly have meant it. Got to love it when your reason not to go to jail is actually you bragging about the exact reason you definitely should be going to jail for. Anyway, the shooting was some gang related thing which had been going on for fucking years. Person after person would kill and then be killed like a lethal domino effect of falling twats and it's obviously not going to stop anytime soon. The judge obviously called bullshit on the defendants excuse and so sent him down for twelve years. Justice was served, the victim’s family breathed a sigh of relief and I had a bloody good day out!

20 January 2015

Bye-Bye Dreams

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Hands up who can think of an aspect of life that isn't completely fucking miserable. If you have your hand up, you're wrong. I can enjoy something up until I get to the halfway point but then I realise the conclusion is coming up soon and I can't help but focus on the total bullshit of being alive. I quite like Saturday but then I tend to spend most of my Sunday's simply weighing up if I'd prefer to spend the next five days in work or just save myself the bother and stick my head inside the fucking oven. Some people see an old couple walking hand in hand and think it's sweet that they've managed to stay together for so many years. I just wonder which of them is going to go first and selfishly leave the other to wither in a misty fog of loneliness, Alzheimer's and piss. It sounds like I'm being mean but I swear that I'm speaking the truth. The only way you could possibly end your life on a high is by making sure you leave your loved one in the shit by fucking dying on them. When I reach old age, I think I'll keep a cyanide pill in one of the gums of my false teeth. If my partner so much as sniffles, I'm cracking it out, biting down and burning my insides into oblivion safe in the knowledge that things could literally never have ended better than this.  

12 January 2015

I Know That I Know Nothing

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I know that when I meet new people I ask a lot of questions, but what's so bad about that? Oh look, there was a question! But are questions really so bad? Oh- there was another! People criticise me for asking pointless questions but if you're talking to another human for the first time then I think there's a lot of important things that need to be asked. Do you believe in God? Do you like cartoons? These are decisive factors regarding whether or not I think we can be friends. For me the answer to both of those big questions is of course not, I'm not a fucking child... just kidding, I love cartoons! Also, for the record, if I am asking too many questions then maybe it's because you're not pulling your weight in whatever shit conversation I'm being forced to have with you. If I don't know you then the odds are I don't want to be talking to you and so have ended up in the situation against my will. So you know... do your bit, dickhead!  

5 January 2015

Wings And Desire

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In many ways I envy people who have religion. I'd much rather believe that I'll one day be sitting on a cloud instead of simply being chewed up and then squirted out of a worm’s anus. Not only that but religious people believe that God has a plan for us all. How nice is that? Life might seem fucking pointless to me but even if it's pointless for a religious person, that's okay because that's what the Sky-Boss wants. As of right now, the only things I have planned for the week are to go to my soul destroying job in the day and then spend the evenings fantasising about the ways in which I could commit suicide. For me, I think the old noose-and-a-wank is currently the top of the possibilities. I'd like to have some higher-power comforting me that there is some reason to the misery of life but sadly I'm not a fucking idiot. God is dead and we're all alone in an angst-ridden vacuum of meaninglessness. Anyway, so to get to the point, I really enjoyed that new Michael Keaton film.