I've Had The Time Of My Life

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When I walked out of Christopher Nolan's Dunkirk back in 2017 and declared that “I would die to see his next movie”, I didn't expect the director to actually hold me to it. It's now 2020 and after several global pandemic related delays, the new Nolan film Tenet has been released at a time in which sitting in a room with a stranger is liable to lead to your immediate death. Although if you've sat anywhere near me in a cinema over the last few years and dared to so much as fucking breathe too loudly then you've very much been at risk of death already. On average I tend to go to the cinema literally about three times a week and yet it has now been five entire fucking months since I was able to visit. Sitting down to watch Tenet was like returning to a church but better because although God might not really exist, big explosions, thumping soundtracks, and mind-bending visuals thankfully do. Plus I'm relatively young, pretty healthy, and have at least one older member of my immediate family that I really can not stand. As I ran up the stairs to the screening room whilst licking the bannisters and door handles, I decided that, although I might not be prepared to die to see Christopher Nolan's latest film, I was more than happy to at least risk the passing on of a deadly virus to my bitch of a step-mum. 

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This Franchise Absolutely Will Not Stop, Ever, Until You Are Dead

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The Terminator franchise has always seemed a little far-fetched to me. It’s not that I don’t believe that the robots will one day rise up and destroy us, because I’m 100% behind that idea. Only this week did I meet my friend on the train and discover that he had no eye-brows because of a robot, in fact. Apparently he’d been shaving them down when the electric razor had developed a life of its own and decided to take them off completely. The rise of the machines starts now. Imagine what a robot could do with a gun if a simple razor was able to turn my friends head into a giant fucking thumb. My issue with that first film is actually that I just don’t believe in the mission of humanity's saviour, John Connor. Could a soldier lead the resistance and bring down the robots? Maybe. But would he be prepared to send his mate on a mission through time with the primary goal of hooking him up with his Mum? No. And even if he did then that’s not a future that I’d want to live in. Be shot dead by robots or rebuild society in the image of a man whose main agenda was to get his own Mum laid? I think I’ll take being shot in the fucking head if you don’t mind. 

The Avengers Abide

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When a film like Avengers: Endgame comes out, it starts to feel like we're living in some sort of fascist state in which even the slightest whisper of a spoiler is punishable by death. In general, I'd say that I'm against any form of fascism to the point that I get pissed off when even the self-scan in the supermarket tells me to remove my shopping from the bagging area. I mean what the fuck does it think it's doing, telling me what to do. We don't live in the fucking Matrix yet you robot-prick! However, in this case, my only regret is that spoiling things literally isn't punishable by death as I would quite happily cave any perpetrators head in with a fucking rock and then shit into their skull as a warning to everybody else. So I won't spoil anything major here if you haven't seen it. I'll probably talk about the bit in the movie in which Tony and Steve die of AIDS and why I felt it was right to graphically show how they got it. But I don't think that counts as a spoiler because we all saw it coming right? We certainly saw them coming in that scene anyway. So I guess I will be talking a little bit about what happens and so if you haven't seen it then you know.. piss off.

Boning Up: Escape From The Planet Of The Apes

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Spoilers throughout. 

What's the story?

The previous film ended with the apes gunning down a load of skinless freaks and Charlton Heston going all 'fuck-this' and nuking the Earth. So how the fuck do you follow that? Well, apparently as this was happening, three other apes; Zira, Cornelius, and Monkey McRed-Shirt, re-built themselves a spaceship that sent them back in time to the 1970's. So now you have a reversal of story in which the apes are the strangers in our world as our politicians try to figure out what to do with them. Although, the scientists investigating them don't seem to take too many precautions, for instance, willingly locking themselves in cages with the apes to perform experiments without any knowledge of how safe our new visitors might be. I guess these scientists have a similar attitude to health and safety as Steve Irwin did after uttering the phrase “Watch me jab this Stingray in the tits, fellas” Anyway, once this is complete, the apes are then paraded around as celebrities, with us then becoming suspicious that their existence is a risk to the future of humanity. For a film that starts off as a fish-out-of-water comedy, I have to say that I was somewhat surprised when we ultimately decide to shoot the living fuck out of the apes in an ending that was like The Wild Bunch crossed with Dunstan Checks In.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

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Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

So Harry begins his third year of magic school and finds out that a serial killer has broken out of prison and wants him dead. Not exactly a relatable issue for most of us and so the film cleverly throws in a grim little subtext for all the teenagers in the audience. Like most kids of Harry's age, the boy wizard is finding himself a little hounded by the black dog. However in his case it's not simply a metaphorical term for the depression he feels as it dawns on him that the world is a shithole. Rather, his black dog is quite literally a big black dog that seems to want him dead. Oh, and in an attempt to protect Harry from this escaped killer, Dumbledore has opened the school to a bunch of grim-reaper like pricks known as Dementors. The Dementors however also seem pretty happy to kill Harry too if he happens to get in their way. So.. basically, Harry has to go through another year of school in which most of the things at that school want him dead. But oh fuck... he better get a parental signature on his Hogsmeade form or he won't be allowed to visit the quaint little village to have fun with his friends.

Star Trek 8: First Contact

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Star Trek 8: First Contact - what the fuck was it about?

So I guess this is really the first movie to show just the Next Generation team in action, and I did like the variety of Mr Wharf, Data, and Picard. With them, you have a dark-skinned Klingon, a pale android, and grossest of all... a fucking bald man. This time however we're told that “The Borg have gone back in time in order for them to be able to assimilate the future” Or to put it another way.. “some sci-fi shit is happening and so let's crack on”. In this movie, Patrick Stewart must go back in time to prevent past events from destroying the future, although unlike in Days Of Future Past, this time he actually gets off his lazy arse and goes himself. Oh, and this time, the villains are the previously mentioned Borg who travel around annoying people in giant metal cubes. So I guess they're a bit like intergalactic caravaners. The only thing is that the Borg aren't actually shown for ages and so all you know is that parts of them are made of metal and they like whatever room they're in to be uncomfortably hot. So for the first half of the movie I was basically just picturing my Nan.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, there's a lot of reference throughout to Picard having been previously tampered with by the Borg in the TV show. But all we really get to see of this is a quick flash back of him having a drill stabbed into his eyes, which coincidentally reminded me of what it felt like to watch Star Trek: The Motion Picture. But to somebody that's only watching the films this aspect is a little confusing, especially considering it adds basically nothing to the story except occasionally making Picard angry for no real reason. But if you can all recall, it really only takes the sight of James Cordon hosting an award ceremony to make Patrick Stewart angry, and I didn't need to watch a TV show to understand that. It was pretty fucking obvious that he was pissed.

In fact, the whole movie kind of just felt like a big-budget episode of a TV show really, with its only claim to being cinematic being that it's a TV show that's dressed up in sci-fi clothes. So, you get a couple of space-based dog-fights and explosions that cause people to comically trampoline around the Enterprise Bridge as though they're the silhouetted ladies from the opening titles to a Roger Moore Bond film. But it really doesn't look like a movie. I mean, even in terms of design you can tell that the Shatner films originate from a 60's sensibility, because everything is made of lava-lamps and would be pretty fucking fun to stare at when stoned. However when looking at everything here, the only real thing that dates it to the 90's is the ageing CG and that last few survivors of Patrick Stewart's hair. Oh, and as much as I do love Stewart, to somebody with my experience of Star Trek, this crew just really doesn't feel as iconic as the big-eared Spock or the sausage-shaped Kirk.

Having said all that, I did enjoy First Contact for what it was. The Borg's Queen was a cool character, although when she announced that she “brings order to chaos” it made me see her as less as a villain and more as the woman who could sort out the queueing system at my local chippy. Oh, and I do like Data too. At one point, and despite being a robot, the Queen asks him how long it's been since he last got laid, to which he responds “Eight years, seven months, sixteen days, four minutes, twenty-two seconds”. It's getting depressing how much I relate to him. Still it's enjoyable to see him essentially deconstruct humanity by trying to understand us. And it was fun to see James Cromwell pop up in this too. He plays a drunken rocket-scientist that spends a lot of his time chasing after whatever woman he can spot. If I have to watch James Cromwell being overly interested in a tasty babe then I definitely prefer Star Trek: First Contact to fucking Pig In The City.

 

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home - What the fuck is it about?

In the future, mankind has hunted all whales to extinction which is awkward because an angry alien thing has just turned up assuming whales to be Earth's dominant species. So after they investigated some blue space-mist in the first film, dealt with the wrath of Khan in the second, and resurrected Spock from a dying planet in the third, there was really only one obvious story that this fourth movie could tell. Kirk and his crew must travel back in time to the 1980's, steal a couple of whales from SeaWorld, take them back to the future and then have them tell the angry aliens to 'piss off'. Talk about cliched! It's also worth noting that the movie begins with the crew in exile after the shit they pulled previously. Shouldn't be a problem for them though really, considering that's where most of the cast spend their time when not making these movies.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, it could be said that this is the moment that the franchise jumped the shark. Or considering at one point that Spock dives into the Seaworld tank to ride one, perhaps a more apt phrase would be 'it fucked the whale'. Though you know when an idea is so stupid that it actually becomes kind of brilliant? Well, this is one of them. The best sci-fi is actually a comment on modern day society anyway so why not just save time by having your sci-fi characters actually come to modern day and simply comment on it? Particularly when it's as legitimately fucking funny as this. I also liked that it had a proper full-on eco-message. I mean, most comedy movies aren't even funny, let alone actually funny and with some degree of subtext. Admittedly the subtext is about as obvious as how fucking old the actors are becoming, but at least there's no denying it's there.

Actually if I'm being honest, my biggest criticism isn't anything to do with the ridiculous story at all but probably is in the state of the cast. At this point they're all clearly getting on a bit, but rather than letting them appear as their actual age, the movie attempts to convince us that they're all still young. I mean, Sulu has so much make-up on his face that for the first half of the film I just assumed he was some random fucking geisha. Even Shatner is starting to resemble a cross between a clown and a prostitute. That belt of his is looking tighter, too. Does the plot revolve around them looking for whales just because they wanted a species to make him look thinner? Usually it's the character wearing a red shirt that's going to die but a fucking bright-red face can't exactly be a good sign. Also at four films in, Uhura still hasn't done that much. I appreciate that the crew is made up of all various nationalities and so obviously has a liberal left leaning view for the time, but everybody has their moment to shine in these films with the exception of the only woman. I doesn't help the point either that her name basically sounds like "A whore? Urgh”.

Anyway.. Is this film worth seeing? Absolutely. Even if you haven't seen the previous three then it works as a decent enough comedy as it is. Sure, the cast look a little bit like they've been drawn onto a stretched out ballsack, but they're still all really funny.

Come With Me If You Want To Live

Due to it consisting exclusively of scroungers, deadbeats, nutters and fuckwits, if I can avoid my mums family then I damn-well will. However thanks to some recent bullshit I accidentally found myself on the Facebook profile of one of my seventeen year old cousins who I'd not laid eyes on in over a decade. Despite having refused to do a days work in her short and pointless life, it seems that right now the fat, skanky little tart is living freely in her own flat after having pushed offspring out from her slutty little minge. In the job section of her profile she had simply written, “I'm a full-time Mummy <3”, which was a sentence that annoyed me so much that my eyes burst and sprayed blood everywhere. Between my Aunty and her current partner, the two alpha-rats have created eleven children who, as in the case of my teenaged cousin, have also began to pop out their own ugly, state funded mutants. Like a plague of human filth, they breed, consume, and die having contributed nothing to society beyond being a constant supply of brain-dead guests for those shit chat-shows in which toothless yokels scream blue murder at each other after stealing from people who work. Urgh... To conclude this rant I'll get to the point... Believe it or not but the life cycle of these parasitic clagnuts is actually encouraged by the film The Terminator... kind of!

I'm going to hope that everybody on the planet has seen this film although for the sake of those suffering from head trauma, I suppose I'll do a quick recap. Basically, in the future, humanity is at war with the machines because they're better than us and we have this pissy little habit of not wanting to die. To try and scupper our resistance, the robots initiate the standard war time procedure of travelling back through time and murdering our leader’s mum Sarah Connor before she can give birth to him. I actually think that Churchill was planning to do that to Hitler before the Americans finally got their shit together and found some perspective. Also at the same time as this, humanity has also sent Sarah a soldier for protection because we need her alive and the tacky haired bitch seemed oddly underprepared. I suppose this was back in the 80's when most women weren't expecting to be randomly slaughtered by a naked, psychopath with bright red-eyes... Ah who doesn't feel a tinge of nostalgia for our pre-bathsalts days?!

Cum with me if you want to live...

Okay so from this point on I'm going to just assume that you've popped your Terminator cherry as I can't be arsed over-explaining everything and I'll be going into some spoilers... If you've not seen the film then from here on you should probably just fuck off and repair that half life that you've so far wasted the shit out of.... Anyway, so obviously the film is a classic blah, blah, blah... However if I have one question it is simply this- what was it about the 1980's that resulted in so many films following a main character as they to trick their dad into fucking their mum? Not only was there Back To The Future's creepy love triangle of incest but this too! John Connor gives his soldier mate a picture of his mum as spaffing-rations before sending him back through time to future spunk her into getting pregnant. This baby then grows up to be John which means that his mate who he got all hot and bothered with the sexy MILF pics turned out to be his own dad?! And I thought my friends were motherfuckers... But then if John had to send his dad back in time to screw himself out of his mum then how did that happen in the first place? Because presumably there's a point where the future hasn't happened yet and she's not able to get pregnant because she's not met the man who'll give her the unborn baby that'll hook them up... Err what? More confusingly of all though, how could anybody ever send their dad on a mission to fuck themselves out of their own mum? I mean seriously... These films were made to be fun and yet just the thought of that makes me want to dribble vomit down my tits in disgust. 

...And this is where all that stuff regarding my useless bag-of-puss family comes into it. If you pay close attention to Terminator 2: Judgement Day then you'll discover that it is set ten years after the first film with Sarah Connor apparently now being twenty-nine years old. This means that in The Terminator when she gets boned by the scratty looking soldier, she must have only been about eighteen or nineteen years old. Nothing wrong with that I suppose except for the fact that she’s not in a steady relationship, she's jobless and now she's got a child to bring up too. Who’s going to pay for that little bastard I wonder? Not only that but because her child is meant to be Earth’s saviour, we're all meant to be happy that this gullible mullet ends up hanging a crusty donut. Subconsciously this film is putting into kids minds that an unplanned teen pregnancy is both cool and acceptable...

I realise that this point is kind of anticlimactic in comparison to the indulgently long slurry of bile about my family at the beginning. Nor do I really believe an adult film should worry about being watched by children. But you know... It's my blog and sometimes I like to find reasons to call my relatives, “alpha rats” and “fuckwits”. To make up for this I'll distract you by quickly justifying the statement about kids being influenced by this when it is clearly a film for adults. Basically, children are fucking devious and will get whatever they want. I wanted to see it when I was younger and so to get around the watchful eye of my parents I simply asked my confused nan (from dad's side) to tape it off the television for me. She didn't know what the fuck it was and my parents didn't know what she'd done as 'Schwarzenegger' is a difficult word to spell. For a good few weeks I had a video lying around my room with a title written on in old lady scribble calling it, “Some Arnold Sharonarroneger thing”. It would have been the perfect crime had I not then spent the next few weeks finding any opportunity to leave rooms just to have an excuse to announce, “I'll be back”.

"I yam an gooood yaactoorr"

Other than being a contributing factor to my estranged fucking relatives though, The Terminator is obviously a complete masterpiece. If I'm being honest, it's probably also quite a small influence on their breeding in the grand scheme of things but still... There are plenty of things that make this film as great as it is but let’s face it, Arnie is probably the main one. I'm a huge Schwarzenegger fan and although I admit that he has been involved in some truly terrible movies he's also been in a lot of great ones too. I need to see Batman and Robin again about as desperately as I need a swift kick to an open wound on my bollocks but surely nobody can deny the genius of Total Recall or Predator? I love the fact that in real life he managed to take over a state of America by constantly quoting an out of context catchphrase but I'm also glad he's back on our screens now. He was away for ten years and it's about time he returned to what he was made for and starred in some brand new classics... Preferably that aren't also part of The Expendables franchise which as far as I'm concerned just looks too much like an explosive Hollywood remake of the British sitcom Dad's Army. I don't think that Arnie is the greatest actor of all time but I think he's better than some people give him credit for. In fact I would even argue that his only real problem is his distracting accent which although ‘cool’, it makes everything he says sound like he's just fallen down a massive hole. Arnie is capable of great acting when he finds the right part and with the right director to guide him. In this case it just so happens that for the role of an almost silent machine that simply cannot show any human emotion whatsoever... he's perfect!

To kind of conclude, I guess it's interesting to note that director James Cameron pulled the same trick with this franchise that he did with the Alien one too. Whereas this part-one is a kind of slasher/horror film, part-two then switched genres to become much more focused on action. I'm still quite a fan of the shitter films that came after those first couple and I'm quite looking forward to part five although I've no clue what the story will be. So far for that they've just cast both John and Sarah Connor with Sarah being interestingly younger than her son. Does this mean that we'll be travelling back in time to meet her as a teenager again? Possibly! The way this incestuous franchise works it really wouldn't surprise me either if John ended up being sent back to protect her just so he could fuck her and become his own dad. Meh, I'm optimistic either way and I guess we'll have to just wait and see! 

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Mighty Joe Young And Old

If I had a chance to chat to my younger self, I would most probably warn him about certain events that have unfolded since my birth. One of the more prominent, easily-avoidable memories occurred at the local swimming pool. This one time I had goggles on and so could see everything under the water when I noticed a pound coin at the bottom. Excited, I swam down to grab it, dodging loose verrucas and mouldy plasters as I went. When it was within reach, I picked it up and then proudly examined my winnings. As I glanced at my newly gained loot I was surprised and disappointed to witness the coin completely dissolve away. It was at that point that I realised that it wasn't money that I'd had in my hand but was in fact a little tiny lump of shit. Somebody around me had taken a crap, shook out their shorts and then left it for me to find.

If I did have a time machine, not only would I stop myself from reaching for the abandoned turd but I'd stop myself going into the pool altogether. A second after that, I noticed a middle-aged woman in a white swimming costume. For a start I could clearly see the silhouette of her wiry, black pubes but worst of all was the obvious outline of her sanitary towel. Being male, I deliberately don't know too much about periods however, if I am sure of one thing it's that I don't want to be swimming around in a pool of lady-clot soup. What a disgusting fucking species we are.

The film Looper was released in 2012 and depicts a different use of time machines to my above suggestion. Beginning in 2044 the world has predictably turned to shit with the streets being full of tramps and whores. I don't actually think I saw any whores walking about but that's probably just because they were off working, quite rightly. Considering hobos and prostitutes are like the ‘his and hers’ of murder victims, no future dystopia could be without the complete set. At this point, time travel hasn't been invented yet which is fair enough... They currently can't make a fully working cock for trannies, so time travel in thirty-two years seems unlikely. However, in around 2077 the mob are using time machines to send people back three decades to be murdered by somebody waiting for them in the past. So the basic set-up is a bit like being driven blindfolded to Manchester and then stabbed to death in a grotty pub car-park.

Joseph Gorden-Levitt plays one of the assassins who waits for a victim to be beamed back from the future. He then shoots them, takes some silver strapped to their back and burns the body. If it wasn't for the chap getting his head turned inside out by a shotgun blast to the face, it would basically be a victimless crime. The assassins themselves are known as Loopers and live a comfortable lifestyle amongst the widespread poverty. Joseph Gorden-Levitt uses his money to drive fast cars, take drugs and chill with strippers, meaning that he's basically living the “Charlie Sheen lifestyle”. Oh and just for the sake of clarity, I can't be bothered typing out Joseph Gorden-Levitt anymore so from this point on he'll be known as 'JGL'. For other examples of celebrity short-hand, Robert Downey Jr is 'RDJ', Daniel Day Lewis is 'DDL' and Piers Morgan is 'that smug, slimy cunt with the punchable face'. I know that last one isn't shorter but it just makes me feel less sick than typing his actual name.

Anyway, JGL is a Looper living the highlife but with one big downside... He had to kill his older self but instead let him get away. People say that going to jail is brilliant with its free gym membership, room-service and en-suite shit-can. They make the place sound great until you get there and suddenly find yourself being arse-fucked into oblivion by an angry, gay, murderer. My point is that there's always a catch, and being a Looper is no exception. One day somebody will get sent back in time for you to kill and as usual you'll put a bullet in their fucking head. Instead of silver however their back will this time be lined with gold. This means your contract has been terminated, you've just killed your future self and now have thirty years left to enjoy your life. I guess that would sort of count as probably the second weirdest suicide since David Carradine tied up his own cock and then wanked himself to death in a wardrobe.

I should also mention that at some point between now and 2044 certain humans have begun to develop minor telekinetic powers. There's no explanation as to how this has happened but I reckon it's got to be a result of all our wireless technology slowly fucking with our brains. I spend so long with a laptop resting over my balls that if I'm not infertile by now then any child of mine will definitely be born with some sort of genetic mutation. I'm hoping that my offspring will have powers to save the world but knowing my luck it'll probably just end up with four arms and autism.

Looper is directed by Rian Johnson whose first feature film, Brick, is probably one of my all time favourites. Beyond his ability to tell a complicated story in an entertaining way, that movie deserves to get him credit for simply making school-life look pretty interesting. I think I was in education for about seventeen years and the only time that I was less than completely bored was the day a teacher came in having had botched botox injections in her lips. I don't know why she did it but if her aim was to make her mouth look like King Kong's arse hole then the operation was a great success. With this in mind, another movie by Rian Johnson was therefore something that I was particularly excited about.

Anyway so I guess the first thing that should be said about Looper is just how phenomenal JGL's performance is. It's a credit to his acting that despite him being the main character, it feels a lot more like a Bruce Willis film. Not because Willis steals his scenes particularly but because JGL's replication of his mannerisms are absolutely spot on. In fact, JGL is genuinely as believable here as the young Bruce Willis as the current Pope is with his portrayal of the young Emperor Palpatine. There's a cool scene in which JGL meets Willis in a cafe and we get to see the two performances brilliantly match up for the first time. It's during this encounter that JGL angrily tells his older self that his, “face is on backwards”. Bruce may be looking old but that's clearly an insult written for Mickey Rourke. The first time I watched The Wrestler it took me ten minutes to realise the mouldy, tenderised bit of beef on screen was the main character.

I've always thought that Willis plays two different types of character which is either 'himself' or 'not himself'. Meaning that he basically either plays a variation of John McClane or he plays the complete opposite of it. I guess 12 Monkeys would be an example of the complete opposite in which he spends half the film dribbling like John Travolta's arse-hole at a massage parlour, allegedly. However, interestingly, in Looper, we kind of get a mixture of both performances. For the most part, Willis's character is understandably subdued. Not only is his younger self trying to kill him but he's also been sent back in time after the death of his future wife. I guess that must be as confusing as waking up the next morning and realising you've just started a restaurant chain with Arnie and Stallone. I've never owned a restaurant but if I did, I'd hope my business partners weren't a giant Austrian pervert and a down-syndrome chimp with a plastic forehead.

This mellow performance led me to question why it was they decided Bruce Willis should play the older character. It's not that he wasn't good but I just wondered what he was bringing to the table that any other actor of his age couldn't. About three quarters in, I got my answer when Willis temporarily becomes John McClane again and massacres about twenty people in ten seconds. The only other two actors with the baggage to believably do that are ironically Willis's Planet Hollywood colleagues. However despite Arnie and Stallone's action background, the one minor thing that Willis has over them is his ability to perform language. I do love Arnie but there's no denying that at times his voice does sound like a gay lion having an orgasm. Whereas Willis here exudes a combination of masculinity and vulnerability, the best Stallone could have brought to the table is an ability to grunt audibly through his odd face, which is like the backend of a misshapen ball-sack.

In terms of inspiration, Looper appears to borrow from a wide range of movie influences. JGL swaggers around like a character from A Bout De Souffle and Willis starts massacring children like a cross between The Terminator and a slightly late Vera Drake. For a film set in the near future, it could easily slip into the world of Blade Runner so it was interesting to see that the second half of the movie  takes place almost entirely on a farm. There was this one time I tried to Google the character 'Beast' from X-men and found a link to a bestiality website by mistake. I didn't want to click on it but it felt too wrong not to and so I ended up watching several tense seconds of a woman in a stable sucking off a horse. It's a credit to the originality of Looper that prominent farmyard movies are so rare, the only other example of one that I could think of involved a slut deep-throating Seabiscuit. As odd as I found that animal porno to be, just think how weird it must be for Sarah Jessica Parker to know her parents filmed her conception.

It's on this farm that Looper appears to change influence again and starts to become a sort of rural Akira. I don't want to give too much away but there's a child here who is the definitive definition of, 'a tiny little bastard'. According to SuperNanny, a child should spend one minute on a naughty step for every year of their life to punish them for misbehaving. However here I think I'd recommend that the stroppy, toddling turd should be held face down in a swamp for ten minutes and repeatedly kicked up the arse until it dies. After the film, both me and a friend argued the toss about whether or not we'd have murdered the little twat given the opportunity. You know a film is good when its conclusion results in a casual discussion about the merits of infanticide.

There's always a risk with time travel movies that they won't make sense, will contain too many paradoxes or will point to distractingly obvious plot holes. A huge one for me would be The Butterfly Effect in which Ashton Kutcher time travels by reading a diary. Beyond the obvious stupidity of that plot, I just don't find it believable that Kutcher would own any literature more advanced than a pop up book, let alone write something. After seeing Looper, the good news is that here it doesn't really matter- Jeff Daniels tells us not to dwell on such things and ever since he got his tongue stuck to some ice in Dumb and Dumber, I've been a sucker for his wisdom and philosophies. I do have certain questions about Looper’s logic, but that just makes me want to go back and re-watch it to discover the answers.

If there is any issue then for me it would be regarding JGL's actions at the end. I won't ruin it but for me he did something which seemed a little out of character. However I've only seen it once and so it's probably my own fault for not picking up on certain signs or hints. This reminds me of a video I saw online in which you're asked to count how many times a group pass a ball between each other. Afterwards, the video then asks if you saw the gorilla that casually wondered into shot and gave a little wave. Most people are so busy counting, the ape goes past completely unnoticed. It's an interesting experiment with the bloke in the gorilla suit giving a far superior performance to anything Danny Dyer could even dream of. My point is that Looper is such a layered, brilliant film, I'm sure JGL's character acts perfectly appropriately. Though, because there's so much to take in on first viewing, I'll just have to find out how it does all completely work together next time. Either way, it makes a nice change to see an intelligent blockbuster that requires repeat viewing to fully get to grips with it. I saw The Fifth Element once and the only question I was left with was; ‘what the fuck is Chris Tucker’ and ‘why is it allowed to live?’

Anyway, so obviously I was quite a fan of the film Looper. I've been waffling for a while now and not even mentioned everything from the great script to the performance by Emily Blunt. There are too few decent roles for women in cinema at the minute and so Blunt's complex but sympathetic character was also a refreshing change. I always find it odd that good female roles are rare as not only can women act but I prefer looking at the boobs on them to those on most male actors. Although having said that, I've noticed Val Kilmer has a cracking pair of titties on him these days so I guess it's all just swings and roundabouts. Either way I can't recommend this film enough to anybody. As movies go, it’s definitely one for the brain and contains the only bit of advice you'll ever need to know to survive the future; “Go to China”. Whilst I've got the chance, I'd like to pledge my allegiance to the Chinese government and ask them to simply show me mercy when they eventually decide to strike. So Zài Jiàn and Xie xie motherfuckers!

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