22 September 2015

A Film For Actual Teenagers?

There's a scene in American Pie in which the main character gets a girl into his room and secretly films her getting her tits out on his webcam... I guess nothing smacks of hilarity like a sex crime. Call me a prude but when I was a teenager I had higher ambitions than simply getting drunk and finding a girl to cram my balls into. As a result I pretty much hated every bigger budget teen movie that I saw thanks to their complete obliviousness of my life. I suppose there's meant to be an aspirational element to all of those films in which brain-dead frat boys get their steroid-shrivelled cocks sucked off by a gang of crab-riddled, cheerleading slags. The reality is however that rather than spending a couple of hours feeling like I was part of their gang, I was left to return to a life of feeling left out. Was that what I was meant to be doing? I think that during my teenage years I spent more time trying to think of a particularly witty suicide note than I did about getting laid. In fact, being the depressed geek that I was I did actually come up with one that would depressingly also apply to the oft-fucked and vaginal-stinking 'jocks'. To put it simply, “So long and thanks for all the fish”.

Cinema Needs Faces

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Don't you just hate people and their big punchable faces. It's just a skin-mask featuring their squinty little eyes, fat noses, and a mouth that essentially just acts a delivery system for their ill-informed and unwanted bullshit. Well- not so, according to director David Cronenberg, who argues that “the essence of cinema is a human face speaking”. That might be a bit rich coming from a man who's made a career from mutating peoples bodies and having Jeff Goldblum's dick drop off, but despite my ingrained sense of misanthropy I can't help but agree with him. Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master is a perfect example of this with there being almost no obvious plot and about as much action as you'd find in a horny Nun's bed as she lies motionless, alone, and in denial. Unlike most modern movies, there's no superheroes or aliens, no shared universe or exploding buildings. It's just a freaky looking man with a cleft lip talking to a fat man with a moustache and it's fucking amazing.

6 September 2015

Inside Out Excels For Knowing That Females Are People Too!

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As an only child that went to an all boys school and who has since become almost terminally single, I grew up in complete fear of all woman-kind. I mean.. what were they?! They liked dolls, the colour pink, and would one day grow two massive arse cheeks on their chest for babies to suck on. I was predominately exposed to females through the goggle-box which terrified me with images of Bonnie Tyler screaming down the camera like the Welsh God of Drunken Anger. Even movies rarely focused on the vagina'd gender unless they were spoon-feeding us a turgid love story about a frumpy tart's desperate attempt to win the heart of some terribly English prick. Talk about boring! As a young boy I didn't care about 'romance' and so found those movies and characters to be about as interesting and relatable as a tiny stain on the rim of a cat's anus. In the years that I've since spent growing up I'd like to think that I've gained some insight, but sadly it seems that most mainstream movies haven't. If you want to see a film starring a woman in the lead role of a movie which doesn't fall into the romance genre, then the odds are she's going to be on her knees as twenty men tug one out around her. Thank God then for Pixar and their new film Inside Out which aims to have a look at a young girls brain and answer the age old question of 'what the fuck is going on in there!?'