We Need To Talk About Us

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Usually when you leave the cinema and the person you're with says that they want to talk “about us” it means that you shouldn't have hidden your dick at the bottom of the popcorn box. With Jordan Peele's latest movie Us though, the very fact that most people will be leaving the cinema and saying “we need to talk about Us”, is pretty much what makes it so brilliant. Us is a Rorschach test of a movie in that it gives enough for you to know that there's a subtext but not so much that the subtext is branded onto your bollocks and obvious for everyone to see. It's the kind of movie that'll live on because everybody will have their own theory as to what it's actually about with 'duality' being the only thing that I suspect that we'll all agree on. The film seems obsessed with the idea that one single thing can hold two opposing meanings or ideals with the broader message being that we can be our own worst enemies. So when you're leaving the cinema and the person you're with says, “we need to talk about us”, there's always the chance that they mean, “I'd like to talk about the themes of the film we've just seen”, whist at the same time also meaning, “plus you're dumped for putting your dick in the popcorn box”.

Bigmouth Strikes Again

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Wes Anderson's vastly underrated The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou tells the story of an oceanographer that intends to hunt a rare shark after it had previously eaten his friend. When he finds it, his plan is to kill it, although he's not quite sure how yet.. “maybe dynamite”. When asked what the scientific purpose of killing the shark might be, Zissou thinks for a second and then deadpans his response, “revenge”. Jason Statham's latest film The Meg is pretty much that exact same movie but rather than having the genius stylings of Wes Anderson and the comedy God Bill Murray, it has The Stath and a massive fuck-off Shark. Did you see the film Spy in which Statham played an exaggerated version of his on-screen persona? Well in that he's constantly exaggerating about all of the mad shit that he's supposedly done and it wouldn't be out of the question for him to have claimed that he'd kicked a pre-historic shark in the fucking teeth. In which case I'd say that The Meg is actually a remake of The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou but if the script had been re-written by The Stath's character from Spy. 

King Of Clowns

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It tells the story of a creature that is tormenting the children of a town called Derry by taking the form of their biggest fears. Imagine a 1970's BBC presenter but that lives in the sewers and has slightly less embarrassing hair and you're basically there. A few years ago I got a little too stoned, downed a boiling-hot mug of hot chocolate, tried to tug myself off, felt ill because of the drink, accidentally fell asleep, and then woke up six hours later with chocolate caked around my mouth and my cock still in my hand. If I'd seen this shapeshifting monster as a child then I'm pretty sure that it'd have known my biggest fear and simply transformed into how I am now. Based on the 1986 novel by Stephen King, this film will forever join John Carpenter's The Thing on a list of titles that will sound like you're providing zero information to non-film fans that have just asked “What did you watch last night?” Or at least it would if it didn't seem like this film was already more popular than sliced bread, the Minions, and the concept of sending 'dick-pics'. When the first trailer for It went online it broke all records for the amount of views that it had, and, if how full the screening that I was in is anything to go by, the film will likely do very well at the box office. Although if the screening I was in is anything to go by then I'd like to ask the marketers to in future stop making their films seem so appealing to stupid fucking cock-munchers that can't sit the fuck still or shut the fuck up for a couple of hours.