24 November 2014

A Journey Into The Mysterious Hole

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Science seems like a fairly interesting subject so I have to give credit to my school teachers for making it seem so fucking boring. In fact at this point, I think the majority of my scientific knowledge comes from Breaking Bad which I suspect was dubious at best. In school they taught me that friction will slow a tennis ball after it's rolled down a slope. How fucking mind blowing... In Breaking Bad though, I saw Walter White throw a bag of white shit at a wall and the whole thing fucking exploded. I don't even care if it's possible, that's science, bitch!! To be honest, I'm generally one of those people who doesn't care how something works so long that it does. Do I need to know how it's possible for me to get an internet signal on my phone wherever I am? Nope! But the knowledge that I can be anywhere in the world and still have access to hardcore pornography is more than comforting. 

17 November 2014

Crazy As Hell

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There are two directors with similar names and who have had two very different careers. The first is Paul Thomas Anderson and the other is Paul W.S.Anderson. Paul Thomas Anderson is the man behind such masterpieces as There Will Be Blood and Magnolia whereas W.S. Anderson is responsible for such shite as AVP: Alien Vs. Predator and the ball-haemorrhagingly dull Resident Evil. Anyway, so if you too find it difficult to keep track of which is which, I have a handy little tip to help you remember. Just imagine that P.T stands for Pretty Terrific whereas as W.S stands for Wanky Shit. It works for me, so you're welcome! Anyway- bearing in mind that I know the poor fucker as Paul Wanky Shit Anderson, I was always curious about his 1997 sci-fi film Event Horizon. There really is no denying how crap his films are however this one seems to have become a bit of a cult hit and not just in a The Room style 'what-a-load-of-shite-that-is' way. Not only that but I listen to a lot of podcasts because they're easier to deal with than real friends and Empire Magazine's one bangs on about this film almost every week. I therefore decided to gamble an hour and a half of my life on their recommendation... Although fuck it, I'm single so it's not like I had anything better planned than tossing off and having a cry.

10 November 2014

What Are You Thinking?

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Relationships are a tricky thing to balance. It's all about consideration, compromise and not laughing in your partners fucking face when they say something stupid. Believe it or not but I had a girlfriend once and she used to come out with some right shit. There was this one time that she was awake at like 2 o' clock in the morning and so I said, "you're up late" to which she genuinely responded with, "I'm a plate?" Anyway she was a raving psychopath as it turned out and so her undeniable stupidity at least wasn't her worst trait. I won't go into the details except to say that her subsequent actions near the end of our relationship left me somewhat damaged and for at least a year I became I massive raging sexist. "Why would anybody want to go near girls?" I'd wonder to myself as I'd scratch out the eyes of women in fashion magazines. I've gotten better since then and, although women still insist on trampling all over my heart like they're using it to get dog shit off their shoe, I've come to a new conclusion. Women aren't as evil as I at one point suspected but rather they're a completely different species. I don't think either of us are bad, it's just that we think on a slightly different wavelength. Then again, I have female friends that I love so maybe it's just my taste in people I want to bang. I'm still single now so if you're around my age, nice looking and totally fucking deranged then give me a shout.

3 November 2014

Hell Hath No Fury

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There's a person in my life who I can't stand. I won't refer to them by name but if you're reading this, you leather-faced old bitch, then I hope you fucking die. Just so that you have something to imagine, she's coated in three inches of fake sun-tan and has wrinkles so deep that she looks like a satellite photo of a mud slide. If you can picture a pair of testicles that somebody has stuck some googly eyes and a frowny face onto then you're pretty much there. Anyway, the hag pisses me off to the point that often I'll call somebody up to vent to. On one occasion this just happened to be my Mum where I said that I wished that this person would get stabbed in the face and bleed to death. That was fine. Then I said that I hoped they'd get cancer of the soul, painfully slip away into the afterlife and then spend an eternity boiling in a pool of hot, molten shit. It was at that point that my Mum started having a go at me for wishing cancer on somebody. Where's the fucking consistency there? Apparently it's okay to hope somebody gets a sharp blade jammed into their face but not to wish they get a fairly common disease. My Mum said it was different because anybody can get cancer. Who'd have thought that saying "I'm pretty sure anybody can get stabbed in the face, too" would lead to such an argument?

Hooray For Chavs

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I was talking to a girl the other day when I was suddenly faced with a tricky decision. We'd somehow gotten onto the subject of UFOs when she revealed that she believed in them, before asking what I thought. Now, obviously I don't believe in Flying Saucers because I'm not a fucking idiot, so what was I meant to do? Lie and tell her that I thought that a group of green men with fat heads were out playing silly buggers with our crops and stuffing things up our arses? I couldn't do that even if I was trying to get into her pants! No, I'm afraid my only option was to tell the truth and unintentionally make her look like a right dickhead. So no sex for me, but at least I didn't have to pretend that I thought Plan 9 From Out Of Space was a fucking documentary. I'm not, by the way, saying that I don't believe in aliens. The universe is a big place and I've seen enough weird shit on this planet alone to think that life elsewhere seems more than plausible. There was this one time for example where my rabbit shat himself so badly that the crap got wedged up his arse hole. Flies then laid eggs in this mess without us realising it and before we even knew what had happened, they'd hatched. I don't believe that aliens visit our planet, however I don't think that we can rule out the possibility of life elsewhere- having seen maggots survive in the hostile regions of my rabbits anus.