Her Heart Will Go On

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Alita: Battle Angel begins with Christoph Waltz finding a robotic head in a landfill site which is lucky for him. When I was a kid the most exciting thing that I found lying around was a porno mag in the bushes and the pictures in it were so rank that I think it actually set my development back a few years. But this film is set in the future where finding robot heads is apparently not a huge deal and I presume that porn mags have been replaced with a chip in your brain and some kind of sci-fi suction device. I'm not sure what kind of sci-fi suction device that might be but I reckon a robotic ladies head that you find in the dump might be a good starting place. From here, Waltz decides to give the lady's detached robotic head a body and bring her back to life which is pretty lucky for her. Most people are perverts and so realistically I think the closest to a body that most people would attach her head to would be a fucking anvil. If anything this film should be like a cross between Pinocchio and one of those documentaries about creepy men that become too attached to their sex dolls. Anyway, it turns out that the robot that Waltz names Alita is actually a three-hundred-year-old fighting machine. So she actually looks pretty good for an older lady considering that she's the same age and level of human that Jackie Stallone is.

Your Skin Makes Me Cry

In many ways, I often feel that Louis Armstrong and I don't exactly see eye to eye... For the last few years I've been living through some sort of existential depression where everything just seems hollow and pointless and more of a drama than it's fucking-well-worth. People make issues out of the smallest of things which is a shame because in the end, nothing really matters, so why not just shut the hell up and enjoy shit whilst you can? At some point the sun is going to expand and eat us all up like the great hungry bastard that it is and let’s face it, who can blame it! Our fiery death will essentially just be a galactic mercy killing so I'm not too worried...  Although that's obviously even presuming humanity gets that far without nuking itself out of existence or dropping down from some pissy little virus that started life up a mutant pigs arse. Whether you help a little old lady to cross the road or instead wander naked into a school and treat the kiddies to an eye full of cock, it ultimately makes no real difference so fuck it, let’s go nuts! Do you know why we, as a species, do the things that we do? Do you know why we drink, gamble, trade life for goods, worship gods, listen to shit-pop, commit suicide or worse yet, watch a Michael Bay film? We do it because society is a crap pot of misery and it's beaten us to the point where our mind has been murdered by mundanity. Provoking apathy is humanity’s way of holding chloroform up to the individuals face before throwing them unconscious to the ground and arse-fucking them into the grave. Life is short and then we're forgotten... And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!

So that's my view of everything, but what exactly is it that director Terry Gilliam thinks, I wonder? Set somewhere in the future, The Zero Theorem is his latest film and stars Christoph Waltz as Qohen Leth- a jittery bald fuck who sits alone in a wrecked church whilst waiting for a phone call that will give purpose to his life. Hmm... actually that's pretty much the entire plot to be honest so I guess explaining any more would literally just be for the sake of padding out this paragraph... oh.. erm.. So, as well as waiting for this call, Waltz also works for a shady corporation who have tasked him with solving a mathematical problem that will prove that all life has no purpose, which is something he is somehow struggling to do. I don't know what the mathematical way of saying “it just fucking is” is, but Waltz seems to be having trouble finding it. Fair play to him though, he does have a lot on his mind. When not sinking into his own existential depressions, waiting for his phone call or working, he is pestered by a few persistent members of humanity. His mate from work, the boss’s son and a tart-with-a-heart all bother him for some degree of human connection which, in this technological utopia, is something that, like your average mopey teenager, he really can't be fucked with. 

This whole party is going on Facebook!

Although Gilliam denies it to be intentional, The Zero Theorem can easily be seen as being the third part of a thematic trilogy beginning with both Brazil and Twelve Monkeys. The bullshit nature of red tape, big business, middle-management, Orwellian control, insanity, fantasy, dreams and the blinding power of the media are issues that are more than explored in each film. In fact, with his bald head, unhinged grasp of reality and rejection of a good job in favour of obsessing over a fantasy, Leth almost appears as though he's the result of a drunken night between Twelve Monkey's Cole and Brazil's Sam Lowry. However whereas those two films dealt with society as it was back in the 80's and 90's, this latest one is Gilliam's response to the world around us now. This film is set in the future although it's easily not that far from today with its depiction of isolation through connectivity. The more that we weld technology to the palm of our hand, the more distanced we seem to become from both reality and each other. As the film goes on Leth seems to get particularly addicted to an online porn type website however any hint of this becoming a reality is rejected instantly... Hmm.. I actually have a mate like that who I hope is reading this now. If you are, I'm sorry it's been so long and I hope we catch up soon! Anyway, as Leth walks down the road he is bombarded by adverts whilst those around him remain ignorant to the world and transfixed on whatever device has replaced their consciousness. Like a concert full of people pointing their iPhones at the band on stage before tweeting it to seven billion people who couldn't give a shit, this is a society that can no longer just live in the moment. To quote the genius of Gilliam himself, “if I were a Native American I’d worry. Every time you take a picture, a little bit of your soul is removed, and we’re soulless people now, having taken so many selfies for so long."

In my humble opinion, the world is of course a purposeless place however as mentioned, another theme of The Zero Theorem is the search for the meaning of life. Leth is waiting for his phone call to explain it all whilst his boss simply wants to prove that everything adds up to zero. Scattered around the streets are posters for various fictional religions with angry nuns prowling the pavements like an army of pissed off and prudish penguins. Videos trying desperately to convince people that buying a particular product will result in some degree of happiness line every square inch of the outside of every building as though civilisation has itself been replaced by a nagging digital prick. The point is that everybody here is simply having their meaning dictated to them. Not only that but in each case, they're wasting what little life they do have by obsessing over it. In fact, Gilliam himself elaborated on this in the same interview I stole his last quote from, “Life has no meaning. It just is. It's atoms and molecules, which double and triple. That’s it. You give meaning to life in what you choose to do and believe in.” Presumably therefore the message of this film really is to not chase after meaning at the expense of simply living. Through an obsession with connecting through technology and chasing after rubbish dreams, people really are running obliviously through their own bullshit existence. The movie may have used a cover of Radiohead's Creep as its theme but it could just as easily have gone for Imagine by every-body’s favourite bullet-magnet and ex-Beatle, John Lennon, “You may say I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one”.

So, yeah... I obviously thought this film was great and simply became another slab of celluloid evidence to validate my love of Terry Gilliam. If movies were edible then Gilliam's would very definitely be the lobster and caviar to Michael Bay's gruel pie with a side order of anorexic cat shit. A Gilliam film however can never be anything other than what it is and this is of course no exception. Twisted visuals, deranged characters and a warped sense of humour identify this as yet another obvious sliver of genius from his clearly mental mind. However a random thing that this did remind me of was David Cronenberg's Cosmopolis. Both films see a long championed auteur return to their favourite themes, feature a solitary character preferring isolation and disconnection to the world around and both essentially take place in the one room. Both as well attracted fairly mixed reviews with some people saying that they hadn't quite hit the heights of their previous work with others just boning off the fact that we're lucky enough to still have them making movies. Clearly I belong to that later camp although that's not to say I think this is as good as Brazil. The Zero Theorem is more ram-shackled than his previous work with the plot being like a trampy whore’s pubes in comparison to Brazil's elegant dame’s lady fluff. Despite that previous remark as well, there's a vein of smutty humour here that perhaps doesn't work quite as well as some of the satire. It's not like this has become Carry On Cyber-Tits or anything like that but just that perhaps the random boob shots just aren't as funny as we know Gilliam can be. Although it's still funny and you get to see some boobs so who’s really complaining?

Just out for a breath of fresh air...

However Gilliam, not up to his absolute highest of standards, still results in a film that towers over almost everything else that gets spunked onto a screen. The film has more insightful things to say in one paused frame than most people manage in a lifetime of blabbing which is impressive considering how much some people refuse to just shut the fuck up. Christoph Waltz is also really great in the lead role here too and really proves that he has the talent to match those two Oscars that he won for playing the exact same character in two of Tarantino's epic indulgences. I mean obviously all of the cast are brilliant to be honest, it's just that Waltz probably deserves special mention because he's in every fucking scene. Anyway, by now I guess you'll have either seen the film or probably already made your mind up about whether you should, so I'll wrap all this up. They say that the best films reflect back at you an aspect of yourself or society that you can relate to the most and this is definitely a good example of that. As I said at the start, provoking apathy is the date-rape drug of the individual however if there's one release then I'm sure it must be art. Art helps us cope with our issues which, on this lonely rock we call home, we definitely have plenty of. People ignore each other in favour of showing kindness. They tweet when they should talk. They hate when they should embrace. Everyday people die with their shitty un-ambitious dreams left completely unfulfilled and within the week it's as though they never existed. This film reflects all of that and for two brief hours Gilliam gives comfort to the miserable fucks like me who are convinced that life is a cunt... and I think to myself what a wonderful world!

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The Good, The Bad, and The Racists

Because I live in a predominantly white area, racism is just something I don't understand. I think there must be one black family who live near-ish by and whenever I spot them I have to stop myself from staring. Not because I have any ill will towards them but because it's just so rare to see someone here even slightly darker than pure cracker-white. In fact the only exposure I really get to what racism might be like is the abuse I receive from my friends. On the Dulux skin colour chart I would say I'm only a shade below Wookie brown but even that's enough for me to be the group’s 'token darky'. They've never said it out loud but I know that if we lived in a horror movie they'd expect me to die first out of a simple respect for the rules. 

Thank fuck he's dead.

As everyone will be aware, Django Unchained is a Western that deals with the subject of racism and slavery. Director Tarantino has actually been referring to this as ‘a Southern’, due to it's location but I think that's more because he arrogantly just likes the idea of inventing a new genre. So the Western begins with the bounty hunter Dr King Schultz freeing Django, a slave who can help him identify his current targets. In case you can't tell by the name, Schultz is a German, but don't hold that against him. Played by Christoph Waltz, the bounty hunter has to be one of Tarantino's more likeable characters which isn't difficult when he's surrounded by a country of bigoted pricks. My knowledge of slavery isn't exactly expert but from what I can tell, America in 1858 was basically the large scale equivalent of a smoky, working men’s club in Salford. It's as though the past is some alternate world in which society was run to the abhorrent values of some ignorant fat shit like Bernard Manning or Jim Davidson. For any non-Brits, those two are basically what racism would look like if it grew a layer of slimy flesh and an unsightly pair of man tits.

So Schultz makes two promises to Django, if he will aid him in finding his targets. The first is that he will allow the man his freedom and the second is that he will help him find his wife Broomhilda. Apparently slaves back then weren’t allowed to get married but some people just don't want to do as they're told. As a result, Django and his wife were split up which is a punishment that ironically most married couples would these days relish. As it unfortunately turns out though Broomhilda now belongs to DiCaprio who treats slaves with sheer malice in an attempt at win any acting award that he can. Therefore Django and Schultz are forced to go undercover with the aim being to infiltrate his plantation and get her out. So basically this movie is simply a cross between the underrated Miami Vice and the overrated Blazing Saddles.

Over the years I've regularly found myself slagging off Michael Bay and Tarantino but for significantly different reasons. As a director, Bay is the evil king sitting proudly atop a back catalogue of unfiltered shit and depressingly high profits. Tarantino on the other hand is a film-maker who used to be brilliant until he started to believe his own hype. Bay pisses me off because he can't make good films whereas Tarantino annoys me because he could be doing a lot better. Like a manipulative parent, it's not that I'm angry- I'm just disappointed. Although.. I am angry as well...

I do not need to see that face on the big screen.

Like everyone with at least two working senses, I think that Pulp Fiction is clearly brilliant and Jackie Brown an absolute masterpiece. The reason something like Death Proof irritated me so much was because of how indulgent it was. It was overly long, boring and too derivative of shit movies that we've all tried to forget. If I wanted to watch grainy footage of forgettable actresses screaming I'd probably just check out porn. In Jackie Brown, the dialogue was expertly written to sound like it belonged to its cast of mixed characters. In Death Proof however every syllable sounded like it belonged to a person who if interviewed might threaten to shut someone's butt down. Although, if there's one thing more irritating than everybody sounding like him, it's Tarantino's insistence on cropping up in his own films. Watching one of his movies is like walking home in the dark when there's a rapist on the loose. You're just constantly on edge waiting for the moment of horror when he jumps out with his massive fucking chin.

Having now seen Django Unchained, it's obvious that it's certainly not his best film but nor is it his worst. In fact for the first couple of hours, I really enjoyed it as the two main characters travelled around bonding and shooting the crap out of people. It kind of felt a little bit flabby like a fat girl in need of a corset, but fuck it- it was still good fun. The problem was that after a while it just started to go on and on and on. Without giving too much away, the film seems to climax in a pretty cool shootout and then appears to end in an ambiguous Butch and Sundance kind of way. This would have been fine but then the movie kicks back in and goes on for what felt like another nine days.

"You call that an accent?!"

To make matters worse, the scene in this surprise fifth hour is bloody awful. So bad in fact, you wonder if the people involved had been held hostage and this was their way of warning us that something was wrong. I'm a huge fan of Wolf Creek and so got a little bit too excited when I heard that John Jarrett had been cast in this. But when he turned up, he was in the company of two other people. One was Michael Parks and the other was fucking Tarantino. Michael Parks always pisses me off because he mumbles so much I genuinely can't understand a word he says. It's as though every line he delivers is dubbed by Kenny from South Park whilst wearing Bane's breathing mask. But before I could even care about that, Tarantino had opened his mouth and shocked me with the worst performance I've ever seen. I mean- fucking hell- I've never been a fan of his 'acting' in the past but this was something else. The man can have the greatest actors in his movies and yet he repeatedly casts himself as the only person who struggles with his own dialogue. This time however, he decided to stretch himself by playing an Australian. I say Australian but that's only a guess based on the fact that John Jarrett is hovering silently somewhere in the background. As accents go, this is Aussie via Essex after a stroke and being punched in the throat. It's so bad that I forget everything that had happened in the last two and a half hours and just sat there in absolute shock. Considering the film should have ended by now anyway, this was like watching the Captain of the Titanic get to America and then hitting the iceberg because he decided to do a few more laps.

On the bright side, all of the other performances were brilliant and if anything I appreciated them even more after his film-destroying cameo. I also actually thought that a popcorn movie was a brilliant way to demonstrate the horror of what something like slavery must have been like. There's a scene in which two black guys are forced to fight which is genuinely horrible. Beyond the fact that the awfulness is brought home with some unexpected realism, there's also an added layer of guilt in that I had been looking forward to seeing a fight. It's kind of like when you jokingly get two tramps to wrestle over some crack and before you know it one of them has slit the others throat. No matter how much you tell yourself you aren't to blame you'll still feel a tiny bit responsible.

"I did this for you, Oscar!"

I don't think that this kind of film trivialises the issues but instead probably presents them to a larger audience. Paying to see a poe-faced lecture doesn't seem quite as appealing as a film in which DiCaprio self harms for an Oscar and smears his blood over the rest of the cast. I also don't think there should be any controversy about the films use of the word 'nigger'. I know in general Tarantino seems fairly obsessed with it but here is a genuine reason for its use. Nobody is arguing that people back then used the word less than is presented in this film so really- what's the problem? I suspect it's just another example of society trying to hide its shame by passing the blame onto cinema. I'd mention the constant accusations of movies encouraging gun violence but I could probably write an entire blog on why that's complete and utter shit. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. But people kill people a hell of a lot easier when they have access to guns. The only film that's made me want to kill was Battlefield Earth and that's only because it was so bad I felt like topping myself to forget.

In the end though, Django Unchained is exactly what you'd expect from a Tarantino film. It's got a great soundtrack, brilliant acting, mostly witty dialogue and is indulgently long. It kind of pisses me off the way he steals shots and music from other people’s movies but here, he mostly gets away with it simply because the characters are so strong. That last point goes both ways though so I don't sound like I'm picking on just him. In Ridley Scott's American Gangster he stupidly uses Bobby Womack's Across 110th Street which thanks to Jackie Brown couldn't belong more to Tarantino if he pissed on it and shoved it up his arse. I know QT stole that song from a film of the same name too but fuck it; it's hard to find anything completely original in one of his movies. Because of his cinematic kleptomania, he has been referred to a 'DJ director' but lets face it- that's not an excuse that would stand up in court is it? If I refurbished my house with furniture I'd stolen from mates I couldn't use the excuse that I was a 'DJ Interior Designer' no matter how nice the room ended up looking.

Don't say anything...

Despite all that moaning though, I did genuinely like the film which for the most part was really good fun. I'd be curious to know what any black people actually made of it because it seems that for the most part it's really a bunch of well meaning honkey's getting angry or defensive on their behalf. As mentioned at the start- with me being a middle-class and mostly-white chap, I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about when it comes to prejudice. When I was about eight-years-old I curiously asked an Asian girl why she had a moustache which resulted in her calling me a racist but if anything I asked with admiration and jealousy. As a brief introduction to slavery, this film was genuinely a real eye opener and if anything added to my confusion. I just don't understand how people can be so cruel simply based on the colour of somebody’s skin. If we're going to start making ignorant snap judgements then why focus on black people? There's an entire country of French people that we've just been allowing to live in freedom for far too long.

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Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.

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