A Dog Eat Dog World

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The day that I got my dog she ran around the house as though her tail was on fire before finally jumping up onto my Dad's lap to say 'hello'. He'd been reluctant to get her in the first place and so I feel that this was her way of setting things straight and assuring him that everything would be alright. She sat upright, made eye contact, they had their moment, and then she bit him right on the tit. What a good dog. I couldn't love her more! In fact, doesn't everybody love dogs? Even Hitler loved his dog and by all accounts he's gone down in history as quite the rotter. Director Wes Anderson's latest is the stop-motion movie Isle Of Dogs which some astute film-goers have cleverly noted sounds a little like 'I love dogs'. Kind of like nosh it sounds a bit like no shit I guess. Set in Japan in the not too distant future, the film tells of a prejudiced leader that banishes all dogs to a nearby island after they all catch a canine flue. Sadly this island is also where they dump all their rubbish because otherwise I'm pretty sure that they could have made a fucking fortune with the tourist industry. People pay to eat their lunches in cat cafes already and so who wouldn't pay to holiday on an island of dogs? I'd much rather go for a nature walk whilst surrounded by man's best friend than try to enjoy the soup of the day as one cat wretches up a fur ball and another proudly licks its fucking arse.

How To Catch A Predator

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In 1987, a crack team of steroid-addled super men were slaughtered by a vagina-faced space-Rastafarian as they fucked about on a jungle mission. Thirty-one years later however it seems that director Shane Black has managed to find something even more terrifying than that first film's monster for his sequel The Predator. Sure the first movie's beastie was scary, with its towering height, mouth pincers, and shoulder cannons... but this film stars Jake Busey. JAKE FUCKING BUSEY for fuck's sake! Have you seen him in The Frighteners and Contact? He's literally a thing of nightmares. He's got the kind of creepy face and intense stare that should only ever be seen peering out of a haunted mirror in an old German fairytale. But he's worse because he's also a real man that walks our actual planet in real life! Sure he's only in this movie for a few minutes in the beginning but that's honestly enough to put the shits up me. I can understand a creature that's from another planet existing, but imagine something that started life in the ball-sack of Gary Busey. You'd be freaked out if you found a sentient creature living up Nick Nolte's arse or between Meatloaf's tit-folds, so why do we just accept a man that made his journey to Earth via Gary Busey's dick?!

Bad Habits Die Hard

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Set in 1952, The Nun begins in Vatican City with the resident priests having received some terrifying news. Although.. I went to Vatican City last year for a holiday and I can tell you that the only terrifying thing about that place is how much the bastards will charge you to let you in. Rather than being an upcoming police investigation into centuries of child abuse however, the priests are actually worried about a Romanian nun that has committed suicide. Suspecting that something sinister might be at play, they decide to recruit a humourless Bruce Campbell look-a-like to go to her monastery and discover the cause of her actions. I guess they assume that it's more likely that she was attempting to escape a demon than this simply being what happens when you ban people from fapping. In this particular case they also happen to be right with The Nun being the latest instalment in the shared universe of The Conjuring movies. If you liked The Sound Of Music but wondered if there was a film about nuns that you could watch that would be half as long but twice as fucking boring then this is the one for you!

Mutey And The Beast

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The Shape Of Water really does bring new meaning to the phrase 'sleeping with the fishes'. I hate to sound bitter but it is a massive slap in the face when even a fucking swamp-monster manages to pull with more ease than I do. Set in 1962, the film tells the story of a mute person working as a cleaner played by Sally Hawkins as she finds an aquatic-man-thing locked up in the secret Government building she's working at. Over the course of the movie the two form a bond and ultimately fall in love.. which really rubs dirt into the wound of my own parents' divorce. My Mum and Dad couldn't find anything in common after twenty years of marriage and yet here a fishman manages to form a connection with a woman simply because she sneaks him the odd snack whilst at work. Of course I'm all for office romances but it's unusual for one of the happy couple to have fucking gills. All of this is of course going on behind the back of Michael Shannon's head of security who simply wants to cut the creature up because, despite his claims that he wants to learn from it, he really just fucking hates it. Usually you might imagine he'd encourage his colleagues to take their work home with them, but he does seem somewhat less impressed when that work is a fish-monster, and what they want to do is to shove it up themselves. I can appreciate it might be tricky for Hawkins' mute cleaner to find a boyfriend, but perhaps she should try Tinder before literally taking the advice of 'hopping onto Plenty Of Fish'.