28 January 2019

Coasting Along

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It's not that I don't love Clint Eastwood but I had pretty low expectations when going to see his latest film The Mule. I mean, obviously he's made some stone-cold classics with Unforgiven being one of the greatest films of all time. But Eastwood waited a decade to make that film because he wanted to be the old man that the character he was playing was. And that's exactly what he was in that film. An old broken man. That was also almost thirty fucking years ago and somehow the old prick is still going strong. Well, I say strong... Some of his more recent films have been like when an old person tells a story that seems to last forever and you just wish for a plane crash to improve them. Although in the case of Sully: Miracle On The Hudson even the plane crash didn't help. Grandpa Simpson tells those exact kinds of boring stories and we let him off because we understand that he's doing it because he's old. Grandpa Simpson is 83 years old which, as I write this, is actually five fucking years younger than Eastwood himself.

21 January 2019

This Glass Is Half Empty

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If M. Night Shyamalan filmed himself taking a dump into a flower pot and then kicked it at a stray cat then I'd consider him a genius. Not because of that but because he directed the masterpiece Unbreakable and nobody will ever be able to take that away from him. We all remember Lord Byron for being one of our greatest poets and yet we don't let his genius be tainted by the fact that he used to collect his lover's pubic hair in a carefully organised file. I think that the same should apply to Shyamalan with Unbreakable being proof of his genius and with the rest of his movies being his file of matted pubes. Also if Shyamalan did film himself crapping into a flower pot and then kicking it at a cat then it'd still be a better movie than The Last Airbender. I enjoyed his The Visit and I was really enjoying his Split until the final few seconds revealed it to be a secret Unbreakable sequel and I lost my shit. I was so excited to see Bruce Willis's David Dunn back and I was even more excited to see what was going to happen next. I really wanted to like this new film too simply to be able to use the pun that Glass was smashing!

14 January 2019

Unbreakable - Kind Of A Miracle

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There's no denying that Albert Einstein was a genius and without his laws of relativity we wouldn't be where we are today. Not that I have a clue what his laws of relativity really are, by the way. I know that they're something to do with space and time but space and time are also the two most basic elements of a sumo match and I don't think he invented the concept of fat blokes shoving each other around. I do know however that Einstein used to wear a silk gown in which he'd intentionally whip his dick out at random women and then attempt to seduce them if they didn't respond with too much disgust. I also know that the word 'genius' is thrown about a little too much these days and should really only be reserved for world-changing flashers like Einstein. But I believe the film director M. Night Shyamalan to fit the criteria despite almost all evidence to the contrary. Sure he hasn't come up with some Earth shattering theory that explains something about gravity and I don't think he's even responsible for creating a single traditional Japanese sport. However, and I don't mean to be hyperbolic here but Shyamalan did something much more impressive then either of those two things combined. He wrote and directed the 2000 masterpiece Unbreakable.