26 July 2015

Was It Right To Get Rid Of Wright?

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I understand that most people actually have a life and so for those who don't know, I'll explain the situation. Basically, Ant-Man sounds like a really, really shit title for both a super-hero and a film. If you're unaware of the character's history then you'd be forgiven for imagining that he's the name of a cheap knock-off Spider-Man toy that some grotty fucker's trying to flog down the market. Even Marvel Studio's weren't that arsed about making his movie a priority until they were convinced of its potential by Geek King, writer/director Edgar Wright. For most movie nerds that name could be attached to a script called, “Sifting Through Gary Busey's Actual Shit” and we'd still be excited. As a result, the appeal to most people wasn't so much in the idea of seeing a super-hero who can shrink down to the size of a genital wart but rather in simply seeing Wrights mad-cap, kinetic, directorial style applied to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Sadly however, and after working on the film with co-writer Joe Cornish for over a decade, Wright abruptly left a few weeks before filming was due to begin. At this point we're still not entirely sure of the circumstances in which Marvel and Wright were forced to part ways, with both sides currently only explaining the event with the dreaded 'C-word'... Creative differences!*

19 July 2015

What A Disaster!

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People often describe big Hollywood blockbusters as being like a roller-coaster ride and this is certainly true of San Andreas. Although as anybody whose actually been to a theme-park will know, what this really means is a lot of waiting around followed by about five seconds of fun and then a headache. I honestly don't think I could summarise The Rock's new disaster movie in a more efficient way than that to be honest... Oh wait, yes I could- 'It's a load of shit'. To sum up the plot, I'd say that The Rock plays a helicopter rescue pilot during the worlds worst ever earthquake. Although he does also seem to know how to pilot planes, boats, and hot-wire cars too as though he's jacked into the fucking Matrix. As a result, he actually spends most of the movie sat on his arse and so it's not difficult to see he might fancy a break and take this role on. It's essentially his holiday before he has to go back to work and do some real action. I don't know what's more unbelievable... that you'd hire The Rock and then not utilise the Thor-like power of his body or the fact that a helicopter can get off the fucking ground with him inside it! 

11 July 2015

The Shadows Smile

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If I've learnt one thing in my life it's that if you use the word 'sausage' with anger then nobody will ever take you seriously. I saved myself a sausage for lunch once but by the time I got to it somebody had already cooked and eaten it. I don't know about you but when I'm pissed off, I need people to be apologetic and sorrowful or there's a good chance that I'll begin to over-react. In this instant, I didn't get the response I was hoping for and so what started off as a mild irritation quickly escalated into a full blown shit-fit. The angrier I got, the funnier people seemed to find the phrase “Where's my fucking sausage gone”. I don't think I'll ever fully get over this situation and even now I have abandonment issues where my pork-based snacks are concerned. It was a horrible circle of innuendo, hunger, a lack of perspective, a lack of empathy, and an annoying lack of sausage. I don't remember how the situation ended but based on how angry I was, I probably blacked out.

5 July 2015

My Kind Of Scum

I don't know if it's a mental condition of mine but for some reason I just can't enjoy something once it gets over half way. The knowledge that the end is in sight just taints whatever pleasure I'm having, whether it be a tasty chocolate bar, a holiday, or the second month of what the other person thinks will become a long term relationship. The same is true of watching films, however in their case I think I often have a point. Generally by the time we get to the third instalment of a planned trilogy, something goes titties up and all the hard work that's been done before gets a little shat on. For example, just look at Spiderman 3, X-Men 3, and Debbie Does Dallas 3, which all somehow lack that sense of wonder and excitement that made the first two so gripping. Maybe they felt the need to escalate effects in favour of focusing on character; maybe they'd painted themselves into a corner, or maybe you could simply see the boredom behind Debbie's now cold, soulless eyes. The same rule of diminishing returns is sadly true of Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi. Though, does that film suffer because it is a bad film or simply because its predecessor was arguably one of the greatest films of all time? I say this as though I don't think anybody's seen it and made their own fucking mind up already. But if you keep reading, I can promise a good few dick jokes and a few too many swear words to keep everybody awake.