31 July 2016

Busting Makes Me Feel Good

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Since the announcement of Paul Feig's Ghostbusters reboot, it seems that the world has gone fucking mad. Alleged fans of the original saw an all-female cast and a fresh start for their long dead franchise, and rather than being grateful they reacted by screaming holy fucking jihad. The director and cast began receiving death threats as though they'd organised a mass bonfire of every copy of the original film and just before the burning had started they'd stood on top of the pile and taken one huge collective 'fuck you' dump. Except that's not what they did, is it? They had a vision for a property that had literally done piss-all since its crappy sequel was released in 19-fucking-89 and they made a movie. A movie that up until now nobody in the world had even seen. It's like a child waking up on Christmas day, seeing their un-opened presents, and despite having no idea what's inside, they start crying because it's not what they wanted. Well, as far as I'm concerned, children like that don't deserve presents. They deserve to be drowned in a fucking well.

21 July 2016

Star Trek Into Darkness

Star Trek Into Darkness - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins with Benedict Cumberbatch's John Harrison causing some shit that makes Kirk want to track him down and capture him. However perhaps there's more to this John Harrison than initially meets the eye? Perhaps he's not who we think he is? Perhaps he's somebody a little more iconic that that?! Well, I guess I Khan't tell you either way. Or maybe I can?! Meh, fuck it, he's playing Khan. Obviously. So the first half of the movie has a Godfather 3 style massacre- a villain who does one of those ridiculous 'get captured and then somehow predict everybody's movements' plans, and then it concludes with a spot of Wrath Of Khan karaoke. Oh, and all throughout, the guy who plays Robocop is trying to start a war between the Federation and the Klingons because, you know.. this is an action film and it's nice to see spaceships go 'boom'.

So was it shit or not then? (Spoilers.. obv)

Reviews were initially kind to this movie, however as the years have gone by its reputation has gone down faster than than a cheap whore that'll suck you off for less than a packet of fruit pastels. I think the initial love for it was simply because of how fast it moves and how fun it is and so people weren't given chance to turn against it. But as time has passed and everything it has to offer has sunk in, people have gotten an “it's ripping off the Wrath Of Khan” hump. Which is sort of justified of course, seeing as Kirk's cancery/radiation death is literally identical to Spock's in that earlier movie, but with one small difference. Wrath Of Khan's was between two men that had been friends for over thirty years and so was significantly more emotional. As such, many people feel the scene hadn't earned justification for itself due to this Kirk and Spock being about as moody with each other as a teenager that's been forced to stop tossing off and do some house chores. 

Except in Into Darkness's defence, I don't think its death scene is about Kirk and Spock's friendship, but simply how everything Spock touches turns to shite. His planet his destroyed, his Mum dies, all of his Federation leaders get wiped out, and then after all of that, his new mate dies too. If the Enterprise really was like a ship exploring the vast mysteries of the sea-like universe then I'd have Spock thrown overboard for being a fucking Jonah*. So I don't think we were meant to accept that Pine and Quinto's characters were as close as Shatner and Nemoy's, but rather Spock has finally fucking snapped. Hence him then going after Khan with all the anger and confusion of a man who's just sat down really hard on his own testicles. However if I do have a criticism of that scene being in this movie, it's that the Spock who died in Wrath Of Khan is in this fucking movie too. They even ask Nemoy's Spock about Khan. You'd think might mention “oh yeah.. that Khan's a right prick. By the way.. You know that reactor core thing? Maybe keep a fucking radiation suit by it, yeah?”. I mean that's just basic safety regulation, surely!

I suppose it's also a bit of a problem that Kirk is killed and then resurrected within the space of about ten minutes, which was also after his equally brief demotion and re-promotion had lasted about as long it'd take to have a piss. So I'm not saying that the script couldn't have done with being passed through the common sense machine at least one more time. Plus considering Khan's blood essentially brought Kirk back from the dead, and the film ends with Khan in a freezer, you've essentially removed any sense of threat from the rest of the franchise... whilst also doing the ship's doctor Bones out of a fucking job. And nor, as we discover as the film goes on, am I really sure why Khan thought it was a good idea to hide all of his friends in a load of missiles. Maybe it explained it and I missed it, but as stupid moves go, that is basically the equivalent of hiding your ice-cream in an oven and then wondering why it's melted. Short story.. because you were a dickhead.

I think the other thing people don't like about this movie is that it puts more of a focus on the Federation's militarisation than it does on the crew simply going off for an intergalactic jolly 'oliday. However it does kind of make sense when you consider that this timeline follows on from a film in which the planet Vulcan was destroyed. In which case, as a one off story to tell of the paranoid aftermath of those events, I was pretty happy with what I got. Although considering Vulcan was destroyed by a laser that was dangling from an easily breakable chain, I'm not so sure that they needed an army as much as they simply should have pulled their fucking thumb out and shot it down. Into Darkness might be a bit stupid but it is quite a lot of fun, and in a franchise in which Kirk asks “what does a God need with a Spaceship”, 'stupid but fun' isn't necessarily a step-down.

* Just in case you aren't an 18th century sailer or  haven't seen Master And Commander a 'Jonah' is basically a sailers version of a jinx.


20 July 2016

Star Trek

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Star Trek - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins when the villain, Nero McBlandson, goes through a worm-hole that leads him directly into a franchise reboot. From here he kills Kirk's Dad and alters the timeline just enough that the original fans shouldn't get pissy about the un-canon-ing of their favourite show, but not quite enough to change anything significant. As such, we see Kirk become Captain of the Enterprise with Spock being his right hand man. I guess if your job is to issue orders then it probably helps for your second in command to have a good pair of ears.

So was it shit or not then?

Well surely we all have to admit that this movie is just completely fucking brilliant, don't we? Apparently the fans of the original films and shows hate this movie, but I honestly can't work out why. I mean, it's a prequel, sequel, and re-boot, all at the same time, which is at such a level of genius that I reckon it'd have Steven Hawking's computer shouting “clap, clap, clap”. Over the years I've seen this movie quite a bit, however this was my first viewing having seen every previous film in the franchise. As such, I became kind of worried that this time the performance by Pine and Quinto might pale in comparison to their much more iconic predecessors. Thankfully though this turned out not to be the case as, although Shatner does have his justifiably legendary status, Pine's secret weapon is simply that he can actually fucking act. Nor is it a problem for Quinto either due to Nemoy showing up in the film to point at him and shout “this is me from now on”. Oh and it also helps that the cast are also borderline clones of the original crew. I mean, having looked at the two actors, I refuse to believe that Karl Urban isn't simply what happens when the original Bones dips his balls in a Petri Dish full of stem cells.

One of the things that has changed for me since having watched the original films however is how much more emotional this has become. The opening ten minutes alone has always had me in tears but this time I found myself fighting them back with such regularity that I had to check that I wasn't going through the fucking menopause. Not to slag off the previous movies, but with them I think that I only cried once, and that was tears of joy after The Motion Picture finally ended and I discovered I hadn't actually lost a year of my fucking life to it. In fact, just compare the introduction of the Enterprise in that film to its introduction in this one and you'll see the difference. Here we get one of the most amazing scores of modern times aiding a shot that's like being stabbed in the brain with nostalgia.. in The Motion Picture we got a five minute sequence in which William Shatner gave his best 'fuck-me eyes' to an air fix model.

Not that I'm saying that this newer movie is perfect of course. Eric Bana's Nero is so uncharismatic that I'm presuming the black hole that he travelled through came into existence when he looked into a mirror and accidentally created a vortex of boredom. He's got a weird run too and it's really distracting. It's kind of a waddle you know, like if a fat person had been entered into a 'race for a pie competition'. Or to make that sound more Star Trek-related, it's as if William Shatner had been entered into a 'race for a pie competition'. Oh, and even ignoring Nero, there's a couple of distracting plot-holes scattered throughout. Most notably when Kirk is blasted onto a random part of a random planet and randomly runs into a random cave in which he randomly meets the older Spock. I don't know though, maybe that's how life works. Like if you take three rights you end up going left perhaps when so many things randomly happen like that things lead directly to where you need them to. Which in this movies case, was bullshit.

However that's one gripe in an otherwise brilliant movie. Sure the fans can moan that there was too much action and it lost the intellectual subtlety of what the franchise should be about, but what it lacks in subtext it gains in being the most consistently brilliant film of the franchise since Wrath Of Khan. I'm sorry the movie couldn't please everybody in favour of a the larger audience of general film fans, but to quote Spock “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”, and this movie is fucking brilliant. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

19 July 2016

Star Trek 10: Nemesis

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Star Trek 10: Nemesis - what the fuck is it about?

So the Enterprise is sent to the Romulan council in order to negotiate a peace treaty, for some reason. Not that it matters I suppose considering that they're all instantly killed by a young Tom Hardy. Hardy plays an evil clone of Picard which we as an audience can tell because they're both disgustingly bald. Honestly there were scenes in which the two of them had their naked heads close together in which I couldn't help but think of that moment with Barbara Windsor in Carry On Camping. We're told that this clone exists because the Romulans “somehow” managed to get some of Picard's DNA. We're never told how they managed this, although considering Picard has flirted with at least one alien per new planet, I kind of don't want to know. Even when Picard is looking at Hardy, you can tell he's trying to work out whether banging a clone would count as incest. Anyway, long story short, Hardy needs Picard's blood to live and has decided that he also wants to destroy Earth... because you know.. fuck it, why wouldn't you!?

So was it shit or not then?

It was nice that in this film Hardy didn't just do his usual thing of mumbling, although sadly I still couldn't understand a word that he was fucking saying. I mean, this is a genuine sentence uttered in the movie: “The Son'a, the Borg, the Romulans, the evil Soran, and that pesky Nexus. You seem to get all the easy assignments!”. Sorry, what the fuck did you just say? It got so bad in this movie in regards to all that space gibberish that I actually invented a drinking game whilst watching it. Simply take a shot every time you hear something that you don't understand and then see if you can get to the first half hour without being fucking dead. In terms of Hardy's performance however, although I don't know what the fuck he was saying, I did enjoy him in general. Although he was skinny as hell. I guess this was filmed during that point in which he was enjoying life as a crack-head, which is fair enough. As the film goes on, his character begins to get sicker and sicker.. I'm not sure if this was intentional or if the filming was just dragging on and he was being forced to go cold turkey.

Whereas most franchises are content with just the explosions, Star Trek likes to ask the bigger questions. You know.. the really important things in life such as what would we do without the environment? And what does a God really need with a spaceship? In the case of Nemesis, it seemed to me that the movie was basically just asking 'have you ever considered that your problems could be solved with suicide?' Picard is trying to kill his clone; Data quite literally deactivates a replica of himself, and then the film concludes when a main character Wrath Of Khan's it by sacrificing themselves to save their friends. In every case, it seems that topping yourself isn't the worst idea ever. Even in terms of the franchise this is true. I read that this movie was stupidly released at the same time as one of the Lord Of The Rings films and as such made piss all money. What was the result of this? The franchise basically died before being brought back with the much more accessible and noticeably more profitable reboot. Problem solved!

I did like this film though. It was the first of the Next Generation movies to feel actually cinematic, the action was pretty good, and I did feel some emotion with the concluding sacrifice. I mean the emotion was pretty much just “oh.. never mind” but that's more than I felt at my own granddad's funeral. Who can be truly sad when you know you have a free buffet coming up?! With it's pro top-yourself message however, I just worry now that if I'm ever feeling particularly low and find myself looking at my veins whilst holding a knife, I can't be sure that I won't suddenly hear Patrick Stewart's voice demanding me to “make it so!”.


18 July 2016

Star Trek 9: Insurrection

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Star Trek 9: Insurrection - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins on a planet of Amish type people who seemingly have no idea about the evils of technology. Well, not until Data the robot pops up and kicks the shit out of them anyway. It turns out that Data has been shot, resulting in him going a little mental. Because that's obviously what you want when exploring the dangers of the universe... a machine that will let you know it's malfunctioning by battering the fuck out of you. Picard promptly turns up to stop the android's rampage which he does by singing a Gilbert O'Sullivan song to him. I guess the film-makers were aware that the only way to end an action scene in a more exciting way than with an explosion is to have a bald, Yorkshire bloke turn up and sing the hits of the fucking 70's.

Anyway, it turns out that Data may have been shot to prevent him from uncovering a plot against these boring Amish type people. Despite spending their time by ignoring such electrical joys as the television, iPhone, and the Lovehoney Double-Dip-Delight Dildo, their planets position exposes them to some weird space-rays that allow them to remain youthful forever. Or if not forever then at least long enough that somebody like Cher might want to visit before her skin becomes so tight that her skull manages to rip its way through her face like Alien's fucking chestburster.

So was it shit or not then?

As seems to be the case with the Next Generation movies, it basically felt like an extended episode of the show, and to be fair... it makes the show look shit. Although that image of TubGirl made me never want to take a bath again, and we all know baths are good for you, so I'll keep an open mind. Duration-wise Insurrection manages to be about half an hour shorter than the average Trek movie and about nine fucking years shorter than Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Usually I'd argue that brevity is a good thing, however here it's as though loads of shit has just got chopped out. Sub-plots go seemingly nowhere and the theme of the movie remains as unexplored as Picard's personal barbershop. For example, one of the many subplots that goes nowhere is Picard's love of one of the planet's locals. However after ninety minutes of flirting they don't even kiss, which is odd, especially considering that Insurrection is really just a compound of both 'insert' and 'erection'.

Also the Starfleet's Prime Directive states that when exploring a new planet there should be “no interference with the social development of said planet”. As such, this movie is about Picard standing up for what's right for the Amish-like people against the hypocrisy of Starfleet's order to move them. However the movie fails to explore the idea that, firstly, pretty much every planet the crew have visited has been interfered with; secondly, when Kirk and Picard were visiting, most of the female aliens on said planets have been interfered with; and thirdly, it probably would be for the greater good that this small civilisation be relocated in order for scientists to fully examine these 'everlasting youth rays'.. and was it not Spock that said “the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many”? It seems like this would have been a great chance for the film to address the franchises own hypocrisies regarding that Prime Directive whilst examining the morality between the Prime Directive and Spock's mantra.

Also I depressingly didn't even have to Google the directive or the Spock quote.. I am enjoying this franchise over all, but if its mission was to turn me into a fucking nerd then I can't help but feel it's made it so. And I am enjoying this franchise, and I did enjoy Insurrection to a degree. It had some good action, nice half-developed ideas, and the villain was fun. Imagine an alien that's had so much plastic surgery that it's as though he's had his scrotum stapled across his face and you're pretty much there. If you can't manage that then just picture Mickey Rourke.

17 July 2016

Star Trek 8: First Contact

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Star Trek 8: First Contact - what the fuck was it about?

So I guess this is really the first movie to show just the Next Generation team in action, and I did like the variety of Mr Wharf, Data, and Picard. With them, you have a dark-skinned Klingon, a pale android, and grossest of all... a fucking bald man. This time however we're told that “The Borg have gone back in time in order for them to be able to assimilate the future” Or to put it another way.. “some sci-fi shit is happening and so let's crack on”. In this movie, Patrick Stewart must go back in time to prevent past events from destroying the future, although unlike in Days Of Future Past, this time he actually gets off his lazy arse and goes himself. Oh, and this time, the villains are the previously mentioned Borg who travel around annoying people in giant metal cubes. So I guess they're a bit like intergalactic caravaners. The only thing is that the Borg aren't actually shown for ages and so all you know is that parts of them are made of metal and they like whatever room they're in to be uncomfortably hot. So for the first half of the movie I was basically just picturing my Nan.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, there's a lot of reference throughout to Picard having been previously tampered with by the Borg in the TV show. But all we really get to see of this is a quick flash back of him having a drill stabbed into his eyes, which coincidentally reminded me of what it felt like to watch Star Trek: The Motion Picture. But to somebody that's only watching the films this aspect is a little confusing, especially considering it adds basically nothing to the story except occasionally making Picard angry for no real reason. But if you can all recall, it really only takes the sight of James Cordon hosting an award ceremony to make Patrick Stewart angry, and I didn't need to watch a TV show to understand that. It was pretty fucking obvious that he was pissed.

In fact, the whole movie kind of just felt like a big-budget episode of a TV show really, with its only claim to being cinematic being that it's a TV show that's dressed up in sci-fi clothes. So, you get a couple of space-based dog-fights and explosions that cause people to comically trampoline around the Enterprise Bridge as though they're the silhouetted ladies from the opening titles to a Roger Moore Bond film. But it really doesn't look like a movie. I mean, even in terms of design you can tell that the Shatner films originate from a 60's sensibility, because everything is made of lava-lamps and would be pretty fucking fun to stare at when stoned. However when looking at everything here, the only real thing that dates it to the 90's is the ageing CG and that last few survivors of Patrick Stewart's hair. Oh, and as much as I do love Stewart, to somebody with my experience of Star Trek, this crew just really doesn't feel as iconic as the big-eared Spock or the sausage-shaped Kirk.

Having said all that, I did enjoy First Contact for what it was. The Borg's Queen was a cool character, although when she announced that she “brings order to chaos” it made me see her as less as a villain and more as the woman who could sort out the queueing system at my local chippy. Oh, and I do like Data too. At one point, and despite being a robot, the Queen asks him how long it's been since he last got laid, to which he responds “Eight years, seven months, sixteen days, four minutes, twenty-two seconds”. It's getting depressing how much I relate to him. Still it's enjoyable to see him essentially deconstruct humanity by trying to understand us. And it was fun to see James Cromwell pop up in this too. He plays a drunken rocket-scientist that spends a lot of his time chasing after whatever woman he can spot. If I have to watch James Cromwell being overly interested in a tasty babe then I definitely prefer Star Trek: First Contact to fucking Pig In The City.


16 July 2016

Star Trek 7: Generations

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Star Trek 7: Generations - what the fuck is it about?

So this is the film in which Kirk and Picard manage to team up after Kirk is struck by what I'll call some 'contrivance-lightning' that conveniently sends him into the future. Although if you've been watching these movies chronologically, you can see that age alone has already been sending Shatner into the future pretty fucking quickly. Moments before this happens, a retired Kirk was doing a tour of the Enterprise when things went a little titties up. They attempt to save some other ships from a weird space-cloud by arriving with only seconds to spare and getting themselves instantly stuck in it too. That's not the mistake, though. I mean.. that's just stupidity. I guess you can't expect these people to be.. you know.. rocket scientists. The mistake is that, of the few people they manage to rescue, one of them is Malcolm McDowell. Because he's never played a crazy before, has he? Well except in every other fucking film he's ever appeared in. McDowell plays a creature here that's able to live an extraordinarily long life and so is able to survive travelling into the future to piss about with Picard. I mean, McDowell's rotting haggardy face certainly screams “man who refuses to die”. And to think, all it took to look the part was a decade-long smack habit.

So was it shit or not then?

Well I was excited to see this movie because I really wanted to see Shatner act alongside Patrick Stewart. I mean, I'm fans of them both however in terms of their style, I imagined it'd be as weird as a comedy double-act featuring Doug Stanhope alongside Barry Chuckle. And I was right. Stewart is doing his usual thing of drawing on his Shakespearean background whereas Shatner is fighting against the giant throbbing cock of self-parody. I was right; it was weird. The problem is that, as combinations go, it wasn't the good kind of weird, like sticking pineapple on a pizza, but rather the bad kind like you know.. sticking a good actor alongside William Shatner.

It doesn't help either that the film takes fucking yonks to build up to this moment, and then when it happens it's a bizarre mix of strange and boring. Because rather than being sent directly to the future, Kirk is living in a dimension in which he's living out an idealised version of his own life and that the future simply has access to. When we meet him, he seems excited because in this existence his dead dog is alive again. And it seems to be alive simply because he loved it so much. That's nice. I mean it's a shame that he seems to have forgotten about his dead son, but oh well.

And then we get to the death of Kirk, which is one of the least dignified conclusions since I was in school and I noticed that one of the other kids had finished a run after soiling himself. Kirk has to be one of the most iconic pop-culture characters of all time, and he dies simply because a crappy metal bridge collapses with him on it. I mean, I know he's put weight on over the last few films, but still. I'd say the character deserved more than that, especially seems as he adds pretty much nothing else to the plot at all. It's as though the movie only exists to have the two captains together and give one a good send off, and yet where these two's goals are concerned, the film is sadly like my school chum's post-run arse-hole, because it completely failed.

The rest of the film is also pretty forgettable with the exception of a sub-plot involving Data. He's a robot that accidentally fucks up an upgrade that was meant to have him feel emotions. The result is that, like this film as a whole, his mood is all over the place. I did find the way in which he'll go from laughter to the verge of tears in the space of a second pretty funny though. Although that could simply be because it reminded me of my Mum after a drink.

15 July 2016

Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country

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Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country - what the fuck is it about?

The Klingons are about to become our friends after years of constantly getting their head-fannies in a twist. In response, the Federation holds a top-secret meeting to discuss the future. Oh, but Scotty's there, by the way. Because if you're holding a top secret meeting about the future of galactic politics, you'll definitely need a ship's engineer there. When the Berlin Wall came down I'm pretty sure that there'd have been room for a car mechanic around that Dr Strangelove-style table at The Pentagon. The Federation decides that Kirk is to meet a Klingon leader and escort him back to Earth to join in negotiations. This is despite Kirk still being a little space-racist towards the Klingons for murdering his boring son a few movies back. We know this because Kirk says it out loud whilst alone in his bedroom. I guess he has nothing better to do than talk to himself whilst walking around a spaceship as it travels around the galaxy.

Anyway, despite Kirk being on his best behaviour, things do go titties up when most of the Klingons are murdered and he finds himself framed for it. A murder mystery type plot then begins in which Spock tries to decide which of the Enterprise crew may be the actual culprits in order to clear Kirk's name. Could it be their friend Uhura? The trusted Chekov? What about Scotty? Surely at his weight, the only thing that he could murder would be a bacon fucking butty. Okay.. so what about the new recruit played by Kim Cattrall? You know... the one who it most definitely is? Hmm, I guess you'll have to watch and see!

So was it shit or not then?

Beyond anything, this entry probably has the best cast of any of these movies so far. I mean, Christopher Plummer plays a patch-wearing Vulcan as the villain, and who doesn't love watching Christopher Plummer? Plus, if you need your movies villain to be a dick then you can certainly do worse than a one eye'd alien with a pink head. As mentioned, Sex And The City's Kim Cattrall also pops up making this her first appearance in the spin-off movie to a long-running TV show that refuses to acknowledge the ageing of its cast. Although that's probably being a little unfair. Not on her, but on this film which for the first time has Spock say to Kirk “Have we grown so old that we've out-grown our usefulness?” in a moment of poignant brilliance. It's just a shame that it's taken six films and God knows how many tight leather belts to get to it.

As is always the case with the Star Trek films, there's an obvious but admirable subtext here in the way that its story paralleled the recent end to The Cold War. Although fuck that, the movie also features a scene in which Kirk fights an alien that takes on his appearance. I'd argue that that was the most unbelievable part of the franchise- that any creature would willingly look like a portly old Kirk, but who can be cynical with two Shatners on screen? That also means that the veteran Trek actor is now in the same club as such esteemed actors as Dead Ringers' Jeremy Irons, Legend's Tom Hardy, and Double Impact's Jean-Claude Van Damme. In fact, Kirk V Kirk aside, this entire scene is pretty enjoyable as it also features the widest range of visually interesting aliens seen in the series so far. The only thing that worried me is that it's set in a prison called Rura Penthe. When Kirk was sentenced to “hard time” there, I misheard Rura Penthe as "Uhura's panties" and at their age, I really didn't want to see that.

Is this film worth watching? Well, yes. I'm watching them in order of their release and so far it's the best since Wrath Of Khan. Plus Plummer's villain is constantly quoting plays such as Julius Caesar and Hamlet. So regardless, I'd say this movie is worth seeing simply for being a Star Trek film that's co-written by William fucking Shakespeare.

14 July 2016

Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier

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Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier - What the fuck is it about?

The main story kicks off in a place called Paradise City in which some Jesus like figure has started causing some shit. I mean I say Paradise City.. I'd always been led to believe that the grass there is green and the girls are pretty. However it seems that in reality it's actually a desert and so the grass is dead and the girls aren't so much pretty as they are three-titted cat people. Still, the crew of the enterprise turn up here to try to solve the trouble regarding the Jesus character. His name is Sybok and it's claimed that he can “put you in touch with feelings you never previously knew you could express”. So, basically he's the alien equivalent of a love-egg.

So the crew arrive and Sybok takes over their ship and forces them all to go on a trip with him to see God. Long story short.. Kirk's not into that shit and so when presented with the face of The Almighty, he decides that the best thing to do is to start a big old slanging match. At one point Sybok offers to help remove Kirk of anything that might bother him, to which he screams “I need my pain!!”. Not sure what he's referring to here but I'm guessing it's probably his cholesterol levels.

So was it shit or not then?

Erm.. well, the movie started pretty terribly in which we see Shatner's Kirk climbing up a huge cliff-face for fun and without any safety ropes. I mean, considering his size and age, this is something that could only realistically happen the day pigs fly.. admittedly, for a split second I thought that was what I was actually seeing. When asked why he felt the urge to do this, climb Kirk replied “The most important reason as to why we should climb a mountain is because it's there”. Presumably he has a similar policy when it comes to eating some lovely, lovely cake. Although honestly I think the worst bit about this scene is its attempts at humour which then continue throughout the entire movie and is honestly about as painful as a Vulcan death-pinch to the dick.

Actually, speaking of pain, one of the things I did like was the make-up of the Klingons, and that's even if they are basically just browned-up people with a stitched-up vagina glued above their face. After having the last two films directed by Nemoy, this is the first to be attempted by Shatner. And to be fair, although it is sort-of rubbish, I do admire the way it decides to tackle religion. Even when presented with the face of God, the crew remain logical and talk shit to it rather than simply dropping to their knees and grovelling. Although that could be because if this ageing cast dropped to their knees then I'm not quite sure they'd be able to get back up again.

In terms of direction, I actually don't think that Shatner did a bad job. Nor do I think he did a bad job in terms of finding a theme for the movie. The problem is with the script, which could have done with a few more drafts. I hear that the budget was cut for this movie which may be the cause of the situation, but I suppose that catering just isn't going to pay for itself. There's a contrived twist involving Spock's family that I didn't need, and despite its mostly crap humour, there's a scene in which Bones euthanises his own father which got a bit fucking dark. However simply due to its promotion of rational thinking in the face of religion, I think that this entry is definitely worth a watch.

13 July 2016

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home - What the fuck is it about?

In the future, mankind has hunted all whales to extinction which is awkward because an angry alien thing has just turned up assuming whales to be Earth's dominant species. So after they investigated some blue space-mist in the first film, dealt with the wrath of Khan in the second, and resurrected Spock from a dying planet in the third, there was really only one obvious story that this fourth movie could tell. Kirk and his crew must travel back in time to the 1980's, steal a couple of whales from SeaWorld, take them back to the future and then have them tell the angry aliens to 'piss off'. Talk about cliched! It's also worth noting that the movie begins with the crew in exile after the shit they pulled previously. Shouldn't be a problem for them though really, considering that's where most of the cast spend their time when not making these movies.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, it could be said that this is the moment that the franchise jumped the shark. Or considering at one point that Spock dives into the Seaworld tank to ride one, perhaps a more apt phrase would be 'it fucked the whale'. Though you know when an idea is so stupid that it actually becomes kind of brilliant? Well, this is one of them. The best sci-fi is actually a comment on modern day society anyway so why not just save time by having your sci-fi characters actually come to modern day and simply comment on it? Particularly when it's as legitimately fucking funny as this. I also liked that it had a proper full-on eco-message. I mean, most comedy movies aren't even funny, let alone actually funny and with some degree of subtext. Admittedly the subtext is about as obvious as how fucking old the actors are becoming, but at least there's no denying it's there.

Actually if I'm being honest, my biggest criticism isn't anything to do with the ridiculous story at all but probably is in the state of the cast. At this point they're all clearly getting on a bit, but rather than letting them appear as their actual age, the movie attempts to convince us that they're all still young. I mean, Sulu has so much make-up on his face that for the first half of the film I just assumed he was some random fucking geisha. Even Shatner is starting to resemble a cross between a clown and a prostitute. That belt of his is looking tighter, too. Does the plot revolve around them looking for whales just because they wanted a species to make him look thinner? Usually it's the character wearing a red shirt that's going to die but a fucking bright-red face can't exactly be a good sign. Also at four films in, Uhura still hasn't done that much. I appreciate that the crew is made up of all various nationalities and so obviously has a liberal left leaning view for the time, but everybody has their moment to shine in these films with the exception of the only woman. I doesn't help the point either that her name basically sounds like "A whore? Urgh”.

Anyway.. Is this film worth seeing? Absolutely. Even if you haven't seen the previous three then it works as a decent enough comedy as it is. Sure, the cast look a little bit like they've been drawn onto a stretched out ballsack, but they're still all really funny.

12 July 2016

Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock

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Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock - What the fuck is it about?

I mean the story for this film is pretty obvious I suppose, considering the title is 'The Search For Spock'. Although I still think that a better title would have been Star Trek 3: Finding Nemoy. The previous film ends with Kirk shooting Spock's dead body out of the Enterprise, jettisoned towards the planet Genesis. It was the perfect blend of sci-fi, funeral, and fly-tipping. Coincidently, the planet in question has an atmosphere that apparently allows things to come back from the dead, which is lucky. Somebody should book a flight to it for Lindsay Lohan's career. Before Spock died, he conveniently popped his memories into Bones' head, which was also pretty lucky. It was basically like saving onto a USB a few seconds before your computer crashes. Kirk discovers this when he finds McCoy acting as though he's been possessed whilst sitting in Spocks bedroom. To be fair, I suspect that the odder of Star Trek's fans have done much stranger things in their rooms with their Bones.

The mission therefore is to travel to Planet Plot Contrivance where Spock's body has been resurrected and plonk his memories back into his head. Did I mention that Spock is a child now? No? Well, he is. The planet brought him back as a kid because it somehow knew that Nemoy was directing and wanted to save him the job of acting too. Honestly, this planet is so useful. If only it had written the script to the first fucking movie too!

So was it shit or not then?

With this, it was as though they'd turned my dead Granddad into a movie. I didn't love it, but you know.. I didn't hate it. The biggest problem that the film really has is that it seems to exist exclusively as a way of un-doing all the drama of the previous movie. Kind of in the way that the X-Men franchise now seems to exist with the sole purpose of undoing the events of X-Men 3. The main difference obviously being that, unlike X3, Wrath of Khan wasn't a steaming puddle of piss. Actually, speaking of X3, do you remember when McKellen gave the shittest ever delivery of the phrase 'what have I done'?! Well, it turned out that Shatner actually had him beat all along. Kirk witnesses the Enterprise explode and attempts that line with the same level of bored emotion that I have when holding a conversation with my family. Having said that, it's kind of a shame that Shatner has now descended into tedious self-parody because he's actually pretty good in these. Well, there is another moment in which he reacts to the death of his son in the style of Jim Carrey shitting his pants, but I guess nobodies perfect.

I did like this film too, to a degree. I was really excited to finally see the Klingons and even more excited when I found out that the main one was an angry Christopher Lloyd looking like he'd smeared himself in shit and then rolled about on a barbershop floor. It was fun watching the young Spock grow up over the course of ninety minutes too which is something that the average Star Trek fan hasn't managed in up to fifty fucking years. The theme of movie is regarding how far friends will go for each other and here we learn that if one friend assumes another friend is dead and then finds out that he was wrong... he'll go and pick him up. I'd like to think that I have friends that would do that for me. So poignant.

11 July 2016

Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan

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Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan - What the fuck is it about?

So basically there's a bad guy called Khan that looks a little bit as if Robert Redford had attempted to pass himself off as a 1980's female prostitute and was convincing fucking nobody. By sheer coincidence, one of Kirk's bum-chums, Chekov, is doing a little adventuring on empty planets that could be used to host life when he stumbles right into Khan and his crew. Even more coincidental is the fact that Khan apparently has beef with Kirk and somehow recognises Chekov as one of his associates. I guess it's probably the fact that Chekov has a memorable look to him. Sort of like if a ventriloquist's dummy had done a Pinocchio and turned into a real boy.. except not quite fully managed it.

In an attempt to lure Kirk, Khan uses something known as 'Genesis' as a trap. Genesis is a project that one of Kirk's previous squeezes is hard at work on and basically involves the terraforming of the previously mentioned dead planets. Sadly this isn't quite as cool as it sounds due to the process involving the use of a missile that couldn't look more like a dildo if it was kept in a shoe box, hidden under a single mother's bed. Although considering this films lead actor is an ageing William Shatner, perhaps 'cool' isn't really what it's going for. This is a suspicion that can only be confirmed by the appearance of Khan's crew who all look like they were rejected from the film The Warriors for looking too 'gay'.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, yeah.. if I'm going to be honest, I fucking loved this movie. There's a great theme of death running through Wrath Of Khan and not in the same way that the first movie made me feel bored to fucking death. In this film, Kirk is at an age in which death is on his mind, there's a test in which you're forced to face certain death which is constantly brought up... oh, and spoiler alert, Spock fucking dies. Although considering the next movie is called The Search For Spock, I'm going to guess that it's not quite so permanent. Well, not unless they just want his dead body for some reason. I guess he still looked pretty warm at the end and I suppose those long space-nights can get pretty lonely.

Everything involving Spock's demise was pretty emotional, to be honest. But in a restrained way that the autistic-like Vulcan would have approved of. If anything, his funeral was only ruined by Scotty's insistence on playing the bagpipes which, as we all know, is a terrible instrument. I mean, people are trying to show their last respects for fucks sake. How can you do that when some tubby Scottish bloke is creating the sound of a goat simultaneously screaming and jizzing in slow-motion?!

Possibly due to an increased budget, the sets look a lot better here too. The crew still spend most of their time on the Enterprise's bridge, however it now has the more claustrophobic feel of a submarine-style movie. In fact, the only bit that I didn't really like in the whole film was when a brainwashed Chekov managed to snap back to his senses thanks to his love of Kirk. I mean, it didn't help that the guy who plays Chekov isn't the best actor in the world and so for the first few seconds I really just thought I was struggling to hold in an anal prolapse. However that's surely got to be one of the most cliched plot devices this side of having a 'chosen one'. Not that there's much chance of that here though, thank God. If somebody told me that Shatner was 'the chosen one', I'd just assume that he'd simply been selected as the man who looks most like the reincarnation of a once prized turnip.. Oh well. Other than that though, Wrath Of Khan was great.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

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Star Trek: The Motion Picture - What the fuck is it about?

The film begins with both the Vulcans and the Klingons speaking in their own language and so I didn't really know what the fuck was going on to be honest. I was about fifteen minutes in before I realised that the DVD I was watching had expected me to manually select the third option of English subtitles on offer in order for me to have the alien gibberish translated. I mean why the fuck wouldn't it just have that on automatically? Does it really expect the average fan to be fluent in both fucking languages? ...Actually I've seen some of the fans of this series.. fair enough..

The movie involves the crew from the TV show all getting back together for a mission in which they are required to investigate a suspicious blue cloud. Wow. The movie assumes that you'll already know who these characters are and are happy to spend a good thirty minutes watching them do sweet fuck all. I mean, literally nothing happens for so God damn long. There's a scene in which Kirk lays eyes on the Enterprise for the first time that lasts longer than some amateur pornos do. That reference is actually particularly apt because throughout this scene, Kirk is giving the ship a look that suggests that the moment everybody's back is turned, he's almost definitely going to try and fuck it. Kirk looks at that ship in the same way that a sailor looks at a woman after returning home from months at sea, then heading straight to the nearest titty bar.

So was it shit or not then?

Yes. Yes it was. This was literally one of the most boring movies that I've ever seen and speaking of amateur pornos I say that as somebody who has seen that shit Paris Hilton video. You know the one in which she kind of just bounces up and down with glazed over eyes as though testing the worlds shittest spacehopper.  If Inglorious Bastards is to be believed, film is insanely flammable and there was a lot of names on the credits to this movie.. you'd have thought at least one person would have realised how long it was running on for and so thrown a fucking cigarette into whatever room in which the dailies are kept. Even if the resulting fire burnt for seven long days, you'd still be left with enough footage to make a ninety minute film. The special effects have dated pretty badly too. I'm guessing the budget was pretty small for this movie because the whole thing consisted mostly of people talking absolute bollocks on the bridge whilst occasionally cutting outside for a shot of the ships. Except, the ships are obviously models and the shots last so long that it just feels like you're trapped in some fat nerd's bedroom as he shows you his fucking toy collection.

Oddly this movie was directed by Robert Wise who you may know from his 1965 masterpiece in which he had Julie Andrews dressed as a Nun. Although Star Trek: The Slow-motion Picture, as it's been dubbed, is less The Sound Of Music as it is the sound of fucking silence. If you don't own this movie but want to replicate the experience of watching it then simply imagine the plot to Solaris, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and John Carpenter's Dark Star, though as if it was dumbed down by some boring old bastard. I guess I liked the effects of the alien ship within the blue cloud, but that's only because it had a feature that looked like a pulsing anus and I was really searching to find things that were entertaining. Oh, and for the record.. some of the extras were wearing jumpsuits that were way too tight for them. I could literally see their dicks.

3 July 2016

Bringing The World Together

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We live on a planet that has a whole range of variety within the unique personalities of our dominant species. Some people are smart and so will like Independence Day: Resurgence because it's unpretentiously big and dumb. Other people will probably like it however simply because they themselves are unpretentiously big and dumb. I saw the movie at the cinema last night and at its very opening, some text appeared on screen saying “West Virginia” so that we could identify the setting. Of course most of us will know West Virginia as an eastern U.S. state however this alone seemed to confuse some teenagers in our audience who loudly questioned, “What's West Vagina?” I mean, usually if I'm at the cinema and people make enough noise to make me aware that they're not dead then I start to get angry. Only the other day there was a gang of teenaged wank-drippings that fucking waffled all the way through a movie that had me so pissed off that I suspect that I probably left a little anus-stamp of blood on my seat. If I had a claw-hammer then I'd have happily gone to the back of their row and played their empty skulls like a human fucking xylophone.