A Truffle Pig Hunting For Clichés

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Before the new Bad Boys For Life, I'd never seen a single film in the Bad Boys franchise. Mostly because they sound like the title of a series of gay pornos and they're directed by Michael Bay. God, I can't stand Michael Bay's movies. If I had to pick I'd rather watch a gay porno over a Michael Bay movie. At least the gay porno would be less gratuitous and I'd actually be surprised if it went on for a further ten minutes after the final explosion. This new Bad Boys movie has a new directing team behind it though and so I felt it'd be okay to go and see it without my usual collection of pendants and protective charms. But then about half an hour into the movie, Michael Bay actually shows up for a cameo like Jason Voorhees springing out of the fucking lake to drown that girl at the end of Friday The 13th. “Why is nobody booing and hissing at the screen” I wondered of my fellow moviegoers, “Do they not know who he is?”. Truly the Devil walks amongst us. Not that he directed this movie don't forget. I can't remember the names of the two guys at the helm this time, but it doesn't matter. The film looks like an advert for an expensive watch that you'd expect to find on the wrist of a sexual predator that thinks he's in Entourage. I didn't hate it though. The movie I mean. Not the sexual predator. Or the expensive watch that I made up. 

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Bring On The Demons

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There was a guy sitting pretty close to me when I went to see Ouija: Origin Of Evil who had clearly misjudged the movie. You know the old trick of taking a girl on a date to a horror film in the hope that she'll cack her pants and grab hold of your wanger or something out of panic? Well, I'm pretty sure that had been his plan because he was there with a girl and you could kind of tell they hadn't been going out for very long. He was that horrible combination of awkward and yet grabby as though still a little nervous to be around her but also confident enough to restrain her in case of any escape attempts. Well, the film began and I'm not sure that things went entirely his way. Not only did she spend the entire movie sat fairly calmly but on the off chance that there was even the smallest hint of a scare, he'd quite obviously shit himself and jump out of his fucking seat. As a terminally single geek, I'm happy to admit that I'm not a reliable expert in the field of dating however I'm also pretty sure that the old 'take a girl to a horror movie' thing only works if you're brave enough to impress them and don't spend the movie squirming about and murmuring as though your fucking love eggs are kicking in.

Stuck And Running From The Bullets

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Christopher Nolan's Dunkirk begins with a soldier frantically trying to find a spot on the beach in which he can take a dump. Or maybe, he was just ticking off things he could do from his bucket list and having a literal shit on France was one of them. And who even knew this movie would be set in France at all? You'd think there would be a clue in the title but a few years ago a friend of mine let slip that he thought Dunkirk was actually a place in Scotland. After initially making fun of him for this lapse in his general knowledge, it quickly became annoyingly apparent that Dunkirk may actually be the most Scottish sounding word I've ever heard in my entire fucking life. When the English soldiers were stuck and desperate on the beach at the start of this film I genuinely had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't going to end with Mel Gibson riding over the hill, face painted blue and screaming for fucking 'Freedom!!!”

Heroes In A Half Film

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Having been born during the arse end of the 80's, I spent my toddling years being shunted around a variety of Ninja Turtle-themed childrens' birthday parties. Although, don't ask me what made that franchise so popular at the time. I suppose with both their mutated green skin and the hardened shell-like tumours on their back, the Ninja Turtles were simply a great way to prepare us for the possibility of a nuclear attack. Anyway, a close chum of mine experienced a similarly green social life at that age with him even being lucky enough to have an actual cake made for him which featured one of the titular heroes in its design. The problem was that the food colouring required to make the cake bright green fucked with his body and unintentionally turned his shit the same colour. To be fair, if my cold war theory is correct then nothing is going to prepare a young child more for the reality of living in a nuclear wasteland than discovering that they've just shat out a glowing green turd. Sadly, as much as I'd like to say that that was the biggest Ninja Turtle related shit to be released into the world, I can't. Not now that I've seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows, anyway.

Why I Still Love Duncan Jones

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It's so easy to write something mean-spirited after seeing a bad film. I mean, I would quite literally rather be punched in the balls than see Transformers: Dark Of The Moon again. Director Michael Bay has been compared to Hitler on more than one occasion, which I think has always seemed a little harsh on Hitler. Obviously Uncle Adolf's actions were slightly more devastating to the world, but at least he had the excuse of clearly being a mental bastard. Plus, you get the feeling with Hitler that at least he was passionate about all of the evil things that he did. When talking about his career, Bay said “Why do I work so hard- to think I'm only going to see this movie five times and never see it again 'cause I'm so sick of it? What is it worth, honestly?” Well, 'a little bit of whatever soul he has left' I guess is the answer to that. Bashing people like Bay is therapeutic because as well as being solidly shite, his movies are also completely cynical. Thousands of kids are paying good money to watch a hollow film based on their toys that's fucking loaded with pure misogyny and racism and exists for the single purpose of taking their cash.

Is This A Hollow Victory?

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13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi has to be one of the worst fucking titles ever. I mean, what does it even refer to?! '13 Hours' sounds to me like it's the first instalment of a shitty new Young Adult franchise. Or does '13 Hours' simply refer to the running time of the movie, because that's how long it fucking felt like. In fact, here's a better title for this movie- how about 'Another American Balls Up'? Based on a true story, the film is about an American security team that find themselves lost up Shit Creek after a U.S Ambassador is killed by a mob in his Libyan-based compound. Considering this is a touchy subject that's constantly being used as a political football, I'm sure you can imagine the calibre of director that would be required to tell the story. Could it be Paul Greengrass, Kathryn Bigelow, Oliver Stone, Clint Eastwood, or maybe even Ben Affleck? No. Fuck them. Let's get Michael Bay to do it. It's not like his films are always total shit... just look at Pearl Harbour! That film clearly understood the nuance's of history, hence Roger Ebert's classic review of it being about how “the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle”.