A New Fantastic Point Of View?

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Aladdin might be a cautionary tale of what happens when you wish for selfish things, but that doesn't mean that we don't then all spend the film wondering what we'd do if we found a genie. I'm quite happy with the size of my dick so I wouldn't wish for a bigger one. But I'd still like it to be more impressive so I think that my first wish would be for every other man on the planet's dick to be shrunk by a couple of inches. Kind of like how Goldfinger planned to irradiate the world's supply of gold with the exception of his own in an attempt to make his more valuable. Like that but with dicks. I'd obviously want more wishes after that but one of the rules is that you can't wish for any more than the three you're given. So I think that for my second wish I'd simply ask for the power of a genie myself. Just the power mind you. I wouldn't want to actually become a genie because my third wish would be for an Order 66 of the genies. A large-scale mass execution of magical beings in order to ensure that nobody was ever capable of challenging me or preventing me from exercising my own fucking will. Not that I'd do much after that I suppose. I'd probably just make chocolate healthy, create a second season of Joss Whedon's Firefly, and then Thanos snap about ninety-five per cent of our shit species away because most people are dickheads and I fucking hate them. I'd also wish for less of these pointless fucking live-action Disney remakes because at this point they are really starting to do my tits in now. 

They've Got Fun And Games

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Jumanji is an average film that people remember as being better than it was because nostalgia is a drug and we all love Robin Williams. That original movie involved playing a magical board-game in which animals spawned out of it and caused mass devastation on the real world. Although I'd argue that it still wasn't quite as destructive as the average game of Monopoly can be. We once played a game in which - I swear to God - one friend attempted to avoid going bankrupt by offering fucking blow-jobs around. Considering the popularity of the original film, it's odd that it's taken over twenty years for a sequel to come out and I have no idea why that might have been? Maybe Robin Williams was reluctant to return? Or maybe there was a sequel in 2005 called Zathura: A Space Adventure and everybody forgot it instantly? I guess we'll never know. To keep things fresh, this sequel decides to do things a little differently to the original. Rather than being about a board-game releasing a load of animals into our world, it's about a video-game that sucks people into its world. Just to write that again so you can take it in without shitting your pants.. this is a sequel that dares to do something new. Thank God it wasn't a Star Wars movie or people would be pressing rape charges against it for ruining their childhood about now.

Robin Williams Was Misrepresented By The Masses

When Robin Williams died there was a genuine outpouring of love and mourning for a man that seemed to be genuinely close to most peoples hearts. For me, I'd say the key to this though is that most people are idiots. They saw his shit films when they were younger and yet to develop a true appreciation of cinema. Bear with me with this... I'm not a prick- I'm going somewhere! Most people aren't interested in the French New Wave or the history of German expressionism. I've tried to watch films several times with my Mum since I became obsessed with the medium and every time was a complete failure. She made me turn off Taxi Driver because it was old, Superman Returns because she remembered there were dishes to wash, and Memento because to quote her “What the fuck is going on”. I understand the problem though and it's simply that most people have more of a life than I do. Films for the masses are just a mixture of light and colours that can be stared at until we're all a little closer to death. In that respect, I suppose there's no way that Flubber can't be said to have done its job. It wasn't funny, well made, or in any way tolerable, but there's no denying that it had a duration.