This Glass Is Half Empty

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If M. Night Shyamalan filmed himself taking a dump into a flower pot and then kicked it at a stray cat then I'd consider him a genius. Not because of that but because he directed the masterpiece Unbreakable and nobody will ever be able to take that away from him. We all remember Lord Byron for being one of our greatest poets and yet we don't let his genius be tainted by the fact that he used to collect his lover's pubic hair in a carefully organised file. I think that the same should apply to Shyamalan with Unbreakable being proof of his genius and with the rest of his movies being his file of matted pubes. Also if Shyamalan did film himself crapping into a flower pot and then kicking it at a cat then it'd still be a better movie than The Last Airbender. I enjoyed his The Visit and I was really enjoying his Split until the final few seconds revealed it to be a secret Unbreakable sequel and I lost my shit. I was so excited to see Bruce Willis's David Dunn back and I was even more excited to see what was going to happen next. I really wanted to like this new film too simply to be able to use the pun that Glass was smashing!

Unbreakable - Kind Of A Miracle

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There's no denying that Albert Einstein was a genius and without his laws of relativity we wouldn't be where we are today. Not that I have a clue what his laws of relativity really are, by the way. I know that they're something to do with space and time but space and time are also the two most basic elements of a sumo match and I don't think he invented the concept of fat blokes shoving each other around. I do know however that Einstein used to wear a silk gown in which he'd intentionally whip his dick out at random women and then attempt to seduce them if they didn't respond with too much disgust. I also know that the word 'genius' is thrown about a little too much these days and should really only be reserved for world-changing flashers like Einstein. But I believe the film director M. Night Shyamalan to fit the criteria despite almost all evidence to the contrary. Sure he hasn't come up with some Earth shattering theory that explains something about gravity and I don't think he's even responsible for creating a single traditional Japanese sport. However, and I don't mean to be hyperbolic here but Shyamalan did something much more impressive then either of those two things combined. He wrote and directed the 2000 masterpiece Unbreakable.

This Franchise Is Bad For My Health

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Near the time when the first Deadpool movie came out I got ill to the point that I thought I was going to die. It was only a cold, but I get ill so infrequently that when some twatty bug is strong enough to get past my immune system, I can only conclude that it's probably cancer and my brain is going to start leaking out of my nose. Obviously I got better, and furthermore I remained in perfect health until the first trailer for Deadpool 2 came out ..when suddenly I found myself enduring a bad case of the shits.. or as I assumed at the time.. arsehole cancer. I started to notice the pattern and worry that perhaps I was allergic to Deadpool movies. The first film has really grown on me over the years and so I'd be disappointed if I was unable to enjoy its sequel simply because its existence might cause bits of my body to drop off. I hadn't been ill since the trailer but sure as shit the week that the film hit the cinema my throat began to hurt and I've developed white spots at the back of my mouth. Google says it's probably just a viral infection and that I shouldn't worry, but I know in my heart of heart that it's probably the throat AIDs. By the time I got to the cinema to watch the movie I was hoping to be able to enjoy it, but you can imagine my worry. If the build up to Deadpool 2 was enough to do this to me then what the fuck would happen during the actual screening? I don't want to seem like a hypochondriac.. but I was fully prepared to either catch the plague or somehow find one of those weird amazon-fish things living up my dick.

The Amazing Garfield

How amazing would it be if we, as humans, could actually take on certain animal abilities? The Nazis experimented with it, God bless them they tried, but perhaps they went about it the wrong way. As much as I'd love to be able to fly like a bird or jizz like a pig, anything associated with the holocaust tends to be a bit of a mood killer. Peter Parker was bitten by a genetically modified spider and suddenly took on the best of its characteristics. Although that did happen without the need for any genocide, by not following safety regulations the specky twonk was still bloody lucky. For all he knew, he could have ended up with eight eyes and the ability to hang upside down from his arse-hole. If that's how simple the science behind all this is then I can only assume that Lindsay Lohan was bitten by a radioactive whore. If I could be crossed with any animal I think it would be a cat. Nine lives and the flexibility to lick my own balls sounds like a dream life for me.

Of course though everybody knows about how Spiderman got his powers. Not only has it been explained countless times in comic books and cartoons, but now also in two films released only a decade apart. The Amazing Spiderman therefore had two challenges that it would need to overcome: on the one hand it needed to be a good film and on the other it needed to justify itself in telling the same story as Sam Raimi did back in 2002. Not only that but this current version wouldn't have Toby Maguire's angry running/cum face to look forward to.

Toby Maguire angrily blowing his load for some reason.

The Amazing Spiderman begins with a childhood mystery. The young Peter Parker's house is broken into which results in him being forced to live with his Aunt and Uncle. His parents do what every teenager dreams they would and simply fuck off. Under the guidance of Uncle Ben, Peter grows up into an intelligent but shy teenager who gets bullied at school and has the hots for class-mate Gwen Stacey. I'm not saying Emma Stone looks old but there's no fucking way she's 17. It really creeps me out when older people play school kids. It's as though Hollywood is trying to wean paedophiles onto real adults but at the same time may accidentally be running the risk of weaning normal people onto school children. 

In a way it's almost pointless continuing with the plot because the odds are you already know it. Peter gets bitten by a spider, he meets an older mentor who becomes a sympathetic villain whilst Parker’s current love interest is a little too conveniently tied into every. single. plot. strand. It might seem too easy to slag this film off for being too similar to the previous one but fuck it, that doesn't make it any less valid. Casino Royale, Star Trek and Rise of the Planet of the Apes are perfectly good examples of how to restart a franchise without going over the same old ground. For me at least, The Amazing Spiderman stuck too closely to the formula of the original to justify starting again. If this film was an animal it would definitely be that second cat to walk past the door in The Matrix.

Another problem with this film is that it has apparently fallen under the spell of Nolan's Dark Knight saga. It seems that since Batman Begins, every superhero film to be released has to be darker and grittier. If that's the case then fuck it, why stop at comic book adaptations? I'd love to see the Christopher Nolan version of Mr Bean as a mentally retarded man who is one dark thought away from dry fucking his teddy bear and then going on a shooting spree. My point is that it's a shame The Amazing Spiderman had to jump on the bandwagon of grim, and wasn't simply allowed its own identity.

However, that's not to say that there's nothing to like about this film. In fact, contrary to all of the above I did actually quite enjoy it. For a start I think that Andrew Garfield may in fact be my new favourite Peter Parker. That's even despite a post film conversation with a friend who insisted Spiderman had in fact just been played by tennis loser Tim Henman. Garfield may not look 17 but he certainly doesn't seem as ancient as the 28 year old actually is. With this and The Social Network on his CV Garfield is starting to get typecast as an underdog who gets bitch slapped by the super geek. I know that Zuckerberg technically isn't as evil as a giant rampaging lizard but that doesn't make him any less dangerous or creepy.

In fact I would say that overall the cast is slightly better than in Raimi's versions. Particularly when it comes to Aunt May who, when played by Rosemary Harris, was more irritating than having crabs on your gooch. It's not that I didn't like her but if I was Peter there'd be no way I could live in that house without smothering her in her bed and then blaming it on old lady cot death. In comparison, Sally Field does a good job by appearing more like a parental auntie and less like the previously manipulative grandma death.

Martin Sheen also does a good job of playing the doomed rice maker Uncle Ben. Although his character is at a little strict at times, he kind of gets away with it for simply being Martin Sheen. If he has the strength to chop up a fat slab of Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now then he's clearly a man to be listened to. To be fair as well who can blame him for being a harsh parent? Two of his children are Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen. If he didn't lay down the law with Peter then he too might end up as either a dullard or a junkie. Having said that I would quite enjoy watching a Spiderman film in which Parker is stood on top of a roof stoned off his tits, waving a machete in the air and drinking tiger blood.

As villains go Rhys Ifans is okay as Curt Conners even though he is basically playing the same type of person as Alfred Molina did in Spiderman 2. If somebody has to play a character that looks like two fingers being flicked up at the patiently ditched Dylan Baker then I guess Ifans does a good job. In honesty, I haven't seen him in too many films and so I am always slightly surprised by how good an actor he actually is. I'm not sure how Conners lost his arm but knowing Ifans real life shambolic appearance I would assume it was in a similar way to how Leto lost his in Requiem for a Dream.

In terms of the film’s style I think it's fairly obvious that Marc Webb is no Sam Raimi. I really love 500 days of Summer but unfortunately there is none of that quirkiness here. Webb lacks the kinetic insanity that’s made Raimi what he is and so this film’s action is a little less exhilarating. By losing Raimi we also unfortunately lose the talking chin of irony that is Bruce Campbell. Although this may be slightly made up for with Stan Lee's best cameo so far. At this point Lee is 89 years old which in my opinion is more than enough of an excuse to stop investing in Save the Whale and start funding the immortality pill.

Luckily what Webb does have to save him with this film is in his correcting of Raimi's biggest mistake. This bit is going to be slightly spoilerific so if you haven't seen The Amazing Spiderman it might be time to stop reading and get back to watching porn. For those who can save the wank for another few minutes, the film’s initiative is in simply not having the Lizard die. To avoid rebooting these things every other week then murdering all the characters might be something to avoid. As Curt Conners only ends up in jail then perhaps we might avoid having to go through this story again and simply continue the franchise by recasting every few years.

If I have one more criticism of this film then it's during a scene in which Conners drinks a fresh cup of tea by holding the mug with his bare hand. Now unless his palms are made out of volcanic rock I have no idea how he fucking did that without burning himself. It might seem an odd thing to notice, but balls to it, I'm English. We notice mistakes with tea in the same way that the yanks notice mistakes with guns. I guess it's just part of who we are. If however you can cope with these blasphemously offensive beverage errors then I think the film is worth a watch.

There might be a fair bit wrong with it but then there's also a fair bit wrong with Lindsay Lohan. Overall though and given an opportunity they are both definitely worth a ride.

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Need For Speed!

Once upon a time, the Wachowskis told us to imagine that there is no spoon. Easy enough to do with a piece of cutlery I suppose but a lot harder to apply to the Matrix Sequels. I know that there are great scenes in Reloaded and Revolutions, but let's face it, they do slightly ruin the original a bit. In the first one, we hear all about the mysterious Zion. In the second, we're shown it to be a plastic looking disco cave complete with a bunch of semi naked gimps dancing like tits to bloody Barbie Girl or whatever.

The whole fucking rave is cheesier than a tramps foreskin and if that's what we're fighting for, then fuck it, plug me back in. I'd rather be a happy fucking battery than part of that jigging crowd of twonks. By expanding on the world of the original and making it look shit, you're basically giving wrong answers to questions that made the first film great. It's like getting to finger Angelina Jolie and finding a huge pair of hairy testicles down her knickers. On face value she still looks great but secretly you can't help but be thinking about what bollocks is under the surface.

Following The Matrix franchise however, the siblings have so far only done one other movie. Speed Racer is their 2008 follow up and tells the story of a young racing driver who must choose to either join a corrupt sponsorship or remain independent and come under attack from them. Filmed almost completely on green screen, the film looks like a living cartoon and uses more colours than actually exist in the world. After just a few minutes, you start to wonder if the bright red is the colour on screen or simply evidence that your eyes have started to bleed. I think that watching this whilst high could genuinely cause brain-bubbles followed by schizophrenia and a lifetime of gormless dribbling.

When it came out, for some reason the critics decided to give it a bit of a slating. Just because it's a little bit crap, two star reviews where being hurled at it like an angry retard throwing shit at a mirror. I mean- it's not the best film in the world, but it's not bad. Beyond the look of the film, the cast is also really likeable with Emile Hirsch whose head is two sizes too big for him, John Goodman looking like he's had a stroke, Christina Ricci sporting that season's anorexic look and Roger Allam doing an impression of Tim Curry inside Gilderoy Lockhart's skin.

The plot, for what it is, unfortunately suffers from Matrix Sequel Syndrome in that it's way too fucking complicated. We're watching what looks like a live action version of Mario Kart with a comedy chimp in a hat, but the story is a convoluted mess of sports corruption, the stock market and industrial takeovers. The look and humour of the film is clearly aiming for a young audience but the story is like watching a cross between Wall Street and Days of Thunder whilst on magic mushrooms.

Also, like The Matrix Sequels, it's way too fucking long. Again, if it's a kids film, it really shouldn't go on for much more than 90mins. This however drags itself out for around 2 hours and 15 minutes , the same time it takes a 2 legged dog to find a safe place to shit, without it getting matted into its fur. At that running time, most kids will have hit puberty and grown their first pube before the credits start rolling. Annoyingly, there are just a few too many long, misplaced scenes which play out a bit like watching a pantomime with a serious business meeting. Kind of like going to watch Jack and the Beanstalk and spending half an hour watching Jack haggle for the beans based on the current magical fruit exchange rate. You end up not giving a single shit.

Despite all that however, I do still really like it simply because I find it to be genuinely sweet and good hearted. Financial bullshit aside, it's about a family who love each other and are just doing their best to stick together. You could get rid of all the 'Gordon Gecko' greed-is-good shite, and in all honesty I'd probably like it even more. In fact the bits that get me the most are the stuff involving the death of 'Speeds' older brother 'Rex' and how the family deal with it. Contrary to its bubblegum exterior everyone in the “Racer” family play their parts completely straight with some fairly heavy things going on. Not only is 'Pop' mourning the loss of his son, he also has to deal with the fact that the last time they spoke he told him that if he leaves now then he can never come back. The only thing to slightly spoil this scene is that before 'Rex' steps through the door you half expect Goodman to shout, 'Over the line' and pull a gun on him.

The stuff between 'Speed' and his parents are, in my opinion, genuinely touching with John Goodman and Susan Sarandon doing more than just turning up for the money. If I've got any other niggle regarding these scenes it's simply that I find Sarandon to be a bit of a hypocrite whenever she's giving driving advice. I'm not being funny, but the last time I saw that ginger gilf in charge of a car, she drove it off a fucking cliff. I haven't actually seen Thelma and Louise but I'm assuming it's about the incompetence of woman drivers and so if I was 'Speed' I'd tell her to shut the fuck up and keep her shitty, suicidal advice to herself. Go find your headscarf and wear it in another room, bitch.

The other interesting character here is 'Racer X' who has, in my humble opinion, a genuinely touching backstory. He looks a bit like if X-men's 'Cyclops' decided he was into visiting dungeons and wearing bondage and is, I guess, this films equivalent of 'Morpheus'. He's dependable, honourable, cool, and in all honesty, the spine of the movie. If there is any reason to revisit this film, other than seeing Christina Ricci's general face and body, it's to watch him knowing exactly what you find out at the end. It's not exactly a 'we're the same person, he's a ghost and it was the cripple all along' kind of affair, but it certainly adds a bit of weight to the movie.

The Wachowskis are important film-makers and this forgettable CG acid trip is one example of why. It might be a bit crap, but at least it is original and not stuffed up its own arse with pretentiousness- like The Matrix Sequels were. The directors also deserve credit for making a film that couldn't be any more different to The Matrix if they had tried. It's so different in fact, that it's a bit like Spielberg following War Horse with a pornographic slasher film or if Michael Bay followed up Transformers 3 with- well, just any good film would do. It'll be nobody's favourite movie, but I recommend it simply because of how refreshingly un-cynical it is. Maybe Speed Racer's plot is a bit confusing, but seems as most people can't even work out what gender Larry/Lana Wachowski is, the fact that we understand as much as we do should be appreciated. Regardless of whether Lana's knob is between her legs or in a jam-jar on the mantle, I don't care. As long as they keep making films as individual as Speed Racer and The Matrix, then I'll be happy.

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