The Avengers Abide

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When a film like Avengers: Endgame comes out, it starts to feel like we're living in some sort of fascist state in which even the slightest whisper of a spoiler is punishable by death. In general, I'd say that I'm against any form of fascism to the point that I get pissed off when even the self-scan in the supermarket tells me to remove my shopping from the bagging area. I mean what the fuck does it think it's doing, telling me what to do. We don't live in the fucking Matrix yet you robot-prick! However, in this case, my only regret is that spoiling things literally isn't punishable by death as I would quite happily cave any perpetrators head in with a fucking rock and then shit into their skull as a warning to everybody else. So I won't spoil anything major here if you haven't seen it. I'll probably talk about the bit in the movie in which Tony and Steve die of AIDS and why I felt it was right to graphically show how they got it. But I don't think that counts as a spoiler because we all saw it coming right? We certainly saw them coming in that scene anyway. So I guess I will be talking a little bit about what happens and so if you haven't seen it then you know.. piss off.

Marvel Gets Its Stones Out

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If you visit Amsterdam, there's a sex museum that most people go to in which there are replicas of two giant cocks that you can sit between and have your photo taken. Like one of those giant cocks, the mad titan Thanos is a huge scary bastard with a big purple head who looks like he wants to fuck everything. Although in his case I obviously mean that in a destructive way, such as the time that U2 fucked our iTunes collection by having their latest shit album automatically pollute our phones with their unwanted twangly bollocks. For those who have been living under a rock then Thanos is the villain in Marvel's latest Avengers: Infinity War and who we've been warned has been coming for quite some time now. Which is another similarity to a giant cock I suppose. Although if you're not completely up to speed on the multi-franchise team-up, then good luck on following whatever the shit is going on in this movie because it doesn't really do much to help bring you in. At one point Peter Parker is sat on his school bus when he spots an alien invasion in the distance. Quick as a flash he web-slings the window open in order to escape and head over to it. If you didn't know he was Spider-Man, then you're essentially watching a young man fling his stringy 'substance' at a window, which is something you can't even get away with at an Amsterdam sex museum.

Black Heroes Matter

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Saying that there are too many superhero movies is a bit like claiming to be a “stable genius” in that the only realistic response to both should be to ask, “what the fuck are you talking about?” Both Thor: Ragnarok and Justice League are technically 'superhero' movies but do they have any real similarities? The former was like getting stoned and watching Masters Of The Universe through a kaleidoscope whereas the latter was like stumbling over in the dark and getting dog shit in your eyes... except in that case you kind of hoped you'd go blind. Black Panther is the latest film to be released within the Marvel Cinematic Universe and again it couldn't be more different from what's come before. I guess when people think of 'superhero' movies they think of a super-powered nobody putting on a mask to protect their identity before going out to fight crime. And I suppose Black Panther does wear a mask to fight things. But so do Mexican wrestlers and nobody seems to include them despite how many dwarves they defeat. Rather than tackling crime though, Black Panther is actually about a newly coronated king as he attempts to protect the throne of his advanced albeit isolated African nation from an outsider that's understandably bitter about colonisation and the treatment of his race. To dismiss that as 'just another superhero movie' would be like indiscriminately breathing in carbon monoxide on the grounds of “fuck it.. it's all just gas”.

Waititi's Lightning In A Bottle?

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Thor movies are a bit like taking a massive fart. When done with the right amount of humour there's a good chance that you'll get away with it and everything will be okay. However, and as was the case with Thor: The Dark World, if the thing feels as though it's been forced out for the sake of it then, like a fart, there's also a definite possibility that you'll be left with something 'a little shit'. It also seems that the best films within the MCU are made by directors of note. Shane Black's Iron Man 3 was his typical Christmas-set story of a wise-talking crime fighter that gets wrapped up in a Hollywood conspiracy. Joss Whedon's Avengers was his usual group of weirdos coming together to form a surrogate family with each other as they battle supernatural-esque forces. With Thor: Ragnarok we see the comedy genius of indie director Taika Waititi as he makes what he drunkenly described in an interview as being “about a guy just trying to get home because there's a burglar in his house, and he's stuck with this giant bi-polar guy who gets angry all the time, and a drunk chick, and an annoying brother, and that's it. But with spaceships... and Jeff Goldblum”.

She's Such A Doll

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At the beginning of Annabelle: Creation we see a doll maker at work in his house as he sets about making his creepy fucking toys. Although I'll tell you what.. he lives in quite a big house. I mean, how much is he charging for these fucking dolls and who the fuck is buying them? They're genuinely horrible. Maybe parents might buy them as presents for their children as a way of letting their children know how much they secretly hate them, but still. I can only therefore presume that this doll-making business is a front and that he's actually stuffing their heads with drugs. Within the prologue of the film, we see his family is involved in a car accident in which somebody is run over and killed. Throughout the rest of the film, the whole thing is referred to as a 'car accident' too, however, I'm pretty sure that it must have been an intentional hit from a rival drugs gang. Anyway.. for some reason, this means one of his dolls is now haunted by a demon, or something. As a result, they lock it in a cupboard that has pages from the Bible stapled all over it. This might seem like the legitimate solution to the doll problem. However they kind of look like the sort of people that would attempt to solve most of their problems by locking them in the Bible page room too.

With Another Reboot Comes Great Responsibility

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It seems that these days Spider-Man reboots are a bit like people called Dave.. there's just so fucking many of them. After Sam Raimi's third Spider-Man threw so much shit at the wall that it ended up choking to death on the fumes of its own ineptitude, we got The Amazing Spider-Man. Andrew Garfield's Peter Parker was okay, with the biggest problem being that he was playing a high schooler that looked old enough to be a Junior Manager at a struggling PR company. You could almost hear him saying, “Lose the 'The' in The Spider-Man; it's cleaner”. However the biggest problem of that rebooted series was that it seemed like it had almost no understanding of the franchise itself. Christopher Nolan's Batman movies worked so well because he made a film that was completely in tone with its title character. However The Amazing Spider-Man failed because rather than looking at Batman Begins and making a film that finally fit their character, they instead looked at Batman Begins and simply tried to make Batman fucking Begins.

Marvel Shows Off Its Ego

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Guardians Of The Galaxy Volume 2 has quite probably the greatest opening ten minutes of any Marvel movie yet. Beginning on Earth in a flashback sequence set in the 1980's, we see a young Kurt Russell enjoying a day out with who we know to be the mother of Chris Pratt's Peter Quill. "Hang on!", I hear you say, "As cool as Kurt Russell is, I'm pretty sure that even he has aged slightly over the last thirty years!" Well, as was the case with Downey Jr. in Civil War, Marvel seem to have access to the most cutting edge technology and have de-aged him to the point of absolute believability. I can only assume that this technology is known as "a fucking time-machine" because, trust me, it's fucking crazy how good it is. I'm one of those people who spent their teenage years shunting nights out looking for pubs that might serve my underage self in favour of nights in watching old John Carpenter movies. My younger self was what you might call 'a cool motherfucker'. As a result, the image of a younger Kurt Russell is something that I've spent so many hours staring at that it's pretty much burnt onto my fucking retina, with what we see here matching it perfectly.

Was It Right To Get Rid Of Wright?

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I understand that most people actually have a life and so for those who don't know, I'll explain the situation. Basically, Ant-Man sounds like a really, really shit title for both a super-hero and a film. If you're unaware of the character's history then you'd be forgiven for imagining that he's the name of a cheap knock-off Spider-Man toy that some grotty fucker's trying to flog down the market. Even Marvel Studio's weren't that arsed about making his movie a priority until they were convinced of its potential by Geek King, writer/director Edgar Wright. For most movie nerds that name could be attached to a script called, “Sifting Through Gary Busey's Actual Shit” and we'd still be excited. As a result, the appeal to most people wasn't so much in the idea of seeing a super-hero who can shrink down to the size of a genital wart but rather in simply seeing Wrights mad-cap, kinetic, directorial style applied to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Sadly however, and after working on the film with co-writer Joe Cornish for over a decade, Wright abruptly left a few weeks before filming was due to begin. At this point we're still not entirely sure of the circumstances in which Marvel and Wright were forced to part ways, with both sides currently only explaining the event with the dreaded 'C-word'... Creative differences!*

The Ones On Who You Can Depend?

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For me, my true family are my friends. These are the people that I spend my time with by choice and not just because it's our dribbling Grandpa's last wish before he does us all a favour and kicks the bucket. Friends might be there when you're in trouble, but the real sign of closeness comes when a computer game causes you to engage in verbal abuse and nobody really cares. I had one friend tell me that he hoped that I'd die in real life and I told another to take his ugly tits and fuck right off. There was this one time when I accidentally went running down a sand dune at about two o'clock in the morning and, due to a combination of drink and gravity, I got carried away. Within seconds I was practically vertical and travelling at about two hundred miles an hour before the obvious happened and I began to fly. Tripping, I found myself hurtling headfirst into the darkness, using only my face to soften the fall and then sliding down the remainder of the way on my chest... What a knobhead! At the top of the dune were my friends who were clearly worried for my life. As I lay still at the bottom, I could hear two things from them... the first was their calls to make sure I was okay or at the very least still alive. The second was their attempts to breathe inbetween the mad fits of hysterical laughter having just witnessed my pretty decent impression of a sack of shit.

Hammer Time

As you may have noticed we're all in a bit of trouble at the minute with planet Earth having spunked most of its money up the wall. Because of the deliciously titled ‘Credit Crunch’ a lot of people are having huge difficulty finding work and for a long time I was grimly among them. I can promise you that not being able to secure a job is one of the worst experiences that I've ever had to endure and I say this as a person who has also once had to have a catheter shoved up their knob. I applied for every job that I could find without any prejudice as to how shit it might actually be. I even applied to be a Supermarket Santa despite my CV lacking the obvious requirement of me being a known paedophile. What was most annoying though was that it seemed to me that the only way to get hired for anything was to be a child of somebody who could offer a job. If you didn't start life being shot out of the employers’ genitals then it felt like your application would go instantly into a pile labelled, “Not A Bastards Chance”.

With all this in mind I have to admit that for me the Thor franchise may have the most relevant and brilliant message of any Marvel film so far.  Odin is the King of Fantasy-Land with his title one day being passed onto one of his two sons. The job is basically Thor's but he's not sure if he wants it and although Loki is embarrassingly desperate, he's pretty much been told to go fuck himself. I know this is a world of robots, alien Gods and pasty-faced elves but if you look closely you'll see that the biggest turd poking out of the arse-hole of trouble is still nepotism. If the job of being King was passed on to the right candidate and not simply the right son, Loki would never have had a titty fit about his ‘birthright’ and therefore never would have killed all those innocent people. If this had been the case then neither Loki nor Thor would have gone to Earth and the Avengers would never have been formed. So literally everything that now happens in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will only be because some cunts only give jobs to their bratty fucking kids!

Eyes like piss-holes in the snow.

The latest entry in the series is Thor: The Dark World which any intellectuals reading will deduce is a sequel to Thor and a kind of a semi-sequel to what the UK rather shitely knows as Avengers Assemble. This time around, Thor is out restoring peace to various worlds by relentlessly, undiplomatically slaughtering any troublemakers whilst Loki remains peacefully imprisoned back at home in a plastic twat-tank. At the same time there's also a puddle of demonic black jizz hidden in the universe that an evil albino elf is trying to locate so that he can more expertly express himself through the art of being a massive angry shit. Oh and there's also a million other little subplots pissing about throughout too such as Kat Dennings befriending an intern with all the skill and grace of an autistic and Stellan Skarsgard's multiple attempts at flashing his cock. I suppose the most important distraction though is Natalie Portman's relationship with Thor. Despite only spending a limited amount of time together in the first film, she is still obsessively praying for him to return like a frumpy housewife that's desperately waiting up for her boozehound husband.

So firstly I'm happy to confirm that the film was really good. If you've enjoyed Marvel's output over the last few years then I'm sure you'll like this too and if not then I sadly can't guarantee that we'll be able to remain friends any longer. One thing that really pisses me off about some films is the way in which they expect you to know shit before going in. For me, a movie really needs to be a complete experience and shouldn't rely on you having seen previous instalments, read the books, sat on the merchandised dildo or done any other unnecessary fucking homework to enjoy it. The genius of Marvel is that so far they've just about managed to walk that dickish knife-edge of producing standalone films that still further an ongoing story. If you've seen all of their previous films then this will of course be a more rewarding experience for you but if you've not and this is your first then you'll still survive being dropped in. Oh, and if this is your first Marvel film and you've managed to avoid the hyped, well-received and financially successful series, I guess the only thing I would ask is... What the fuck?

Thor 2: Probing The Dark World

One of the many ways that Marvel Studios have managed to remain so fresh is by generally avoiding making the same film twice. They've done period action, sci-fi espionage, alien invasion, camp-fantasy, and now err, well I guess a grittier-but-still-camp sci-fi-fantasy? I'm hoping that by the time they get to a Black Widow spin-off, they've run out of new genres and so for the sake of originality have to dabble in hardcore pornography. The first Thor movie had a kind of Flash Gordon vibe running through it however this sequel actually has a much muddier kind of earthy thing going on. Something tells me that the sudden loss of pantomime is probably thanks to the hiring of Game of Thrones director Alan Taylor having lost the previous films slightly less subtle Gilderoy Lockhart. Taylor both continues and expands the world that Branagh created with the results being eye bleedingly good. It's also worth noting that the sci-fi element has really been ramped up here too. People ride in weird flying lazer boats and elves are armed with both swords and fuck-off rocket launchers. In fact I'd like to say that the whole design of the film is possibly the most impressive thing about the entire movie. I'd like to say that but due to a balls up at the cinema, I was forced to see Thor: The Dark World in 3D and to put it mildly, it looked shite. Everything was slightly blurry as though I was watching it through a filter of jizz and the whole thing was also so fucking dark that I'd jump every-time I heard the booming voice of the always amazing Idris Elba. 

In terms of the film itself though, I guess my only issue really would be with the underdevelopment of a couple of characters. Like I mentioned, Natalie Portman does basically nothing other than get into trouble, wait to be shagged and spout out exposition. If you’re not a fan of bullshit science in which people run around with the phlange-o-meter whilst shouting about the location of Smeg-gasm's then prepare to be annoyed with this. The main baddie here is also pretty crap which is a shame because he's played by Christopher Eccleston who’s usually really good. However all he has to do is stomp about under layers of prosthetics and mumble in a made-up language and so his character ends up with about as much personality as a stale, puddle of dog piss. Loki is obviously around to pick up the slack and seems as he's become such a cult character over the years it does seem like a lot more time has been spent crafting his significantly wittier dialogue. This isn't a problem just yet but there's only so many times that he can be relied on before fatigue sets in and a fresh ‘quim’ becomes essential.

The action in the film is as entertaining as you'd hope and like Iron Man 3 it even manages to be funnier than most of the actual comedies that get dribbled out from the lazy cock-end of Hollywood. The final showdown here is also a great mixture of fighting and humour as Thor gets more laughs from his hammer than British TV-tit Timmy Mallet ever managed in his entire 'career'. The plot is a tiny bit on the crud side with more holes than a specialist brothel for fans of conjoined twins and there are at least a few moments in which shit happens simply because of a miraculous coincidence. Thor's arc too is kind of similar to Superman's in Superman 2 in which he must choose between his responsibilities and the love of his life. Although considering that his girlfriend here is Natalie Portman, that really isn't much of a choice. Along with a depressing amount of others, Portman is very near the top of my long list of, 'women I'm in love with that wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire'. Thor: The Dark World isn't the best film of the year but it's still really good and unless you're inconvenienced by the kindness of death then I’d strongly recommend going to see it. Just if you do go then make sure you see it in 2D as it was originally filmed. I promise that where cinema is concerned, films that are retro-fitted to 3D like this really are the artistic equivalent of and as painful as having someone stamp on your cock.  

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