31 August 2015

A Sequel To Tarantino's Bond Movie?

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Like the dead bodies of a string of slightly dim foreign women, James Bond's DNA can be found in most spy films released within the last fifty years. Like it or not but in the same way that Sean Connery might attempt to 'calm down' one of his lady friends, the Bond franchise has bitch-slapped its way to the top to become the centre pole of the genre. I don't know if you remember but back in 2004 Quentin Tarantino started flapping his face-mounted drone-machine and telling people about his plans to make a 60's set adaptation of Casino Royale starring Pierce Brosnan. Shockingly though, and despite this being the director of The Vega Brothers, Kill Bill 3, and Killer Crow, it turned out that this was all hot air with his film never actually materialising. To his credit, he did attempt to bid for the rights to make the movie but was unsurprisingly beaten by EoN who then famously used it to reboot their series. Still, at least he took it with his traditional good grace and dignity by claiming that the reason the producers subsequently denied him a chance at directing was because they were worried he'd “make it too good and fuck the rest of the series”. Still, lets say that wasn't the case.. and it definitely was.. let's say that we live in a parallel reality where the producers of Skyfall hadn't been so intimidated by the talent of the director of Death Proof and they'd actually let him make Casino Royale... Well, at least in terms of style and tone, The Man From U.N.C.L.E is basically a sequel to that movie. 

23 August 2015

Why The Purge Needed John Carpenter

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If you could get away with killing somebody, do you think you would do it? I know I would. I won't say who they are but if you've ever been within about six foot of me then you'll be more than aware of the situation. You know how some people are always banging on about the holiday they're going to plan or what they'd do if they won the lottery? Well my version of that is to try to come up with the most atrocious way for that specific person to die. My current favourite idea is to buy them a Jack-In-The-Box to wind up, though neglecting to tell them that I've replaced the springy man with a springy cup of anthrax. I told my Mum that I wanted somebody to walk up and knife the person in the face--that was fine. I then said that there isn't a cancer in the world that I didn't wish on them. My Mum then kicked off on me on the grounds that you shouldn't wish cancer on anybody... and you wonder where I get my morals from.. Apparently I've been raised to believe that slashing somebody in the kisser is okay but hoping that they get a fairly common disease is beyond fucked up. I know that I'll never commit this justified act of violence- beyond anything I've told so many people that I'd never get away with it.. but you know, I guess a boy can dream. 

16 August 2015

Defending Cruise and Identifying McQuarrie

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People used to say that Tom Cruise was hiding his homosexuality to protect his reputation. I think we can assume that's all bollocks now though because there's nothing wrong with taking it up the hoop, but believing in dead, volcanic aliens is a bit fucking weird... but then to an atheist like me, it's no more weird than claiming that there's a judgemental magician sitting in the clouds, or that Heaven is anything more than a gay bar in London. I don't care about his beliefs, I don't care that he's short and I don't care that he has a fucking weird middle-tooth. Cruise is an easy man to make fun of but that shouldn't detract from the undeniable fact that most of his films are really, really good. Okay- the middle tooth is strange and annoying; seriously, check it out. But as long as he keeps making films like Edge Of Tomorrow and Collateral, I think I can forgive him for having his teeth in the wrong place.

11 August 2015

Was The Lone Ranger Really That Bad?

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The Lone Ranger opened to such a hostile reception that most reviews of it contained less stars than the average episode of Celebrity Rehab. From hearing about its dubious casting, huge budget, and overly long duration, the American critics had already undone their collective belt before seeing the final product, squatting down and taking a shit all over it. European reviewers seemed slightly kinder to the movie but the general consensus was that the film was a total fucking mess. Like being told about that picture of 'Tub Girl' however, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to see the thing for myself. Could it really be as bad as its reputation suggested? People seemed so happy to stick the knife in that you'd assume it was the cinematic equivalent of a Piers Morgan Voodoo doll. How can a fun looking film like this be on the receiving end of such hate? Was it funded by the gold that the Nazi's had stolen from Jewish teeth and I'd just not heard? If the film was played backwards would it contain a satanic message that had the power to resurrect whichever one of the Corey's has died? I needed to see and find out for myself. 

3 August 2015

Robin Williams Was Misrepresented By The Masses

When Robin Williams died there was a genuine outpouring of love and mourning for a man that seemed to be genuinely close to most peoples hearts. For me, I'd say the key to this though is that most people are idiots. They saw his shit films when they were younger and yet to develop a true appreciation of cinema. Bear with me with this... I'm not a prick- I'm going somewhere! Most people aren't interested in the French New Wave or the history of German expressionism. I've tried to watch films several times with my Mum since I became obsessed with the medium and every time was a complete failure. She made me turn off Taxi Driver because it was old, Superman Returns because she remembered there were dishes to wash, and Memento because to quote her “What the fuck is going on”. I understand the problem though and it's simply that most people have more of a life than I do. Films for the masses are just a mixture of light and colours that can be stared at until we're all a little closer to death. In that respect, I suppose there's no way that Flubber can't be said to have done its job. It wasn't funny, well made, or in any way tolerable, but there's no denying that it had a duration.