29 October 2018

I Dare You To Stay Awake During This Film

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The 'truth' option of the game 'Truth or Dare' is only ever to find out something rude about a person or to discover what they really think about you. In which case I'll save you some time by admitting that I definitely did do that thing and no I can't fucking stand you. Obviously I'm not going to pick 'dare' because I really don't want to know which of my friends is going to use the game as an excuse to have me show them my cock. Last time I was forced to play, a friend of mine was dared to give me a back massage which seemed a bit unfair. It wasn't me being dared to do anything so why do I have to be a part of this? On the flip side I was quite in need of a massage so I figured I'd protest enough to show I wasn't up for it but not so much that it didn't actually not happen. No harm in a free massage after all is there? Well, I didn't think so either, until my friend accidentally got an erection whilst doing it. I mean.. what the fuck. Even at one of those dodgy massage places it's meant to be the client that ends up getting off and not the prick that works there. Anyway the long and short of it is that I do hate the game but at the very least I suppose it's not quite as fucking boring as the film Truth Or Dare.

22 October 2018

Death Has Returned To This Little Town

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I love the director John Carpenter as much as little fat kids love to eat at McDonald's and as much as McDonald's loves to get rich off their slow descent into a life of diabetes. His original 1978 Halloween was essentially the very first slasher film if you were to ignore 1974's Black Christmas and his scores cause me to feel an emotion that my fellow humans have assured me is called happiness. When it was announced that another Halloween film was being made, I couldn't really have given less of shit. All of the sequels had been pretty fucking bad up until that point and I would rather stick my head in the fucking oven than sit through Rob Zombie's pointless fucking remakes. However, when it was then announced that it'd be from the director of Pineapple Express and written by the comedy actor Danny McBride, I became a little curious. Kind of like when you go to a show in Amsterdam and you see all of the props that a performer is about to insert into themselves. I was confused as to what they might be aiming to achieve and I was scared that I wouldn't like whatever might eventually hit the big screen in front of me. But I was also kind of intrigued and a little excited to see what might happen anyway.

8 October 2018

Hitting Brock Bottom

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In the comic books, Venom is an alien symbiote that first attaches itself to Spider-Man before he manages to simply shake it off like it's a bit of bird shit. Like a jilted lover, the symbiote then makes its way over to Eddie Brock, one of Peter Parker's less friendly colleagues, so that the two can get all up in each other and make his life as miserable as they can. Sadly, this Venom movie has a different origin story for the black goo that disappointingly doesn't involve an alien life form and an embittered journalist deciding to hate-fuck each other to upset a super-hero. The symbiote does still crash onto our planet but this time he couldn't find Spider-Man or even dare utter his fucking name because of a rights issue that literally nobody in the world seems to understand. Is this film part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe because Spider-Man now seems to be and isn't Venom one of his most famous enemies? Sony seems to think it is, with producer Amy Pascal essentially implying as much in an interview with Marvel honcho Kevin Feige. Except to confuse the issue slightly is the fact that as she said this, Feige just happened to be demonstrating the universal facial expression for “I don't fucking think so”.

2 October 2018

Fortune Favours The Dumb

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It took me so many attempts to get my drivers licence that, had I failed my final test, then I was genuinely prepared to claim the instructor had touched me on my 'no no parts' to blackmail them into passing me. I know that sounds terrible but they were failing me over such pedantic reasons that I started to suspect they were only doing it to fund their fucking Christmas party. As a consolation, I was told that the smarter a person is, the harder they find driving because people with a brain tend to overthink a situation instead of responding naturally. “Great”, I thought, “the world favours the morons once again”. First we weren't allowed free Pogs in our packets of crisps because some knobhead chocked to death on one and now I'm paying almost a hundred fucking quid a go because I signalled before checking my twatting mirror. Well, that was ten years ago, and although to be fair it has subsequently turned out that I am just a bit of a shit driver, it seems that the world is still looking after the idiots. This was meant to be the year that writer director Alex Garland had Annihilation, the follow up to his amazing directorial debut Ex Machina, released in cinemas only to find that idea shat all over by the kingdom of the fucking dumb at the last minute.