17 December 2018

Aquaman Made Me Wet

Join us on Facebook!
The actor Jason Momoa is so good looking that he could be the the star of one of those pretentious men's fragrance adverts, and yet at the same time he also manages to look like an actual tramp. I can genuinely picture him eating a cat out of a fucking bin, but I also imagine that he'd smell fucking incredible whilst doing it. In his new film Aquaman we're introduced to him as he rescues a submarine from a band of pirates whilst topless. But why is he topless? The filmmakers must know that it's frowned upon for the audience to openly masterbate in the cinema so what are they hoping to achieve? They've also given him some weird yellow contact lenses that are meant to show that he can talk to the fish or something. Or maybe they're like built in bio-goggles? To be honest I don't know what was going on with his eyes but they were way too sinister. He's kind of like a goat in that the evil in his eyes is way out of proportion with everything else on the rest of his head. Observations like this were also distracting me for the first twenty-minutes of the film and so might be the reason that I was never entirely sure what was going on with the story. Also I spent the entire opening act in confused self-reflection when some water splashed on Aquaman's stupidly handsome hobo face during a fight and I accidentally came in my pants.

10 December 2018

Taking The Rocky Path

Join us on Facebook!
I saw a thing on Twitter the other day in which somebody asked, “What is the best bad movie that you love?” to which somebody else answered with Rocky 4, and I thought 'well, fuck the rest as that is the actual answer'. Rocky 4 is a piece of shit movie in which the franchise started snorting pure uncut 80's culture to the point that it lost its grip on reality. There are some poignant moments in it such as the death of Apollo Creed, which obviously plays into the new movie Creed 2. The rest of us however, can only really remember it for its montages. There's a montage of Stallone running up a mountain, carrying logs, and pulling sledges. At one point there's even a montage of all the other fucking montages from the previous movies. In all cases, he strains his face to resemble a kicked-in ballsack with a pair of mismatched googly-eyes stuck on it. Let's not forget the bit either in which the film pretty much stops to show us a ten minute James Brown concert for no reason whatsoever. Oh, and there's a robot butler in that one too because there was presumably too much cocaine knocking about when the script was being written. Rocky 4 is a crap movie but I'll be fucked if I don't admit that it's fun to watch.