25 November 2013

Now I Know How Joan of Arc Felt

Hunger Games was one of the few films that I went into almost completely blind as I hadn't really paid any attention to the trailers and I sure as fuck hadn't read the books.  As it turned out though I actually thought it was pretty fun...  If there's any kind of tween movie that might appeal to me then I suppose it'll be one set in a dystopian future where the penniless peasants are tormented by a ruling class of pantomime bastards. I also liked how it vaguely hinted towards being a satire of reality TV in which shitty, shite shows such as Big Brother and The Apprentice have been replaced by a Government ordered infanticide. Stealing the povvy kids and then throwing them into a gladiatorial arena to broadcast their brutal deaths might seem a bit extreme but now that Breaking Bad is over I guess we all have to watch something. I know these 'games' exist to keep the locals on their best behaviour but I'm too old to be picked, I hate children and I'm yet to produce any demented spawn of my own. If I lived in the world of this film, I'd be rounding up kids to fight like I was the fucking child-catcher for all the shits I could give about them. Still, as I say the first film was quite enjoyable and reminded me that it really has been too long since I last saw Battle Royale. I know the fans get really pissy when that Japanese Classic is mentioned but it's not insulting to highlight a comparison and they really are similar, so you know... sorry, but tough shit.

So I went into the first one blind and decided to do the same for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire too. At this point, Katniss is now just trying to get back on with her life after the horror she's been forced to endure. She's got a family to look after, is suffering badly from the trauma of her previous murders and only just has enough time to toy with the hearts and souls of the two men that she claims to be in love with. She's also being wheeled about on tour like the fucking elephant man where she's presented to the grubbier towns and forced to vomit out a speech load of bollocks. Because if you're a mourning parent, nothing makes you feel better than being buttered up by the bitch whose refusal to die is the direct cause of your own child’s horrendous death! Despite this though, Katniss has become quite the figure of hope since the last film with her climactic suicide attempt being seen as an inspirational message of “fuck you” to the twats in charge. To be fair if we have to have a face plastered on every T-shirt and adorning the walls of every clichéd students’ bedroom then Jennifer Lawrence does place moderately higher than Che Guevara in a round of 'rate the hotties'. Because of this apathy killing bullshit, Donald Sutherland's President Snow begins to ponder how best to get rid of Katniss before the ungratefully abused begin a tramps’ rebellion. Thankfully though, and just in the nick of time, Philip Seymour Hoffman arrives straight from the set of some other film to suggest that they simply sling Katniss back into the arena. Because it is conveniently the 75th year of slaughter-joy, it is announced that all surviving previous winners will be forced to play together in a kind of ex-kiddie-slayer/Avengers style cross over.

In case you've forgotten, the chap on the right is 'Boring Pete'.
Okay so let’s start with the obvious problem which is that tragically, this poor little thing has been struck down by a bad case of middle-film syndrome. I guess what I mean by this is that if you haven't seen the first one then you're going to be pretty fucked in terms of following everything here. It just kind of assumes that you'll know who the characters are and it doesn't really explain exactly what they've previously been through. There's one scene in which the little girl who was killed in the last film has had her image painted onto the floor to taunt Katniss. However if you'd forgotten or simply didn't know the importance of that character then it just looks like some poor unfortunate has suffered the flattening effects of a parachute failure. This didn't bother me personally because I'd seen the previous film and I really don't care about people who aren't me, however what did piss me off was the film’s end which was so noticeably absent it was like somebody had suffered a dicky fit and spontaneously decided to  kick us out of the cinema. I mean yes, some vaguely climactic fuckey-uppery had just gone down but nothing suggested that we were only seconds away from the credits. I understand that we now live in a world where the next film is more important than the current one but it would be nice if we were left with at least a small feeling of resolution… The Marvel films are obsessed with the idea of an ongoing story but every single one of their entries has still managed to both continue the overall narrative and remain admirably stand alone. Maybe this will be more forgivable once the The Hunger Games franchise has concluded and I can see everything in context but right now it was just a full-on pain in the tits.

The other problem I think is that despite not explaining the last film too well for any newcomers it does kind of go on to just replay it beat for beat. The first hour is spent explaining why Katniss is going to be taking part in the games and the second half shows her attempt at surviving them. In terms of a broad arc, these two films are about as different as chalk and cheese... if the cheese was also made out of chalk, which is kind of a shame really because I actually think that this second film is better than the first in almost every single way. Previously the focus was on the happy slashing of children however this time there is a lot more emphasis on simply enduring the experience. The gang of misfits that form together to survive are, I think, actually a lot stronger this time around with some even daring to adventure further than the land of archetypes and almost into the crazy world of being proper characters. There's a little old lady that turns up, for example, who shows more emotion in her crusty Grandma Death eyes than some tween films even achieve in their entire franchise. I don't know if the biddy was an actual actress or not but by the way in which she gets Yoda-style piggy backs everywhere I'm pretty sure she must have been created within the Jim Henson Workshop.

Having said that, when it comes to the games in Catching Fire, there are two very distinct groups of people... There are the 'almost characters' that I've just mentioned and then there are the 'very much not characters', who unsurprisingly don't do so well. Take it for granted that every-time the canon is fired and an image of a newly deceased is shown, you'll almost definitely wonder who the fuck they were. In fact it's almost like a short term memory test in which they flash up a photo of some random extra and then you have to try and remember which scene they were probably in. I suppose there's also a kind of minor third group too who are the, 'very much not characters but who are also very obviously cunts'. These are the shit stained, arse holes with sharpened teeth and bollocks for faces that are hyped up before the games begin and who are presumably meant to be this films lethal gang of killer twats. However once everything kicks off, we almost never see them again as Katniss instead finds danger simply from the environment. Not that this isn't thrilling in itself but it just seems odd to do so much setting up only to ultimately go and fuck it off. Instead, the majority of the excitement instead comes from destructive tsunamis, mental monkeys and a fog that causes such bad acne that anybody to get caught by it simply drops dead from shame.

I've always been a fan of subtle films...
In terms of huge improvements, I think that this film really did a great job of helping the colourful Oz-like world of The Capital mesh with the poorer district's depressing plot of dirt. For me, one of the biggest faults previously was the way in which the two contrasting looks didn't blend at all. It was like watching a character travelling from the grit of Deadwood towards the camp glitz of an Elton John stage show where he's frumping about in full Dame mode. I can't say for sure how they've fixed this but I imagine it's probably in a slight shift of the colour pallet so that the leap from misery to money isn't quite such a wanking-hand slap to the face. I also thought the special effects in general were a lot better here with pretty much everything on screen seeming perfectly real to me. Well, I mean Stanley Tucci's teeth didn't look real as they were so blindingly white that they required the use of a pinhole viewer to see, however these were obviously exaggerated to prove a point. It seems like the effects budget of the first film was spunked onto maintaining Wes Bentley's demented beard. Now that he's gone I guess they had the money left over to ensure that the effects were now more effective than shoving some bubble-gum under your eyelids and then face planting some clip art.

I suppose I'll conclude now by just mentioning what it actually is that makes Catching Fire so great and explain the reason for the blog title. The one thing that alone justifies the price of the ticket is simply Jennifer Lawrence. There are so many things that are great about her that I'm pretty sure that the only logical way that I can truly express my appreciation is to now just use my cock to type out the word LOVE. We live in a sexist world in which most big films only really cater to fourteen year old boys who would probably much prefer to ironically download it illegally having recently discovered -and prioritised- masturbation. As such, Katniss is a really important character considering that she's not only a strong non-man but she's also a non-man that has her priorities right. There are two slightly dull guys trying to love-hump her and although she kind of messes them about a bit, she knows that above everything surviving is the number one goal. Whereas most females on film only exist to validate the masculinity of the main character through the use of some downstairs gushiness, Katniss is both completely independent and also a rabble rousing hero to the smelly old down-and-outs. Obviously the most famous female revolutionary in our history is probably Joan of Arc who is clearly an inspiration here with one clue being Katniss's burnt-at-the-stake style of dress. I therefore decided to call the blog, “I know how Joan of Arc Felt”, because despite being male I was still able to relate to the lead character. I felt that this title might highlight the fact that it's about time that filmmakers realised that our species actually consists of two genders and that it might be about time to start representing both a little more equally. Perhaps even more importantly than that though, the title is also lyrics from a song by The Smiths of whom I'm a huge fan. If you already knew the reference then we can be friends. If you didn't then I really do hope you enjoyed the film but as far as 'me and you' are concerned it would simply never work. Sorry.. and see you next blog.

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18 November 2013

Falling With Style

Gravity begins with three astronauts floating about in space like a few of lumps of turd as they attempt to fix the Hubble Telescope. Thirteen minutes later there's only two astronauts left, the telescope is gone, shrapnel is flying around destroying everything in its path and we're still waiting for somebody to cut to the second fucking shot. From this point on we're pretty much left with just George Clooney and Sandra Bullock as they bob about in space and try to figure out how to get back down to Earth without their rocket. Not only that but Bullock's oxygen supply is dangerously low and the shrapnel is looping right back towards them. Will Robinson's problem really was a piece of piss compared to these two who are not so much lost as they are well and truly fucked in space.

As far as the story goes, that's pretty much all there is to it. In fact it seems ironic that for a film as technically brilliant as this, everything about it kind of smacks of simplicity. Gravity presents itself as one of the more intellectual sci-fi films out there with posters and trailers hinting more towards Tarkovsky and Kubrick than Lucas and Spielberg. However there are a lot of big themes explored in 2001: Space Odyssey and even Solaris has a shit load more ideas than it does story. In fact if you want a heads up about Solaris then I really suggest that you go for the remake instead which is fairly faithful in terms of  concept but thankfully has a running time that feels about four days fucking shorter. Compared to these two monoliths of the genre, Gravity really only has the one main theme running through it and that is the idea of rebirth.

To infinity and beyond!
The characters themselves are also fairly simply drawn with Bullock playing a timid rookie with a tragic backstory and Clooney playing himself as a kind of live action version of Buzz Lightyear. In regards to Clooney being Clooney- well, that's fine because he does it well and he seems like he'd be a good guy to hang out with. Woody Allen only ever plays himself and nobody ever complains about that and he's even at a point where if he doesn't appear on screen, he just casts somebody else as his-fucking-self instead. Clooney's calming charm also works really well against Bullock's slightly more jittery newcomer who seems about as comfortable in outer-space as a nun might during an explosion at a rubber-cock factory. As simple as the characters are however both actors are absolutely phenomenal with Bullock actually delivering the performance of her career. I know it might seem hard to believe but she really is better in this existential space thriller then she was in such modern classics as The Lake House, The Proposal and Speed 2: Cruise Control. Urgh... For a great actress, she hasn't half done a lot of shit in her time.

The rebirth elements come in as Bullock attempts to not only get home but also get over her crappy-as-crap past. After the initial disaster takes place she finds herself floating in a small pod where she strips off her suit and ends up curled into the foetal position. This is one of the many nods towards the main theme with another coming near the end in which a character has to metaphorically crawl out of a primordial soup akin to that first cheeky bastard of a fish that thought it could walk. It's also fun to notice that when Bullock strips off in the pod, the scene plays out like an homage to the opening of Barbarella but where you're expected be thinking rather than wanking. Although having said that, Bullock does look amazingly great for a woman who is almost fifty and well over half way to probably being dead. People keep saying that this is the first film to actually justify being seen in 3D and from the moment she started to strip off it became blatantly obvious as to why that might be.

Anyway, so as well as Barbarella, the film also contains references to Wall-E, Star Wars and even Jaws. In fact director Alfonso Cuaron is even on record as saying that the structure of the film was inspired by Spielberg’s Duel which was about a demented Lorry driver that couldn't help but act the twat. It may look like a classy type of film but the reality is that Gravity couldn't be more of a popcorn-munching slab of trash if it wanted to be. As thrill-rides go, this really is the cinematic equivalent of an adrenaline shot to the cock. From the moment things go proper titty-slapping wrong, the pace barely relents as at every possible opportunity everything goes from bad to completely fucking worse. You know the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark in which Indiana Jones escapes one trap only to jump right it another dick rash of a problem? Well Gravity is like that kind of bullshittery but with the added challenge of there being no gravity or stability and only a glass helmet to stop Bullock's arse hole being sucked through one of her eye sockets.

Suspense as Bullock remembers where she stored the love eggs.
On the surface this really does look like a Kubrick film with the most painfully precise camera movements and even a story that's blatantly reminiscent of that bit in 2001 where Hal became a big red knobhead, however below that and despite the posters, it really is just a Spielberg-ian roller-coaster in which a couple of big ideas are twinned with action that's so gripping that it could shatter a pensioners wrinkled old fingering fingers. In fact there's only really one bit where everything kind of grinds to a halt in a scene that may possibly divide audiences into those who like it and those who didn't. Without spoiling anything, it's the odd bit nearish to the end when Bullock is visited by a kind of guardian who provides her with an answer to one of her biggest noodle-scratchers. Personally I thought this scene was excellent but I can see why people might disagree with it... Firstly it is a little out of the blue and secondly we can't all be right. This bit also kind of hints towards the other smaller theme of the film which is about finding spirituality. But it's not really hammered home too much and isn't exactly the most original of ideas for a film like this to probe. Although for the record, when this film is out on DVD, I am going to have a fucking amazing night watching a triple bill of Gravity and the tonally similar Moon and Sunshine. Being single is great because it means I can do that kind of thing without having to worry if my loved one minds! On the downside I'm currently likely to die both alone and unloved. Ah well... swings and roundabouts.

So I think it's obvious that I really loved this movie and if you still want to be one of the cool kids then I really suggest you check Gravity out. Every so often there'll be a Matrix or Inception type film that marries quality with action and unites both critics with paying audiences and that's exactly what this is. If we want more original movies that dare to show some intelligence then paying to see Gravity really is a step towards making it happen. I guess I'll therefore conclude by also saying that the special effects too are absolutely phenomenal as we're treated to the most spectacular glimpses of the Earth and stars that I've ever seen on the big screen. In general I do hate 3D films with a passion because, to put it technically, the effect is both pointless and shit. I was forced to see Thor: The Dark World in 3D recently and as I said in that blog, it was like staring into a dark void through a layer of greasy, man-jizz. However the rumours are true and if there's one film to see in this format it really is Gravity. If the curvature of Bullock’s arse isn't your cup of tea then to see the curvature of our planet like this really is a movie experience that I don't think I'll ever forget. The images on show in Gravity couldn't be more beautiful had they been farted onto a silk canvas by God after having drank a litre of paint from an angel’s vagina. This film really is as good as you've heard.  

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11 November 2013

Hammer Time

As you may have noticed we're all in a bit of trouble at the minute with planet Earth having spunked most of its money up the wall. Because of the deliciously titled ‘Credit Crunch’ a lot of people are having huge difficulty finding work and for a long time I was grimly among them. I can promise you that not being able to secure a job is one of the worst experiences that I've ever had to endure and I say this as a person who has also once had to have a catheter shoved up their knob. I applied for every job that I could find without any prejudice as to how shit it might actually be. I even applied to be a Supermarket Santa despite my CV lacking the obvious requirement of me being a known paedophile. What was most annoying though was that it seemed to me that the only way to get hired for anything was to be a child of somebody who could offer a job. If you didn't start life being shot out of the employers’ genitals then it felt like your application would go instantly into a pile labelled, “Not A Bastards Chance”.

With all this in mind I have to admit that for me the Thor franchise may have the most relevant and brilliant message of any Marvel film so far.  Odin is the King of Fantasy-Land with his title one day being passed onto one of his two sons. The job is basically Thor's but he's not sure if he wants it and although Loki is embarrassingly desperate, he's pretty much been told to go fuck himself. I know this is a world of robots, alien Gods and pasty-faced elves but if you look closely you'll see that the biggest turd poking out of the arse-hole of trouble is still nepotism. If the job of being King was passed on to the right candidate and not simply the right son, Loki would never have had a titty fit about his ‘birthright’ and therefore never would have killed all those innocent people. If this had been the case then neither Loki nor Thor would have gone to Earth and the Avengers would never have been formed. So literally everything that now happens in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will only be because some cunts only give jobs to their bratty fucking kids!

Eyes like piss-holes in the snow.
The latest entry in the series is Thor: The Dark World which any intellectuals reading will deduce is a sequel to Thor and a kind of a semi-sequel to what the UK rather shitely knows as Avengers Assemble. This time around, Thor is out restoring peace to various worlds by relentlessly, undiplomatically slaughtering any troublemakers whilst Loki remains peacefully imprisoned back at home in a plastic twat-tank. At the same time there's also a puddle of demonic black jizz hidden in the universe that an evil albino elf is trying to locate so that he can more expertly express himself through the art of being a massive angry shit. Oh and there's also a million other little subplots pissing about throughout too such as Kat Dennings befriending an intern with all the skill and grace of an autistic and Stellan Skarsgard's multiple attempts at flashing his cock. I suppose the most important distraction though is Natalie Portman's relationship with Thor. Despite only spending a limited amount of time together in the first film, she is still obsessively praying for him to return like a frumpy housewife that's desperately waiting up for her boozehound husband.

So firstly I'm happy to confirm that the film was really good. If you've enjoyed Marvel's output over the last few years then I'm sure you'll like this too and if not then I sadly can't guarantee that we'll be able to remain friends any longer. One thing that really pisses me off about some films is the way in which they expect you to know shit before going in. For me, a movie really needs to be a complete experience and shouldn't rely on you having seen previous instalments, read the books, sat on the merchandised dildo or done any other unnecessary fucking homework to enjoy it. The genius of Marvel is that so far they've just about managed to walk that dickish knife-edge of producing standalone films that still further an ongoing story. If you've seen all of their previous films then this will of course be a more rewarding experience for you but if you've not and this is your first then you'll still survive being dropped in. Oh, and if this is your first Marvel film and you've managed to avoid the hyped, well-received and financially successful series, I guess the only thing I would ask is... What the fuck?

Thor 2: Probing The Dark World
One of the many ways that Marvel Studios have managed to remain so fresh is by generally avoiding making the same film twice. They've done period action, sci-fi espionage, alien invasion, camp-fantasy, and now err, well I guess a grittier-but-still-camp sci-fi-fantasy? I'm hoping that by the time they get to a Black Widow spin-off, they've run out of new genres and so for the sake of originality have to dabble in hardcore pornography. The first Thor movie had a kind of Flash Gordon vibe running through it however this sequel actually has a much muddier kind of earthy thing going on. Something tells me that the sudden loss of pantomime is probably thanks to the hiring of Game of Thrones director Alan Taylor having lost the previous films slightly less subtle Gilderoy Lockhart. Taylor both continues and expands the world that Branagh created with the results being eye bleedingly good. It's also worth noting that the sci-fi element has really been ramped up here too. People ride in weird flying lazer boats and elves are armed with both swords and fuck-off rocket launchers. In fact I'd like to say that the whole design of the film is possibly the most impressive thing about the entire movie. I'd like to say that but due to a balls up at the cinema, I was forced to see Thor: The Dark World in 3D and to put it mildly, it looked shite. Everything was slightly blurry as though I was watching it through a filter of jizz and the whole thing was also so fucking dark that I'd jump every-time I heard the booming voice of the always amazing Idris Elba. 

In terms of the film itself though, I guess my only issue really would be with the underdevelopment of a couple of characters. Like I mentioned, Natalie Portman does basically nothing other than get into trouble, wait to be shagged and spout out exposition. If you’re not a fan of bullshit science in which people run around with the phlange-o-meter whilst shouting about the location of Smeg-gasm's then prepare to be annoyed with this. The main baddie here is also pretty crap which is a shame because he's played by Christopher Eccleston who’s usually really good. However all he has to do is stomp about under layers of prosthetics and mumble in a made-up language and so his character ends up with about as much personality as a stale, puddle of dog piss. Loki is obviously around to pick up the slack and seems as he's become such a cult character over the years it does seem like a lot more time has been spent crafting his significantly wittier dialogue. This isn't a problem just yet but there's only so many times that he can be relied on before fatigue sets in and a fresh ‘quim’ becomes essential.

The action in the film is as entertaining as you'd hope and like Iron Man 3 it even manages to be funnier than most of the actual comedies that get dribbled out from the lazy cock-end of Hollywood. The final showdown here is also a great mixture of fighting and humour as Thor gets more laughs from his hammer than British TV-tit Timmy Mallet ever managed in his entire 'career'. The plot is a tiny bit on the crud side with more holes than a specialist brothel for fans of conjoined twins and there are at least a few moments in which shit happens simply because of a miraculous coincidence. Thor's arc too is kind of similar to Superman's in Superman 2 in which he must choose between his responsibilities and the love of his life. Although considering that his girlfriend here is Natalie Portman, that really isn't much of a choice. Along with a depressing amount of others, Portman is very near the top of my long list of, 'women I'm in love with that wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire'. Thor: The Dark World isn't the best film of the year but it's still really good and unless you're inconvenienced by the kindness of death then I’d strongly recommend going to see it. Just if you do go then make sure you see it in 2D as it was originally filmed. I promise that where cinema is concerned, films that are retro-fitted to 3D like this really are the artistic equivalent of and as painful as having someone stamp on your cock.  

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4 November 2013

The Scum of the Universe?

Okay, so I'll say right now that it's going to be a pain in the tits to discuss Ender's Game without spoiling anything. The entire point of the film is more or less revealed during its conclusion which pretty much makes it a proper bollock-ache to talk about. Anybody who’s seen the masterpiece that is A Serious Man will know exactly what I mean by this... anyone who hasn't needs to sort their lives out and see it right the-fuck away. If you've not seen Ender's Game yet then don't worry because I'm like a smack-addict were blog hits are concerned and so will write this to suit everybody. I know you didn't need to know this but just like when Lucius Fox invented a cure to the Scarecrows fear toxin, I just want you to be aware of the fucking effort that I'm putting in.

So I guess we should get the controversy out of the way at the beginning... Orson Scott Card is the author of the original book that the new film Ender's Game is based on and he's a cunt. As it turns out he's a massive fucking homophobe who seems to have upset quite a few people with his stupidly shit views on same sex relations. To sum them up, he basically doesn't like the idea of people rubbing their matching genitals up against each other and that those who do “cannot be permitted to remain as acceptable, equal citizens within that society." He's also a full-on God botherer which I assume must be where this twattish outlook is coming from. Personally I couldn't give a turd about what the guy thinks because I really couldn't give a turd about him... but if I have to pick between the bullshit morals of an unproven God or the acceptance of ‘real love between two real humans’ then I'm afraid that the magical sky-man can go fuck himself. Sadly though, by disillusioning so many people, several groups have been loudly shouting for us to boycott the movie adaptation of this demented twat’s book. Despite this though, and as much as I can understand their anger, I guess this is a stance that I can't really condone either as I do believe that you really need to separate the art form the artist. Polanski's Chinatown is a masterpiece but that doesn't mean the film in anyway endorses the director’s previous hobby of doping up kids and then fucking them up the arse. I actually do have some advice on how to get around this problem but I'll save it until the end because firstly, this paragraph is getting way too long and secondly I can never think how to end these blogs. Anyway so prepare yourself for paragraph three where I think I'll talk about the films plot.

"So.. I see you're a scrawny slab of nothing..."
Ever the man of my word, the films plot takes place in the slightly distant future when an alien race has invaded Earth. In the book, the creatures are referred to as 'buggers' although thankfully because not everybody is a gay hating arse-maggot, that's not the case here. Luckily for us the alien invasion is halted when a heroic pilot flies straight into their Queen's mothership and suicide-bombs the shit out of her. Just like every other alien movie, it seems that despite their vast numbers all you have to do to kill them all is simply kill off their boss. If that is the case and you're an alien race that's smart enough to master intergalactic space travel then maybe next time leave the fucking Queen safely at home, hey? If my life depended solely on the survival of another then I'd have them securely locked up in my basement Joseph Fritzl-style and not paraded about in a war zone like a massive neon retard. Anyway a few years later we war-mongering humans are pretty paranoid that the aliens will soon return but with the advantage of now being fully pissed off. To prepare for this a scheme has been implemented in which kids that may prove useful are located and trained up to become child soldiers. I'm not sure who thought this would be a good idea but it's nice to see that America will eventually adopt the militaristic policies of Joseph Kony. Anyway, so at Battle School a lanky kid named Ender is discovered who, despite having legs that seem to go all the way up to his shoulders, is quickly believed to be “The One”. Although I've seen so many films about “The One” now that the term’s exclusivity seems to have been completely raped into meaninglessness. Because of this, Ender is therefore put through a series of rigorous tests to determine whether or not he can save us from being buggered by the buggers. After their initial defeat the aliens are still weak and yet to retaliate and so our plan is therefore to find a way of heroically kicking the shit out of them whilst they are both down and still vulnerable.

Okay so despite all the controversy, the main thing to say about this film is that regardless of all the clichés I actually thought it was really good. I hadn't read the book, I didn't really remember the trailers and if anything I went in thinking that it probably wouldn't be worthy of Harrison Ford's nerdgasmic, sci-fi legacy. Well, I came out still thinking that too, to be honest, but although this might not be Blade Runner or Star Wars, that's not to say he doesn't elevate the thing by simply turning up. For the most part, the film is just Harry Potter in space where our fate depends on the adventures of some pale young gonk as he attends a suspiciously paedophile-free but magical boarding school. There's even a gravity-free room here in which everybody floats about playing a dumbed down version of Quidditch. Although considering that the rules of actual Quidditch are about as complicated as a Victorian tarts’ anal pubes, this is really no bad thing. However, what is predominantly an averagely good film is donkey-punched into being a hell of a lot more interesting by a game-changing last act twist. Ender's Game deals with the morality of war, what it means to be human, the battle between ethics and victory, the merits of genocide and the theft of childhood. For a film that's based on the works of such a prejudiced fuckwit there is also a surprisingly blatant theme of tolerance present here as well. Like Starship Troopers before it, Ender's Game is further proof that a book shat out of a twats mind can still make an unrelatedly entertaining movie.

"You're the fucking problem you fucking Dr. White honkin' jam-rag
fucking spunk-bubble!"
Starring in the lead role of Ender is Asa Butterfield who has to have the dandiest fucking name I've ever heard. However considering the complexity of the character, he doesn't do too badly for someone so young. Not only does Ender have the burden of humanities survival resting on his frail cracker shoulders but he's also got his own sanity to deal with as he tries to decide whether he's a leader or a sociopath. I won't say he's great in the role but other than a de-pubified DeNiro, I think a lot of people would struggle with such a range. Like I said before, Harrison Ford is as great as you'd expect him to be, being both stubborn and sort of understandable despite the curse of a fairly two dimensional character. There's a bunch of other kids too but most of them are fairly forgettable leaving only a vague memory of irritation. The girl from True Grit was alright I guess but as a devout hater of children I'd still keep her shackled up in an attic until she was old enough to be interesting. Viola Davis is somebody that's usually really good but was given fairly little to do beyond argue ethics with Harrison Ford and then storm out like a trampled wife whose realised the dinner is burning. This therefore only leaves Ben Kingsley to leave an impression which is obviously achieved when he opens his mouth and reveals the random fucking accent of the week that he's been playing with. It's also amusing to see that despite the extremism of his Darth Maul-style face tattoos, Sir Ben is still maintaining that bald head and goatee combo that he's been rocking since the dawn of time.

I guess the only thing left to mention is the action and quality of special effects which here are both capable and engaging. I mention the effects only because director Gavin Hood’s previous film was X-men Origins: Wolverine which looked so bad it was like the CG had been shat out of a pixel factory during national 'fuck-up at work day'. It also goes without saying that Ender's Game is significantly better written than Hood’s previous film although that's probably obvious considering that a fat man could produce a better script if he farted a few pebbles across a keyboard. I was a little confused about why they were rearing child soldiers when adults could just as easily do the job. However, because I'm in a generous mood I'll assume that must be because I missed something and not because the film didn't explain enough as to why this was the case. The action is as engaging as any half decent action film ever is although it does lack the jizzy-rainbow of imagination that made Pacific Rim such an artistic twat-hammer to the eyes.

I understand that people don't want to see this film because they don't want their hard earned cash going into the original authors grubby, hate-filled pockets, but due to its brain, discussions on morality, themes of tolerance and Harrison-fucking-Ford I do think that the film deserves to be seen. The news hitting the web right now suggests that Card won't receive a penny of the films profits which, if true, is surely enough of a reason to at least not intentionally boycott it anyway. If however that's still not enough for you then here is my potential solution that I promised you earlier on. Say you spend about £9ish on a cinema ticket then why not also/instead simply post a steaming pile of dog shit to Card’s house? That way you get to see the film and he'll spend the money he may have made on carpet cleaner and air-freshener. Maybe this doesn't sound harsh enough considering that he basically has a Hitler-esque hate for a large portion of members of our species, however there was this one time that my dog sprayed a chocolaty soup of shite onto the kitchen floor that was so fucking rancid that cleaning it up caused my Dad to unexpectedly expel a mouthful of vomit down himself. I promise you that watching that was both the funniest and lowest moment of my entire life. Ugh, see even after setting myself up for an easy end this still doesn't feel conclusive enough because that last bit wasn't really about the film. I guess therefore I'll just give up and say that the next sentence will be the actual end of this week’s blog. And ever the man of my word, it is.

Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.