27 August 2019

The Monster Book Of Monsters

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Did you see the remake of The Evil Dead? Do you know what I'd do if I found a book that was wrapped in human skin and tied shut with a piece of barbed wire? I'd throw it in the fucking bin. I read some porn that I found in the bushes as a kid once and that was fucking bad enough. Well.. I didn't read it but I was still frightened by what I saw. There are so many horror movies though in which the main characters find a clearly horrific piece of reading material and then start flicking through it like they've picked up the latest fucking Jack Reacher. I don't mean to sound too shitty but if you're hoping to pick up the latest best-seller for your book club then it's probably not going to be the one that you found in the bowels of a cursed fucking pyramid is it? The latest film to feature this as a plot device is the Guillermo Del Toro produced Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark in which a group of teenaged kids find a book that's written in blood and decide to take it home with them. Why would you do that? If I'm going to put myself at risk of catching AIDs then I can think of more fun ways of doing it than attempting a bit of light fucking reading. 

19 August 2019

The Sharon Situation

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Do you remember when Harry Potter was forced to put his face into Dumbledore's bowl of jizz in order to relive old memories? I think it was the film in which the old wizard had been wanking so hard that his hand had turned black and it looked like it was about to drop off. I literally dread to think what his dick must have looked like by that point. Well Once Upon A Time... In Hollywood is exactly like being waterboarded by that spaff bucket and being forced to remember Los Angeles in 1969. In fact the world is so brilliantly created that I genuinely found it to be a more believable place than some of the Butlins Holiday camps I've been to. The film focuses on three different characters who weave in and out of each others' stories despite the fact that fuck all seems to happen for the bulk of the running time. DiCaprio's Rick Dalton is a washed up TV actor that's trying to break into films before his sense of failure becomes too overpowering and he's forced to top himself. I guess suicide was how failed actors coped before reality tv was invented. Brad Pitt's Cliff Booth is Dalton's best-friend and stunt-double who makes money during his downtime by acting as his partners handyman. The kind of handyman who fixes broken shit around the house, though and not the kind that's forced to tug you off whenever you need it. Although you get the feeling that they're only ever one drink away from that. Finally there's also Sharon Tate who simply seems to float about the movie like an angelic moth that's constantly being drawn to the bright lights of the big screen. 


12 August 2019

A Disappointing Shaft?

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So I watched a Shaft film for the first time ever the other night. As in, the blaxploitation franchise, obviously. That's not just what I call pornos. If that was the case then I'd have to say that I'd spent my teenage years attempting to find the limit of how many shaft films that a single brain could take. I suppose that I should clarify further too that I didn't actually watch Shaft, the 1971 film featuring Richard Roundtree as Shaft, or even Shaft the 2000 film featuring Samuel L Jackson as Shaft. But rather I watched Shaft the 2019 film with Richard Roundtree, Samuel L Jackson and some young dweeb called Jessie Usher as Shaft, Shaft, and just one more Shaft. Essentially this film works on the same principle of a gangbang in that it assumes that the more Shafts there are, the more fun things will be. Roundtree is the oldest Shaft and father to Jackson's Shaft II, who in turn is the father of Usher's Shaft Jr. I also guess that the characters of Shaft are about as imaginative at naming their children as the filmmakers are with this franchise. There are only five Shaft films with three of them being called Shaft. Where's the fun in that? Has anybody even told them that the shaft is also what we call the bit of a dick that isn't the tip? It'd be ironic if not because I spent this movie hating these characters so much that where I was supposed to see three Shafts I could only really see three bellends.

5 August 2019

Better Than Shakespeare?

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The trailer to Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw played at the cinema the other day and I heard a couple of teenaged boys exclaim that “these films have gotten too stupid now”. “Err.. no. Actually, you've gotten too stupid now, you fucking little dweebs” is what I screamed back at them with the power of my mind. This franchise started as a flat-out rip-off of Point Break but in which Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze had been replaced by a couple of bargain-basement understudies. It wasn't until the fifth instalment in which The Rock arrived to kick the doors off the franchise that it finally evolved from something tediously dull and into something enjoyably so. The stupider the films became and the more stubbornly oblivious Vin Diesel remained to the fact that he was now in a comedy, the better they seemed to get. In the way that a shark can smell a drop of blood in a mile of ocean however, it was only a matter of time until the scent of this dumb action comedy would attract the attention of Jason Statham. He entered the series by murdering one of the key members of the lead gang before being locked up in a maximum-security prison for attempting to kill the rest of them. But it's all good because they're all cool now.