11 March 2019

Seeing Captain Marvel As A Whole

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With the release of Captain Marvel, it seems that Hollywood has come a long way. I'm just looking at the IMDb trivia for that film in particular and it claims that due to lead actress Brie Larson's allergy to cats that all of her scenes with the feline of the movie were filmed with either a puppet or a computer-generated VFX. In 1939's The Wizard Of Oz the actor playing the Tin Man had a reaction to his make-up which left him in the hospital and at death's door. Could they have changed the make-up for him to return to the role? Probably. But when somebody starts acting like a fucking diva and demanding that you don't kill them then why the fuck should you bother? Plus if he's moaning now then you can only imagine how much of a pain he'd be in a later scene when finding out that the prop snow being thrown in his face is actually asbestos. None of that is a lie either by the way and so you know that if they'd made Captain Marvel back in the day that they'd have just smeared that fucking cat all over Brie Larson's face until she either developed an immunity to it or dropped the fuck dead. Not that they'd have even made this movie back in the day, because, who the fuck wants to see an action movie with a woman in the lead role?

Apparently, Captain Marvel has received quite a lot of backlash from people who are absolutely outraged that the lead character is the kind of human to have tits and not just because they happen to be a big fat man. It seems that there's nothing that a straight white guy likes to look at more than a hunky hero with a big old cock and they really lose their shit if they don't get what they want. Although it's not like any of the characters fight naked and so couldn't they just imagine that Brie Larson has a penis if it bothers them that much? Or is it not really about the penis, but the political correctness that they don't like? That after a hundred years of movies being almost exclusively male orientated that along with Wonder Woman there's a handful starting to come along that suggests women might also be humans and therefore equally as interesting? Because if it's the concept of equality that you don't like being rammed down your throat then I guess you're actually pretty lucky. Had this movie been made back in the day then the woman wanting the lead role would have had something much more unpleasant rammed down her throat and I suspect it would have left a significantly more bitter taste. 

Of course, if you're going to start making films that focus on female characters then it'll probably help to make sure that they're good. In which case, Captain Marvel is off to a great start because I thought it was fucking incredible. I have no idea what it was about or how to explain it because everybody is either a shapeshifting alien or simply a double-crossing bullshitter. But it's basically about a woman fighting in an alien war despite not being able to remember who she is or how she got there. Women, 'ey? They wouldn't remember their own names if their heads weren't screwed on and fitted with an inhibitor chip. At some point, she's in a spaceship thing too and ends up crashing it down on Earth where she's able to investigate who she is and what's really going on. Bloody women drivers 'ey?!! During this period she teams up with Samuel L Jackson's Nick Fury who has both of his eyes here due to it being set in the mid-'90s and before his eye-patch wearing introduction in 2008's Iron Man. This was also where most of my focus ended up going too as I knew both of these characters would survive because they're in future movies. But Fury's eye? That was my main source of concern to the point that it may as well have turned up wearing a red shirt from fucking Star Trek

So Captain Marvel is kind of like a cross between Superman and Jason Bourne because she's a superhero that can fly and all of that shit but she also only has flashes of memory as to who she actually is. At one point she has to prove to her friend that she's now a superhero by holding a pot of tea and using her power to boil it in seconds. As an English person, I can honestly say that this was the most thrilling thing that I've ever seen committed to celluloid. I couldn't give a flying fuck what your gender is or whether you can shoot lasers from your arse-hole but if you can make a cup of tea in only a few seconds then I'm basically yours. I was also wondering about the fucking magic of making Samuel L Jackson look almost thirty years younger and how flawless that technology now is. As a comic book company, Marvel was actually close to bankruptcy in the '90s and I'm starting to think it was because they were paying actors like him, Michael Douglas, Kurt Russell, and Laurence Fishburne to just film some random shit that they've saved all this time to crack out now. 

It actually also depresses the fuck out of me that a film set in the '90s is now a notable period piece considering that that's the first decade that I have actual memories of. Not that I could stay down in the dumps about it for too long with Captain Marvel being such an uplifting film. Of course, there are things that you could legitimately criticise the film about. The very fact that she has no clue who she is makes it hard to invest into her until later on, but she's still fun to watch in the meantime and that's pretty much the problem with every character to suffer from amnesia isn't it? But it really does take the thickest piece of misogynist shit to take against this movie simply because it's about a woman. I would make jokes about them being insecure about the size of their crusty little dicks that I suspect look like a half trodden on slug but the reality is that they're just fucking dumb. Obviously, the film has a feminist message to it with almost every song on the soundtrack being a female-led band from the '90s. But that's not to say that it's shitting all over men with it instead simply suggesting that maybe women have some value too... And I don't mean in an Amsterdam-window kind of way. 

When Captain Marvel finally discovers her full potential we're treated to a montage of her getting back up from all of the scrapes throughout her life and I honestly could have cried. Not because I could see my well-built, long-standing wall of patriarchy beginning to crumble but because I was invested in the character and I have enough empathy to feel for somebody regardless of the fact that they have a front bum. Especially because this film doesn't even have the hint of a love interest for her which makes her the fictional character that I can actually relate to the fucking most. Also despite the fact that I'm incapable of finding a female that doesn't look at me with absolute revulsion, I have friends that have actually started pro-creating. I'm pretty convinced that they're all getting each other pregnant simply to rub in my face that they're all banging each other whilst I get nothing. But as I'm forced to adjust my social life to include their tiny children I'd much rather that any of their spawns that happen to be female have characters like Captain Marvel to look up to. Obviously I'd hate for them to feel a lack of representation towards themselves when they're watching movies, but mostly I'm going to have to talk to them and I don't want my friend's children to be fucking boring. Thanks for reading and see you again, motherfuckers.

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