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Essentially
this is the film in which Dumbledore has assigned Harry the special
mission of allowing the new teacher of potions, Professor Slughorn,
to take him to a variety of parties and then eventually seduce him.
Well, I suppose it is a boarding school after all. Slughorn has a
memory that Dumbledore needs in order for him to discover a secret
that might help them to defeat Voldemort. Although if this film had
been set in our modern day world, it would have been pretty fucking
easy to do considering everybody now posts their every waking thought
as a status on some form of social media. 'Can't believe I just
taught Voldemort how to live forever lol #WatANob'.
Therefore
a lot of this movie is spent in a thing called the Pensieve which
allows us to see Dumbledore's memories of their noseless enemy's
youth. The only thing that makes this a bit weird is that extracting
these memories looks a lot like Dumbledore is using a twig to pull
bits of jizz out of his hair... and then he makes Harry stick his
face right in a bowl that's full of it all. Again.. I guess this is a
boarding school. Oh, and one of the big mysteries running through this
movie is- why does Dumbledore have a black and dying hand? Except,
let's face it- that's not much of a mystery is it? Ever heard of that
'dead man's wank' thing? Basically you just lie on your hand for ages
and wait for it to go numb before tossing yourself off so that it
feels like it's being done by somebody else. Clearly Dumbledore just
did that and the hand turned manky because he waited so long that he
accidentally fell asleep on top of it. It's easily done!
So
was it shit or not then?
Well I'd like to say that I really fucking loved this movie. Like,
really loved it. I'd like to say that I thought the way it blended
fantasy and horror was a thing of genius and that there's a maturity
and intelligence at this point in the series that's so often lacking
in other adaptations of young adult fiction. However I can't. I can't
say that because this is the film in which my Hollywood career was
fucking snatched away from me. To explain.. When this film was being
made I had a quick look on Wikipedia to see where pre-production was
up to and discovered that there were several minor characters that
were yet to be cast. One of which was the character of Blaise Zabini,
who I'm sure you'll definitely remember having been in this movie?
You don't? Strange. It's almost as though they cast somebody really
fucking forgettable! Anyway, the Wikipedia entry described Zabini as
being 'tall' and having 'dark skin'. “I'm tall-ish and have
dark-ish skin” I thought, “ and I'm the same age as the main
characters”. So off I went to the computer to write up an email for
director David Yates to let him know that his search was over.
And also.. black?! Wikipedia didn't say 'black', it said, 'dark
skinned'. Now, look.. I appreciate that there aren't enough non-white
characters in this franchise and that it'd be a bit fucking rich to
start white-washing the few that there are. However instead of just
giving every other ethnicity the breadcrumbs, lets give them something
substantial, shall we. Make Dumbledore black, make Hagrid black, or as
they've done with Harry Potter And The Cursed Child, make
fucking Hermione black. I don't care.. just make me famous! Do you
know what Zabini does in this movie? He sits on a train, he sits in
the great hall, and then he sits on a broom. Do you know what the one
thing I'm really good at is? Sitting on my arse! I'd have been
fucking perfect for this role.
Getting over all of that however, and had the film not been ruined by
its lack of me, then I would have been saying how brilliant I thought
it was. There's actually not a huge amount of shit happening this
time with most of the story and drama being depicted through the
characters' various interactions. It's basically a giant coming-of-age
drama in which all of the teenagers are feeling angsty and deciding
that they just want to start banging each other. Just check out the
scene in which Ginny leans down to tie Harry's shoelace in an act
that will unquestionably have led to a moment that should be known as Harry
Potter And The Agonising Pain Of BlueBall. However at this point
in the franchise, all of the characters have gotten really good at
playing their role and so I don't give a shit about Dark Lords and
Black Magic as I just want to spend time with the characters. I mean,
really I do just want to be friends with those main three because I
think they'd really like me. I'd keep them grounded. Every time
somebody said to Harry, “Oh you've got your mothers eyes” I could
chime in with, “What do you mean? Dead!” Honestly that would be a
joke that would never get old.. for me..
Plus, regardless of how fucking dark this film gets however, there is a
really funny sequence near the end in which Harry drinks something
called 'Liquid Luck'. Despite sounding like a euphemism for what
Clarice Starling had flicked into her face in Silence Of The Lambs,
it essentially makes Harry act as though he's on drugs, which is
great. If this film is a coming of age story then I suppose drugs are
things that some teenagers will experiment with and so it's nice to
see how unjudgemental the film is about it. I guess it makes sense to
use a magical drug too, because not only does it aid the plot in the
way that it does, but in a world in which there's such a thing as
'Every flavour Beans', something like marijuana would have just shut
everything down. There'd have been no adventures with Dumbledore, no
fighting on a subterranean zombie island, and no climactic scene in the tower. And
don't get me wrong.. these scenes are amazing. They're emotional,
thrilling, scary and just generally pretty brilliant. But with the
introduction of a little weed, it'd have just been two hours of them
pissing their pants laughing and then eating the shit out of
everything instead. It's just such a shame that none of that matters
and that the film doesn't work either way simply because I wasn't
dark enough to be in this piece of shit. Thanks for reading,
motherfuckers, and see you next time.
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