You Just Scream With Boredom

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The film begins with a media frenzy taking place outside of a building called Fowl Manor. Having never read the books I had no clue what the film Artemis Fowl was going to be about and so just assumed that Fowl Manor was a place where rich people might go to wear strange masks and have sex with each other. It's not. It's where the Fowl family reside apparently. Although Fowl Manor does also sound like it could be an old fashioned euphemism that my Nan might use for the bathroom after she's visited it for a shit. I suppose all of the above could still technically be true to be fair. The film never explicitly mentions that rich people use the place to spaff all over each other but that doesn't mean that they don't and I never really visit my Nan enough to know what she might call the bathroom. I think you have to agree that would be a pretty bold opening for a Disney film though, wouldn't it?! Children sit around excited to see their favourite book adapted to the big screen only for it to open with a gang of rich toffs all fucking each other whilst dressed in dog suits as one confused old lady wanders about having shat all up the bathroom. It wouldn't make any end-of-the-year best lists but you know... I'd watch it. 

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Like Dragging An Alpaca Through Mud

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When Johnny Depp isn't fucking his life up, he occasionally stars in movies such as the recent Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald. In it, he plays a man who intends to ascend to power by appealing to the prejudice of the right-wing fucknuggets who believe his lies about inequality. With his silly blonde hair and racist rhetoric, I'm sure it's also obvious which big titted and shit-spewing President he reminds us all of too. Although due to his eyes being two different colours, it was a snooty fucking alpaca that I took out for a walk that jumped to mind for me. The alpaca's name was Kosmos and I was hoping that he'd be my friend as I lead him around a field but sadly that four-legged fuck thought he was better than me. With each step of our stroll, my hatred for him began to increase as his cold indifference towards me become offensively apparent. At one point I tried to feed him a carrot and he looked so offended by my attempt to bond with him that you'd think I was pissing right into his face. Anyway, like Donald Trump, that alpaca was a fucking prick and that's why I think that Johnny Depp's evil wizard Grindelwald was the baddie.

Watch The Hallow Now Please

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The Hallow is the debut feature from director Corin Hardy and tells the story of a young family; Adam, Claire, and baby Finn, as they move to Ireland and into a house near an ancient forest. I can only presume that the estate agent selling them that creepy fucking place got a bonus that week. I mean the house literally has bars on the outside of the windows to protect anyone that might be living inside. I know tensions can be a little high between the English and Irish but I'd be a bit weary of anywhere in which I needed fucking bars to stay safe. Not that I blame the locals of course. I literally only know English people and I want to hurl things at us all the fucking time too. “Not to worry”, the couple think as they rip down the metal from their windows, “at least we can go for a walk in this terrifying fucking forest”. Whilst out strolling in it, Adam, a conservationist, notices an unusual and slimy substance on several of the trees. Obviously this is suspicious because creepily there doesn't seem to be the usual accompanying beer and cheap porn in the bushes near by. He returns home to inspect his findings and looking under a microscope he finds something even more terrifying than the expected massive solitary jizz with a shamrock in its mouth.

Warner Brothers Studio Tour

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People think that you have to be chosen to go to Hogwarts. That an owl will fly to you on your eleventh birthday with a letter inviting you to begin your education in the wizarding world. But fuck that. I'm not eleven any more and I didn't get invited to go and learn fucking magic. My friend Kris and I went down to London last weekend and as we wandered aimlessly around, we bumped into a street magician as he was about to begin his show. He used his mind to bend cutlery, he made foam balls disappear from under a cup, and he made the corner of a random card that he'd ripped appear on the inside of an uncut lemon. Did he learn to do this under the guidance of Professor Dumbledore? No. Of course not. Who needs the first rate education of Hogwarts when you have a childhood as lonely as his must have been! Anyway, he finished his show, asked us all for a fiver and so me and my friend performed a magic trick of our own and fucking disappeared. We needed all of our money for something much more exciting that weekend because although we might not have been invited to go to Hogwarts, we'd decided to do a Malfoy and buy our way in instead. Whether Malfoy would stay in a small room at the Premier Inn in Watford before going to school, I don't know. But after a good nights sleep in which my friend assures me that he didn't masturbate, we were both ready to go to the Harry Potter Warner Brothers Studio Tour.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part Two

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Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

So this film begins with the Harry Potter trio breaking into a bank, because the movie came out during the recession and so fuck the system!! They're helped into the building by one of its employees who then proceeds to betray them and leave them trapped. Who'd have thought that a banker couldn't be trusted?! Anyway, they escape the bank with a horcrux and then destroy it. They then quickly find and destroy a shit tonne more horcuxes in half the time that it took them to fuck up that single one in the previous film. As much as I quite enjoyed The Deathly Hallows Part 1, I think this is proof that it had been affected by the curse known as Cyniculous Cash-In-ious.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part One

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Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part One- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

To be honest I've never seen British camping depicted better in a movie than in this one. As much as we'd like to pretend it's true, we don't actually do a little exercise in the afternoon sun as a bra flies across the field and Barbara Windsor flops her tits out. Like this film, the reality is that we actually just sit in a tent as it pisses down outside, we all start to snap at each other, and we wonder if this will be the night that we die. At this point in the series, everything Harry has ever known and loved, including Dumbledore, has gone straight out of the window. So along with Ron and Hermione, they all set off on an adventure to find and destroy several artefacts that contain Voldemort's soul. Sadly they don't really know where to start because Dumbledore figured that setting up little riddles would be more fun than not being a difficult bastard.

Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince

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Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

Essentially this is the film in which Dumbledore has assigned Harry the special mission of allowing the new teacher of potions, Professor Slughorn, to take him to a variety of parties and then eventually seduce him. Well, I suppose it is a boarding school after all. Slughorn has a memory that Dumbledore needs in order for him to discover a secret that might help them to defeat Voldemort. Although if this film had been set in our modern day world, it would have been pretty fucking easy to do considering everybody now posts their every waking thought as a status on some form of social media. 'Can't believe I just taught Voldemort how to live forever lol #WatANob'.

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix

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So in this, film Harry is confused and disturbed by the fact that he's found himself dreaming of an older man. Sure it might be the man that killed his Mum, Dad, and at least one fellow student, but I'd still make fun of him for it if I was his friend. Hey, I have a joke that I thought up whilst watching this film. It goes...

Q- Voldemort has no nose. How does he smell?

A- Of the blood of Harry's parents!

Anyway, because of comments like that, Harry spends most of this movie being pretty pissed off. At one point he even worries if his anger is proof that he has a lot more in common with Voldemort than he'd like to admit to. I wouldn't worry about it mate.. being constantly angry isn't proof of a magical connection to your parents' killer. The other day I nearly smashed the office up just because I was the only person in work not to get offered a fucking biscuit. To add to this however, he's probably also pretty pissed off that nobody believes him about Voldemort's return which seems fair enough on his part. The last film ended with him having won what was essentially his school's sports day when he returned holding the corpse of a fellow competitor. I guess the idiots watching just assumed that was what you won in that competition. In which case, fuck them.. I'd take my prized Diggory home and mount him in the bathroom where I keep my other fucking trophies.

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

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Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire- What the fuck is it about? (Lots of spoilers)

The film begins with an attack at a sports event. Only Harry sees the attacker and yet when pressed for details responds with “I don't know who it was. I didn't see his face!” I wouldn't worry about it mate. If the last three fucking films have been anything to go by it'll probably be your new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. I honestly don't know how that school gets away with its hiring policy for that position. We're four films into this franchise and so far there's been a radicalised child killer, a pathological liar, a man with a violent split-personality, and now an imposter. In the real world, and despite being innocent, Filch's appearance alone would spur the papers to out him as a nonce and incite a mob to burn his fucking shed down.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

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Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

So Harry begins his third year of magic school and finds out that a serial killer has broken out of prison and wants him dead. Not exactly a relatable issue for most of us and so the film cleverly throws in a grim little subtext for all the teenagers in the audience. Like most kids of Harry's age, the boy wizard is finding himself a little hounded by the black dog. However in his case it's not simply a metaphorical term for the depression he feels as it dawns on him that the world is a shithole. Rather, his black dog is quite literally a big black dog that seems to want him dead. Oh, and in an attempt to protect Harry from this escaped killer, Dumbledore has opened the school to a bunch of grim-reaper like pricks known as Dementors. The Dementors however also seem pretty happy to kill Harry too if he happens to get in their way. So.. basically, Harry has to go through another year of school in which most of the things at that school want him dead. But oh fuck... he better get a parental signature on his Hogsmeade form or he won't be allowed to visit the quaint little village to have fun with his friends.

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets

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Just to get you up to speed

Believe me or don't but the first Harry Potter film was riddled with subtext regarding the time in a young boy's life when he learns his favourite new hobby of whacking off. If you don't trust me then you can click here to read my previous blog which should explain.

Well, it seems that the second film in the saga continues that train of thought and wonders.. 'hmm, so what might a young boy become obsessed with once he's learnt how to knock one out?” The answer of course being the lifelong search for vagina. Or as this film calls it... The Chamber of Secrets!!

Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone

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Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

I wonder if the entire success of this franchise is down to simple wish fulfilment? Harry Potter is an eleven year old child when he finds out that not only is he famous for having saved the world but he's also as rich as fuck. You find me an eleven year old child and I'll show you a superficial little bastard that'd give his right nut for all of that. Send me to a mixed-gender boarding school and throw an invisibility cloak into the mix and fuck it- I'm sold. So Harry finds out that he's a wizard and on his way to magic school, which is lucky because his complete cluelessness makes spoon feeding the audience exposition pretty fucking easy. It's just a shame that they then go on to repeat everything about a million times. So Harry'll say, “You told me they died in a car crash” and just to emphasis this important point, Hagrid will then repeat “A Car Crash!!”. “You're a Wizard Harry”, says Hagrid. “I'm a Wizard” Harry repeats to make sure that all the thick people in the audience got the point.