This Helped Me To Stand Up To A Racist

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Everybody has their moment to shine when it comes to standing up to a racist... well, except others racists, obviously. When leaving the cinema the other day I happened to bump into a chap who'd taken offence at somebody's “fucking dirty Muslim beard”. Apparently some white guy nearby had a beard that reminded this man of a 'Muslim beard' whatever that is (presumably he'd spotted some halal meat in it... or something), and as a result, said beard-owner needed to “fuck off out the country with those other Muslim bastards if he loves them so much”. I don't know what worried me more, the fact that I was now presented with the dilemma of either having to stand up to a drunken racist, or alternatively pretend to be one in order to avoid a confrontation.. or the fact that this chap clearly thought I had the look of somebody that might agree with his mad bastard views. Admittedly I don't have a “fucking dirty Muslim beard”, however that's less to do with the my ill-informed and bigoted xenophobia and more to do with the fact that I just can't grow a fucking beard.

Star Trek Into Darkness

Star Trek Into Darkness - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins with Benedict Cumberbatch's John Harrison causing some shit that makes Kirk want to track him down and capture him. However perhaps there's more to this John Harrison than initially meets the eye? Perhaps he's not who we think he is? Perhaps he's somebody a little more iconic that that?! Well, I guess I Khan't tell you either way. Or maybe I can?! Meh, fuck it, he's playing Khan. Obviously. So the first half of the movie has a Godfather 3 style massacre- a villain who does one of those ridiculous 'get captured and then somehow predict everybody's movements' plans, and then it concludes with a spot of Wrath Of Khan karaoke. Oh, and all throughout, the guy who plays Robocop is trying to start a war between the Federation and the Klingons because, you know.. this is an action film and it's nice to see spaceships go 'boom'.

So was it shit or not then? (Spoilers.. obv)

Reviews were initially kind to this movie, however as the years have gone by its reputation has gone down faster than than a cheap whore that'll suck you off for less than a packet of fruit pastels. I think the initial love for it was simply because of how fast it moves and how fun it is and so people weren't given chance to turn against it. But as time has passed and everything it has to offer has sunk in, people have gotten an “it's ripping off the Wrath Of Khan” hump. Which is sort of justified of course, seeing as Kirk's cancery/radiation death is literally identical to Spock's in that earlier movie, but with one small difference. Wrath Of Khan's was between two men that had been friends for over thirty years and so was significantly more emotional. As such, many people feel the scene hadn't earned justification for itself due to this Kirk and Spock being about as moody with each other as a teenager that's been forced to stop tossing off and do some house chores. 

Except in Into Darkness's defence, I don't think its death scene is about Kirk and Spock's friendship, but simply how everything Spock touches turns to shite. His planet his destroyed, his Mum dies, all of his Federation leaders get wiped out, and then after all of that, his new mate dies too. If the Enterprise really was like a ship exploring the vast mysteries of the sea-like universe then I'd have Spock thrown overboard for being a fucking Jonah*. So I don't think we were meant to accept that Pine and Quinto's characters were as close as Shatner and Nemoy's, but rather Spock has finally fucking snapped. Hence him then going after Khan with all the anger and confusion of a man who's just sat down really hard on his own testicles. However if I do have a criticism of that scene being in this movie, it's that the Spock who died in Wrath Of Khan is in this fucking movie too. They even ask Nemoy's Spock about Khan. You'd think might mention “oh yeah.. that Khan's a right prick. By the way.. You know that reactor core thing? Maybe keep a fucking radiation suit by it, yeah?”. I mean that's just basic safety regulation, surely!

I suppose it's also a bit of a problem that Kirk is killed and then resurrected within the space of about ten minutes, which was also after his equally brief demotion and re-promotion had lasted about as long it'd take to have a piss. So I'm not saying that the script couldn't have done with being passed through the common sense machine at least one more time. Plus considering Khan's blood essentially brought Kirk back from the dead, and the film ends with Khan in a freezer, you've essentially removed any sense of threat from the rest of the franchise... whilst also doing the ship's doctor Bones out of a fucking job. And nor, as we discover as the film goes on, am I really sure why Khan thought it was a good idea to hide all of his friends in a load of missiles. Maybe it explained it and I missed it, but as stupid moves go, that is basically the equivalent of hiding your ice-cream in an oven and then wondering why it's melted. Short story.. because you were a dickhead.

I think the other thing people don't like about this movie is that it puts more of a focus on the Federation's militarisation than it does on the crew simply going off for an intergalactic jolly 'oliday. However it does kind of make sense when you consider that this timeline follows on from a film in which the planet Vulcan was destroyed. In which case, as a one off story to tell of the paranoid aftermath of those events, I was pretty happy with what I got. Although considering Vulcan was destroyed by a laser that was dangling from an easily breakable chain, I'm not so sure that they needed an army as much as they simply should have pulled their fucking thumb out and shot it down. Into Darkness might be a bit stupid but it is quite a lot of fun, and in a franchise in which Kirk asks “what does a God need with a Spaceship”, 'stupid but fun' isn't necessarily a step-down.

* Just in case you aren't an 18th century sailer or  haven't seen Master And Commander a 'Jonah' is basically a sailers version of a jinx.

 

Star Trek

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Star Trek - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins when the villain, Nero McBlandson, goes through a worm-hole that leads him directly into a franchise reboot. From here he kills Kirk's Dad and alters the timeline just enough that the original fans shouldn't get pissy about the un-canon-ing of their favourite show, but not quite enough to change anything significant. As such, we see Kirk become Captain of the Enterprise with Spock being his right hand man. I guess if your job is to issue orders then it probably helps for your second in command to have a good pair of ears.

So was it shit or not then?

Well surely we all have to admit that this movie is just completely fucking brilliant, don't we? Apparently the fans of the original films and shows hate this movie, but I honestly can't work out why. I mean, it's a prequel, sequel, and re-boot, all at the same time, which is at such a level of genius that I reckon it'd have Steven Hawking's computer shouting “clap, clap, clap”. Over the years I've seen this movie quite a bit, however this was my first viewing having seen every previous film in the franchise. As such, I became kind of worried that this time the performance by Pine and Quinto might pale in comparison to their much more iconic predecessors. Thankfully though this turned out not to be the case as, although Shatner does have his justifiably legendary status, Pine's secret weapon is simply that he can actually fucking act. Nor is it a problem for Quinto either due to Nemoy showing up in the film to point at him and shout “this is me from now on”. Oh and it also helps that the cast are also borderline clones of the original crew. I mean, having looked at the two actors, I refuse to believe that Karl Urban isn't simply what happens when the original Bones dips his balls in a Petri Dish full of stem cells.

One of the things that has changed for me since having watched the original films however is how much more emotional this has become. The opening ten minutes alone has always had me in tears but this time I found myself fighting them back with such regularity that I had to check that I wasn't going through the fucking menopause. Not to slag off the previous movies, but with them I think that I only cried once, and that was tears of joy after The Motion Picture finally ended and I discovered I hadn't actually lost a year of my fucking life to it. In fact, just compare the introduction of the Enterprise in that film to its introduction in this one and you'll see the difference. Here we get one of the most amazing scores of modern times aiding a shot that's like being stabbed in the brain with nostalgia.. in The Motion Picture we got a five minute sequence in which William Shatner gave his best 'fuck-me eyes' to an air fix model.

Not that I'm saying that this newer movie is perfect of course. Eric Bana's Nero is so uncharismatic that I'm presuming the black hole that he travelled through came into existence when he looked into a mirror and accidentally created a vortex of boredom. He's got a weird run too and it's really distracting. It's kind of a waddle you know, like if a fat person had been entered into a 'race for a pie competition'. Or to make that sound more Star Trek-related, it's as if William Shatner had been entered into a 'race for a pie competition'. Oh, and even ignoring Nero, there's a couple of distracting plot-holes scattered throughout. Most notably when Kirk is blasted onto a random part of a random planet and randomly runs into a random cave in which he randomly meets the older Spock. I don't know though, maybe that's how life works. Like if you take three rights you end up going left perhaps when so many things randomly happen like that things lead directly to where you need them to. Which in this movies case, was bullshit.

However that's one gripe in an otherwise brilliant movie. Sure the fans can moan that there was too much action and it lost the intellectual subtlety of what the franchise should be about, but what it lacks in subtext it gains in being the most consistently brilliant film of the franchise since Wrath Of Khan. I'm sorry the movie couldn't please everybody in favour of a the larger audience of general film fans, but to quote Spock “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”, and this movie is fucking brilliant. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

Star Trek 9: Insurrection

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Star Trek 9: Insurrection - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins on a planet of Amish type people who seemingly have no idea about the evils of technology. Well, not until Data the robot pops up and kicks the shit out of them anyway. It turns out that Data has been shot, resulting in him going a little mental. Because that's obviously what you want when exploring the dangers of the universe... a machine that will let you know it's malfunctioning by battering the fuck out of you. Picard promptly turns up to stop the android's rampage which he does by singing a Gilbert O'Sullivan song to him. I guess the film-makers were aware that the only way to end an action scene in a more exciting way than with an explosion is to have a bald, Yorkshire bloke turn up and sing the hits of the fucking 70's.

Anyway, it turns out that Data may have been shot to prevent him from uncovering a plot against these boring Amish type people. Despite spending their time by ignoring such electrical joys as the television, iPhone, and the Lovehoney Double-Dip-Delight Dildo, their planets position exposes them to some weird space-rays that allow them to remain youthful forever. Or if not forever then at least long enough that somebody like Cher might want to visit before her skin becomes so tight that her skull manages to rip its way through her face like Alien's fucking chestburster.

So was it shit or not then?

As seems to be the case with the Next Generation movies, it basically felt like an extended episode of the show, and to be fair... it makes the show look shit. Although that image of TubGirl made me never want to take a bath again, and we all know baths are good for you, so I'll keep an open mind. Duration-wise Insurrection manages to be about half an hour shorter than the average Trek movie and about nine fucking years shorter than Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Usually I'd argue that brevity is a good thing, however here it's as though loads of shit has just got chopped out. Sub-plots go seemingly nowhere and the theme of the movie remains as unexplored as Picard's personal barbershop. For example, one of the many subplots that goes nowhere is Picard's love of one of the planet's locals. However after ninety minutes of flirting they don't even kiss, which is odd, especially considering that Insurrection is really just a compound of both 'insert' and 'erection'.

Also the Starfleet's Prime Directive states that when exploring a new planet there should be “no interference with the social development of said planet”. As such, this movie is about Picard standing up for what's right for the Amish-like people against the hypocrisy of Starfleet's order to move them. However the movie fails to explore the idea that, firstly, pretty much every planet the crew have visited has been interfered with; secondly, when Kirk and Picard were visiting, most of the female aliens on said planets have been interfered with; and thirdly, it probably would be for the greater good that this small civilisation be relocated in order for scientists to fully examine these 'everlasting youth rays'.. and was it not Spock that said “the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many”? It seems like this would have been a great chance for the film to address the franchises own hypocrisies regarding that Prime Directive whilst examining the morality between the Prime Directive and Spock's mantra.

Also I depressingly didn't even have to Google the directive or the Spock quote.. I am enjoying this franchise over all, but if its mission was to turn me into a fucking nerd then I can't help but feel it's made it so. And I am enjoying this franchise, and I did enjoy Insurrection to a degree. It had some good action, nice half-developed ideas, and the villain was fun. Imagine an alien that's had so much plastic surgery that it's as though he's had his scrotum stapled across his face and you're pretty much there. If you can't manage that then just picture Mickey Rourke.

Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country

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Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country - what the fuck is it about?

The Klingons are about to become our friends after years of constantly getting their head-fannies in a twist. In response, the Federation holds a top-secret meeting to discuss the future. Oh, but Scotty's there, by the way. Because if you're holding a top secret meeting about the future of galactic politics, you'll definitely need a ship's engineer there. When the Berlin Wall came down I'm pretty sure that there'd have been room for a car mechanic around that Dr Strangelove-style table at The Pentagon. The Federation decides that Kirk is to meet a Klingon leader and escort him back to Earth to join in negotiations. This is despite Kirk still being a little space-racist towards the Klingons for murdering his boring son a few movies back. We know this because Kirk says it out loud whilst alone in his bedroom. I guess he has nothing better to do than talk to himself whilst walking around a spaceship as it travels around the galaxy.

Anyway, despite Kirk being on his best behaviour, things do go titties up when most of the Klingons are murdered and he finds himself framed for it. A murder mystery type plot then begins in which Spock tries to decide which of the Enterprise crew may be the actual culprits in order to clear Kirk's name. Could it be their friend Uhura? The trusted Chekov? What about Scotty? Surely at his weight, the only thing that he could murder would be a bacon fucking butty. Okay.. so what about the new recruit played by Kim Cattrall? You know... the one who it most definitely is? Hmm, I guess you'll have to watch and see!

So was it shit or not then?

Beyond anything, this entry probably has the best cast of any of these movies so far. I mean, Christopher Plummer plays a patch-wearing Vulcan as the villain, and who doesn't love watching Christopher Plummer? Plus, if you need your movies villain to be a dick then you can certainly do worse than a one eye'd alien with a pink head. As mentioned, Sex And The City's Kim Cattrall also pops up making this her first appearance in the spin-off movie to a long-running TV show that refuses to acknowledge the ageing of its cast. Although that's probably being a little unfair. Not on her, but on this film which for the first time has Spock say to Kirk “Have we grown so old that we've out-grown our usefulness?” in a moment of poignant brilliance. It's just a shame that it's taken six films and God knows how many tight leather belts to get to it.

As is always the case with the Star Trek films, there's an obvious but admirable subtext here in the way that its story paralleled the recent end to The Cold War. Although fuck that, the movie also features a scene in which Kirk fights an alien that takes on his appearance. I'd argue that that was the most unbelievable part of the franchise- that any creature would willingly look like a portly old Kirk, but who can be cynical with two Shatners on screen? That also means that the veteran Trek actor is now in the same club as such esteemed actors as Dead Ringers' Jeremy Irons, Legend's Tom Hardy, and Double Impact's Jean-Claude Van Damme. In fact, Kirk V Kirk aside, this entire scene is pretty enjoyable as it also features the widest range of visually interesting aliens seen in the series so far. The only thing that worried me is that it's set in a prison called Rura Penthe. When Kirk was sentenced to “hard time” there, I misheard Rura Penthe as "Uhura's panties" and at their age, I really didn't want to see that.

Is this film worth watching? Well, yes. I'm watching them in order of their release and so far it's the best since Wrath Of Khan. Plus Plummer's villain is constantly quoting plays such as Julius Caesar and Hamlet. So regardless, I'd say this movie is worth seeing simply for being a Star Trek film that's co-written by William fucking Shakespeare.

Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier

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Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier - What the fuck is it about?

The main story kicks off in a place called Paradise City in which some Jesus like figure has started causing some shit. I mean I say Paradise City.. I'd always been led to believe that the grass there is green and the girls are pretty. However it seems that in reality it's actually a desert and so the grass is dead and the girls aren't so much pretty as they are three-titted cat people. Still, the crew of the enterprise turn up here to try to solve the trouble regarding the Jesus character. His name is Sybok and it's claimed that he can “put you in touch with feelings you never previously knew you could express”. So, basically he's the alien equivalent of a love-egg.

So the crew arrive and Sybok takes over their ship and forces them all to go on a trip with him to see God. Long story short.. Kirk's not into that shit and so when presented with the face of The Almighty, he decides that the best thing to do is to start a big old slanging match. At one point Sybok offers to help remove Kirk of anything that might bother him, to which he screams “I need my pain!!”. Not sure what he's referring to here but I'm guessing it's probably his cholesterol levels.

So was it shit or not then?

Erm.. well, the movie started pretty terribly in which we see Shatner's Kirk climbing up a huge cliff-face for fun and without any safety ropes. I mean, considering his size and age, this is something that could only realistically happen the day pigs fly.. admittedly, for a split second I thought that was what I was actually seeing. When asked why he felt the urge to do this, climb Kirk replied “The most important reason as to why we should climb a mountain is because it's there”. Presumably he has a similar policy when it comes to eating some lovely, lovely cake. Although honestly I think the worst bit about this scene is its attempts at humour which then continue throughout the entire movie and is honestly about as painful as a Vulcan death-pinch to the dick.

Actually, speaking of pain, one of the things I did like was the make-up of the Klingons, and that's even if they are basically just browned-up people with a stitched-up vagina glued above their face. After having the last two films directed by Nemoy, this is the first to be attempted by Shatner. And to be fair, although it is sort-of rubbish, I do admire the way it decides to tackle religion. Even when presented with the face of God, the crew remain logical and talk shit to it rather than simply dropping to their knees and grovelling. Although that could be because if this ageing cast dropped to their knees then I'm not quite sure they'd be able to get back up again.

In terms of direction, I actually don't think that Shatner did a bad job. Nor do I think he did a bad job in terms of finding a theme for the movie. The problem is with the script, which could have done with a few more drafts. I hear that the budget was cut for this movie which may be the cause of the situation, but I suppose that catering just isn't going to pay for itself. There's a contrived twist involving Spock's family that I didn't need, and despite its mostly crap humour, there's a scene in which Bones euthanises his own father which got a bit fucking dark. However simply due to its promotion of rational thinking in the face of religion, I think that this entry is definitely worth a watch.

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home - What the fuck is it about?

In the future, mankind has hunted all whales to extinction which is awkward because an angry alien thing has just turned up assuming whales to be Earth's dominant species. So after they investigated some blue space-mist in the first film, dealt with the wrath of Khan in the second, and resurrected Spock from a dying planet in the third, there was really only one obvious story that this fourth movie could tell. Kirk and his crew must travel back in time to the 1980's, steal a couple of whales from SeaWorld, take them back to the future and then have them tell the angry aliens to 'piss off'. Talk about cliched! It's also worth noting that the movie begins with the crew in exile after the shit they pulled previously. Shouldn't be a problem for them though really, considering that's where most of the cast spend their time when not making these movies.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, it could be said that this is the moment that the franchise jumped the shark. Or considering at one point that Spock dives into the Seaworld tank to ride one, perhaps a more apt phrase would be 'it fucked the whale'. Though you know when an idea is so stupid that it actually becomes kind of brilliant? Well, this is one of them. The best sci-fi is actually a comment on modern day society anyway so why not just save time by having your sci-fi characters actually come to modern day and simply comment on it? Particularly when it's as legitimately fucking funny as this. I also liked that it had a proper full-on eco-message. I mean, most comedy movies aren't even funny, let alone actually funny and with some degree of subtext. Admittedly the subtext is about as obvious as how fucking old the actors are becoming, but at least there's no denying it's there.

Actually if I'm being honest, my biggest criticism isn't anything to do with the ridiculous story at all but probably is in the state of the cast. At this point they're all clearly getting on a bit, but rather than letting them appear as their actual age, the movie attempts to convince us that they're all still young. I mean, Sulu has so much make-up on his face that for the first half of the film I just assumed he was some random fucking geisha. Even Shatner is starting to resemble a cross between a clown and a prostitute. That belt of his is looking tighter, too. Does the plot revolve around them looking for whales just because they wanted a species to make him look thinner? Usually it's the character wearing a red shirt that's going to die but a fucking bright-red face can't exactly be a good sign. Also at four films in, Uhura still hasn't done that much. I appreciate that the crew is made up of all various nationalities and so obviously has a liberal left leaning view for the time, but everybody has their moment to shine in these films with the exception of the only woman. I doesn't help the point either that her name basically sounds like "A whore? Urgh”.

Anyway.. Is this film worth seeing? Absolutely. Even if you haven't seen the previous three then it works as a decent enough comedy as it is. Sure, the cast look a little bit like they've been drawn onto a stretched out ballsack, but they're still all really funny.

Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan

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Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan - What the fuck is it about?

So basically there's a bad guy called Khan that looks a little bit as if Robert Redford had attempted to pass himself off as a 1980's female prostitute and was convincing fucking nobody. By sheer coincidence, one of Kirk's bum-chums, Chekov, is doing a little adventuring on empty planets that could be used to host life when he stumbles right into Khan and his crew. Even more coincidental is the fact that Khan apparently has beef with Kirk and somehow recognises Chekov as one of his associates. I guess it's probably the fact that Chekov has a memorable look to him. Sort of like if a ventriloquist's dummy had done a Pinocchio and turned into a real boy.. except not quite fully managed it.

In an attempt to lure Kirk, Khan uses something known as 'Genesis' as a trap. Genesis is a project that one of Kirk's previous squeezes is hard at work on and basically involves the terraforming of the previously mentioned dead planets. Sadly this isn't quite as cool as it sounds due to the process involving the use of a missile that couldn't look more like a dildo if it was kept in a shoe box, hidden under a single mother's bed. Although considering this films lead actor is an ageing William Shatner, perhaps 'cool' isn't really what it's going for. This is a suspicion that can only be confirmed by the appearance of Khan's crew who all look like they were rejected from the film The Warriors for looking too 'gay'.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, yeah.. if I'm going to be honest, I fucking loved this movie. There's a great theme of death running through Wrath Of Khan and not in the same way that the first movie made me feel bored to fucking death. In this film, Kirk is at an age in which death is on his mind, there's a test in which you're forced to face certain death which is constantly brought up... oh, and spoiler alert, Spock fucking dies. Although considering the next movie is called The Search For Spock, I'm going to guess that it's not quite so permanent. Well, not unless they just want his dead body for some reason. I guess he still looked pretty warm at the end and I suppose those long space-nights can get pretty lonely.

Everything involving Spock's demise was pretty emotional, to be honest. But in a restrained way that the autistic-like Vulcan would have approved of. If anything, his funeral was only ruined by Scotty's insistence on playing the bagpipes which, as we all know, is a terrible instrument. I mean, people are trying to show their last respects for fucks sake. How can you do that when some tubby Scottish bloke is creating the sound of a goat simultaneously screaming and jizzing in slow-motion?!

Possibly due to an increased budget, the sets look a lot better here too. The crew still spend most of their time on the Enterprise's bridge, however it now has the more claustrophobic feel of a submarine-style movie. In fact, the only bit that I didn't really like in the whole film was when a brainwashed Chekov managed to snap back to his senses thanks to his love of Kirk. I mean, it didn't help that the guy who plays Chekov isn't the best actor in the world and so for the first few seconds I really just thought I was struggling to hold in an anal prolapse. However that's surely got to be one of the most cliched plot devices this side of having a 'chosen one'. Not that there's much chance of that here though, thank God. If somebody told me that Shatner was 'the chosen one', I'd just assume that he'd simply been selected as the man who looks most like the reincarnation of a once prized turnip.. Oh well. Other than that though, Wrath Of Khan was great.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

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Star Trek: The Motion Picture - What the fuck is it about?

The film begins with both the Vulcans and the Klingons speaking in their own language and so I didn't really know what the fuck was going on to be honest. I was about fifteen minutes in before I realised that the DVD I was watching had expected me to manually select the third option of English subtitles on offer in order for me to have the alien gibberish translated. I mean why the fuck wouldn't it just have that on automatically? Does it really expect the average fan to be fluent in both fucking languages? ...Actually I've seen some of the fans of this series.. fair enough..

The movie involves the crew from the TV show all getting back together for a mission in which they are required to investigate a suspicious blue cloud. Wow. The movie assumes that you'll already know who these characters are and are happy to spend a good thirty minutes watching them do sweet fuck all. I mean, literally nothing happens for so God damn long. There's a scene in which Kirk lays eyes on the Enterprise for the first time that lasts longer than some amateur pornos do. That reference is actually particularly apt because throughout this scene, Kirk is giving the ship a look that suggests that the moment everybody's back is turned, he's almost definitely going to try and fuck it. Kirk looks at that ship in the same way that a sailor looks at a woman after returning home from months at sea, then heading straight to the nearest titty bar.

So was it shit or not then?

Yes. Yes it was. This was literally one of the most boring movies that I've ever seen and speaking of amateur pornos I say that as somebody who has seen that shit Paris Hilton video. You know the one in which she kind of just bounces up and down with glazed over eyes as though testing the worlds shittest spacehopper.  If Inglorious Bastards is to be believed, film is insanely flammable and there was a lot of names on the credits to this movie.. you'd have thought at least one person would have realised how long it was running on for and so thrown a fucking cigarette into whatever room in which the dailies are kept. Even if the resulting fire burnt for seven long days, you'd still be left with enough footage to make a ninety minute film. The special effects have dated pretty badly too. I'm guessing the budget was pretty small for this movie because the whole thing consisted mostly of people talking absolute bollocks on the bridge whilst occasionally cutting outside for a shot of the ships. Except, the ships are obviously models and the shots last so long that it just feels like you're trapped in some fat nerd's bedroom as he shows you his fucking toy collection.

Oddly this movie was directed by Robert Wise who you may know from his 1965 masterpiece in which he had Julie Andrews dressed as a Nun. Although Star Trek: The Slow-motion Picture, as it's been dubbed, is less The Sound Of Music as it is the sound of fucking silence. If you don't own this movie but want to replicate the experience of watching it then simply imagine the plot to Solaris, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and John Carpenter's Dark Star, though as if it was dumbed down by some boring old bastard. I guess I liked the effects of the alien ship within the blue cloud, but that's only because it had a feature that looked like a pulsing anus and I was really searching to find things that were entertaining. Oh, and for the record.. some of the extras were wearing jumpsuits that were way too tight for them. I could literally see their dicks.

John's Got The Hump

Despite ranking a toxically high 9.7 on the geek-o-meter, I've never gotten into the original Star Trek from the 60's. From what I've heard though, the biggest difference between the main series and the new films is the level of action on display. Apparently the show was less about kicking people in the throat and more about philosophising and exploring humanity’s big ideas. Having said that however, there is a clip on YouTube of Shatner's Kirk on all fours pretending to be a horse whilst a dwarf rides on his back. I'm not sure what idea they were exploring here as I'm not sure of the context. Perhaps this is a deep metaphorical investigation into the works of Bertrand Russell or Rene Descartes, however when I see Kirk galloping about all I can think is what a stupid Kant. Having said that there's a part of me that would now like to watch the original show if only for the sake of irony. As though he's a cosmic Roger Moore, the idea of watching Kirk explore a 60's vision of the future and fucking anything with a pair of tits sounds like fun to me.

Released in 2009, the film Star Trek took the series out of the nerds’ bedrooms and made it cool enough for the rest of the world to enjoy. For some reason though, a lot of them seemed to hate it because, “it changed too much from the originals”. But the way I see it, they should be happy because the franchise was successfully rebooted in a way that didn't erase everything that they'd loved from the current cannon. Also by being set in an alternate timeline, these new films also avoided the main prequel problem of there being no real threat because it's obvious the characters will survive into the original films. Maybe I'm not a Trekkie/Trekker but I am a fan of Star Wars and until your franchise is rebooted with a massive fucking racist Jamaican Gungan thing, I've really got no sympathy.

"I knew I shouldn't have studied rocket science..."

Anywho, so Star Trek Into Darkness is all about the story of John Harrison who despite sounding like a fifth member of The Beatles is actually an intergalactic terrorist. Because John is running around blowing shit up like a massive space-twat Kirk is recruited to track him down and kill him. Like Raoul Silva and Loki however, Harrison instead finds himself captured and locked up in one of those giant villain sized fishtanks. The great thing about this film is in just how much of it is an ensemble with almost everybody getting something interesting to do. Kirk and Spock continue their blossoming bromance which involves about the same amount of bickering and sex as a ten year marriage. Scotty gets to run around whilst cracking jokes with his slightly dodgy accent and Uhura continues to prove that the franchise isn't racist. Alice Eve also shows up as Carol Marcus but from what I could gather her only purpose is to flash her pubes for the movie’s trailer and to look pretty. There's also a bit near the end where Carol is put in danger when it looked to me as though someone had just stamped on her vagina.

So before we go any further, I guess I should say that I really loved this film. From the moment it begins to the moment it ends it is just non-stop action. It's as though it was conceived in the racing mind of Oscar Pistorius whilst he enjoys a domestic shoot-out with the missus. However this relentless spectacle, as enjoyable as it is, is possibly one of the movies bigger problems. After watching Iron Man 3 last week I was reminded of just how big a fan of Shane Black I was and so began revisiting his older films. I also slightly lowered my mandatory four hours a day criteria of porn browsing in exchange for finding old interviews with him in which he talks about screenwriting. When asked about the state of the modern action movie he claimed that they were all a bit crap because there's no downtime. Instead, blockbusters these days try to simply deafen the audience by shouting at them for two hours. This is definitely the case with Star Trek Into Darkness which really cuts out the character moments and emotion of its predecessor in exchange for making things go bang a lot of the time. Having said that, there is a slightly hammy but enjoyable little speech by Cumberbatch in which he seems to accidentally morph into Alan Rickman.

In fact, the comparisons to Rickman don't end there with this film also suffering from the same minor problem as Die Hard. Like Hans Gruber, John Harrison is so charismatic and cool that despite the general dickishness, you can't help but find yourself occasionally rooting for them. I know I just criticised the movie for having too much action but the scene in which Harrison shits all over a gang of Klingons is still pretty cool. I also thought that one of the final fights between Harrison and Spock was pretty funny considering the size of their body frame. Back in the 80's action movies were dominated by giant hulk-men whose brains where the size of their steroids-shrunk cocks. Cut to only a few decades later and the beeftards have been replaced by two lanky nerds kicking the shit out of each other. Not only that but the film also features Peter Weller and Karl Urban meaning that director J.J Abrams decided to have his scrawny man-slap instead of a much more epic fight between Robocop and Judge Dredd.

Anyway so we're heading into spoilery territory now so it's about time those who are yet to see the film went for a wander. For the rest of us I'm sure it was a huge surprise to discover that Harrison was actually the series’ main villain of Khan all along. Of course though, by ‘huge surprise’ I mean completely fucking obvious thanks to IMDb thoughtlessly listing the name on their bloody cast list. I'm putting it out there that, that may be the most annoying thing since I asked my Dad if Se7en was any good and his response was, (spoiler alert), “Is that the one that ends with Gwyneth Paltrow's decapitated head in a box”. It took me years to get my revenge on him for that but eventually I seized my moment and locked him in our attic without food and only an angry wasp for company. True story.

For those who don't know, Khan is one of the big baddies of the original Star Trek world and was unsurprisingly the villain in the supposedly brilliant Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan. Personally I've not seen that film but I hear good things about it. From what I do know though, things are the reverse to Into Darkness with the original killing off of Spock instead of Kirk. This of course results in Shatner calling on all of his acting powers to famously scream, “Khaaaaaaaaaaan” with all the anger of man who’s being forced to hold in a particularly rebellious ands jagged shit.  From what I do understand though, the original at least had the balls to kill off Spock and keep him dead until the crappy sequel. In this film sadly, I don't think that anybody is under any illusion that Kirk’s death will be any more permanent than his earlier demotion. Near the start of the film, Kirk is fired, demoted and then promoted back to Captain with so much speed that that if you popped out for a piss you'd have missed it. On the brightside though it's good to know that thanks to Kirks pogo up and down the career ladder that by the year 2259 we'll have finally solved this recession. With all the warring alien races, that's at least something to look forward to.

I heard the supermarket is hiring...

So considering Khan was pretty much new to me, I think, as mentioned earlier that he's probably the best thing in the film. However what did annoy me was that it was his blood that was used to bring Kirk back from the dead. By doing that, there's pretty much no threat now in any future films ever. As soon as anybody dies, all the crew have to do is pop to the fridge, crack open a bottle of Khan juice and generously, drizzle it all over their favourite corpse. In fact the only person who is now in any danger is Bones who I'm assuming will quickly find himself out of a job. It's kind of like how in the original Superman he flies up into space and then backwards around the world to reverse time. From this point on, we've got nothing to worry about at all. Having said that, now people can come back from the dead it's nice to know that the future will be a time in which we can stop banging on about how special Jesus is.

I guess that's pretty much everything I've got to say on Star Trek Into Darkness. I've been writing for too long now and I'm kind of feeling ill after eating an out of date tube of Pringles. Obviously this film gives me even more faith that Star Wars Episode 7 will be great, with Abram’s main skill being to dish out nostalgia for things you're seeing for the first time. Actually if you want a tip, you should go to the bookies and bet money on Benicio Del Toro being the next Star Wars villain. Considering he almost played Khan here and Darth Maul in Episode 1, I reckon he's a dead cert. You heard it here first! Anyway I think I'm going to go and be sick now. Although in case you didn't believe me earlier about Shatner being ridden by a midget then here it is for your viewing pleasure... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avTfiRccYIA

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