Star Trek 9: Insurrection

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Star Trek 9: Insurrection - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins on a planet of Amish type people who seemingly have no idea about the evils of technology. Well, not until Data the robot pops up and kicks the shit out of them anyway. It turns out that Data has been shot, resulting in him going a little mental. Because that's obviously what you want when exploring the dangers of the universe... a machine that will let you know it's malfunctioning by battering the fuck out of you. Picard promptly turns up to stop the android's rampage which he does by singing a Gilbert O'Sullivan song to him. I guess the film-makers were aware that the only way to end an action scene in a more exciting way than with an explosion is to have a bald, Yorkshire bloke turn up and sing the hits of the fucking 70's.

Anyway, it turns out that Data may have been shot to prevent him from uncovering a plot against these boring Amish type people. Despite spending their time by ignoring such electrical joys as the television, iPhone, and the Lovehoney Double-Dip-Delight Dildo, their planets position exposes them to some weird space-rays that allow them to remain youthful forever. Or if not forever then at least long enough that somebody like Cher might want to visit before her skin becomes so tight that her skull manages to rip its way through her face like Alien's fucking chestburster.

So was it shit or not then?

As seems to be the case with the Next Generation movies, it basically felt like an extended episode of the show, and to be fair... it makes the show look shit. Although that image of TubGirl made me never want to take a bath again, and we all know baths are good for you, so I'll keep an open mind. Duration-wise Insurrection manages to be about half an hour shorter than the average Trek movie and about nine fucking years shorter than Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Usually I'd argue that brevity is a good thing, however here it's as though loads of shit has just got chopped out. Sub-plots go seemingly nowhere and the theme of the movie remains as unexplored as Picard's personal barbershop. For example, one of the many subplots that goes nowhere is Picard's love of one of the planet's locals. However after ninety minutes of flirting they don't even kiss, which is odd, especially considering that Insurrection is really just a compound of both 'insert' and 'erection'.

Also the Starfleet's Prime Directive states that when exploring a new planet there should be “no interference with the social development of said planet”. As such, this movie is about Picard standing up for what's right for the Amish-like people against the hypocrisy of Starfleet's order to move them. However the movie fails to explore the idea that, firstly, pretty much every planet the crew have visited has been interfered with; secondly, when Kirk and Picard were visiting, most of the female aliens on said planets have been interfered with; and thirdly, it probably would be for the greater good that this small civilisation be relocated in order for scientists to fully examine these 'everlasting youth rays'.. and was it not Spock that said “the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many”? It seems like this would have been a great chance for the film to address the franchises own hypocrisies regarding that Prime Directive whilst examining the morality between the Prime Directive and Spock's mantra.

Also I depressingly didn't even have to Google the directive or the Spock quote.. I am enjoying this franchise over all, but if its mission was to turn me into a fucking nerd then I can't help but feel it's made it so. And I am enjoying this franchise, and I did enjoy Insurrection to a degree. It had some good action, nice half-developed ideas, and the villain was fun. Imagine an alien that's had so much plastic surgery that it's as though he's had his scrotum stapled across his face and you're pretty much there. If you can't manage that then just picture Mickey Rourke.