Star Trek

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Star Trek - what the fuck is it about?

The film begins when the villain, Nero McBlandson, goes through a worm-hole that leads him directly into a franchise reboot. From here he kills Kirk's Dad and alters the timeline just enough that the original fans shouldn't get pissy about the un-canon-ing of their favourite show, but not quite enough to change anything significant. As such, we see Kirk become Captain of the Enterprise with Spock being his right hand man. I guess if your job is to issue orders then it probably helps for your second in command to have a good pair of ears.

So was it shit or not then?

Well surely we all have to admit that this movie is just completely fucking brilliant, don't we? Apparently the fans of the original films and shows hate this movie, but I honestly can't work out why. I mean, it's a prequel, sequel, and re-boot, all at the same time, which is at such a level of genius that I reckon it'd have Steven Hawking's computer shouting “clap, clap, clap”. Over the years I've seen this movie quite a bit, however this was my first viewing having seen every previous film in the franchise. As such, I became kind of worried that this time the performance by Pine and Quinto might pale in comparison to their much more iconic predecessors. Thankfully though this turned out not to be the case as, although Shatner does have his justifiably legendary status, Pine's secret weapon is simply that he can actually fucking act. Nor is it a problem for Quinto either due to Nemoy showing up in the film to point at him and shout “this is me from now on”. Oh and it also helps that the cast are also borderline clones of the original crew. I mean, having looked at the two actors, I refuse to believe that Karl Urban isn't simply what happens when the original Bones dips his balls in a Petri Dish full of stem cells.

One of the things that has changed for me since having watched the original films however is how much more emotional this has become. The opening ten minutes alone has always had me in tears but this time I found myself fighting them back with such regularity that I had to check that I wasn't going through the fucking menopause. Not to slag off the previous movies, but with them I think that I only cried once, and that was tears of joy after The Motion Picture finally ended and I discovered I hadn't actually lost a year of my fucking life to it. In fact, just compare the introduction of the Enterprise in that film to its introduction in this one and you'll see the difference. Here we get one of the most amazing scores of modern times aiding a shot that's like being stabbed in the brain with nostalgia.. in The Motion Picture we got a five minute sequence in which William Shatner gave his best 'fuck-me eyes' to an air fix model.

Not that I'm saying that this newer movie is perfect of course. Eric Bana's Nero is so uncharismatic that I'm presuming the black hole that he travelled through came into existence when he looked into a mirror and accidentally created a vortex of boredom. He's got a weird run too and it's really distracting. It's kind of a waddle you know, like if a fat person had been entered into a 'race for a pie competition'. Or to make that sound more Star Trek-related, it's as if William Shatner had been entered into a 'race for a pie competition'. Oh, and even ignoring Nero, there's a couple of distracting plot-holes scattered throughout. Most notably when Kirk is blasted onto a random part of a random planet and randomly runs into a random cave in which he randomly meets the older Spock. I don't know though, maybe that's how life works. Like if you take three rights you end up going left perhaps when so many things randomly happen like that things lead directly to where you need them to. Which in this movies case, was bullshit.

However that's one gripe in an otherwise brilliant movie. Sure the fans can moan that there was too much action and it lost the intellectual subtlety of what the franchise should be about, but what it lacks in subtext it gains in being the most consistently brilliant film of the franchise since Wrath Of Khan. I'm sorry the movie couldn't please everybody in favour of a the larger audience of general film fans, but to quote Spock “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”, and this movie is fucking brilliant. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country

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Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country - what the fuck is it about?

The Klingons are about to become our friends after years of constantly getting their head-fannies in a twist. In response, the Federation holds a top-secret meeting to discuss the future. Oh, but Scotty's there, by the way. Because if you're holding a top secret meeting about the future of galactic politics, you'll definitely need a ship's engineer there. When the Berlin Wall came down I'm pretty sure that there'd have been room for a car mechanic around that Dr Strangelove-style table at The Pentagon. The Federation decides that Kirk is to meet a Klingon leader and escort him back to Earth to join in negotiations. This is despite Kirk still being a little space-racist towards the Klingons for murdering his boring son a few movies back. We know this because Kirk says it out loud whilst alone in his bedroom. I guess he has nothing better to do than talk to himself whilst walking around a spaceship as it travels around the galaxy.

Anyway, despite Kirk being on his best behaviour, things do go titties up when most of the Klingons are murdered and he finds himself framed for it. A murder mystery type plot then begins in which Spock tries to decide which of the Enterprise crew may be the actual culprits in order to clear Kirk's name. Could it be their friend Uhura? The trusted Chekov? What about Scotty? Surely at his weight, the only thing that he could murder would be a bacon fucking butty. Okay.. so what about the new recruit played by Kim Cattrall? You know... the one who it most definitely is? Hmm, I guess you'll have to watch and see!

So was it shit or not then?

Beyond anything, this entry probably has the best cast of any of these movies so far. I mean, Christopher Plummer plays a patch-wearing Vulcan as the villain, and who doesn't love watching Christopher Plummer? Plus, if you need your movies villain to be a dick then you can certainly do worse than a one eye'd alien with a pink head. As mentioned, Sex And The City's Kim Cattrall also pops up making this her first appearance in the spin-off movie to a long-running TV show that refuses to acknowledge the ageing of its cast. Although that's probably being a little unfair. Not on her, but on this film which for the first time has Spock say to Kirk “Have we grown so old that we've out-grown our usefulness?” in a moment of poignant brilliance. It's just a shame that it's taken six films and God knows how many tight leather belts to get to it.

As is always the case with the Star Trek films, there's an obvious but admirable subtext here in the way that its story paralleled the recent end to The Cold War. Although fuck that, the movie also features a scene in which Kirk fights an alien that takes on his appearance. I'd argue that that was the most unbelievable part of the franchise- that any creature would willingly look like a portly old Kirk, but who can be cynical with two Shatners on screen? That also means that the veteran Trek actor is now in the same club as such esteemed actors as Dead Ringers' Jeremy Irons, Legend's Tom Hardy, and Double Impact's Jean-Claude Van Damme. In fact, Kirk V Kirk aside, this entire scene is pretty enjoyable as it also features the widest range of visually interesting aliens seen in the series so far. The only thing that worried me is that it's set in a prison called Rura Penthe. When Kirk was sentenced to “hard time” there, I misheard Rura Penthe as "Uhura's panties" and at their age, I really didn't want to see that.

Is this film worth watching? Well, yes. I'm watching them in order of their release and so far it's the best since Wrath Of Khan. Plus Plummer's villain is constantly quoting plays such as Julius Caesar and Hamlet. So regardless, I'd say this movie is worth seeing simply for being a Star Trek film that's co-written by William fucking Shakespeare.

Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier

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Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier - What the fuck is it about?

The main story kicks off in a place called Paradise City in which some Jesus like figure has started causing some shit. I mean I say Paradise City.. I'd always been led to believe that the grass there is green and the girls are pretty. However it seems that in reality it's actually a desert and so the grass is dead and the girls aren't so much pretty as they are three-titted cat people. Still, the crew of the enterprise turn up here to try to solve the trouble regarding the Jesus character. His name is Sybok and it's claimed that he can “put you in touch with feelings you never previously knew you could express”. So, basically he's the alien equivalent of a love-egg.

So the crew arrive and Sybok takes over their ship and forces them all to go on a trip with him to see God. Long story short.. Kirk's not into that shit and so when presented with the face of The Almighty, he decides that the best thing to do is to start a big old slanging match. At one point Sybok offers to help remove Kirk of anything that might bother him, to which he screams “I need my pain!!”. Not sure what he's referring to here but I'm guessing it's probably his cholesterol levels.

So was it shit or not then?

Erm.. well, the movie started pretty terribly in which we see Shatner's Kirk climbing up a huge cliff-face for fun and without any safety ropes. I mean, considering his size and age, this is something that could only realistically happen the day pigs fly.. admittedly, for a split second I thought that was what I was actually seeing. When asked why he felt the urge to do this, climb Kirk replied “The most important reason as to why we should climb a mountain is because it's there”. Presumably he has a similar policy when it comes to eating some lovely, lovely cake. Although honestly I think the worst bit about this scene is its attempts at humour which then continue throughout the entire movie and is honestly about as painful as a Vulcan death-pinch to the dick.

Actually, speaking of pain, one of the things I did like was the make-up of the Klingons, and that's even if they are basically just browned-up people with a stitched-up vagina glued above their face. After having the last two films directed by Nemoy, this is the first to be attempted by Shatner. And to be fair, although it is sort-of rubbish, I do admire the way it decides to tackle religion. Even when presented with the face of God, the crew remain logical and talk shit to it rather than simply dropping to their knees and grovelling. Although that could be because if this ageing cast dropped to their knees then I'm not quite sure they'd be able to get back up again.

In terms of direction, I actually don't think that Shatner did a bad job. Nor do I think he did a bad job in terms of finding a theme for the movie. The problem is with the script, which could have done with a few more drafts. I hear that the budget was cut for this movie which may be the cause of the situation, but I suppose that catering just isn't going to pay for itself. There's a contrived twist involving Spock's family that I didn't need, and despite its mostly crap humour, there's a scene in which Bones euthanises his own father which got a bit fucking dark. However simply due to its promotion of rational thinking in the face of religion, I think that this entry is definitely worth a watch.

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home - What the fuck is it about?

In the future, mankind has hunted all whales to extinction which is awkward because an angry alien thing has just turned up assuming whales to be Earth's dominant species. So after they investigated some blue space-mist in the first film, dealt with the wrath of Khan in the second, and resurrected Spock from a dying planet in the third, there was really only one obvious story that this fourth movie could tell. Kirk and his crew must travel back in time to the 1980's, steal a couple of whales from SeaWorld, take them back to the future and then have them tell the angry aliens to 'piss off'. Talk about cliched! It's also worth noting that the movie begins with the crew in exile after the shit they pulled previously. Shouldn't be a problem for them though really, considering that's where most of the cast spend their time when not making these movies.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, it could be said that this is the moment that the franchise jumped the shark. Or considering at one point that Spock dives into the Seaworld tank to ride one, perhaps a more apt phrase would be 'it fucked the whale'. Though you know when an idea is so stupid that it actually becomes kind of brilliant? Well, this is one of them. The best sci-fi is actually a comment on modern day society anyway so why not just save time by having your sci-fi characters actually come to modern day and simply comment on it? Particularly when it's as legitimately fucking funny as this. I also liked that it had a proper full-on eco-message. I mean, most comedy movies aren't even funny, let alone actually funny and with some degree of subtext. Admittedly the subtext is about as obvious as how fucking old the actors are becoming, but at least there's no denying it's there.

Actually if I'm being honest, my biggest criticism isn't anything to do with the ridiculous story at all but probably is in the state of the cast. At this point they're all clearly getting on a bit, but rather than letting them appear as their actual age, the movie attempts to convince us that they're all still young. I mean, Sulu has so much make-up on his face that for the first half of the film I just assumed he was some random fucking geisha. Even Shatner is starting to resemble a cross between a clown and a prostitute. That belt of his is looking tighter, too. Does the plot revolve around them looking for whales just because they wanted a species to make him look thinner? Usually it's the character wearing a red shirt that's going to die but a fucking bright-red face can't exactly be a good sign. Also at four films in, Uhura still hasn't done that much. I appreciate that the crew is made up of all various nationalities and so obviously has a liberal left leaning view for the time, but everybody has their moment to shine in these films with the exception of the only woman. I doesn't help the point either that her name basically sounds like "A whore? Urgh”.

Anyway.. Is this film worth seeing? Absolutely. Even if you haven't seen the previous three then it works as a decent enough comedy as it is. Sure, the cast look a little bit like they've been drawn onto a stretched out ballsack, but they're still all really funny.

Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock

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Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock - What the fuck is it about?

I mean the story for this film is pretty obvious I suppose, considering the title is 'The Search For Spock'. Although I still think that a better title would have been Star Trek 3: Finding Nemoy. The previous film ends with Kirk shooting Spock's dead body out of the Enterprise, jettisoned towards the planet Genesis. It was the perfect blend of sci-fi, funeral, and fly-tipping. Coincidently, the planet in question has an atmosphere that apparently allows things to come back from the dead, which is lucky. Somebody should book a flight to it for Lindsay Lohan's career. Before Spock died, he conveniently popped his memories into Bones' head, which was also pretty lucky. It was basically like saving onto a USB a few seconds before your computer crashes. Kirk discovers this when he finds McCoy acting as though he's been possessed whilst sitting in Spocks bedroom. To be fair, I suspect that the odder of Star Trek's fans have done much stranger things in their rooms with their Bones.

The mission therefore is to travel to Planet Plot Contrivance where Spock's body has been resurrected and plonk his memories back into his head. Did I mention that Spock is a child now? No? Well, he is. The planet brought him back as a kid because it somehow knew that Nemoy was directing and wanted to save him the job of acting too. Honestly, this planet is so useful. If only it had written the script to the first fucking movie too!

So was it shit or not then?

With this, it was as though they'd turned my dead Granddad into a movie. I didn't love it, but you know.. I didn't hate it. The biggest problem that the film really has is that it seems to exist exclusively as a way of un-doing all the drama of the previous movie. Kind of in the way that the X-Men franchise now seems to exist with the sole purpose of undoing the events of X-Men 3. The main difference obviously being that, unlike X3, Wrath of Khan wasn't a steaming puddle of piss. Actually, speaking of X3, do you remember when McKellen gave the shittest ever delivery of the phrase 'what have I done'?! Well, it turned out that Shatner actually had him beat all along. Kirk witnesses the Enterprise explode and attempts that line with the same level of bored emotion that I have when holding a conversation with my family. Having said that, it's kind of a shame that Shatner has now descended into tedious self-parody because he's actually pretty good in these. Well, there is another moment in which he reacts to the death of his son in the style of Jim Carrey shitting his pants, but I guess nobodies perfect.

I did like this film too, to a degree. I was really excited to finally see the Klingons and even more excited when I found out that the main one was an angry Christopher Lloyd looking like he'd smeared himself in shit and then rolled about on a barbershop floor. It was fun watching the young Spock grow up over the course of ninety minutes too which is something that the average Star Trek fan hasn't managed in up to fifty fucking years. The theme of movie is regarding how far friends will go for each other and here we learn that if one friend assumes another friend is dead and then finds out that he was wrong... he'll go and pick him up. I'd like to think that I have friends that would do that for me. So poignant.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

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Star Trek: The Motion Picture - What the fuck is it about?

The film begins with both the Vulcans and the Klingons speaking in their own language and so I didn't really know what the fuck was going on to be honest. I was about fifteen minutes in before I realised that the DVD I was watching had expected me to manually select the third option of English subtitles on offer in order for me to have the alien gibberish translated. I mean why the fuck wouldn't it just have that on automatically? Does it really expect the average fan to be fluent in both fucking languages? ...Actually I've seen some of the fans of this series.. fair enough..

The movie involves the crew from the TV show all getting back together for a mission in which they are required to investigate a suspicious blue cloud. Wow. The movie assumes that you'll already know who these characters are and are happy to spend a good thirty minutes watching them do sweet fuck all. I mean, literally nothing happens for so God damn long. There's a scene in which Kirk lays eyes on the Enterprise for the first time that lasts longer than some amateur pornos do. That reference is actually particularly apt because throughout this scene, Kirk is giving the ship a look that suggests that the moment everybody's back is turned, he's almost definitely going to try and fuck it. Kirk looks at that ship in the same way that a sailor looks at a woman after returning home from months at sea, then heading straight to the nearest titty bar.

So was it shit or not then?

Yes. Yes it was. This was literally one of the most boring movies that I've ever seen and speaking of amateur pornos I say that as somebody who has seen that shit Paris Hilton video. You know the one in which she kind of just bounces up and down with glazed over eyes as though testing the worlds shittest spacehopper.  If Inglorious Bastards is to be believed, film is insanely flammable and there was a lot of names on the credits to this movie.. you'd have thought at least one person would have realised how long it was running on for and so thrown a fucking cigarette into whatever room in which the dailies are kept. Even if the resulting fire burnt for seven long days, you'd still be left with enough footage to make a ninety minute film. The special effects have dated pretty badly too. I'm guessing the budget was pretty small for this movie because the whole thing consisted mostly of people talking absolute bollocks on the bridge whilst occasionally cutting outside for a shot of the ships. Except, the ships are obviously models and the shots last so long that it just feels like you're trapped in some fat nerd's bedroom as he shows you his fucking toy collection.

Oddly this movie was directed by Robert Wise who you may know from his 1965 masterpiece in which he had Julie Andrews dressed as a Nun. Although Star Trek: The Slow-motion Picture, as it's been dubbed, is less The Sound Of Music as it is the sound of fucking silence. If you don't own this movie but want to replicate the experience of watching it then simply imagine the plot to Solaris, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and John Carpenter's Dark Star, though as if it was dumbed down by some boring old bastard. I guess I liked the effects of the alien ship within the blue cloud, but that's only because it had a feature that looked like a pulsing anus and I was really searching to find things that were entertaining. Oh, and for the record.. some of the extras were wearing jumpsuits that were way too tight for them. I could literally see their dicks.