Boning Up: Planet Of The Apes

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(Spoilers Everywhere!)

What's the story?

Charlton Heston plays an astronaut that crash lands on a mysterious planet that's ruled by what seems like a population of talking monkeys. At no point does anybody try to rule out the possibility of it simply being a modern day Manchester. The apes give Heston a load of shit. Heston gets away from the apes. Just as he's about to ride into the sunset he accidental stumbles across the Statue of Liberty and realises that he's on Earth and humans have fucked the planet up with bombs. He's probably also pretty gutted that he can't even actually visit the Statue of Liberty which is a shame considering he's accidentally gone all the way to visiting it.

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets

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Just to get you up to speed

Believe me or don't but the first Harry Potter film was riddled with subtext regarding the time in a young boy's life when he learns his favourite new hobby of whacking off. If you don't trust me then you can click here to read my previous blog which should explain.

Well, it seems that the second film in the saga continues that train of thought and wonders.. 'hmm, so what might a young boy become obsessed with once he's learnt how to knock one out?” The answer of course being the lifelong search for vagina. Or as this film calls it... The Chamber of Secrets!!

Alone In The Dark?

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Whilst watching Lights Out I was reminded of a little phase I once went through when I was younger. When I was a child there was a period in which every night I would see the Grim Reaper stood at the bottom of my bed just watching me. My Mum would turn the light on and reveal that it was actually just the shadow of some cuddly-toys combined with with a hung up dressing gown, but fuck her.. I know what I saw. From that point on I insisted on going to sleep with the light on due to my own little quirk of finding it easier to nod off when I couldn't see fucking demons. I was probably about eight when I began seeing him and so it's been a long time since I had Death stood over me as I lay in my bed. Shame really, because life seems to get shitter with age and so I don't think I'd really be too fucked about a visit from that cloaked prick at this point.