Slumdogs And Millionaires

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Things didn't bode well for this new film version of Downton Abbey when I found myself sat next to a little old lady that had wandered to the cinema to watch the thing alone. “Don't mind me”, she said before cracking open a massive fucking bottle, “but I can hardly watch Downton without a Prosecco”. I've never seen a single fucking second of the show but it seems that even its fans need to get themselves fucking ratted to sit through it. I didn't even think it looked that good to begin with, so I figured that I'd need something stronger than a Prosecco to get me through it. I've never done cocaine in my life and I have no clue if it makes films more watchable but as the granny to my left proceeded to get herself twatted it seemed like now might be a good time to find out. Alas, the trailers had already finished at this point and I live such a sheltered life that unless Al Pacino had walked in with his Scarface costume then I wouldn't know what the fuck a drug dealer looked like. As the film went on and I found myself bored to fucking tedium I concluded that I was now faced with two options. I could remain sober and risk the film being so dull that my mental health might never quite recover or I could make a fucking move on the old lady and attempt to get pissed off the alcoholic fumes of her Prosecco-laced breath. 

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When Ken Loach won his second Palme D'or for I, Daniel Blake, it was presented to him by Mad Max director George Miller and Mel 'Sugar Tits' Gibson. This is ironic because as Loach's new film began, I presumed that I was watching one of those post-apocalyptic, world's-gone-to-shit movies. Then I realised that rather than being set in the ruins of the old world, I, Daniel Blake was actually taking place in modern day Newcastle. Meh, it's an easy mistake to make. In this film, the Mordor-alike Newcastle has its own Eye Of Sauron ensuring that the orc-ish Geordies are kept under control. However rather than being a giant flaming tower, it's the Conservative Government and its Orwellian benefit system that aims to bewilder the sick and the vulnerable into a conveniently cheap death. Times are tough and money is tight, and this movie aims to remind us of how Cameron once said “We're all in it together”. Although what we're 'in' might differ depending on where you fall within society. Where some people are finding themselves heading towards being in a poverty-related early grave, others are simply enjoying another bottle of champers whilst being shaft-deep in a dead pig's mouth.