It Doesn't Hold A Candelabra

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Beauty And The Beast is the latest of Disney's live-action cash-ins and begins as we all remember the animated original does. An old hag crashes a party and wonders why she's instantly told that she has to leave. Because when I have party I just love it when uninvited tramps decide to turn up for the free punch. I mean, I'm not exactly happy when the people I've invited turn up. However the hag turns out to be a witch and therefore places a curse on the owner of the house for having “no love in his heart”... she also curses everybody that he seems to know because presumably the hypocritical bitch has no love in her heart either. It's that kind of twatty act of magical revenge that probably prevented her from having any friends and parties of her own to go to. Not that I have any sympathy for either the Prince in charge of the party or the Beast the he ultimately becomes. He turned away a person in need, he's rich, he's a prick, and he has “no love in his heart”. If Donald Trump was turned into a monster, I wouldn't spend the movie hoping he'd find love in order to free himself of his curse. I'd spend it feeling smug that he now has to spend his life putting his shit into a litter tray instead of onto twitter.



Meanwhile, Belle is living in a nearby village and looks like Emma Watson, who is now of an age in which it's okay to fancy her. Like Hermione, Belle too likes to read books and for some reason is managing to fend off the advances of the resident alpha-male Gaston. To cut a long story short, her father goes for a ride in the near by forest and gets lost because he's a dipshit. He ends up in the beast's castle who imprisons him for trespassing because this film is set in France and they're not exactly known for their politeness and courtesy. Thankfully, the horse he's riding is able to return home to Belle who then makes the poor bugger take her straight back to the castle where her father is being kept. Considering how much 'human' this horse seems to understand and how good its memory is, I can't help but suspect he may have taken Belle's father to the castle to get locked up on purpose. But what reason would the horse have to do that? And how has Belle's father been spending his lonely nights since the death of his wife. I suppose we'll never know. Also the Beast gives Belle the choice of freeing her father in favour of taking his place. Without even a second's hesitation, she pulls her father out of his prison and locks herself in it. I guess being a dipshit must run in the family.

The problem from here with the film is the same as this story has ever had, in that it essentially romanticises the effects of Stockholm Syndrome. Although in its defence, it's probably not as rapey-feeling as Passengers was which also unwittingly did the same thing recently too. Emma Watson has also refuted this reading of the story on the grounds that Belle retains her “independence of mind”, which may be true. But from another point of view, she did just fall in love with the aggressive twat that locked her up in his castle. So you know.. I guess it's up to you whether you want to believe the actress selling her film or your own fucking eyes. Sure, Beast didn't post her ear back to her father with a note written in letters that had been cut out from a newspaper, but it's not exactly a healthy romance is it? Watson went on to argue that their dynamic is actually a positive one because it dispels the myth of love at first sight in favour of one in which two people grow on each other over time; “Beast and Belle begin their love story really irritating each other and really not liking each other very much … slowly, slowly, very slowly [it] builds to them falling in love” she said. I suppose she has a point with that too I guess. Perhaps all romantic love in real life is a form of Stockholm Syndrome in which two people think they're growing fond of each other after both being locked in a prison of comfort and familiarity... ...Is it obvious that I'm single, I wonder..

If we're to ignore that aspect of the film then what is the real message of Disney's Beauty And The Beast? I guess it's that beauty is only skin deep and that we should love the mind rather than just the looks? But surely there has to be a limit on that?! I mean.. the prince was turned into something non-human, like a cross between Chewbacca and that big red bastard that Tim Curry plays in Legend. My dog is also an animal and pretty smart. She can open and close doors all by herself and she can take herself out for a shit without me even having to get up. However if I were to announce that I loved her mind and started frying up a slice of bacon to wrap around my knob as a treat for us both, I wouldn't expect people to admire me for being so un-shallow. So perhaps the real message of the movie is that very light bestiality can be okay under certain circumstances? The witch punished the prince by turning him into an 'ugly' monster, but as far as 'ugly' monsters go, he's not that bad looking. If she really wanted to punish him she could have made him look like Piers Morgan whose face is like seeing a waxy Halloween pumpkin have a bad reaction to a bee-sting. Plus at the end of the day is it really that shocking to see Emma Watson fall in love with a giant horrible monster? Big deal! In Harry Potter I saw her fall in love with a fucking ginger.

Despite the story being about this problematic romance however, it seems that a lot of the media surrounding the film has focused the discussion on a gay character. I was therefore incredibly excited to see how far Disney had gone with this considering the level of controversy it had drawn from it. Would we see the character sniffing poppers? Groping his boyfriends arse as they sing a song about bumming? Nope. Literally none of that happens. The character makes some fairly forward remarks to the character of Gaston and that's literally it. What a fucking disappointment. I was with a friend the other day and as he was getting changed I spotted his bollocks hanging out. For the sake of the story, we'll call him Kris.. because that's his name.. “For fuck's sake, Kris”, I exclaimed, “I've just seen your bollocks!” “That wasn't my bollocks”, he retorted before revealing even more miscellaneous genital-skin, “that's my cock”. That's an actual conversation between one straight person and Kris, and so I have literally no clue why the world is shitting their knickers over the gay thing in this move.

Although now that I've mentioned Gaston, I feel I should throw a bit of defence his way considering he's essentially the villain of the movie. In all honesty, as much as I enjoyed this live action adaptation of Beauty And The Beast, it did literally nothing new to justify its own existence and just left me wanting to re-watch their original animated version... Or even the superior 1946 Jean Cocteau film La Belle Et La Bete because I'm actually a classy motherfucker. However if the film has one saving grace, it's Luke Evans's Gaston who I think is the actual unsung hero of the movie. Firstly he's cool as fuck. Secondly, Belle is being held captive by a monster to the point that Stockholm syndrome may/definitely has kicked in. Rescuing her seems a pretty logical decision to take and that's exactly what he tries to do. Yes he is a bit pushy with her in terms of asking her out but that's all he is.. a bit pushy. What's worse? Being a bit too forward with a girl, or locking her in a castle until she likes you?! And yes, Gaston does at one point tie Belle's father Kevin Kline to a tree and leave him to be eaten by wolves. But have you seen Wild Wild West? Who amongst us hasn't wanted to tie Kevin Kline to a tree having watched that! If this film exists for one reason it's to set us up for a spin-off/sequel called Gaston's Revenge in which he teams up with his Fast And The Furious brother Jason Statham. And anybody who doesn't think that's a great idea can meet me for a fight whenever they like! Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.