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So
Harry begins his third year of magic school and finds out that a
serial killer has broken out of prison and wants him dead. Not
exactly a relatable issue for most of us and so the film cleverly
throws in a grim little subtext for all the teenagers in the
audience. Like most kids of Harry's age, the boy wizard is finding
himself a little hounded by the black dog. However in his case it's
not simply a metaphorical term for the depression he feels as it
dawns on him that the world is a shithole. Rather, his black dog is
quite literally a big black dog that seems to want him dead. Oh, and
in an attempt to protect Harry from this escaped killer, Dumbledore
has opened the school to a bunch of grim-reaper like pricks known as
Dementors. The Dementors however also seem pretty happy to kill
Harry too if he happens to get in their way. So.. basically, Harry has to
go through another year of school in which most of the things at that school want him dead. But oh fuck... he better get a parental signature on
his Hogsmeade form or he won't be allowed to visit the quaint little
village to have fun with his friends.
This
is also the film in which we're introduced to Professor Lupin as the
new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. He attempts to educate the
students in the ways of the boggart without really realising how this
could go wrong. A boggart will take the form of your biggest fear and
the only way to destroy it is to turn it into something funny. He
teaches that to kids. I mean, it could turn into anything with any one
of them. How stupid is he? Really?! If I was in his class then I think
my boggart would turn into the embodiment of my ever-present
existential anxiety and the only way to defeat it would be by turning
into an Octopus with a tit for a head and eight massive dicks for
tentacles. Good luck with that class, dickhead! Oh, and as was the case
with the last couple of movies, Harry gains another magical item to
help him through his year. In the first movie it was an invisibility
cloak, in the second it was polyjuice potion, and in this it's a map
that shows where everybody in the school is hiding. Essentially, Harry
has spent his first three years collecting the kind of magic that
would turn him into a pretty unstoppable rapist.
So
was it shit or not then? (Still Spoilers)
I think what sets this film apart from the Chris Columbus instalments
before it is that Alfonso Cuaron's directorial style isn't as
lifeless as a severely fucked chunk of rotten roadkill. This movie
has a more gritty and realistic feel to it which ironically makes the
magical elements feel all the more magical. In the case of this film,
we're presented with a world that I recognise and feel I can relate
to, and so strange things happening in it seem both believable and yet
exciting. In Columbus's first two, we had bullshit movie-things happening in
a bullshit movie world which is just bullshit. Which isn't to say
that Cuaron's film is more like a kitchen sink drama than a Hollywood
movie. When the magical stuff begins to happen, he plays it all off
with a tone and style that's has much more in common with a gothic
horror. I mean, just compare that to Columbus's two which really did
feel more like The Goonies had been given the Dementor's Kiss
and a particularly rough prostate exam at the same time, and to the
point that they were completely dead inside.
In fact, in the way that the movie feels different; some of the
locations have been modified; a few characters have been remodelled;
and in one case, recast. I think an argument could be made that this
third film is essentially what we'd now call a 'soft reboot'. This
one even deviates a little from the structural formula of its
predecessors by having a third act that's a little closer to
something like Kurosawa's Rashomon or for those who don't
suffer from pretentiousness, Back To The Future 2. When
Hermione reveals she's been given a magical device that will allow
her to time travel, the film really comes into its own. Even if this
does ultimately lead to some slightly tricky questions... the obvious
one being, how come Dumbledore would let Hermione turn back time in
order to get to a couple of extra classes but nobody thought to use
it to save Harry's dead parents. Or kill Voldemort before he could
turn evil, even? You could spend years fighting an evil powerful
wizard.. or you could just pop back to when he was a tiny little
baby, pop it in a sack, chuck him down a well, and bish, bash, bosh,
we're even home in time for supper.
If I have any other criticism of this film then I suppose there's
definitely a couple of cringy moments in terms of Radcliffe's
performance. At one point he finds out that Sirius Black was both his
parents' best friend and ultimately the reason they died. However it
seems that little Radcliffe wasn't yet able to cry on command and so
settled for the next best thing of just making the noises instead. I
mean, I saw him fly a broom at one point.. if they can make that
happen you'd think they'd manage to CG a couple of fucking tears on
him, wouldn't you. Oh, and when he shouts “he was their friend”,
I'd guess that he should sound upset and devastated whereas he kind
of does it with a tone similar to when you call someone a prick from
across a car park. Where he stumbles however, it's worth noting that Michael Gambon has joined the cast to help balance the quality of
acting out. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that not only is the
introduction to his character one of the highlights of the series
overall but it's possibly one of my favourite from Gambon's
illustrious cinematic career. As introductions to a Gambon character
go, it's probably second only to The Cook, The Thief, His Wife
And Her Lover in which we see this film's warm-hearted Dumbledore
take a piss on some guys naked body before smearing dog shit in his
face. Anyway, thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.
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