Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets

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Believe me or don't but the first Harry Potter film was riddled with subtext regarding the time in a young boy's life when he learns his favourite new hobby of whacking off. If you don't trust me then you can click here to read my previous blog which should explain.

Well, it seems that the second film in the saga continues that train of thought and wonders.. 'hmm, so what might a young boy become obsessed with once he's learnt how to knock one out?” The answer of course being the lifelong search for vagina. Or as this film calls it... The Chamber of Secrets!!

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

Assuming you don't ride my train of thought down to Crudesville then perhaps you think the Chamber Of Secrets being representative of a vagina is a bit of an- err.. stretch. However, like a teenaged boy going after his first view of lady-bits, Harry finds the Chamber to be terrifying and yet something that he can't seem to stop obsessing over or hunting for. Even though nothing in the plot suggests that it has to be him that goes looking for it, by the way. He's even helped to the location by a fucking book, for God's sake. The only difference between his book helping him understand the Chamber Of Secrets and the book I read as a school boy that helped me understand what a vagina was is that his is a magical diary, and mine was a second-hand jazz mag that I found in a bag in the woods. Perhaps you could argue with me that it's not just a book but the living memory of Tom Riddle that gives him advice? Fine then.. an older boy from the school told him about it. The analogy still stands.

Harry eventually locates this chamber of secrets and.. what's the first thing he realises? Getting into it is going to draw the attention of the character Moaning Myrtle which is a name that is literally the name of a fucking porn star. And what's the first thing he notices as he plunges himself head first into it? I'm sorry for how gross this is getting, but it, worryingly, is the smell of rotten fish. For the sake of taste, I won't explain that one any further. Oh, and did I mention what usually goes down this chamber by the way? Because of course it couldn't be anything other than a giant fucking snake.

In the first movie, the first act of magic.. or the first metaphor for Harry's newly gained power of wanking, was when he went to the zoo and interacted with a snake in a way that he hadn't previously known possible. Well, let's assume that a snake is representative of a dick because you know.. it clearly is.. then the zoo snake is representative of his dick because you know.. we're all way too deep into this metaphor now and so should just go with it. You'll notice that the snake that lives in the chamber is much larger by comparison to Harry's. He's still a kid don't forget, and sex is kind of an adult thing to do. So it makes sense that Harry would be intimidated to shit by the size of a snake that makes itself comfortable in the chamber. Do you remember what the one thing you shouldn't do with this giant snake is too? Of course- it's to look it directly in the eye. Probably good advice when considering either interpretation of this great beast...

If that wasn't enough, the reason Harry goes into the chamber is to rescue Ginny. It could have literally been any character in the entire franchise and yet it's Ginny. His future fucking wife. Harry goes into the chamber (vagina don't forget!) and ends up cradling the exhausted body of the girl he loves. I mean, could it be more obvious that this film is about a young boy's discovery of banging, or is it just me? Shit. At this point I really hope it's not just me. In case it is just me then the other reading of this film is that a wizard works his way through his second year of magic school whilst trying to solve the mystery of what creature seems to be attacking his fellow students. But you know.. It really is about a boys love of vagina. Just look at the scene in which the students are asked to turn their animals into an object to drink from. Ron fucks up and turns his rat into a half rat/half mug hybrid. Yet another reference to the adolescent boys mind consuming desire to experience the wonders of 'the furry cup'.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, I mean obviously the film is shit. Just look at the fucking weird theory I had to come up with to make the thing watchable for myself. I even gave you a watered down version of it too, to be honest. The full version was actually about Harry battling his confusion towards his sexuality to discover who he truly is. The first thing we see him do in the first film is to quite literally come out of the closet. In this film we learn that he can talk to snakes (which are dicks don't forget!) to the point that he has to accept the fact that he's a parcel-mouth. If you can think of a better euphemism for 'cock-sucker' than 'parcel-mouth' you'll have to let me know. Oh, and at one point, Harry loses all of the bones in his arm which results in it being all floppy and with him, to use a derogatory term, being quite 'limp-wristed'. Anyway.. like I say.. if you want to know the fuller theory then just stop me in the street and ask. Honestly, I have pictures of dicks and stills from this movie all over my wall with pins in and bits of string connecting them like an obsessive policeman trying to find a pattern between a series of gruesome murders. Well.. assuming that the victims were the cast of Harry Potter and that the murder weapon was a cock.

So far, the first two films have followed Harry over the course of a full school year, and somehow director Chris Columbus has managed to make it feel like you're watching it in fucking real time. It literally goes on and on and on. As Harry killed the fucking monster at the end of the movie, I breathed a sigh of relief aware that the credits would be rolling soon. Except.. they didn't. Even after he's killed the fucking thing, there's still twenty-five fucking minutes left. How?! Like with The Philosophers Stone, we're treated to characters over-explaining exactly what we've just seen happen and then a load of irrelevant bollocks regarding house points. I didn't care about my actual house team when I was in school, so why would I give a solitary shit about wether Ravencock beat fucking Huffleprick. Especially when the Headmaster that's dishing the points out is so undemocratic with the system that he may as well have grown a little toothbrush moustache and forced the students to do a little Nazi salute every time anybody dared to even fucking mention Gryffindor.

Essentially there was a formula to the first movie that proved financially successful, and so the only thing that anybody decided to break between films was Harry's fucking voice. Again the redeeming feature of the film is the cast, with the two additions being the always brilliant Kenneth Branagh and everybody's favourite Jason 'Hello to Jason Isaacs' Isaacs. And I suppose it's nice to see that the film sort of tries to start a conversation about racism. Despite being able to do magic, Hermione is born of non-magic parents and so is insultingly referred to as a 'mud blood'. Although this is slightly undermined by the fact that there only appears to be two black kids in the entire school. Oh, and there's one Irish kid who's only bothered to learn the spell that blows shit up. Alas.. at least they tried. I suppose there was a scene with some spiders that I didn't hate and I quite liked Dobby the House-Elf too. If you weren't a teenaged boy that was either obsessed with vagina or tormented by your sexuality then maybe you could relate to Dobby. A frustrated little bugger who could only satisfy his anger at feeling controlled by self-harming?! Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.